My marriage is a car wreck


#1

I will keep this as short as possible because otherwise it will very long

I got married to “Luke” (we will call him that for now) at 19. A few months before we got married I miscarried our first child. He and his entire family act like this never happened.

When we’re planning our wedding I said in front of the priest and my husband that I DID NOT want to get married and everyone ignored me, or Luke believe my reasons weren’t “good enough”.

After we got married we got pregnant again in about 4 to 5 months. Luke ignored me (while obsessing over World of Warcraft). Then after our son was born he was terrible to us. He continued to ignore me and he yell profanity at our son (he was no more than 4 months old) and ignored him as well.

Five months later I was pregnant again. This time he had absolutely nothing to do with the baby and basically didn’t talk to me for 8 months.

He lets his family make fun of me and does nothing. He doesn’t care about my education. He will disappear for hours at a time and he has stopped going to church and now says he doesn’t believe in God.

The kicker is he was the most devout, caring, loving most understanding man I’ve ever met!!! He didn’t care if I had girly moments he would actually cry with me. He was the example I followed in growing in my faith. Our relationship had problems and yes we had pre-marital sex, but I still loved him more than anyone I’ve ever known. He’s just thrown all 8 years together to the way side like it meant nothing. I’ve tried to get help for both of us, but when we decided we didn’t like our current therapist and we stopped seeing her to look for another one… he enrolled in a Financial Peace University class instead and now our marriage is on the back burner AGAIN. Four years and our marriage has sat there burning like extremely overcook food. I don’t know what to do. I can’t make him care. I’ve explained some of the more disturbing details to my priest and he thinks I should get an annulment. I don’t want to do that because my parents are divorced and I swore I would never do that. PLEASE HELP ME!!


#2

The only person you can change is yourself. Go get help on your own so you can learn to stand up to him. Don’t wait for him to agree to couple’s counseling - go by yourself.

You have to stand up for yourself and your kids.


#3

Lost:

Reading your post, it strikes me that you have the answers.

You said, "he WAS the most devout…"
and “I can’t make him care…”

Was is not is … and you’re right, you can’t make anyone love you, or care about you. You can only be the best you can be, and let what is to be, come to pass. Your husband may be hurting you and you have the choice to allow that to continue to happen to you, that’s up to you. But you now have little children, and they have no choice. So you have to realize what is happening to them, and make a choice for them.

A Christian, and especially a Catholic, husband, treasures his wife and loves, cherishes, protects, and guides his children; they are gifts from God. A man (and in this case, as you describe him, I use the term loosely) doesn’t treat his wife with contempt and ignore her (except when he wants sex). And he certainly doesn’t unleash a tirade of profanity at a four month old. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’re on a path to a world of unhappiness, at best.

You say you don’t want to divorce. Look, we all make mistakes in judgment, that’s just being human. We need to recognize our mistakes, forgive ourselves, and move on. That’s being healthy. It sounds like you didn’t want to marry in the first place, and your mistake may have been to allow yourself to be ignored. Staying in an abusive relationship isn’t good for you or your children; not recognizing that is compounding the initial mistake.

I’m sure you’ve heard something like this before. But living in a bad family situation is not good for you, and it is especially not good for little children.

To be Catholic is to love and seek the truth, and to live it. Talk to your priest again…and listen to him. His advise sounds awfully good to me, given what you’ve said.

Shalom


#4

alostcatholic, I notice in another thread you said no one listened to you when you knew something was wrong with your first pregnancy, and here’s what you say about “Luke” and the priest ignoring you as well …

Bear in mind I only know what you’ve written, but it seems you feel you need other people’s “permission” to go ahead with things or their agreement that you are right before you take action.

You don’t need a fiance’s or priest’s “permission” to not get married if you don’t want to. (I am astonished priest would ignore such a thing, by the way.)

You don’t need anyone’s “permission” to get medical help or advice when you feel a pregnancy has gone wrong.

You didn’t need these two men to acknowledge your reluctance to marry in order to walk out of there, or for other folks to say, “yes you’re right, that sounds like as problem, go see a doctor” before you seek help.

I could be way off the mark and I apologise if I am, but it sounds like you won’t get anywhere real soon if you want everyone to agree or approve before you can take a stand on these sorts of major issues. I would second the advice on personal counselling because I can’t see counselling together is going to do much until you can see yourself as a grownup who is not “held hostage” by other people’s opinions.


#5

No offense but you are way off. I asked the doctor to please help me because I was concerned and he said it was total normal implantation pains I was feeling. I did try to seek help and when it finally got to the point where I knew the implantation pains should have been over with I went to the hospital and finally got the ultrasound, I was 19 years old what the heck did I know about the world? I didn’t know jack and I hoped that getting married would help us heal some wounds if I had known then what I know now I would have made an entirely different choice but I didn’t know. If you do not have anything constructive to say please do not make me feel any worse than I already do. Why is it that Catholic’s are so freaking mean to people who are struggling? I can’t figure out what to do because it’s either I get help from outside the church and I feel like there is a piece of the puzzle missing or I get help from people inside the church like you guitar and they make me feel like I’m being silly. Whatever happened to loving your neighbor?

Don’t be so surprised about priest… I had another priest tell my mother in law that I deserve to be beaten by my father because I pushed his limits by staying out too late. Priest are just as capable of being dim-witted as anyone else it.


#6

Lost, I only know what you wrote here, and I already apologised lest it be way off the mark.

From what you wrote, it does read as though you feel hemmed in by these other people, that it’s an issue that they ignore you.

So if what I say isn’t applicable to you, fine, ignore it. I can assure you no meanness was intended and I don’t see why it would make you feel silly, especially if it’s not applicable to you. Many people do struggle with those sorts of issues and it isn’t silly. I hope other posters can give you the help you are looking for. Please don’t get too upset - it’s impossible to depict a whole situation in a few paragraphs and people often get comments that aren’t applicable for that reason.

(I know a few dim-witted priests as well but still I would expect one to take expressed reservations about marriage seriously.)

:console:


#7

I am sorry for the loss of your first child. Will pray for you.

You are right on the mark - you cannot make him… You can take care of your child and yourself. Have you sought out a councilor for you? It seems that you have many hurts, and someone who is experienced in helping is who I’d seek out. How about checking out foryourmarriage.org/ or www.exceptionalmarriages.com.

You can pray for your husband. You can grow yourself, become the woman that God wants you to be.

Financial Peace University - that is Dave Ramsey’s work? Is he doing this for the good of your family? Would he try www.retrouvaille.org?

There are some wise caring folks here, they will give you some great advice.


#8

I’m sorry this is happening to you, alostcatholic.:frowning: I will keep you and your husband in my prayers…

My one question is…did your husband go through anything between the time you married, and the time you both had your child after you were married? When people ignore those they love, usually something internal is going on–it’s not just them trying to be difficult. I say this, as my husband and I had issues during our marriage…roughly, maybe 9 years ago, and I remember ignoring some of his feelings…so, I would imagine there is something causing this, and not you. Is your husband at all interested in possibly going to counseling? If so–that would be a great start! Could be issues of commitment going on there…I am at a loss about him not believing in God anymore, but you know, marriage sometimes brings out things in us that have been repressed for years. When we’re dating, we’re usually on a high, but marriage…commitment–usually brings out bottled problems. I speak from experience on that. If your husband is willing to go to counseling–there is hope.

What YOU can do for you right now, is keep praying, and give this over the God…and keep on being a great mom and wife, despite your husband’s issues. Ultimately, we can only control our reactions to people–this is not your fault. You could try to see if your husband would be willing to take a cooking class with you–or do something just the two of you…consistently…maybe twice per month, even…and get back to the roots of why you both fell in love in the first place. It does wonders for my husband and me, when it’s just the two of us, sometimes. We love our kids immensely, but we need occasional ‘date’ nights…Now, if your husband ignores this, then really…counseling is the best option. If he ignores that, I might ask him–what he wants. Does he like the marriage as it is? Does he see room for improvement? I pray that he opens up, agrrees to counseling, and that your marriage gets back on track.


#9

First off, I’m sorry you’re having this problem.

Dave Ramsey is just an excuse for your husband. I invesitgated Dave, when I discovered I didn’t know as much about him as I thought. Dave believes in mutual submission in a marriage. Dave would not want your husband to treat you this way if you were not on-board with the plan. Dave would not let your in-laws make fun of you. While I still like to see Catholic materials (things like confession for debt sins) for Catholics in debt, I honestly like Dave Ramsey. The Financial Peace University class is supposed to be attended by both parties of the marriage, not just one.

So, if your husband told you that he has to go to FPU alone, he’s lying. If he told you it had nothing to do with you, he’s lying. Go check out Dave Ramsey’s web site, particularly the radio archives as well as columns. Never once does he say “Go all by yourself.” He usually says something like “You can’t push a rope, you have to pull it.”

You are what, 27, 28? Are you in a situation where you cannot get away from abuse? That’s what you have described here. You have described imprisonment by a man who ignores you but won’t let you do anything, and whose family is allowed to treat you like dirt and somehow participate in this imprisonment. If that is so, then you need to contact a women’s shelter right away, as soon as your husband has left you for the day and you are alone, to plan your escape. They will tell you what you need to take with you and how to go about it. You can also contact your old therapist, and ask for her assistance.

If you are NOT in an abusive situation where you are somehow being held against your will, then you need to ask for more advice. There are other priests in the world besides the two you mention. I know of a couple humdingers of awful priests, but certainly all of them are not inappropriate. Find another one. Call the chancery. Tell him you did not freely give of yourself at marriage and the priest refused to hear what you said. I know of no priest who, if you told him these things, would not help you, or at least refer you and your children to a place where you could receive the assistance you seem to desire.


#10

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.