My life is in shambles


#1

Dear friends,

I am new with this username because I can't remember my information for my old account. Over the past year I have asked you for prayers to help me find a teaching job. I'm happy to say that your prayers helped me to find that job. I also asked for advice regarding my spouse who was having an affair, but I tried to keep it gender nuetral so people would not know my sex. Many people assumed that I was a woman, but I am a man. I need outsider advice as to what I should do about my present state, my life is in shambles and all seems hopeless. Let me tell you my story...

I found out she was having an affair and confronted her, she seemed to want to work things out in counseling when we moved cross country for my new job. We never sought counseling when we arrived in our destination. I then uncovered a secret email account where she was still corresponding with her fling, and I confronted her. She finally agreed to counseling around Thanksgiving, but I told her I needed to know the whole story first. The 'whole' story was far more hurtful than I ever imagined, but I told her I would forgive her but I needed to know how. I told her time was of the essence, so we decided to go to Retrovaille.

At Retrouvaille she was having pains (had them prior to Retrovaille), and continued to have them during the after sessions. She missed a decent portion of some sessions and we missed the last sessions because she and the children were sick. She didn't like the homework, so we did little and completely stopped with all the illness. I told her recently that we needed to go back to the sessions and start doing our homework.

This past weekend she went out with a friend and was supposed to keep me informed of where she was at all times. I sent her a message at 2:30 because I haven't heard from her. I put the kids in the car and went to the last place she said she was at because I didn't know if she was in trouble. She finally called at 4:00 and said her purse and phone were in the car trunk so she wouldn't have to carry them in. She said the manager was her friends cousin and they were able to drink to 4:00. I checked her texts and all the incoming for that day were deleted, but she sent one to her friend stating "we are here." Supposedly, she was by herself and that doesn't seem like she is alone. She denies she was with someone and doesn't know how the messages were erased.

Sunday, she told me she never loved me or was ever attracted to me, this hurt more than the affair. I made a bonehead move and took the kids to where she worked so she could say goodnight to them. She was drunk (was not working, just at her work) and started a fight. The police became involved and she was cited as the aggressor (even though she called).

She says its over for good and I'm scared to death. We are talking and she maintains that its over, but I asked her to go see a priest with me (she agreed). How should I proceed in this situation?

More background knowledge - we are over our heads in debt and I don't know where to turn.

Any advice would help. I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm devasted that I'm losing the love of my life. I have forgiven past mistakes and have asked for forgiveness for min.

God bless.


#2

You have my deep sympathy.
I can only pray for you, as what you are going through, no words of human comfort can really alleviate.

You can only do the best you can. You clearly are trying the best you can but you have no control over your wife's free will, and her free will seems subverted to a range of unhealthy behaviors and choices.

I will keep you, your children...who are also victims of what appears to be selfish and out of control behavior....and your wife in my prayers.

You wife doesn't love you but not because you aren't valuable, you are, only because her mind and spirit isn't centred right and can't relate to genuine love, at least now, if not always. Remember that you are a good man and valuable. Don't judge yourself by your wife's position as she isn't balanced on these things, right now if not an underlying characteristic of her life.
May God give you all the graces and support that you all need.


#3

My brother,

When things are at their darkest, turn to God. We've all been to rock bottom before-we've all had our moments when we don't know what to do. Remember deeply that God loves you and He always will. You can tell Him anything and he will always listen.

My advice-find it if it is really "over" with your wife. If it is, fight for it-but eventually you need to what you need to do. Get a lawyer, a priest, and a therapist in that order.

God bless you my friend. You are in my prayers.


#4

Many times we pray "from the head". NOW is the time, to get on your knees, and pray from the heart. It's apparent you love her, and their are children involved, so its a double whammy if this marriage dissolves.
I truly believe...God hates divorce!
Its almost like a death!
its truly a "tearing away".
BUT, it is nonetheless, a true "sacrament"....and this being true, you can call on Our Good Lord, to give that grace, that comes from the sacrament, to the marriage NOW.

Pray with all your heart. you do not know the reasons for any of this mess now, it may strenghten you and your spouse, like you have never been strengthened before but no way without the grace of God at this point! And I believe you know this!

Pray....it is the strongest weapon you have in this war to keep your family together...total reliance on Jesus at this time, remain kind....you may be called to forgive the biggest hurts of your life, and this too, will require prayer.

God Bless you! God Bless your children, and God Bless your wife!


#5

You mentioned that you "pulled a bonehead move" and took the kids to where she worked so she could say good night to them, and she was drunk (but not actually working.) You also mentioned that she was going out with a friend, and then claimed to be alone, and then claimed to be at an establishment where she could drink till 4 (I'm assuming that means 4 AM.) It doesn't seem too normal to me that one would go to their place of employment after they had been drinking, let alone being visibly intoxicated. Normal people just don't do that! Is your wife abusing alcohol? Along with that all sorts of unhealthy and irresponsible behaviors coexist.

Living with an alcoholic can make anyone unbalanced themselves. If she is a problem drinker, whether or not you realize it, you (and the children) have been affected by it. All sorts of unhealthy behaviors start emerging on the part of the spouse of an alcoholic, without the spouse realizing how unhealthy the situation is getting, and how unhealthy they themselves are getting. And, by the way, all that the word "alcoholic" means is that a person has lost the ability to control and enjoy their drinking and is being negatively affected by it.

If you think she has been abusing alcohol, please do consider adding this to your list of people and things you must see to get your ducks in a row concerning this marriage--AlAnon. AlAnon is a fellowship of people who have relatives or friends that are alcoholic. It is not the same thing as AA but borrows heavily from the AA traditions and steps. You will learn how to survive and thrive regardless of whether your wife quits drinking. And should a definitive decision concerning the next step you should take about this marriage, the practice of the AlAnon program, along with the serious practice of your Catholic faith, will put you in the position of making the best decision possible under such trying circumstances. At the very least, AlAnon will help you recover from the effects of living with an active alcoholic and get your joy back, regardless of whether she leaves or stays, or even regardless of whether she sobers up. If you do not know how to find AlAnon in your town, that is something you might want to ask your parish priest. Priests are usually pretty good at having a good general knowledge of helpful organizations and programs, and you really do need some fellowship with others who have survived what you are enduring.


#6

Praying for you.


#7

I will definitely pray for you and your precious family. It does sound like there is alcohol abuse involved, nothing can ever be normal if that is the center of your wife's life. You must have something if she is willing to move across country with you. Is it possible to move back, especially if your families are there? Divorce is a terrible thing, it will not solve the pain of a bad marriage but it will give you peace of mind. Do you have a sacramental marriage in the Catholic church? Please speak to your Priest and go to confession regularly! Attend daily Masses as much as possible, you will be amazed at the strength you will find. Last but not least seek out Eucharist adoration and sit before our Lord, miracles still happen, there are many things that you can do even if all seems hopeless, it never is for those of us that believe. Remember that your children are lovable and capable, but they need both a mother and a father.


#8

I am sorry to say that you cannot help her, you can only help yourself and your children.

Go to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as possible. You and your family have been affected by her drinking - you qualify for the meetings. You will meet others who have similar problem with an alcoholic. You must detach from her choices and take care of yourself and your children. There are meetings all over the country, if you are in an urban area there are multiple meetings during the day and night. Sometimes they are held at the same time as AA meetings, sometimes separate.

You will have people who care about you immediately, which is important.


#9

I would second the al-anon suggestion with only one caveot. Some meetings are better than others and pay attention to weather people are living in the solution or living in the problem. If it is full of people just complaining about thier spouses with no one looking at how to better the situation run for the hills and find a healthy meeting. You also dont need your wife with you to go to counceling.


#10

Prayers - we will be thinking about your troubles and praying for you. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you.
Much love and God bless,
M


#11

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and you are in my prayers.

You don’t say if your wife’s drinking was a one-time or a chronic thing. If it is chronic, please let me urge you to put your children out of harm’s way immediately. Your marriage is sacred, a covenant and that should be honored and kept to the best of your ability. Always. That sacred covenant, however, does not mean your children need to be or should be exposed to a woman whose addiction (again assuming this is relevant to her) makes her do and say unpredictable, harmful things.

Personally, it seems thus to me: Your wife is using you as a punching bag. She’s saying hurtful things, doing hurtful things and doesn’t seem entirely invested in improving your relationship. That’s NOT a marriage.

I think it’s time for you to give your wife an ultimatum. She needs to clean up her act, immediately or you will take steps to a) leave her and b) get sole custody of your children. First, she needs to ditch the boyfriend. If she keeps a cell phone, then all texts/calls, etc. will be monitored (to be fair, allow her to do the same with you if she wishes). She needs to stop the drinking and staying out all night. Bottom line, she needs to start being a wife and mother. Pronto. If she’s not willing to do that, then you need to protect yourself and your children from her destructive choices. At this point, she appears more than happy to take you all down with the ship. That’s not fair to any of you.

Again, you are all in my prayers. God’s peace be with you.


#12

[quote="Irish_Girl_68, post:11, topic:233468"]
I think it's time for you to give your wife an ultimatum. She needs to clean up her act, immediately or you will take steps to a) leave her and b) get sole custody of your children. First, she needs to ditch the boyfriend. If she keeps a cell phone, then all texts/calls, etc. will be monitored (to be fair, allow her to do the same with you if she wishes). She needs to stop the drinking and staying out all night. Bottom line, she needs to start being a wife and mother. Pronto. If she's not willing to do that, then you need to protect yourself and your children from her destructive choices. At this point, she appears more than happy to take you all down with the ship. That's not fair to any of you.

Again, you are all in my prayers. God's peace be with you.

[/quote]

:thumbsup:


#13

That’s his wife, though; I think he should help her or figure out what her issue is. It seems like she is willing if she agreed to see a priest with him. I think that’s the best first step to take.


#14

See your priest with your wife, by all means.
Next, see a lawyer pronto. You certainly don't have to file for divorce, but you may possibly need legal help. If your wife is as out of control as she sounds, you need to take definite steps to protect your children.
Personally, I would be explicit about boundaries. She is being a spoiled brat, and you shouldn't put up with it, no matter how much you love her.


#15

[quote="HNA444, post:13, topic:233468"]
That's his wife, though; I think he should help her or figure out what her issue is. It seems like she is willing if she agreed to see a priest with him. I think that's the best first step to take.

[/quote]

If she is an alcoholic (he is describing situations that certainly go along with that disease) or has a problem with alcohol, he CANNOT help her. Trust me, the alcoholic will not accept someone else's help unless and until she or he is ready, and then the help usually needs to be another alcoholic through (usually) a 12-step program. Each person has dignity of her own, and choices. And alcoholism is like some other diseases in that the person must participate in the treatment.

He could not force her to comply with a diabetic diet if she didn't want to be healthy. He could not force her to stop smoking (not a disease but an addiction that leads to diseases) even if she got lung cancer.

He can drive himself crazy and make his children crazy by trying to cure or control her drinking. It is not his responsibility to save her, because he did not cause the drinking either. In fact, once the family and friends of alcoholics withdraw their enabling and start taking care of themselves instead of the alcoholic, they frequently do get into treatment.

It's great that she is willing to see a priest. One step at a time. I still recommend that he go to several Al-Anon meetings and give it a shot. Meetings are different yet the same in structure. It's important to listen to what people say and if it's just people complaining about the alcoholic, then try another one. If they discuss their OWN program and how they are working it, then it is probably a healthy meeting.


#16

Sorry it took so long to reply to my own thread, but things are going too fast right now. Thank you for all the prayers and advice. The one thing about her drinking is that she never does it around the kids and she is a really good mother.

Even though she agreed to see our parish priest, she now refuses to do so. Her attitude is I don't love you and I will never love you again. She is already looking for a place to live and has contacted an attorney. I am trying to be civil towards her because my kids need both parents; I just don't understand why a wife and mother would walk out on her family. Please keep in mind that I have added things to the pot over the years, such as fumbling my job search, not being open to jobs other than teaching and being bad with money. The place we moved to is very expensive and we relied on credit cards too much, so money is another issue. It seems that these and other issues with the kids, her lack of sleep (3-4hours) may have pushed her over the edge.

We are going to try for joint custody and try to keep lawyers out of the process, so everything must be civil. I WILL NEVER ALLOW MY CHILDREN TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF ANOTHER MAN WHEN THEY ARE WITH HER!

Besides my parish priest, diocese family life offices and possibly social services, where can I turn to for help?

c5180


#17

"The one thing about her drinking is that she never does it around the kids and she is a really good mother."

How can she be a good Mother when she is out until 4:00 am drinking instead of being at home tucking her children into bed and lying to and cheating on their Father? Her attentions are divided and not on her family.

" I am trying to be civil towards her because my kids need both parents".

Your children need TWO GOOD Parents. Being civil through a divorce is a nice thought but when it gets down to the nitty gritty, please make sure you have police records and documentation to help you in the custody hearing. The court will need to know about her beligerant behavior towards you and acting out in a confrontational manner, so much so, that the police had to intervene in front of her children. How very sad for them.

" I WILL NEVER ALLOW MY CHILDREN TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF ANOTHER MAN WHEN THEY ARE WITH HER!"

And just how do you plan on controlling that?

Where can you turn to for help? Help with what?

She has made it clear that she does not want to be married any longer. I think going to Alonon would be the next step after seeing an attorney.


#18

[quote="horselvr, post:17, topic:233468"]
"The one thing about her drinking is that she never does it around the kids and she is a really good mother."

How can she be a good Mother when she is out until 4:00 am drinking instead of being at home tucking her children into bed and lying to and cheating on their Father? Her attentions are divided and not on her family.

" I am trying to be civil towards her because my kids need both parents".

Your children need TWO GOOD Parents. Being civil through a divorce is a nice thought but when it gets down to the nitty gritty, please make sure you have police records and documentation to help you in the custody hearing. The court will need to know about her beligerant behavior towards you and acting out in a confrontational manner, so much so, that the police had to intervene in front of her children. How very sad for them.

" I WILL NEVER ALLOW MY CHILDREN TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF ANOTHER MAN WHEN THEY ARE WITH HER!"

And just how do you plan on controlling that?

Where can you turn to for help? Help with what?

She has made it clear that she does not want to be married any longer. I think going to Alonon would be the next step after seeing an attorney.

[/quote]

Thank you, this is very sound advice. It seems that since I am trying to convince her to stay, she is in control of me. I need to stop begging and pleading.

It sounds that the best advice is to stop dragging my feet, contact a lawyer and try for full custody? I will also document everything, including how many drinks she has at home.

My parish priest called while she was home today and I didn't have time to talk. I'm going to tell him its probably to late to save the marriage and if there are any parish resources that I could go to for help. Is there anything specific I should ask about?

c5180

PS - I regret reading these forums for many years and not posting. You are all amazing people trying to help one another get into heaven. That's awesome!


#19

C5180:

Please know that I do feel for you and your situation with your wife. It is very difficult to realize that no matter what you do, how hard you try, the person you married and love has become a stranger and is not the person you married and fell in love with and that this person no longer wants to be with you. The heart just shatters. You need to mourn for your marriage that sounds as though it is ending. This is understandable and something I think most everyone has to do.

However, you can't stay stuck in that mourning because you do have to get the old ducks in a row especially if she already has a lawyer and does not want to be in the marriage any longer.

It takes two people that want to put things back together and sometimes unfortunately, this is not the case. Go to Mass and confession, receive communion, speak with your Priest. You and the children are kept in prayers.


#20

I'll reiterate my original advice: Get to AlAnon. And keep going even after the divorce is finalized. Living with an alcoholic is incredibly damaging to the non-alcoholic. Yes, the sacraments can help you heal, but it also helps if you have the fellowship of others who have been down this road. They've done this dance, too. And living with an alcoholic is like dancing with a gorilla--you're not done dancing till the gorilla's done dancing.

I also question the "good mother" thought: Someone in the throes of alcoholism or addiction is more interested in how they can maintain their supply before anything else, including their job, their family, their health. They may go through the motions--e.g., the house is presentable, the kids are clean and fairly healthy, but honestly, they're just not "there" mentally or emotionally. Essentially, they are living a lie, because their entire thinking is based on an artificial view of the world. They can't be a "good" anything under those conditions. They can't even manage to take care of themselves as the alcoholism progresses, as it will until they decide they are going to stop drinking. You see, the alcoholic is dancing with their own particular gorilla, too.

And by all means, contact a competent attorney. It might be a wise idea to consider making a list of witnesses for when you do go for an annulment as well.


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