So, my husband found out last night without any notice that he has to leave town for a month today. I wasn’t surprised or anything as being military this happens quite often. However, I could care less. All my girlfriends keep asking me how I always keep so calm about it, because they are usually freaking out all dramatic and complaining about military life. I tell them I dont think its fair to make your spouse feel bad about something that is out of his control when he is serving his country and providing for his family. I tell them I believe its important to be supportive and to leave my husband without any worries that his wife is upset or unhappy. All these things are true, I do believe this, but the truth is, I could care less. I dont feel anything at all. It makes no difference to me if he stays or if he goes. The only time I get sentimental is when I imagine he somehow dies and never comes back and that’s the only time I can evoke emotion over the situation. What does this mean? Is this the contents of my true heart? Does this truly mean I dont love my husband anymore? I hate that I feel this way…or rather dont feel. I dont think its true that I dont care at all otherwise I would not be in despair over saving my marriage and seeking a happy one. Its time like these that make me more confused about what it is I am doing anyways. Can anyone relate?
As I was reading this an idea came to mind. Maybe you could spend this month with a devotion for the intention of figuring out what to do. Maybe you could pray the Rosary every day. If you already pray the Rosary, perhaps you could do all the mysteries every day. Or go and pray in front of the tabernacle every day (or the Blessed Sacrament if that is available where you live). I also find that fasting with prayer helps when I’m facing a difficulty.
I’ll pray the Divine Mercy for your intention tonight. God bless.
I believe that the deepest and most spiritual part of a person is not their feelings, the deepest part of you is your WILL.
I suppose you may have some control over your feelings but not always and they can be impacted by events, sleep, even the weather, they are not always a good way to measure things, even our love for people. However your WILL is the true way to know yourself. Despite your feelings lately towards your husband you have pushed through, you have tried to honor your marriage covenant as an act of your will. Your feelings at the present moment seem to be confusing you, but our God is not a confusing God. Sit with Him, pray, take time. When you have a chance try again and see about a Retrouavaille weekend where you are. Maybe this will be a good time for the both of you to have a break from one another and grow in your prayer lives?
Continue to pray for your husband too, Jesus loves him so very much. I will pray for the both of you as always. God bless you.
I will pray for you. I don’t think this means you don’t love him. Maybe you have just accepted that this is his job .
I can somewhat relate. My husband is a truck driver. Before he found a local job he was gone anywhere from 3-9 days at a time. Sometimes they would say he’d be back home on a certain day and something would come up that kept him away longer. Sometimes he would be home for a few days, he’d catch up on sleep the first day, we’d make plans for the remaining days, and then we’d get a call that they had a run for him no one else was available to take and he’d have to head back out.
Some truckers wives freak out, get very emotional, get angry, blame their husbands because they are left alone to take care of the house and kids, etc. The divorce rate is pretty high for truckers.
I used to get upset and miss my DH very much when he first started driving. I’ll cop to even telling him I felt like a single parent and that I was very lonely. But I got over it and got used to it. I don’t get upset anymore and haven’t for years. That’s just how it is when your husband is a truck driver.
A few weeks ago, even though he is now local, the company took an out of state load and he was the only one willing to drive it to the customer. I got his gear ready (blankets, clothes, snacks and tea for when he can’t stop, his shower stuff, etc), picked up the kids from school, met him at a truck stop nearish the house to give him his stuff, and kissed him goodbye. I felt nothing, too. Not because I don’t love him, but because this is his job and this is just how things are for us.
Bottom line is that I love my husband, but I’m also a grown person who is completely capable of functioning without him. I still have the kids, pets, house, cars, yard, and bills to take care of no matter where my husband happens to be, so that’s what I do. We’ve been married for over 10 years now. I know I love him, I know he loves me, I know we’re committed to each other and our family, and I know he’ll be home eventually. I don’t see any reason to lose my mind just because my DH is going to be gone for a bit.:shrug:
Peace is a gift of the Spirit. You should rejoice that you are at peace with this truth of your life that your husband frequently has to be away with little notice. You are living the marriage vows “for better or for worse / in good times and in bad.”
Your friends who are disturbed should be the ones asking why does their spouse having to leave frequently disturb them - why are they not a peace with this, this is the life they currently live.
Not being upset at the separation does not mean you love your husband more or less. It does not mean you will not miss him. It just means you have been given a wonderful gift of acceptance and peace about this issue.
However, I could care less.
I dont feel anything at all.
I hate that I feel this way…or rather dont feel.
Can anyone relate?
I recommend you speak to someone with the qualifications to guide you or recommend you to someone who can. May the good Lord love and keep you. I wish you happiness, love, the companionship of friends who care and most of all i wish you peace;)
I get a lot more upset about wives getting upset because their husbands are *doing their jobs *than I do about my husband leaving to do his! Where do those women get off?!?!? Do they think their husbands are happier on the road, away from their loved ones, stuck in a hotel room with nothing to do?!?!?!
I admit there’s a hump for me at the two-week point, but I figure I myself have to learn to deal with that, not be upset that my husband is doing what he’s supposed to do!!!
Being numb is no way to go through life. I think that you finally have had a break through and realize that you aren’t healthy. As others have suggested, it is time to get help from a Psychologist. Try your best to find a good one. Your family doctor might be a good place to start for a referral. Peace, g.
I need a psychologist? For what? To prescribe me medications to feel? Thanks but no thanks.
I really liked your perspective. I gathered strength from it thank you : )
Even if I am not happy in my marriage I have happiness doing Gods will. Does that make sense? I don’t know now to explain it really. I’m miserable in my marriage, but I keep on keeping on and find peace and joy in Gods will. I admit I am confused at times as to what that is when I let my emotions get the best of me, but I truly believe thus far, that this marriage is God will no matter how much I feel it was a mistake to begin with. I know that sounds crazy but I can’t explain it. I just know.
You said he’s only leaving for a month. Probably that is why. When my husband leaves for short term missions or school or training I don’t feel anything either. Long term or extremely high risk trips, that is different for me. But I’ve never broken down like some wives do. I’ve got too many other things to take care of.
I don’t think the suggestion to talk to someone is bad, though. Stress can make it harder to conceive and since that is something you have been working on it might not be bad. I don’t think you are feeling anything wrong though. Those of us that are used to having our husbands gone a lot get used to having them gone, or we never adjust to it. Either reaction is normal. I’ve been known to tell people it is often easier when my husband is gone because I’m so used to functioning that way. that in no way means I don’t live him and we are extremely happily married. It’s just how our lives work is all. When he is gone I realize I have no one to help. When he’s home I get upset when I’m counting on his help but he becomes unavailable to help. It’s not his fault, it’s his job, but it still gets frustrating.
I do the same thing, When he’s gone I feel like myself- like my old self. Strong and independent. I know that’s not his fault but it’s a side effect. This sounds terrible but I almost pretend I am single again except this time I don’t have to worry about who’s paying the bills. No, I’m not implying I act immoral but I just feel a sense of freedom that I enjoy and then feel guilty for being happy. I do miss him though I mean I know I will eventually miss him, but as soon as he gets back I’m getting upset because he comes back all bossy and my attitude is “hey I’ve done fine without you. Don’t come home and start demanding things and asking me questions” it’s not a right attitude,to have, I know this, it’s something that happens the first few days back.
I think the initial post, my husband left me today is a little misleading and I was expecting that this was a post about some husband that willingly walked out on their spouse, not someone that temporarily has to go do to job. The fact that you are claiming not to feel any emotions about if he stays or goes is a little curious here and maybe your defense mechanism to the situation that he is being deployed and his work is dangerous. There is nothing wrong with talking with either a counselor or maybe a priest over your lack of feelings and going to someone doesn’t mean at all that you will be put on drugs. I think you could use the help.
For everyone that keeps suggesting priests and counselors I appreciate the suggestions because obviously I’m asking for them, but for context, those have all been exhausted. I don’t see how continuing to see a priest and therapist is going to change my husband. In fact they all ended the sessions, because there was nothing beneficial anymore after a certain point. This is ongoing for 8 years I’ve had plenty of time to work through the mess and myself. I’m just riding it out for now praying for a miracle.
This is normal. You sound like the majority of military wives I’ve met, myself included. Homecomings are beautiful, but just like any other honeymoon, it doesn’t last forever.
As for the poster who thinks that tge title was misleading…no, it is exactly what is happening. If someone else didn’t understand then that is not your fault. You said you husband left today. He did.
Honey, that is an acceptable response. (Setting aside the marital issues you experience and simply looking at it from the point of being a military spouse).
All my girlfriends keep asking me how I always keep so calm about it, because they are usually freaking out all dramatic and complaining about military life.
These women have not accepted what their husband’s current career truly is. Their reaction is a very common attitude if you “believe” everyone has a right to do what they want, when they want. The saying “Freedom isn’t Free”, fits here. These ladies may want to learn how to accept the reality of the military.
I tell them I dont think its fair to make your spouse feel bad … important to be supportive
Very good. If you want, you can help these ladies to feel more at peace with the reality of military life.
I dont feel anything at all… What does this mean? Is this the contents of my true heart? Does this truly mean I dont love my husband anymore? I hate that I feel this way…or rather dont feel. I dont think its true that I dont care at all otherwise I would not be in despair over saving my marriage and seeking a happy one. Its time like these that make me more confused about what it is I am doing anyways. Can anyone relate?
It means that his orders for today do not affect you. It means you are well grounded in understanding orders are orders, subjected to change at any minute, and change again the next minute. Nothing is true in the military until after it has happen.
How does that relate to you wanting a peaceful, happy marriage - it says you understand you two have issues that need to be addressed - but military orders are not part of your issues.
I am very happy that you can accept his orders. Life in the military is different than the civilian world.
Thank you for being a military family.
I would venture to say you would find more “valuable” answers with a professional. Present company accepted of course!
This post of yours gave me goosebumps, the good kind. God bless you and grant you peace and joy, HoneyBea. I think what you said here is just right. Every marriage will have rough times. Yours (and mine) happened to occur very early, as in right away, in the marriage. But these times can be overcome. Your desire to keep turning to the Lord for His grace and to do His will is highly commendable. It can be very hard at times, but the payoff is so worth it. Three years ago, after 12 years married, something shifted in our marriage and within my husband. He became such a good man, not because of my nagging or complaining, but because of God working in him. I started having strange dreams about falling in love with a man called Christopher (not my husband’s name), who looked like my husband but was not him. It upset me because here was my husband changing so much and becoming the sort of man I could never have even dreamed of, and I was dreaming about falling in love with another man. Then, when reading about St. Christopher, I was reminded that the name literally means Christ-bearer. And suddenly it all clicked. I was falling in love with my own husband, a new man in Christ, and feeling guilty for betraying my husband, the old man without Christ! Once I realized what was happening, the dreams stopped. The only recur at times when he is going through a time of rapid progress in his spiritual life.
I will pray for your marriage to be similarly blessed.