My marriage is ending, prayers please! (really long, apologies!)


#1

I am not sure why I am sharing except in hopes that I may receive a few thoughts that I may not have heard already.

I have been married for almost 11 years now (in September). We have one daughter, who is 5. When I met my husband, I was 19, and at the time I had no religion except I called myself Christian. He was LDS, and in a very short period of time I began missionary discussions which led to my becoming LDS. We were married a little over a year and a half after meeting, and a year after our marriage, we were then sealed in the LDS temple.

Now, to back up slightly. During our courtship, from nearly the begining, there have been many stumbling blocks (infidelity on both sides) which led to mistrust. I was young, naive. We chose to stay together, for reasons sometimes I still do not understand. I think we always figured "If we can get through this, we can get through anything!".

SO, since that point he has had a lack of trust with me, and in turn it became very challenging for me to talk to him. Communication has been a huge challenge. I have dealt with depression off and on over the years since being with him (I am not saying it was because of him, just that it occured). During this time I was a very strong LDS person. I studied, I prayed, I went to the temple. I knew what was taught, there were no surprises. However, I did find myself becoming more and more distant to the church. I always assumed it was my fault, and that I wasn't trying hard enough.

So, 5 years in we have another major stumbling block. We nearly broke up at that point, but he chose to stay together. Was there infidelty? No. The biggest issues have been communication. There are friendships he has disapproved of that I sometimes kept secret (sometimes he had good reason, other times I believe he was mistaken). I'm sorry if any feel I am sharing too much. I promise I am trying to keep it short and factual as best I can. I have struggled with depression which leads me to two things: I find emotional happiness through food, which causes me being overweight which makes things worse, and I spend money when it isn't there to always spend. And I have continually struggled to be able to talk to him, as I have felt time and time again that everything I have said gets shot down (many of my friends and my family claim he is controlling). I guess we can say that there is fault on both sides. I am not denying my part in the slightest. But I do think my faults have fed his, and so on and so forth.

Anyway, so then I had my daughter after 6 years. In the LDS culture, at least the way I perceived it, the greatest fullfillment of my life was to be motherhood. I thought things would fall into place for the most part with me, in terms of struggling to feel like i knew who I was. I have never felt like I have found my true identity. And perhaps in the begining the LDS faith fulfilled this for me, but then it never felt satisfied so I kept looking.

Jump forward to 2 1/2 years ago. An old Catholic friend shows up in my life (I knew him in HS) and I immediately went to him for spiritual direction. I knew he was strong in faith, and I was feeling, well, like I was flatlined. I truly believed I would find my way back into strong faith in the LDS church. Well, honestly he said very little in either way. He knew a fair amount of the LDS church having studied it, and really he said he could only give a Catholic's perspective. Shortly therein I started asking him questions. I wanted to know what he believed, because I didn't really know anything about Catholocism. What then happened was a crazy fast jump into my journey into the Catholic faith.

I had only begun looking into the Catholic faith for a couple months, when I finally tried to talk to my husband about it (Yeah, I didn't go to him right away, because in my mind I felt the only thing he would do was dismiss me). When I knew I wanted to know more and didn't want to keep it a secret anymore, I went to him. It got ugly. My husband and this friend (who is married, and has kids, btw) got into it, and yet again I was basically given the ultimatum of never talking with this friend if I wanted to keep my marriage. To my husband, it was this friend's influence that had me pulling away from the LDS church. Even though I knew that it was from my constant prayer and study which was opening my eyes for the first time in a very long time.

So, at that point for another year and a half I postponed my pursuing the Catholic faith. I did not return to the LDS church, for at that point I think I knew I was done. I went into a numb state of little to no spirituality. I had a few moments here and there of study, though. My husband continued to take my daughter every week to the Mormon church.

Last fall one day after dropping my daughter off at preschool I felt myself feeling pulled to drive straight to my local parish. I went in and sat down with the Deacon (who I knew ran the RCIA program) who told me the program was starting the very next day. I then began attending RCIA (for a month before my husband knew). Then I continued even though my continued attendance was causing my husband grief. I guess I just truly had hope he would accept it and allow me to find it out for myself.

This last Easter I was in fact baptised, received into the Catholic church. My husband did attend, though I can't really know why as he was miserable the whole time, tells me he felt nothing, nor saw anything he deemed as good in it. From that day on, I have felt like a part of him had either died, or was just completely numb. I gave him the space he needed. I didn't prod, I did not talk about it with my daughter (she still doesn't know or understand anything). I figured he just needed time to pull himself together.

(cont...)


#2

Well, 2 weeks ago I went out with some friends. I have a relatively new friend (yes, a male one) that I have seen socially in a group maybe 3 times now. To me not an issue. My husband knew. When he asked me who was going that night, while I didn't know the extent to who was going, I knew who was invited. I just didn't share it. When he discovered it wasn't just girls there (and there was a big group of us) he called me and told me to come home (or else don't bother to). When I went home, I was there all of maybe 30 minutes, and he essentially said he doesn't think he can ever trust me again, and that i need to find a job. I said "What does that mean? Does that mean you are done?" and He said simply "yes".

Since this point it has been strange and surreal, yet not feeling much different in a way. In our discussions, he believes we will stay friends, he wants to be my (close) friend, we are still a family, of course he wants me to join him at family things, and hopes I would invite him to mine. He isn't kicking me out, but wants me to get a job, get on my feet, and THEN we will discuss things. Meanwhile we are still married, nothing feels any different. He is more affectionate than ever, is kind. In a lot of ways it is as though when he finally said "I'm done" that he was able to accept it. And quite honestly, if you want to know how I feel about it, half of me is also ready to just go with it. In some ways I am relieved too! Because it has been what feels like a fight for years. It feels like a chance to finally find myself, because I never found her in my youth. But the other part of me is screaming silently "Why can't we stay together if you are being such a great guy now??" It's very confusing.

It seems like he knew months ago, on Easter in fact. I sensed he was gone. I just thought he would come back. One example of what i think was his preparation was he went out and bought a brand new fully loaded pickup truck (he already has a motorcycle he makes payments on) without telling me. Called me to say he was coming home with it. I didn't even know he went out. We have never had shared finances. The list goes on. I could give all kinds of other evidence as to the lack of unity in my marriage. And I am not trying to make him out to be the bad guy. As I said, of course i have my faults.

REALLY sorry how long I went on, I hope a few of you dig in and finish reading! I have talked to a priest, who pretty much talked to me about keeping everything civil, which makes the division of assets smooth, plus it keeps our family relationship good as we do have a daughter to take care of. I have only spoken with ONE friend who thinks I should be fighting this more than I am, and it would be my male Catholic friend (and his wife). However, fighting it, contesting it when he is doing right by trying to help me now before I am really on my own without his aid, would only make it challenging for me. And I am really afraid he would try and keep my daughter from me. I will fight that. Thankfully she is the one person I would fight for in this. As I said, it's complicated in that I have never seen such a civil path towards divorce in my whole life. I don't know that it will stay that way, I really don't.

I guess if there are people out there that have been through this, on some level, that have any insight, words of encouragement, I would love to hear them. I am sure I have left a few things out, but I know I have talked long enough. Please pray for me, for my husband, and for my daughter. Thanks for listening, and God Bless!

Oh, I did want to state that there are 2 main reasons for him being done. Obviously trust, in terms of him worrying what I am doing, or saying to my friends, and in money, and then the second reason being religion.


#3

My prayers are with you. I don't know if your marriage is salvageable, but if he went and bought a new pickup truck without your input, it sounds like he's moved on already. I would get the following in this order: a) female friends, b) an attorney, and c) a job. Despite how civil this looks on the surface, these things have a way of getting ugly really fast (instantaneously sometimes,) and you need to protect your interests, as well as those of your child. And I would minimize the contact with male friends as much as you can right now, to avoid giving even the slightest impression of impropriety. That includes your friend who is functioning as your spiritual director. I'd find a Catholic religious Sister to take over this role.


#4

Yes, stay away from male friendships right now. You can't afford to get a call from his lawyer stating infidelity or inappropriate behaviour.

Your husband is moving on. You have become a stranger to him. You no longer share the same spiritual beliefs and he can no longer see you as a partner in life.

The only way you could salvage your marriage is to return to the LDS faith and live your life as you were before. If this is not an option for you, then you could perhaps practice both faiths. Practice the Catholic faith with passion and go to the LDS just to go through the rituals and God will understand that you are doing it for your family.

You could tell your husband that you want to go to the Catholic parish and the LDS parish and you could be flexible and continue to life as a LDS.

This would be a last ditch attempt to save your marriage and keep your dd in a secure environment.


#5

[quote="Serap, post:4, topic:252766"]
Yes, stay away from male friendships right now. You can't afford to get a call from his lawyer stating infidelity or inappropriate behaviour.

Your husband is moving on. You have become a stranger to him. You no longer share the same spiritual beliefs and he can no longer see you as a partner in life.

The only way you could salvage your marriage is to return to the LDS faith and live your life as you were before. If this is not an option for you, then you could perhaps practice both faiths. Practice the Catholic faith with passion and go to the LDS just to go through the rituals and God will understand that you are doing it for your family.

You could tell your husband that you want to go to the Catholic parish and the LDS parish and you could be flexible and continue to life as a LDS.

This would be a last ditch attempt to save your marriage and keep your dd in a secure environment.

[/quote]

I am sorry, but this is very poor advice.

OP, you need to see a priest and get yourself and your husband in to see a good, Christian counselor- both individually and together. You should take any means necessary to protect yourself and your daughter, physically and financially.

It sounds there are a lot of issues in your marriage that you will need professional help to work through.


#6

[quote="kristacecilia, post:5, topic:252766"]
I am sorry, but this is very poor advice.

OP, you need to see a priest and get yourself and your husband in to see a good, Christian counselor- both individually and together. You should take any means necessary to protect yourself and your daughter, physically and financially.

It sounds there are a lot of issues in your marriage that you will need professional help to work through.

[/quote]

I stand by my advice and you are free to disagree. It is not "poor advice"; it's just one person's take on the issue.

I am not suggesting that your advice is "poor advice" if it differs from mine :shrug:


#7

Serap,

I am sorry, but suggesting that a woman go against the dictates of her Church and her conscience and stay in a controlling marriage and a cult that masquerades as a church is poor advice.

The OP needs professional help. Her husband sounds controlling and perhaps emotionally abusive. It doesn't sound like he has any respect for her personhood. To suggest that she should deny the Holy Trinity (because the LDS church does) and throw herself into a cultish religion in a last ditch effort to save an unhealthy marriage is POOR advice.

I mean this in all due respect, but it is.

OP- get a lawyer, protect yourself and your daughter financially and physically. See a priest to learn what the Church teaches on your situation and have some spiritual support in place. See a good Christian (better, Catholic) therapist. The sort of advice you are looking for is, unfortunately, beyond the scope of the people here. But we will support you, answer any questions we can, and pray for you. God be with you!


#8

again…your opinion and your opinion could be better and more valid than mine. it’s up to the lady to assess.


#9

What Krista said. Get a lawyer, Catholic therapist, and support in place to protect yourself and your child. Esp important is most board such as this one are not the best place to seek such advice, but we will certainly pray for you!


#10

OP, you are getting some good practical advice from kristacecilia. Your situation is pretty complex, and I am glad that you are listening to that part of you that is letting you know that your faith comes first in all of this. Getting together with a good priest or deacon as well as getting some individual counseling will help you keep things in perspective. Seeing a lawyer will be important before you do anything like go and get a job. Your husband is trying to have his cake and eat it to, which probably means his intention is to leave you with less than nothing.

Start keeping a journal now.

Praying for you, because I know the road that your husband seems to be putting you on. Just don’t forget that you can choose the path you want to take.


#11

I would only add that LDS are not Christians, to attempt to worship with them for a Catholic would be an act of heresy and or idolatry!

We are talking about serious spiritual matters.


#12

[quote="kristacecilia, post:5, topic:252766"]
I am sorry, but this is very poor advice.

OP, you need to see a priest and get yourself and your husband in to see a good, Christian counselor- both individually and together. You should take any means necessary to protect yourself and your daughter, physically and financially.

It sounds there are a lot of issues in your marriage that you will need professional help to work through.

[/quote]

I fully agree with this poster. My prayers are with you.


#13

[quote="Serap, post:6, topic:252766"]
I stand by my advice and you are free to disagree. It is not "poor advice"; it's just one person's take on the issue.

I am not suggesting that your advice is "poor advice" if it differs from mine :shrug:

[/quote]

True, but this is a Catholic forum, and our advice should be in keeping with the teachings of the Church, on in opposition to it.

Both the Church , and the LDS teach what Jesus himself taught, "What God had put together, let No man put asunder"


#14

Prayers offered.


#15

I have to agree with the previous posters that returning to the LDS church would be a major spiritual mistake. It us an entirely false religion, is not Christian, and indeed many think it's a cult. To return would put your soul in danger as they could easily pull you in.

Perhaps you can talk to your priest. He may be able to give you spiritual direction as well as helping you with the marriage issues. It does indeed sound like the marriage might be over, but also because of the LDS involvement perhaps an annulment could be possible? Especially considering the early issues in the marriage?? I'm
No expert on annulments though.


#16

She is probably a candidate for Pauline privelege. Her priest can tell her more.


#17

[quote="anruari, post:13, topic:252766"]
True, but this is a Catholic forum, and our advice should be in keeping with the teachings of the Church, on in opposition to it.

Both the Church , and the LDS teach what Jesus himself taught, "What God had put together, let No man put asunder"

[/quote]

Let me clarify..I didn't say return to the LDS church. I just said, to try and keep her family in tact by attending LDS stuff while being truly Catholic.

Oooo boy...here we go again on CAF :banghead:


#18

Last time I checked, Mormons were good people too :shrug:


#19

No one said they weren’t good people, however their beliefs and our beliefs are worlds apart. The OP is now Catholic. She can attend LDS services, but she needs to be honest with her dh, that she is Catholic and must attend Mass. No pretending anything. Again, the OP needs a lawyer, counseling, and support–and prayers. Not someone telling her to pretend to be LDS and really be Catholic. That’s dishonest and from the first posts, it sounds like honesty is already an issue with her relationships.


#20

Serap,

I have known many, many LDS and they are all very nice people.

It doesn't change the fact that the OP is in an unhealthy marriage and needs professional help, not to start attending LDS events in an attempt to make her husband feel they are united in marriage and everything is a-okay. I realize that is not exactly what you were saying, but I feel strongly that her attending LDS events is spiritually dangerous and not addressing the actual problems in her marriage.

On the Pauline privilege:

The Church has the power to bind and loose. In fact, in theory, two LDS people who are married, one wants to be baptized and become a Christian, that valid marriage could be dissolved by the Church. "A Pauline Privilege is done when two un-baptized persons married and one spouse departed the relationship and the other wishes to become baptized and then marry in the church. The privilege is granted when it can be proven that both parties were not baptized at the time of their marriage. This is done by two witnesses from each side of the marriage testifying to non-baptism, along with the petitioner and respondent. After it is proven the person wishing to be baptized, receives baptism and then at the time of a new marital consent the Pauline Privilege is invoked. "


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