First: wow. Some responders are quick to attack, accuse, and make false assumptions. I guess I expected something more Christlike from a Catholic forum. Those of you who were quick to jump to conclusions–are you really at this forum to help people, or just to remind yourself that you are holier than those of us who are struggling?
“You don’t say how old you are or whether you want children.”
I’m 26 and he’s 28. We both want children eventually.
“I guess you need to ask yourself why you married someone you didn’t enjoy kissing or click with sexually in the first place.”
I thought that the sexual chemistry would come after marriage. It was my first adult non-sexual relationship, and I thought that the reason there was no sexual chemistry was because we had taken it off the table by agreeing that sex had to wait until after marriage. (I had premarital sex in previous relationships (prior to converting). I was in the process of converting to Catholicism when we met.)
“Why would you be so cruel as to perpetrate such a hoax on a man as to marry him when you felt no sexual chemistry for him, and then hurt him even more by withholding sexual love from him for the vast majority of your marriage?”
This was not a “hoax.” I told him that I didn’t enjoy kissing him and that I was sexually uninterested. He assured me that marriage would cure those concerns.
I didn’t “withhold” sexual love from him–whenever he pursued me, I accepted him and did my best.
“You don’t say if either of you was very experienced.”
I was very experienced, having been in serious relationships in the past that involved sex. Sex always came easily in those relationships–probably because it was a main component. After I converted, I chose to be chaste.
“Will you find a better man than him? You don’t say whether you love him or miss him.”
No, I won’t find a “better” man than him. He’s the kindest man anyone will ever meet. I do love him, and I do miss him. I guess I fear being “selfish” in going back to him without knowing that our intimacy issues can be resolved.
“Look, I’m sorry that it didn’t work out, and I want you to be happy, but after reading these last few posters, I just want to give your husband a hug!”
Don’t judge my situation based on the false assumptions of others, please. :S
“I guess I would suggest seeing a counsoler as a couple about your intamacy problems”
We say a counselor for a few months. She was a strict Catholic counselor who essentially told me that I made a vow and my duty was to pretend to be happy for the next 70 years. That wasn’t very inspirational. :S
“How long were you married?”
We were married for 1.5 years. (We dated for 2 years before getting married.)
“It also takes communication and a willingness for both to find out what the other requires to fully experience the act.”
I think that this is true and maybe we never got around to this because the sex was so unpleasurable. I’m not sure.
“People have some very lofty ideas about sex and how it ‘should be’. It sounds like maybe you feel into that trap?”
I didn’t necessarily expect him to “perform” (in past sexual relationships, it was a very reciprocal thing) but I guess I did expect it to feel like a powerful loving connection.
“The fact that your husband wants to work things out to me, speaks volumes about him.”
He is an amazing person. He did honestly say that part of why he wants me is because, since we consummated the marriage, he can never marry anyone else until I die, and he wants children, so he’s “stuck with me.” He didn’t say that in a hurtful way–he was just trying to communicate that he would never even look for anyone else because in his mind, it would be morally wrong for him to do so.
“A marriage without sex is just like a same sex friendship.”
Thank you for pointing this out. I find it hard to believe that anyone who has experienced a sexless marriage would feel that sex is an unimportant component.
From reading the more thoughtful responses, I think that maybe the question I am trying to ask is: can you create sexual chemistry out of nothing?