Hi,I am a 25 year old Catholic male suffering from a possible case of quarter life crisis or something like that. This is actually my first post and the main reason why I created an account (although I do intend to on becoming an active member as I found a lot of answers on these forums - thanks to generous contributions made by the members).
Well to get straight to the point - I have a sexuality issue. I am a homosexual yet I have made the unpopular decision to live my life according to the church’s teachings as much as possible (I do have a problem with pornography, but that’s a separate issue that I’m actively working on). So far I have never been in a relationship with anyone. My sexuality is and has always been a complete secret. You my fellow readers are the first people I’m saying this to.
On the outside I lead a normal life. I have a good job and very good relations with my colleagues, blessed with loving parents, much-talented and have too many interests and hobbies to mention. Making friends was never really a problem for me either. People think of me as a fun, cultured and understanding.
Yet, regardless of the above, frequently I feel empty, as if my life has no purpose, as if I’m living a lie. There are occasions where I lose my motivation completely, its like a great feeling of apathy and lack of energy. I’m even finding it hard to go out with my friends on weekends, as if there’s no point. When I do go out, I feel alone, I see my mates chatting with the ladies, winking and smiling… Well I wink back, smile, maybe pass a comment and immediately retreat inside my head thinking about my life. It’s as if I still can’t accept that I am a homosexual.
Sometimes my parents/ friends, heck even my grandparents ask me if I have a girlfriend. I always manage to find some excuse or change the subject as quickly as I can. Deep down, this makes me feel devastated because I know that I can never love a woman properly and fully. This is my cross to bear, its a heavy cross but I do like to believe that God has given me this cross for a reason, a reason I hope to be able to understand one day.
Sometimes I wish that I would tell my parents the truth about me instead of having to blame work stress or lack of sleep when I’m feeling down or depressed (which has been my general mood lately. Unfortunately I am quite good at faking happiness with everyone except with my parents.Anyways, to cut a long story short, I was wondering if there’s anyone out there who had a similar life experience. I really could use some advice. Please appreciate that this is something I have never shared with anyone (it took me an hour and a half just to write this post). My sexuality has been my burden since my teenage years. Unfortunately this cross just keeps getting heavier each day and at this point I have no idea what I’m going to do about it.
Thanks for reading this and for understanding and apologies for the uninviting title but I’m not feeling very creative tonight