My husband's female friend


#21

Really? A grown woman who has made it through life to whatever adult age that these people are doesn’t know that it is inappropriate to ask a married man (with kids?) to come ‘hang out’ at her house without the family? Sorry, I don’t buy that. She may not be interested in him in a romantic way (personally, I also don’t buy that) but she should at the very least understand that there are lines that are inappropriate to cross.

OP, he needs to tell her that friendship with him is now a package that includes you.


#22

Nope, yep, and to him only as it his responsibility to honor his marriage and his wife.


#23

Its God giving you an inkling


#24

It could be she has designs on him, but not a sure thing.

I have a number of close male friends. If my husband didn't want me to hang out with them, I would be really really upset, and angry. Since my husbands best friend is a woman though, I don't really see him doing that.

I just don't get the whole married people can only have same sex friends thing.


#25

That is why there are so many affairs right now because people are not STRICT with their boundaries. It always starts out innocently with friendship of the opposite sex.

Being in a Married relationship does not qualify yourself to be trusted by your spouse. You have to EARN THAT TRUST and HOW DO YOU EARN THAT TRUST ? Well, you should not put any DOUBTS IN YOUR WIFE/HUSBAND"S HEAD. Why should one put one’s marriage in this kind of situation. It is totally wrong. You should voice out your concern with your husband. It is not your fault that you are feeling this way. HE is causing this feelings of DOUBTS in your head. He may not be doing anything wrong or maybe it is really pure friendship but he should have boundaries so you won’t feel this way.

I once had a guy friend who told me that he could have a wife AND a lady friend whom he can confide in emotionally BOTH at the same time. Now that "Lady best FRIEND " for me is another term for “mistress”. If a guy chooses this situation He would be having an emotional affair and wouldnt be entirely faithful to the marriage.


#26

Um… before you decide to continue taking my head off…:mad:

Can we at least consider that ONCE THE HUSBAND SAID ‘I can’t come over’, the Friend would no longer be in the ‘Oblivious’ Category?

Some people just don’t notice.

So what if you wouldn’t be that person. There are people who go through life BLINDLY. :stuck_out_tongue:

Some one else asked if they were friends before, of if this friendship was new.

If this was like happens in many cases, and the two of them have been friends since the sandbox, it’s not impossible for her to be oblivious to their being a problem with inviting the guy over.

The guy DIDN’T GO! :eek:

Can we all just move past this?

And I’m not for one instant saying that this must be the way things are, only that there are other possibilities beyond what we may expect.:mad:


#27

TO all of you out there who assume the OP does not or can not trust her husband . You are so wrong its almost sickening . Some men do not play flirty games and would not know one if it were printed on their forhead . My husband had a "friend " insist on sitting in his lap . I kid you not SITTING IN HIS LAP and he claimed and truely believed there was nothing wrong with what she did . I on the other hand saw very clearly what she was doing .
To the OP trust your gut and dont back down . He may never see it ( the incident I mention was many many years ago and mine still does not see it ) but thats ok . Hold your ground and smile sweetly while praying with all your might for this woman . It will do all of you a world of good ! :thumbsup:


#28

:thumbsup::thumbsup:

:thumbsup::thumbsup: Very true

:thumbsup::thumbsup:

:thumbsup::thumbsup:


#29

I’m not sure anyone said that she couldn’t trust her husband. Most people in the thread said that it was a really bad idea and that he was hurting her trust. He may not realize it. Obviously the OP’s having some trust issues if she’s asking for advice on what to do with this situation.

And I repeat, no one has said that the OP’s husband can’t have female friends. We’ve said that he needs to have strict boundaries with them to avoid the slippery slope that can lead to adultery. I don’t see how that’s unreasonable. And with so many broken marriages today, is it really worth the risk?


#30

I’m sorry that you felt I was taking your head off. It wasn’t you, just the idea that an adult can be oblivious in this instance. I agree they may have been friends before he was married (we don’t know, you’re right) but even if they were, I still don’t buy that a person does not see those lines clearly. Granted, the flirting the OP notices could be in her head, or could be the woman’s personality, but it’s still not appropriate. If he has said no more than once, which is what it sounds like to me based on what the OP says, and she continues to ask him, how can that be just oblivious? :shrug: At the very least her “friend” radar should be going off saying ‘he keeps blowing me off to come hang out, maybe he doesn’t want to anymore?’

The friend may very well be a nice, kind woman who has no bad intentions, but there are just some lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Flirting with someone else’s husband and then inviting him over seem like pretty obvious lines.

And I know that there are people that go through life blindly. But, at the very least, if he has said ‘no’ more than once SOMETHING would be clicking for a person who has no bad intentions. If nothing else, the disdain for rejection. :wink:


#31

That’s why it should never be tolerated!


#32

:confused:

How is HE hurting her trust?

The OP (where are you, anyway?) said that her problems were with the friend. The friend who DID invite her husband over and her husband DID NOT GO.:thumbsup:

Using -ing suggests that something occurred and continues to occur. There is nothing in the post that suggest that to be the case.

Rather, what has happened was, there WAS a problem, the Wife mentioned it to the Husband, and it stopped.

It doesn’t matter if the invitation had been extended a dozen times, or a gazillion, at some point, the husband wised up to do what his wife asked him, whether he gets her reasoning or not, and he’s doing what the wife asked him.

Let it go!

Sheesh! :mad:


#33

[quote="Jea9, post:30, topic:213326"]
I still don't buy that a person does not see those lines clearly. Granted, the flirting the OP notices could be in her head, or could be the woman's personality, but it's still not appropriate. If he has said no more than once, which is what it sounds like to me based on what the OP says, and she continues to ask him, how can that be just oblivious?

[/quote]

That's not what I'm reading. I'm reading that the Friend asked the Husband more than once. The Husband has refused to go. End.:)

Nothing says that there was one or 10 invitations after the first, 'no, I'm not coming'.

And yes, I think she could still be oblivious if Husband said, 'no, I'm not coming. I've got to give the dog a bath' rather than, 'No, I'm not coming. Wife said you could come over here, if you want', or 'Wife said I can't come, and since I'm married to her, that's the end of that'.

Maybe I tend to be oblivious. I much prefer plain old English. Say it, and say it straight.:rolleyes:

If he were a (dirty word), he would even have said something like 'I can't come today. Wife is acting up and doesn't want me to come over'... but at least that would be effective and plain.

Oblivious? There are so many who are, and for a variety of reasons. It depends on their perspective. For me, I am usually 'one of the guys' wherever I go. Not for any other reason than most of my cousins are male, most of my friends were always male, the female friends I had were all tom-boys, I have always been in male dominated professions, I am closer to my father, and I have never looked at males as 'other creatures', they were people, just like females.

Whenever there is a crowd, you can expect me to be in the testosterone laden area. It's just where I fit in.

As an adult, I had to MAKE myself participate with more female filled activities and groups. Because of that, and discussions like this, I learned things that I would never have picked up just living around others. I learned I should be threarened by others and such :eek: And I learned that what I saw as totally innocent was not always seen that way. Yes, there was some yelling involved in my education. :blush:

But there are people out there who are oblivioius.

In my 'education', I also learned that some things that I did with my cousins were seen as 'inappropriate', even though me, nor my cousin, thought anything wrong. Heck, I still don't, but I see that others see it that way.

Oh, and I had a group of ladies really lambast a friend of mine for, get this, telling the group how good her husband was. 'You don't tell people that unless you want someone to try to sleep with your husband'. I still find this thinking totally ridiculous, but I'm now aware that someone out there thinks that way, and I know I don't have to think it makes a hill of sense.


#34

#35

[quote="Mayita30, post:34, topic:213326"]

. She often invites him round to her house (he says no because I don't like it). He doesn't see the problem, though."

--- The only BEST FRIEND a husband should have if he wants his marriage intact should be his WIFE. The girl telling him things that they are the same person definitely rings a bell for me. It is already affecting his wife whether he likes it or not. So to avoid further conflict he should distance himself from this friend. He should not spend time alone with this girl. Why prrefer time with this girl when you got family to take care of, responsibilities to do. Kids are normally in school MOnday to Friday.. and all you have are 2 days on the weekends to spend it with your family.
[/quote]

:banghead: Ok. ... Sure....Right..... Have it your way.... :banghead:

You have a point to make, and I see that you will do whatever you can to make it, even when it has nothing to do with what is being discussed.

It's late, life is short, and I really do enjoy sherbet. :)


#36

#37

So, if you were in that situation, I wonder which woman you would end up with. I guess it depends on which one gets released first. Your friend, from the hospital, or your “aggressive” wife, from the iron hotel.
:rolleyes:


#38

I’ve never been in this kind of situation, I’ve never let another woman get close to me.


#39

. She often invites him round to her house (he says no because I don’t like it). He doesn’t see the problem, though."

— The only BEST FRIEND a husband should have if he wants his marriage intact should be his WIFE. The girl telling him things that they are the same person definitely rings a bell for me. It is already affecting his wife whether he likes it or not. So to avoid further conflict he should distance himself from this friend. He should not spend time alone with this girl. Why prrefer time with this girl when you got family to take care of, responsibilities to do. Kids are normally in school MOnday to Friday… and all you have are 2 days on the weekends to spend it with your family.

A spouse and a friend are not the same thing, though at times they may be the same person. But thinking that they must be the same person is a serious problem with modern Western marriage, and it’s responsible for a lot of divorce.
[/quote]


#40

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