I understand that as a homosexual I must live a chaste life and I fully accept this. Being only 17 this, so far, has not posed much of a problem as I find building any type of relationship that involves a certain amount of trust very difficult. To allow someone close to me in a relationship sense would be very difficult for me though if they were the right person I could, no doubt, learn to trust. Though I feel no loss at not having a relationship I find it hard to repress my thoughts and urges. Perhaps it is because I am a teenager full of raging emotions, but my brain betrays even my most steadfast revolutions.
I won't lie; I am a very flirtatious person. This is something I have only just realised after years of my friends calling me a flirt. I used to say I was being friendly and people misconstrue it as innuendo, and to some degree I still believe this as I flirt with both genders and people who I am not attracted to. However it is not my open flirtations but the filth that my mind creates in even the mildest situations that is the problem. My thoughts are in a constant state of homosexual tension, I would not go as far to say I lust after every member of the same sex, of course not. But in most I will find something pleasing, and even if I do not find anything at all pleasing I still catch myself looking! At night it is a constant battle to keep my hands away from mortal sin (since discovering that masturbation is a mortal sin, that was not a pleasant revelation) and even when my conscious thoughts or actions are under control my sub-conscious still manages to taunt me by conjuring vivid dreams that leave me sweaty and gasping.
How can I possibly control my urges when they are deep rooted into my very being, disrupting even my subconscious?
When I first started to come to terms with my sexuality I was sick and distraught with myself. I prayed and begged for god to make me 'normal'. However since then I have come to terms with it and fully accepted who I am or, perhaps the phrase is, what I am. However as my body has become more aware of itself it is become increasingly hard to keep such thoughts at bay. Forget staring at people I don't fancy! the people who I do find pleasing to the eye practically get drooled on and become the object of my dreams AND waking hours. I still have no urge for a relationship but the urge to touch someone and in turn be touched is insane! And the worst part is, it is wrong to even look!
I’m sorry I got a little ranty towards the end. I would like to hear some opinions on how I can control my thoughts.