My husbands psychiatrist convinced him I am having an affair


#1

My husband goes to a dr for war-related PTSD and apparently this lady has convinced him I am either having an affair or about to.

It has become a real pain-in-my-butt.

Anyone have any experience with calming a husbands/wifes unsubstantiated fears of infidelity?

It is really trying my patience.

This lady has never talked to me and I have no idea what he told her but this accusation couldn't be further from the truth.


#2

Call her.

It seems unlikely that she has convinced him of this. She will probably be shocked to hear that is what he is saying.

BTW. She can listen to what you have to say but unless he signs a release, she should not tell you anything that they have discussed in session.

If she admits that she has had a part in convincing him that you are having an affair, it’s probably time to call your state licensing department to file an official complaint.


#3

Have you talked to your husband about why she would think you are having an affair?

Does you husband think you are having an affair and why? Have you changed your schedule or the way you dress? Do you disappear for hours with no explanation. Unknown phone calls or text messages. Do you hid your email? Chat on-line? Do you have male friends? Is someone spreading rumors about you?

If you know why he thinks you are having an affair, it would be easier to defend.


#4

offer husband that if Doc Iago is really concerned for his mental health, she should hire a private detective to trail you for a few weeks. the Kroger, WalMart and DMV are great places to meet yer fella, right?

seriously, remind your husband that bearing false wittness against your neighbor is a mortal sin and that doc should be more careful. more likely though, he's putting words or suggestions in the doctor's mouth..


#5

Very bizarre. I hope there are some psychiatrists who read this, and can give their opinion: this sounds like a serious boundary crossing. She's supposed to be working on his issues, not accusing the other spouse!
I hate to say this, but is there a possibility she's romantically interested in him? I know of a case where one party tried telling the other that their spouse was cheating, with the idea "You should cheat on her back.........with me".


#6

I think a far more likely scenario is that your husband's emotional condition may be getting worse. Although there are unscrupulous psychiatrists, the vast majority are competent physicians who have real concern for their patients. Unfounded accusations of infidelity are very frequently an early symptom of a developing paranoia, sad to say. For that reason, I would call the doctor and inform him of what you just told us. I am pretty confident that she will be even more surprised than you were when you heard this accusation, and she will be on the alert to observe him for deterioration in his emotional status, and intensify treatment before it gets much worse.

My prayers are with all concerned.


#7

Do you know what the psychiatrist is saying this? They wouldn’t say it without a reason…


#8

I had very bad experience several years ago when my husband out of the blue would disolve in tears and accuse me of sleeping with every man we had ever known in the previous twenty years.This became so serious when I had to physically struggle to hold him back from going to another man's family to accost a man who had no clue what was going on.we stopped going out in case i was looking at the grocery man or the bus driver I had to phone him every half hour from work .He refused to get help as he said i was just covering up .I don't know how i got through that time in our lives .Gradually he started to get better but still unstable sometimes .He is awonderfull father and husband every other way i found out layer his late mother and brother had the same issues but it was not dicussed because of family pride.


#9

Run far, far away from this psychiatrist!

If possible, find a Catholic psychologist or psychiatrist. Unless your husband has to take meds, there's no reason for him to see a psychiatrist.

Sometimes mental health professionals don't realize that the treatment they give is not helpful and turns out to be harmful and even anti-Christian. I've dealt with a couple of those...


#10

I would confront the psychiatist with this issue. (a phone call) Though I think it’s unlikely that it is true that she has led your husband to this untruth. Since you have now been defamed, you have a right to defend yourself. She needs to be aware that your husband has said this about you and you deserve to know if she has been encouraging this lie.


#11

I would mention it to the psychiatrist in as non-confrontational manner as possible as you certainly do not want to make the issue worse. My husband also accused me and I will tell you that even after a six and a half month separation going through divorce still haven't cheated and won't. He had two other gf's who were both married. Not going to play the finger pointing game but it says a lot for how projection works. No one that knew me believed it when he tried to start those rumors either.


#12

[quote="joandarc2008, post:11, topic:228675"]
I would mention it to the psychiatrist in as non-confrontational manner as possible as you certainly do not want to make the issue worse.

[/quote]

Joan's right .non-confrontational is best. When I reread my post it could have sounded like I was telling you to accuse the psychiatrist of collaborating with you husband about this lie.. Sorry if it came across that way.


#13

I've been accused. Taking a defensive posture just invites further accusation. You are responsible for yourself and I know the quality of your character. For a man in this situation, I’d advise him to apply the “Agree and Amplify” subset of Game. But for a woman in this situation, I just don’t know.

A&A might work, Tom on Mondays & Wednesdays, Frank on Tuesdays & Thursdays, Jeff on Saturdays, none on Sundays because that is a day of rest. The logic of this is to make it so absurd that the other party says “Baloney, you are full of yourself, Men don’t want you that much. In fact you couldn’t get a man to cross the street to oogle you if you were nekkid.” The mind is a funny thing and certain approaches can make it flip to the opposite point of view in an instant. [FONT=Arial]I am not necessarily advocating this just giving you A Whack on the Side of the Head to get your creative thought process going.
[/FONT]
This whole accusation thing must be devastating. In fact it is akin to being carted off to the loony bin based on delusionary accusations.

You will NEVER be able to prove your innocence, because this task is IMPOSSIBLE. A delusional spouse will cling to erroneous beliefs with a ferocious tenacity. In fact it is a mental safety mechanism to project the problem elsewhere because then they can believe that they are innocent and not the problem and do not need to work on themselves or look within at the scary stuff. The victim therefore becomes the perpetrator, but retains a victim mentality.


#14

You will NEVER be able to prove your innocence, because this task is IMPOSSIBLE. A delusional spouse will cling to erroneous beliefs with a ferocious tenacity. In fact it is a mental safety mechanism to project the problem elsewhere because then they can believe that they are innocent and not the problem and do not need to work on themselves or look within at the scary stuff. The victim therefore becomes the perpetrator, but retains a victim mentality.

I agree with this completely - at the time I was being accused of cheating I was homebound as I could not drive and the only time I went anywhere that my husband did not take me was when the 80 year old Sacristan from my parish picked me up to take me to daily mass as well as when my forty year old female friend and her fourteen year old son picked me up to take me to confession and Saturday evening mass as my husband stopped going. Should have been my first hint.


#15

I think it's possible that he got it into his head that you were cheating all by himself. Then shared his fears with his psychiatrist, but is now claiming "The psychiatrist said....." to make his accusations feel more legitimate. It shifts the burden of proof off of him - he doesn't have to give you any reasons why he thinks you're cheating, and if you try to defend youself he can just hide behind "what the psychiatrist said" rather than confronting you on the issue directly.

You will NEVER be able to prove your innocence, because this task is IMPOSSIBLE. A delusional spouse will cling to erroneous beliefs with a ferocious tenacity. In fact it is a mental safety mechanism to project the problem elsewhere because then they can believe that they are innocent and not the problem and do not need to work on themselves or look within at the scary stuff. The victim therefore becomes the perpetrator, but retains a victim mentality.

This is very true!


#16

[quote="odile53, post:6, topic:228675"]
I think a far more likely scenario is that your husband's emotional condition may be getting worse. Although there are unscrupulous psychiatrists, the vast majority are competent physicians who have real concern for their patients. Unfounded accusations of infidelity are very frequently an early symptom of a developing paranoia, sad to say. For that reason, I would call the doctor and inform him of what you just told us. I am pretty confident that she will be even more surprised than you were when you heard this accusation, and she will be on the alert to observe him for deterioration in his emotional status, and intensify treatment before it gets much worse.

My prayers are with all concerned.

[/quote]

I'm praying for you also.

I have PTSD and bipolar disorder and have struggled with significant psychosis throughout my life. This can include paranoia. It is something that can be treated through a combination of medication and therapy. Medication to stabilize and therapy to work out the conflicts. I have improved vastly since I had serious problems a few years ago. It is possible to improve substantially but treatment as you know is very important.

I don't know if your husband has issues with psychosis but they can go along with PTSD and as the above poster said, accusations of infidelity can be an early warning sign of paranoia. There is a group, the sidran foundation, www.sidran.org, that provides information on PTSD. They have worked with my college Loyola College (now university) Maryland to provide pastoral counseling that reflects the latest trauma research so they are familiar with helping people of faith. They are located in Baltimore and have a help desk you can email.

Treatment has improved significantly in the last 5 or 10 years, with research on mindfulness and CBT.

I'm not sure his psychiatrist will talk to you if you call. Due to confidentiality I'm not sure if that's legal. you may want to ask about that.

also, will your husband let you go to a doctor's visit and talk to the doctor with him? that can help if he trusts you and the doctor enough to do that.

it is possible to improve a lot with the right help.


#17

[quote="cviolette, post:3, topic:228675"]
Have you talked to your husband about why she would think you are having an affair?

Does you husband think you are having an affair and why? Have you changed your schedule or the way you dress? Do you disappear for hours with no explanation. Unknown phone calls or text messages. Do you hid your email? Chat on-line? Do you have male friends? Is someone spreading rumors about you?

If you know why he thinks you are having an affair, it would be easier to defend.

[/quote]

I do agree with this.


#18

I agree that you should not take your husband’s statements at face value, at least not yet.

I would call the MD, and calmly explain that your husband has been agitated and claiming that Dr. So-and-So says you are having an affair.

Then see what happens.

Or, you could calmly ask your husband for a joint session with the MD, so you can all three talk about these allegations.

Getting mad or defensive is not going to help.

Instead, just explain how it makes you feel. Hurt, betrayed, confused. Also, I would mention that “How am I supposed to defend myself against this if you don’t tell me the reasons you suspect it?”


#19

[quote="silentstar, post:16, topic:228675"]
I'm praying for you also.

I have PTSD and bipolar disorder and have struggled with significant psychosis throughout my life. This can include paranoia. It is something that can be treated through a combination of medication and therapy. Medication to stabilize and therapy to work out the conflicts. I have improved vastly since I had serious problems a few years ago. It is possible to improve substantially but treatment as you know is very important.

I don't know if your husband has issues with psychosis but they can go along with PTSD and as the above poster said, accusations of infidelity can be an early warning sign of paranoia. There is a group, the sidran foundation, www.sidran.org, that provides information on PTSD. They have worked with my college Loyola College (now university) Maryland to provide pastoral counseling that reflects the latest trauma research so they are familiar with helping people of faith. They are located in Baltimore and have a help desk you can email.

Treatment has improved significantly in the last 5 or 10 years, with research on mindfulness and CBT.

I'm not sure his psychiatrist will talk to you if you call. Due to confidentiality I'm not sure if that's legal. you may want to ask about that.

also, will your husband let you go to a doctor's visit and talk to the doctor with him? that can help if he trusts you and the doctor enough to do that.

it is possible to improve a lot with the right help.

[/quote]

Ditto, I have the same thing. When I started tracking imaginary folks into the woods and hearing about an affair over the radio, I knew I needed help. Be patient, he will heal, but it may take awhile and some work. My wife and I have been together 22 years now and we are still healing. Get away from that DR. and find another soon!


#20

Was it an physical affair or an emotional affair that your husband is convinced that you had?


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