A difficult topic for me to discuss, but I just really need to hear the views of some Catholics here.
I am 19 year old male catholic and I am realising that I have ssa. This has destroyed me for the past 5 months. I am absolutely terrified of life and 3 months ago considered killing myself. In my darkest hour, I realised that for some unknown reason God had given me this **** excuse of a life for some particular reason, I also realised in that moment just how much I believe in God’s existence.
I come from a very conservative family and was extremely anxious about telling my parents. My parents were very loving about it and told me that if I was unable to control myself, then they would not hold it against me if I had to satisfy my sexual drive. They are both catholics, but place my happiness first.
After talking with them, I realised that part of me could not accept what they had said. I consider and always have considered homosexual activity to be wrong ( while I believed I was heterosexual and even now I do). This is not a road I wish to go down, because it seems to be a road to perdition.
I am going to try living celibately, but I don’t know if I will last. I pray that I will. I pray that this is just a phase and that He will restore me back into “intrinsic order”.
There are many things that are vexing me in particular and I wish to address them to you in order to hopefully receive some insight:
The greatest gift God ever gave me was the joy of being brought up in a loving, nuclear, catholic family. How could God deny me the joy and rewarding life of raising children and loving a wife?
I see my life as not having any purpose whatsoever. I am condemned to a useless existence. I am forced to without evidence believe that I am serving some Divine plan.
Even if I live my life in complete accordance with the catechism of the Church, I will still be the victim of stigma. Even on this forum I have heard ignorant catholics call homosexuals (i.e. the people, not the act) disgusting. This distresses me so much, as up until last year I would have defined myself as heterosexual, but now find myself in a group I have no desire to be associated with and I am labelled with the term “intrinsically disordered”.
I am finding it very hard to view myself as a man. I am a 6ft, virile-looking, handsome Italian with sound and concrete moral values.I am politically and catholically conservative. I am in no way effeminate and yet this notion of ssa makes me feel like I am some shameful excuse for a human being, let alone worthy enough of the title: man.
Will I ever truthfully be able to live a happy and fulfilling life?
I feel abandoned by God, yet He is the only person I have. Any feedback welcome.