Hey Everyone, im in need of some serious spiritutual help, because i cannot do it on my own, in the past 8 months i have been fighting the biggest struggle of my life, and its all to get my self back with god and have, a true faithful and believing heart.
You know my whole life God was always there for me i was NEVER EVER let down…all my prayers were answered, just like jesus said he would answer them because i asked them in his name. i BELIEVED!, there was no reason for me to doubt him, i had never had a doubt in my life, because i was so close with him. but i hate to admit it, in my junior year of highschool, i fell away from god, i stopped attending church reqularly, i still prayed and he always proved himself to be faithfull to me, so i figured everything was allright. but i was wrong i guess, back in febuary i i was having some mental health issues, with depression and anxiety, so i took meds for it, i mean i was a happy kid, but i remeber i drank only six shots with a few of my buddies and i started having a panic attack, my friends had all fallen asleep, and i couldnt handle it, becuase 5 days earlier i had one while i was high, and that was the last time i ever smoked, i asked god to save me then but i didnt feel like i was helped. so my faith started to get a liittle shaky, i decided that next sunday i was going to church, becuase i was determined to get my life back with god. but then like a fool, friday night came and yes drank those six shots with my friends but i ended up having another panic attack, i was already shaky with my faith so i was praying to god to save me and stop my panic attack, i believed he could. then i got the thought while panicing take your meds! i thought maybe this was gods way of saving me, WRONG. THAT COMPLETLY destroyed my mind, i felt disconnected from reality for six months it was terrible. i remeber i was sitting on my couch and i was praying god please take over my mind and stop me from panicing then, i started saying to myself god is with you god is with you, but then the thought what if god isnt with me popped into my head and thats when i realized god wasnt helping me and i couldnt figure out why except for the fact that i was being a bad kid or he was mad at me or he wasnt real, and in this messed up mind i read in the bible god will never let you down, and idk if he did but i felt as though he 100% let me down. so that made me question the truthfullness of his word…and i doubted uncontrolably, and stopped beliving in him. it has been the absoloute WORST expiereince in my life, i lost my best friend god, as i thought, and still at
times question, nothing is the same anymore he doesnt answer me like he used to, and i was so affraid not to believe in god i had nightmares about going to hell all of thatt is was terrible. i think to myself how can i explan all those years of gods fathfullness to me? then the voices came into my head "GODS NOT REAL ITS JUST YOU BELIVING that your prayers are being answered when they really arnt. to me this is crushing, i mean i have been dwelling on this day and night for 8 months, I would like to belive that its god that has been counseling me and has gotten me this far, because now i have figured out my final obstacle that i have to overcome and idk if this has been done by god or by satan. the expirience that i went through and still am going through has been so awful i cant even begin to explain, and i am affraid to have faith in god again, i want to so bad, i want to believe like i used to but my heart has been hardend, i ask god to unharden it but my faith is to week, my biggest fear is you know that beleving thing, i want the bible and everything in it to be true, im just affraid, ill be let down again, and ill stop believing in god again.and that ill have to go through what i just went through all over:( its hard it really is i dont know how god feels about the whole thingi have mixed views on him nowi dont see him in my mind as loving or helping but i belieive him to be distant and angry i sometimes wonder if this is all on purpose becuase he doesnt want me to believe in him like i did becuase i was being a bad kid, i doubt and i struggle, but you know im here, i have made it this far so that gives me some hope. but then the other voice i get is its just me on my own just making up excuses to conivince myself god hasnt let me down and he is helping me? i need help. my faith as is isnt strong enough i dont think to get me over my last obstacle and face my fears and believe in and trust in god and his word like i used to, i need to face my fears that god will let me down again. Jesus is the way. The truth. and the life. im choosing his way wich is trust and faith, and believe., and the hardest thing for me to do is to believe with all the doubts ive had its just im affrad to believe because i dont know if it really is me believing and god is helping me or if it just me believing and helping myself, thats why in the past 8 months i have in my own mind turned believing into a bad thing, so whenever i find myself belieiving and having peace i get my doubts and stop believing, i guess im just expecting god to be faithfull weather i believe or not. ive made a huge mess of things. but this is truley the last obstacle in my road to regaining it all with him i have to be strong, i know what i have to do, but i need all the help i can get because i have so many sighns trying to lead me away from god and so much confusion its alot to deal, i even believe there maybe even spirits out there looking for my ruination. im serious. the thought against god just pop into my head, where they come from i dont know…so thats why im asking you pleasde you who know god better then i do please pray for me!! ask him to once and for all help and let me claim victory over this expireince and all the forces at work against me if its not god, and help meregain all that i have lost regarding my faith, beliefs, and trust in him, and just let this finally come to an end.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this! God bless you all!