My Life Feels Over...Help!


A difficult topic for me to discuss, but I just really need to hear the views of some Catholics here.
I am 19 year old male catholic and I am realising that I have ssa. This has destroyed me for the past 5 months. I am absolutely terrified of life and 3 months ago considered killing myself. In my darkest hour, I realised that for some unknown reason God had given me this **** excuse of a life for some particular reason, I also realised in that moment just how much I believe in God’s existence.

I come from a very conservative family and was extremely anxious about telling my parents. My parents were very loving about it and told me that if I was unable to control myself, then they would not hold it against me if I had to satisfy my sexual drive. They are both catholics, but place my happiness first.

After talking with them, I realised that part of me could not accept what they had said. I consider and always have considered homosexual activity to be wrong ( while I believed I was heterosexual and even now I do). This is not a road I wish to go down, because it seems to be a road to perdition.

I am going to try living celibately, but I don’t know if I will last. I pray that I will. I pray that this is just a phase and that He will restore me back into “intrinsic order”.

There are many things that are vexing me in particular and I wish to address them to you in order to hopefully receive some insight:

  1. The greatest gift God ever gave me was the joy of being brought up in a loving, nuclear, catholic family. How could God deny me the joy and rewarding life of raising children and loving a wife?

  2. I see my life as not having any purpose whatsoever. I am condemned to a useless existence. I am forced to without evidence believe that I am serving some Divine plan.

  3. Even if I live my life in complete accordance with the catechism of the Church, I will still be the victim of stigma. Even on this forum I have heard ignorant catholics call homosexuals (i.e. the people, not the act) disgusting. This distresses me so much, as up until last year I would have defined myself as heterosexual, but now find myself in a group I have no desire to be associated with and I am labelled with the term “intrinsically disordered”.

  4. I am finding it very hard to view myself as a man. I am a 6ft, virile-looking, handsome Italian with sound and concrete moral values.I am politically and catholically conservative. I am in no way effeminate and yet this notion of ssa makes me feel like I am some shameful excuse for a human being, let alone worthy enough of the title: man.

  5. Will I ever truthfully be able to live a happy and fulfilling life?

I feel abandoned by God, yet He is the only person I have. Any feedback welcome.

Deus tecum


Talk to the pros at Courage who know what they’re doing and understand what you’re going through. On their web site, you can check out Encourage – for family members of people with SSA.

You actually sound like someone who may have one of the “remediable” forms of SSA.



PLEASE contact Courage as has been suggested. They can help you and EnCourage can help your family.


I hope you can get some support for what you are experiencing.





**Your life is NOT over. You are every bit as special to and loved by God as ever. :yup: First and foremost please know that.

You realize you have an issue, and one that goes against your morals. You want to take steps to help yourself, you started by posting here. Follow through with some of the helpful links that others have already posted. Thank God you have those morals, and use them to your benefit and His glory! :slight_smile:

God sees all of your efforts you are making to overcome this issue. He is very pleased with your efforts. It’s not the disorder that makes an end to your life, it is when you ignore the disorder and refuse to take/seek help that it puts an end to you.

Please know that we are here for you and that you are still very much loved by God, disorder and all. :slight_smile:




Nobody should go through the ostercizing pain of having ssa to the point where they want to kill themselves. Know that the church and Christ loves you for who you are. You aren’t sinning if you aren’t taking any immoral sexual actions in your ssa. You are NOT a bad person. You have a HEAVY cross to bear and you are not alone on that.

I am praying for you.


:amen: **to that! Well put Sina…as usual! ;):p:D



Very true. To the OP, I’m sorry this is the cross you have to bear, but it sounds like your faith and upbringing will be a big help in carrying it. Don’t ever give up - Jesus loves you and will help you carry that cross if you ask Him to.

Prayers for you. :hug1:


I really don’t know how to answer you because I am nobodys judge and jury, and who’s to say that my sins haven’t hurt GOD worse than yours. (too many to list won’t go into details) but I have found my way back to GOD and the church recently, and even though I love GOD with all my heart I still go through daily struggles. just when I think Iv’e got it all figured out it all falls apart on me. but the great thing about having GOD in your life is every day we get to get up and try it all over again. I have given up on the thinking that Iv’e got it all figured out because that’s probably never gonna happen for any of us. don’t let it drive you to your grave because that’s not doing GOD’S work. the devil wants us all dead and has nothing but hate and despise for all of us. maybe try telling GOD your truly sorry, go to confession, pray to GOD that he takes away anything in you that displeases him, and listen to what he has to say. it seems sometimes what we need more than prayer is to just listen to GOD in the silence of our hearts. just know that GOD loves you very much, and we are all GOD’S children, and if we love GOD we need to be there to help eachother out no matter what. I hope that helps and GOD bless you.


Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. You just can’t give up; that’s the key. And just remember that having a disorder isn’t wrong. It’s seriously annoying, but never wrong.

May God bless you and keep you.

Sam, the Neon Orange Knight


God bless you and welcome to CAF! You will find much support here.

May I ask what has happened in the last year to convince you that you are homosexual?

I consider and always have considered homosexual activity to be wrong ( while I believed I was heterosexual and even now I do).

This distresses me so much, as up until last year I would have defined myself as heterosexual, but now find myself in a group I have no desire to be associated with and I am labelled with the term “intrinsically disordered”.

It sounds like this is a new development and I am very interested in how you came to realize that you are no longer heterosexual.


Dear Friend in Christ Our King,

Thank you for your example of personal courage, and for giving us the opportunity to, hopefully, help you walk with this cross.

I am a 44yo with ssa and I just want to encourage you to seek God in prayer first and foremost. It sounds trite. I know it did to me when I was told that at your age. But it is like learning a martial art. We have to practice persevering prayer, really be a student of prayer, to better receive God’s protection, guidance, consolation, mercy, and healing.

Closely coordinated with prayer, I think it is important to do some soul searching so that you can better form your will. I found this to be key, because whenever I felt God was not helping me to abstain from impure thoughts or temptations, it was really because my own free will was not really resolved against those impure thoughts and temptations.

I learned that God doesn’t force His will upon me, I have to sincerely want to avoid them. There are various strategies to assist in this, such as finding good, noble, joyful, holy thoughts and everyday activities which we can learn to recognize as greatly superior to impure temptations with regard to bringing us lasting joy and peace. There will always be temptations to the lower passions, it’s a matter of making a habit of calmly and confidently turning them aside in favor of something better.

Just my 2-cents, but as a practical matter I would also advise you to move slowly and carefully regarding who you reveal this personal information to. Stick to those you know you can trust. This forum might be useful as a somewhat anonymous way of asking questions about personal matters. But even here you have to be careful as even some Catholics who mean well can give bad advice. A basic rule of thumb is that if somebody advises you against the clear teaching in the catechism, thank them politely and move on.

Maybe the best way to research here on the CA forums is to search the professionally staffed forum ‘Ask an Apologist’ for posts or titles that contain keywords like ‘ssa’, ‘homosexuality’, etc.

I think it’s terrific your parents love you so much. I would just offer you my personal experience that any sort of homosexual acting out is a dead-end, and the more often you indulge in it, the more difficult it is to stop indulging in it. It’s very much like an addiction.

Lastly I want to recommend this little $3 prayer booklet which might help you as much as it has helped me:
How to Converse Continually and Familiarly With God
It was written by Saint Alphonsus Liguori, a fellow italian. :thumbsup:

Sorry for running on so long but I hope this is helpful. You are in my prayers and please stay in touch with us via this thread.


I don’t really know what to say. :frowning:

I, too, struggle with ssa. It is a hefty cross, I promise you.
:knight2: Yet it is not impossible to bear.

First, please recognize that there is a difference between struggling with same sex attraction, and being a homosexual.

To be a homosexual implies that ssa defines who and what you are; the good news for us is that it doesn’t. Despite your struggles with same sex attractions, you remain a young man, a soldier and brother in Christ, and a child of God’s. Same sex attraction cannot take that away from you. You are not a homosexual, because you are not a slave to your temptations or your passions(ordered or disordered). Your passion does not define you; your Christianity and Catholicity should.

I know it seems like I’m nitpicking, but I’m not. I do not call myself a lesbian because I do not engage in sexual activity with other women; I do however, call myself a young woman who has been made an adopted daughter of God through Christ - and I do admit that a part of my cross is to struggle (currently) with ssa.

I also want to reassure you that struggling with SSA does not in any way make you dirty. Christ cleansed you in Baptism, He washed you with His blood and when you go to Him in Confession He again washes you clean - do you think that there’s a spot in any soul that He cannot make clean?

What you struggle with is a disordered concupiscence. Everyone has a disordered concupiscence, it is a remaining effect of original sin that we will not be rid of before we leave this earth (unless we leave it as some of the most holy of Saints). Yours is disordered in a way that is unique, yes. So is mine, yes. but it is still the same thing, and you and I are no more or less “dirty” than the next person.

I also wanted to suggest another good resource. I found that Courage didn’t have the resources to assist me where I am, unfortunately. So I went searching on the internet, and came across (Living Hope), which is an interdenominational resource for people struggling with ssa.

It does, admitedly, have it’s own shortcomings in that it is not always going to have the complete truth being expressed - it is mostly run by our seperated brethern of the protestant churches, after all - but for the most part, it’s way of dealing with ssa is very empowering for the individual struggler and it has the support network and resources that the Catholic Courage net does not seem to have.

It is very encouraging to be on a forum reading about other people who have overcome their ssa. People who never thought that they would be able to get married (in a heterosexual marriage), and yet now they are and they are happy, well-rounded people. People in those forums are in all different spaces of their personal journeys. So as far as struggling with ssa goes, it is an excellent resource (IMO).

In the areas where there seems to be an anti-Catholic sentiment, or an incorrect doctrine, it can be a very good opportunity to witness to the truth in a loving and gentle manner.

It’s not a perfect resource - it’s far from it. But it is a good one.

If there is anything you need, or would like to speak about, don’t hestitate to PM me. or e-mail me

In the meantime, remember to offer up your cross to Christ for the salvation and conversion of sinners, that He might bless others through your own struggles. You may never know until you reach heaven just how much good your own courage in carrying your cross has done for others.

Pax Christi,
Esther Rose


Yes, this must be a particularly hard cross for you to carry. Though I don’t have any advice beyond what others have said, I have already said a prayer for you and I will offer my next Rosary for you. There’s no one better to help with the battles of purity than Our Lady! She never refuses help and comfort to her children.

Also, I think you should know that your courage in carrying your cross has just encouraged me; if you can bear this heavy cross with such a level of conviction, I can bear my crosses with fortitude, too. As a mother, I would hope that if one of my kids were to have SSA, s/he would have the same level of commitment to follow Our Lord as you apparently do!

May God bless you!



I have no additional advice. I can, however, tell you this…God loves you and you are in my prayers.


Your life is not over. It is just starting. You have taken the first big step, YOU BELIEVE IN HIM, HIS POWER AND MERCY.

You can ask God to " REMOVE THIS CUP FROM YOU". God is about free will, He didn’t just give this “tendencies” to you, you have a hand on the matter and probably the devil too. When Job was tested by the devil, God consented provided the devil don’t stretch out his hand against him. When you were seriously contemplating suicide, God intervened and brought you back into your senses.

If you decide that you don’t want to drink from this cup with contrite heart and conviction, you will realise that it will be removed one day at a time.

I am praying for you.


Hey, I’ll be praying for you! I’m predominantly straight and I have struggled with SSA on occasion (still do sometimes) It’s tough but Our Lord is gracious and merciful. Just keep following Him and He will lead you where you are to go, whether that’s marriage or not.


Never forget that you are a child of God. He had you in mind since before the Creation and He loves you and will never let go of you. So even if you don’t feel “worthy,” so what? None of us are. I don’t struggle with SSA but I struggle with other things–everyone has their struggle. And there is plenty of disordered heterosexual sin in the world!

Please don’t commit suicide or think about it. You have infinite worth, and so much to offer, but when you only focus on the SSA problem you forget about the rest of your precious self. You are much more than your appetites.

Even people who have “legal, moral” sexuality fully in conformity with the Church, in a sacramental marriage…don’t spend much time doing sexual activities or thinking about sexuality issues. There are other things to do each long day! So perhaps promise yourself to “schedule” thinking or worrying about sexuality issues for only 10-15 minutes a day, because that’s about the most average time any person is spending on their sexuality at all. LOL Then when that time is up, no more thinking about it, get back to the rest of your life.

God is with you in all of this, and you might not have all the answers at once, but keep praying and be patient and wait on Him.

One thing that might help ease your distress is that you are so closed in on yourself and focused on yourself right now. If you can line up doing some direct service work for the poor, face to face, it will take you outside of yourself and show you that you do have something to offer to others right now, even though you don’t have it all figured out yet. Go volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen, for example, and be blessed by it. Be an instrument of God’s love and provision for those in need.

You are a child of God.
God loves you and will never leave you.

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