My new girlfriend


#1

I am 27. I recently started going out with 'Sara.' We dated for a few weeks and since we both aren't looking elsewhere I thought it would be a good idea to ask her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. Sara is a very nice Catholic girl. She goes to Mass regularly and is not a cafeteria Catholic. However, she is very, very gorgeous. And she does have a lot of non-Catholic guy friends and admittedly, she says they mostly all have crushes on her. In addition, she works with her ex-boyfriend and still talks to him. How do I address this with her without sounding controlling? Of course I don't want to tell her to stop talking to anyone, but if she is committed to me, I don't see why she would maintain a relationship with an ex. In a moment of weakness, she slept with the ex. And from what it seems like, the ex really only had sex on his mind. Any good suggestions? Run for it? She does seem like she'd be a good influence in terms of my faith and that honestly is my #1 priority.


#2

It’s good that your highest priority is your faith. Try and make sure that every decision you make is made with this in mind.

You said that she slept with her ex in a moment of weakness, and that she has told you that many of her male friends are attracted to her. This is a red flag to me. By this I mean that “Sara” is probably going to have difficulties with temptations of pride and lust. This will be her cross to bear, but it might make it harder for you personally and you as a couple.

I heard once about how a good looking girl has a burden to bear because she is constantly flattered and praised for her beauty, it is harder for her to be humble. I thought it was funny when I first heard it, but now I see that it can be very true.

I can’t think of any advice to give you because I don’t know enough of your situation, but always make your decisions based on what’s best for your eternal salvation, and hers.


#3

Thank you :) I should note that when I said she slept with her ex in a time of weakness, it was when they were still going out! She didn't cheat on me already!! I do not think she has an issue with lust. For her, she slept with the individual because the individual was forcing himself on her and she was in a very weak moment in her life. It was a dark period in her life. We have spoken and we are both 100% committed to waiting until marriage.


#4

First of al, your girlfriend probably needs her job, and since she needs to behave appropriately at work, there is not much you can do about her talking to her ex at work. However, I would bring up that you are not comfortable with this ASAP. Mainly because once if it gets really serious, you don’t want to tell her only for her to say ‘Well, you knew about this all along’

Try and see if you can come to some agreement as to how much time she spends with him when you are not around eg, only see him in group activities, don’t slow dance with him . If she can not consider your feelings, run for your life

As for all her non-catholic guy friends that have crushes on her. Give me a break. I can’t believe when she told you this you didn’t roll on the floor laughing ‘How in love with your self are you ?’

On the one hand, if you are head over heals in love with her, of course YOU are going to think all men would love to have her. But for her to actually tell you about it shows a LOT of insecurity. Is she trying to make you jealous??? Like the other poster said, she could be tempted with pride for always getting that attention. But it sounds like it has gone to her head and she may even need it to feel good about herself. If she keeps telling you about everyone who has a crush on her. Leave her

CM


#5

CMSCMS- Very good points. I really don't like when she tells me about these other guys. I know a lot of guys would love to have her. But she is implying that these guys really just want to sleep with her. When she tells me about them (and it's not like she does this all the time) I really just want to say "So and so wants to just use you. You shouldn't be happy about that at all." She doesn't really brag about it but the fact that she tells me does worry me. For me personally, if I had friends that were girls and they loved me, I wouldn't keep them in my life because they wouldn't be good influences. I know a lot of you guys are going to tell me to run, but she does have strong faith and there are a lot of positives I see with 'Sara' as well.


#6

If she works with him then some amount of communication between them is bound to happen. What is their relationship like *outside *of work?

....or everything cmscms said.

I am also finding it strange that she actually came out and said some variant of "all these guys have a crush on me". BUT I'm not *completely *seeing the connection between attracting other men and giving in to a moment of weakness with her ex.

Being pretty and having admirers doesn't mean that she'll be prone to sleeping around. If her ex is the only one she's been with, I'm sensing someone who needs an already strong bond in order for those defenses to break down. If that is so, she's more likely to give in with you someday (if the relationship progresses and if you yourself give in) than she would with any of her admirers.


#7

I don't really believe there to be an issue if she's talking to her ex. Not many people can be friends with people they once dated, but it seems far better a trait than to hate them. And if she works with him, she may not have a choice. As for a moment of weakness- that's all it was. A moment of weakness that we all as humans are tempted with. Being a good Catholic she's likely been to Confession and it's no longer a stain on her soul.

As for her friends, they may well have crushes on her. If she's attractive, then a lot of men will notice her. Men notice women, that's what they do. She picked you though, and it seems like she was just being honest about her friends so that you'd know all the details. Or perhaps it was just said in passing, as a jest.


#8

Is she still friends with the ex-boyfriend or does she only talk to him because she has to (since they work together)? From what you’ve said of the guy he does not sound like a decent person and I would find it very strange if she’s still friendly with him.

Anyway, don’t assume anything and try to be very calm about it, but you should definitely mention it to her if it bothers you. Before marriage I had many guy friends (Catholic and non-Catholic) and as I got closer to my now-husband I just naturally started seeing them less and only spending time alone with him. He never mentioned it bothering him but if he had I would have taken it to heart and not been angry at him for bringing it up.

But you all are so early in your relationship that you should be careful about not trying to control her social life and definitely not implying any mistrust. Go ahead and talk to her about it but don’t make it into a huge deal. Then just see how things go. Her reaction will tell you a lot.


#9

She used to work in the same department as this man. But not anymore. But they communicate through instant messenger at work.


#10

[quote="ACanthony, post:1, topic:247700"]
I am 27. I recently started going out with 'Sara.' We dated for a few weeks and since we both aren't looking elsewhere I thought it would be a good idea to ask her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. Sara is a very nice Catholic girl. She goes to Mass regularly and is not a cafeteria Catholic. However, she is very, very gorgeous. And she does have a lot of non-Catholic guy friends and admittedly, she says they mostly all have crushes on her. In addition, she works with her ex-boyfriend and still talks to him. How do I address this with her without sounding controlling? Of course I don't want to tell her to stop talking to anyone, but if she is committed to me, I don't see why she would maintain a relationship with an ex. In a moment of weakness, she slept with the ex. And from what it seems like, the ex really only had sex on his mind. Any good suggestions? Run for it? She does seem like she'd be a good influence in terms of my faith and that honestly is my #1 priority.

[/quote]

I wouldn't rush into anything with this girl, but if you think she may be the ONE you will have to learn to trust her. Working in the same place with the ex isn't really a relationship. If he did pressure her into sleeping with him, I doubt if she is very comfortable having him anywhere around. Stick to your faith and give this relationship a chance, you never know how things will work out!


#11

I don't think there is a reason for them to be communicating by instant messenger. I think if she is going to be your gf then that means that she is discerning marriage (maybe in the long run obviously) with you - not instant messaging an ex. Sorry red flags all over the place here and I think that it is time to have a sit down. The important thing is that you make statements like "I think" and "I feel" not "you always" in order to get anywhere. If behavior does not change than your discernment is probably done and she is probably not marriage material.


#12

[quote="ACanthony, post:9, topic:247700"]
She used to work in the same department as this man. But not anymore. But they communicate through instant messenger at work.

[/quote]

That's a red flag to me. I don't mean that should break up with her and run for your life. But you definitely need to talk to her about this and see what happens. It's possible that she's so used to having friendships with men that she doesn't even realize she's putting herself in a potentially bad situation with this guy. Hopefully you can shine some light on that for her in a kind and gentle way. At the very least she should be understanding of why it bothers you.


#13

[quote="ACanthony, post:1, topic:247700"]
And she does have a lot of non-Catholic guy friends and admittedly, she says they mostly all have crushes on her. In addition, she works with her ex-boyfriend and still talks to him. How do I address this with her without sounding controlling? Of course I don't want to tell her to stop talking to anyone, but if she is committed to me, I don't see why she would maintain a relationship with an ex.

[/quote]

There is no way to not come off as controlling to expect your girlfriend to do what you want, which is to end friendships.

Furthermore, she told you her male friends have crushes on her. This may or may not be true; she may have told you this to get you jealous. Regardless of her reasons, it's immature for a grown woman to tell her beau such a thing. It's very indecreet. Same thing with the admission that she's had sex with her former boyfriend. You've dated her for - what? - a month? Six weeks? Those kinds of 'tell all' conversations happen further along in mature relationships.

There are any number of reasons why an adult would like to keep a relationship with a former beau. Not everyone burns bridges with people they date once the romantic chemistry is gone; some are actually able to maintain friendships with exes. True, it's difficult to to be friends with every ex, but it's not unusual be friends with at least one or two.

A good friend of mine, to take one example, is a man I dated for two years back in the early 80's; we exchange emails, catch up on the phone once or twice a year, and he's been a tremendous source of strength during some difficulties over the years. If my husband had told me when we were dating that I had to end my relationship with him, he wouldn't be my husband today.

Bluntly, I detect jealousy and insecurity threaded throughout your situation with your girlfriend. You're jealous of her friends, she encourages this jealousy by telling you they're attracted to her, and she's emotioally baiting you with her sexual past. None of these things are auspicious hallmarks of a strong, long-lasting relationship.


#14

I am sure she has a lot of strong points but this is about you not being short-changed. if she can see her behavour as an insecurity to be fixed. Yes she is a good person. If she sees continues her behaviour without consideration to your feelings. RUN

You are sounding liek the woman who says 'well, my husband only looks at porn, he doesn’t actually go to the strippers. Yes it bugs me but since it is only once in a while I will put up with it.

I also find it odd that you post it upsets you but then turn around and defend her as if she did nothing wrong. With all due respect, I think you need more of a back bone

CM


#15

It seems that you are worried about things that might happen, not things that are happening.

So she's on good terms with an ex. So what? It's often a good sign of maturity. The fact that she works with him makes it even more reasonable. It doesn't mean she's going to cheat on you with him.

So she has male friends. So what? She has chosen to be with you. If your relationship develops well, there will be a natural transition to her spending more and more time with you and less with them. Men and women in the 20s will have many friends of the oposite sex up until they settle down with their spouse. I don't think at this stage that you want to push this issue too much; it's presumptuous at best, and could be interpreted as controlling.

Raising a topic like this needs to be done very tactfully. It has great danger of implying mistrust, and exposing a sense of jealousy and insecurity, which she may find off-putting. It may come across as an effort to control, which may become a red flag for her. At this early stage of your relationship, it may be prudent to wait and see. As your relationship grows, it will become more appropriate to talk about these sorts of issues, as you both discuss the basis of your relationship and what expectations you may have.


#16

[quote="karow, post:13, topic:247700"]
There is no way to not come off as controlling to expect your girlfriend to do what you want, which is to end friendships.

Bluntly, I detect jealousy and insecurity threaded throughout your situation with your girlfriend. You're jealous of her friends, she encourages this jealousy by telling you they're attracted to her, and she's emotioally baiting you with her sexual past. None of these things are auspicious hallmarks of a strong, long-lasting relationship.

[/quote]

I wouldn't say I'm jealous. I am just looking out for my own interests. I simply asked if I should be worried that she maintains a relationship with her ex. The other guys that have crushes on her, I will have to trust her. I'm not going to try and limit who she hangs out with. That would be controlling. But her talking to someone that doesn't have her best interests in mind is not comfortable for me (I don't know how anyone could argue it would be okay to talk to this guy...just because someone had an experience where you still talk to an ex doesn't mean it's right in this situation...the guy forced himself onto her and made her have sex with him...he doesn't go to church at all either).

Hmmm, I agree with the point about not having a backbone. It's just a fine line, you know. I don't want to sound controlling yet at the same time I need to make it known that in order for her to make a commitment to me I think it's best that she does not talk to an ex who clearly does not have the right intention in mind. He honestly sounds like a very selfish man.


#17

I thank everyone for your responses. It kind of seems like I got mixed advice which I guess tells me how tricky relationships can be sometimes. I guess instead of talking about it here I probably should have asked God! And just prayed about it. I did that afterwards because I guess honestly the mixed advice made me kind of frustrated and the prayer really helped. I realize I am worrying too much and not trusting…There may or may not be red flags but who knows what life will bring? My world may end tomorrow for all I know. Life is a gift. There certainly are red flags here and I will address those issues in a nice way. Communication is important with any relationship, new or old. Thanks again.


#18

[quote="ACanthony, post:17, topic:247700"]
I thank everyone for your responses. It kind of seems like I got mixed advice which I guess tells me how tricky relationships can be sometimes. I guess instead of talking about it here I probably should have asked God! And just prayed about it. I did that afterwards because I guess honestly the mixed advice made me kind of frustrated and the prayer really helped. I realize I am worrying too much and not trusting......There may or may not be red flags but who knows what life will bring? My world may end tomorrow for all I know. Life is a gift. There certainly are red flags here and I will address those issues in a nice way. Communication is important with any relationship, new or old. Thanks again.

[/quote]

ACanthony,

I think that many of the posters here are reading too far into your description of your relationship. You both frankly sound like a fairly typical young couple.

Nothing you mentioned sounded like a red flag to me, and you shouldn't become paranoid over the possibility that your new girlfriend might maybe possibly perhpaps have baggage... Guess what? Everyone comes with baggage.

So she's not a virgin, but you say she is commited to chaste living now. Doesn't seem to be a problem to me.

You say that many of her guy friends are attracted to her. I would think that you of all people could understand why they would be attracted to her.

In summary: Please recognize that some of the advice you have received is overly cautious. In order for any relationship (whether with a significant other or with our Lord) to grow, one must place their trust in the other party and communicate honestly with that person. We make ourselves vulnerable to receive the great gift of love.

I wish you and your girlfriend a happy and healthy relationship! :thumbsup:


#19

But her talking to someone that doesn't have her best interests in mind is not comfortable for me (I don't know how anyone could argue it would be okay to talk to this guy...just because someone had an experience where you still talk to an ex doesn't mean it's right in this situation...the guy forced himself onto her and made her have sex with him...he doesn't go to church at all either).

Many people date and break up because it won't lead to marriage for one reason or another. There is no social or moral requirement to after this never speak to them again.

As for the second part- you mentioned in the first post that while there was pressure it was her moment of weakness, presumably consensual. What you typed now makes it seem more like rape. If it was rape, there are a whole other set of issues going on that are far more important then if he goes to Church.

[quote="ACanthony, post:17, topic:247700"]
I thank everyone for your responses. It kind of seems like I got mixed advice which I guess tells me how tricky relationships can be sometimes. I guess instead of talking about it here I probably should have asked God! And just prayed about it.

[/quote]

You could have also talked to her about this, and still can.


#20

[quote="karow, post:13, topic:247700"]
Furthermore, she told you her male friends have crushes on her. This may or may not be true; she may have told you this to get you jealous. Regardless of her reasons, it's immature for a grown woman to tell her beau such a thing. It's very indecreet. Same thing with the admission that she's had sex with her former boyfriend. You've dated her for - what? - a month? Six weeks? Those kinds of 'tell all' conversations happen further along in mature relationships.

[/quote]

I totally agree with this. I think it's weird that she told you her friends have crushes on her. It's one thing to be confident, but that's just a little conceited.

Personally, I always preferred men who were good looking but didn't know it. Humility is important. If you do stay with her, this (her beauty and awareness of the attention she gets because of it) is something you are going to have to just learn to live with.

I also think it was a little premature of her to tell you she had sex with her ex boyfriend. I think you should tell her that it makes you uncomfortable that she still communicates with him when it's not essential to her job, and just see how she responds. If she acknowledges your discomfort but reassures you, that's one thing, but if she acts like you're crazy for worrying about it, I think that's a red flag.


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