My heart breaks just a little


#1

…every time one of my friends announces that they are pregnant. My dh had a vasectomy against my wishes after our fourth. He is not Catholic and just didn’t share my beliefs about more babies. He wanted two, and gave me four, so I know I should be thankful and happy with the four healthy beautiful kids we have. Just when I think I’ve come to peace with it, another friend announces a pregnancy and although I’m elated for them, a little part of me is very very sad. :frowning:

Thanks for listening to me whine.


#2

I had a friend whose husband had his vas reversed. They now have a beautiful daughter.


#3

lada,

I’m very sorry to hear that. I know its hard when spouses disagree on the number of kids or other big things like that. I will pray for you and for you husband. One thing you may think about is having your husband listen to a talk by Janet Smith called Contraception Why Not. Its probably one of the best explanations on how contraception can hurt a marriage, a society and the individual person. It also explains the moral aspect well.

Here is a link to an ABC radio show where the topic was Long Term Complications after a Vasectomy. abc.net.au/rn/talks/8.30/helthrpt/stories/s178.htm

But back to you… I would tell your husband these things. Tell him how it hurts. He needs to know these things, after all, when you got married the two of you became one flesh. He is not only holding back his fertility, but in a sense he has changed yours. The fertility is something shared between you both. When one person holds something back, they are saying that I love you, I give all of myself to you, except my fertility.

Anyways, like I said, I will pray for you and you husband.


#4

Thousands of couples feel the pain of NEVER being able to have children and you dare to complain with four happy healthy children filling your home.


#5

AW LADA!!! I felt that way too after my third when doctor told me I couldn't have anymore! I was so happy for all my family members, friends, coworkers etc whom would be pg all the time!!! All the time!!! LOL And I was told I couldn't have anymore would break my heart all the time hearing their great news!!!

I have read vasectomies are reversable??? Tried talking to hubby about it?

Oh yes four babies are a blessing, but even though, your feelings for larger family is something for you and hubby to discuss!!! it's a 2 way street not just one you know?!

I am pregnant, with my fourth, from my fiance, after we both surrendered our wishes for children since there as "no hope!" But I thank GOD, HE's the one whom decides whom can and can't have children you know what I mean and not doctors! We are so grateful for our little miracle whom we thought was impossible! I am high risk so we hope on the 28th my 3rd month all is still ticking and going well! I have been under tremendous stress so I am scared...But we have hope! :D

I think you and hubby should really talk...and maybe come to an agreement..you know? Like ask him to reverse it, and if it's meant to be to have more children then Blessed be if not then let GOD's will be done... you know?! At least both of you will be given a chance, you know?! To either have more children or not...

I am 30 had my last baby almost 8 years ago, so imagine my disappointment and pain in finding out I was not going to have anymore...It was going to be a lonely life without anymore pitter patter, but fiance and I talked about it, a lot, and he said whatever GOD's will is, let it be... And he was right... He still is right...I just need to learn to accept that better you know?! And we got to enjoy my kids a lot more! :) We still have family time! LOTS OF IT! LOL I enjoy it very much and I know my kids do too...Gets

Anyhow, we're here for ya, if you need to talk some more...

GOD bless, keep your head up!


#6

[quote="Lutheranteach, post:4, topic:178237"]
Thousands of couples feel the pain of NEVER being able to have children and you dare to complain with four happy healthy children filling your home.

[/quote]

This is a little harsh.


#7

[quote="lada, post:1, topic:178237"]
...every time one of my friends announces that they are pregnant. My dh had a vasectomy against my wishes after our fourth. He is not Catholic and just didn't share my beliefs about more babies. He wanted two, and gave me four, so I know I should be thankful and happy with the four healthy beautiful kids we have. Just when I think I've come to peace with it, another friend announces a pregnancy and although I'm elated for them, a little part of me is very very sad. :(

Thanks for listening to me whine.

[/quote]

I'm sorry about that! I am glad that you and your husband were able to have four healthy beautiful children though :) And its okay to "whine".... i know i would feel the same way as you if our positions were reversed.


#8

[quote="Lutheranteach, post:4, topic:178237"]
Thousands of couples feel the pain of NEVER being able to have children and you dare to complain with four happy healthy children filling your home.

[/quote]

Who are you to judge this lady???

I bet God is smiling down on her b/c she desires to have more of His blessings.


#9

Thank you all! I have talked to him about a reversal. I don’t think he is entirely against it, but not entirely convinced either. I think he was unaware how the V would affect our sex life. :blush: TMI, I know, but I do feel it has made him less attractive to me in ‘that way’. Which is something neither of us saw coming.

And, FYI, I am beyond happy and thankful with my four little blessings. Yet, yes, I do have that longing in my heart for more. I don’t think that makes me a bad person. :confused:

I will continue to talk to him about it and pray, pray, pray that God’s will be done, and that He grant me peace in this area of my life.


#10

[quote="Lutheranteach, post:4, topic:178237"]
Thousands of couples feel the pain of NEVER being able to have children and you dare to complain with four happy healthy children filling your home.

[/quote]

We can't have children and it opens your heart to realize the blessing that they are. I can understand people being sad that they only had one...or four...or more. When fertility is taken away from you it is ALWAYS a sad thing. Whether that be through primary infertility, secondary infertility, hysterectomy, menopause, having to use NFP, or in this case sterilization. Believe me, I know first hand.:sad_yes: It's only when people PREVENT children from coming that makes me sad and at times mad. :(

Edit: Maybe you are yourself infertile and that is why this is so incredibly difficult for you? I don't want you to think I'm in anyway lessening the pain of infertility. I suffer that day in and day out. It's okay to be sad and even angry about it. It's a very difficult cross to endure. But I have had to learn to hold my tongue and realize others are suffering too, even though it is different than ours. It's a long and difficult road, and you will get there in time. I'm so sorry for your struggles. Please know that I totally understand firsthand what you are going through and if you need anything at all just let me know. :hug3:


#11

On the contrary! It makes you a good person…a loving mother who appreciates her blessings. Too bad there aren’t more mothers like you!


#12

[quote="lada, post:9, topic:178237"]
Thank you all! I have talked to him about a reversal. I don't think he is entirely against it, but not entirely convinced either. I think he was unaware how the V would affect our sex life. :blush: TMI, I know, but I do feel it has made him less attractive to me in 'that way'. Which is something neither of us saw coming.

And, FYI, I am beyond happy and thankful with my four little blessings. Yet, yes, I do have that longing in my heart for more. I don't think that makes me a bad person. :confused:

I will continue to talk to him about it and pray, pray, pray that God's will be done, and that He grant me peace in this area of my life.

[/quote]

WELL THEN SEE!!! THERE'S HOPE YET!!! :D If you need to both of you go to some counseling so your hubby can get the support he needs regarding reversal and even resparking that love back again you know?

I have read about many couples whom lose interest in sex and intimacy after such things...I know my exhusband and I did helped make the breakup easier for me, I didn't love him after a couple of years so the no sex thing helped! LOL :( Joking aside, exhusband was not a nice man at all, still isn't I promise! Well now back to the important thing here, so try counseling you never know it might get him to reverse even faster!!

GOD BLESS!!!


#13

The presence of blessings in our lives does not eliminate the crosses that we bear.

It makes perfect sense for you to be sad about this, whether you have 1, 4, or 8 children. Women with 10 children might still feel sad about the natural end of their childbearing d/t menopause. In your case, perhaps the sadness is also grieving the changes in your and dh's marriage b/c of the V. Not just because of the change in attraction, but also because you know that on a spiritual level, your union is changed. I agree that it would be good to include dh in on your feelings - not necessarily as a plea for a reversal, but so you can work on that union in other ways - emotional closeness, prayer together, allowing him to comfort you in your sadness, etc...


#14

This is very true. I really believe I would always want a little one around. If I had ten kids, I would still be sad when the youngest turned two or three and no more came after that. It’s hard watching them grow up, but it’s also hard to let go of that phase of your life. When it comes prematurely, I think it makes it all the more hard…


#15

Oh boy, am I going to get in trouble for this, but here is a question- (to emphisize, I do NOT mean to downplay your heart breaking, I'm a single guy with no kids, so my point of view is different-I do feel for you, so please don't anyone scream at me!)

If your husband wanted two, but agreed to four...isn't that a wonderful thing to do and a great compromise?

Like I said, I mean NO OFFENSE to you and I am sure you value your husband and love your children, it was just a question.


#16

I have a feeling her sadness might be coming more from the fact that he did this w/o her consent. :frowning: But did he actually “agree” to four or did they just come? That might be interesting to know b/c it might explain why he got the vasectomy w/o her consent. Like maybe a way of punishing her? I don’t know, just wondering out loud. Either way, I agree w/some of the op’s have said. From a mother’s perspective, even though we “think” we’re done, if something happened to me and I knew I couldn’t have any more kids, it would hurt. It’s like, even if you know you’re not going to have any more, you want the option to still be there. Does that make sense? :o


#17

[quote="Rascalking, post:15, topic:178237"]
Oh boy, am I going to get in trouble for this, but here is a question- (to emphisize, I do NOT mean to downplay your heart breaking, I'm a single guy with no kids, so my point of view is different-I do feel for you, so please don't anyone scream at me!)

If your husband wanted two, but agreed to four...isn't that a wonderful thing to do and a great compromise?

Like I said, I mean NO OFFENSE to you and I am sure you value your husband and love your children, it was just a question.

[/quote]

No screaming. YES, it is a wonderful thing. He grew up as an only child, I grew up in a large family. So...I knew going in that our "ideals" as far as family size were differing. He knew that my religious beliefs precluded me from doing anything to alter my fertility, and I knew that his...did not... :) When it came down to it, he drove himself to the appt., and drove himself home. He laid on the couch for the allotted period of time, but knew better than to ask me to get him the remote or a glass of water. ;) That's not true, but my point is that he knew that I did not support the decision, but he also knew I wasn't going to divorce him over it. It's not a decision we made together, necessarily, but it is what it is.

I love my children and I love my husband. I won't ever leave him because he went and got himself "broken", and I won't force him to get "re-fixed" or nag incessantly about it. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it does affect me and that I do mourn for the childbearing years being over, and I do have a little pity party for myself over it once in a while.


#18

Let’s pretend you were in her place… you wanted more babies but your spouse only wanted a couple but ended up having a few more… Then your spouse decides without really listening to your feelings about it to DENY any more children by sterilizing herself??? How would you feel every time your friends came up to you telling you their wives were pregnant again while all of your children were all ready growing up going to be teens and you were left with the wanting of more children???


#19

Ma’am,

He seems like a very lucky man to have you in his life!

God Bless!


#20

When I came into my new relationship my fiance had 0 kids, I have 3 from my previous marriage...His family accepted me and my children, even though they were not happy about it...they were hoping my fiance then bf would get tired of responsibilities of dealing with a woman and 3 kids! Well when he didn't get tired of me and left me, they got really bothered and I think that's when the mistreatment started...towards me...and to one of my kids...my ADD son...

I had tried to leave my fiance many times, every time he would be so heartbroken and so lonely, he imagined himself without hearing the kids every day, without seeing me every day and he would break down. I would tell him things like "it will give you a chance to start anew with someone without kids bring in your own children to the world!" I was told I couldn't have anymore so my 3 were supposed to be it even for my fiance coming into a relationship with an infertile woman! He said he couldn't see his life without me...We are engaged and yeah fell into each other and GOD actually is allowing us to have a BABY! A miracle of joy, GOD BLESSED US TREMENDOUSLY!!! And he is even more in love with my kids, and this new baby and he's even more patient with me!

Having kids around changes people, and the thought of us never having children and now expecting his first child, has driven him with tremendous happiness! He tells me "we're done after this one!" lol I looked at him and said are you sure about that? He said "yes we can't afford another baby!" I looked at him and said "when could we ever afford a baby?" lol He said "you're right!, well then we try again in five years! What's a home without kids?" LOL MEN!! I hope once this baby is born it will change his heart and mind and be more open to life than ever...He came from a family that used bcps, all the time and she didn't want to have children. His mother would deny his father sex so that she wouldn't get pregnant, esp when they didn't have money to buy more bcps, they had 2 children and the last one by force, he told her she was giving him another child...His father came from a huge family and even though he didn't want a huge family, because of their financial struggles, he wanted at least 2 children... He has 3, one from past marriage two with current wife, mother of fiance...

Fiance grew up that way, "one-3 kids is enough!" But when I came with 3 and unable to have more, his heart sank, and it took us both a while to get over and give up hope on children..Just when we were completely hopeless we fall into temptation and get pregnant!!! So far the happiest moment of his life!! knowing he is having a child...

So maybe he will not be happy with 4 kids, and definitely want to stop, and never think about anymore children? Hopefully he won't do something like sterilize himself, or ask me to do it, I will pray that GOD helps my fiance to keep his "openness" for life going as long as possible...children aren't burdens no matter how bratty they are! Believe me I have an 11 year old going on 30... Yet I couldn't live my life without my kids...And my fiance feels the same way...So hopefully he will continue being open to life no matter how hard life gets and no matter how poorer we get! God willing we will always be ok! :D


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