My own NPD situation


#1

Hello, just looking for some responses. My husband has NPD (or so I believe - at least he has every single one of the symptoms listed in the below thread). Let me start off by saying that I am not Catholic - he is. I have been through RCIA and he holds it over my head that he won’t mary me in the church unless this or that happens, and thus, I haven’t been able to join the church. H has just been fired/quit from his third job in a year and now is on the kick of wanting a business - and he wants it where it’s warmer and far from where we are now. he wants to drag me into a business too b/c it’s the only way he can “use” me to his bennefit - his own words. I mean, I am a “stupid dumb white ****” who doesn’t have a 100,000 paying salary or rich dad to give him money for his business after all.

I am sick of his MAJOR screw ups, but him getting mad that a towel wasn’t washed which leads to screaming match for 3 hours and him kicking me out - then pulling me back in. After the last argument ( we were leaving town for a day), I said I want out and am leaving with our son - his reaction says it all - “I’m not done with you yet”

Actually, It think pretty much 80% of his family has NPD. They are all pretty bad.

Here’s the thing though - with a three year old in the middle, I have no choice but to stay. He has told me what he will do because he thinks he’s the better parent (even though he’s barely put him to bed or changed him more than 10 times in his 3 year old life), and it will come true - he has said he will first of all take all “HIS” money and hide it, or send it to his family to hide it and he will borrow all he can, and take my son away - and this he hasn’t said… but I know it’s a fact - if he even gets so much as a weekend alone with my son, he’ll flee the country - and this he has said… he knows how to talk immigration officials into letting him into another country (won’t go into which country).

I can’t let my child be alone with him - every time they walk out of the house, I am scared. What can I do? Nothing. I even find myself thinking about how I ‘used’ to be like and I think about guys I knew in the past who I would have been much better off with - that might sound dumb, but it’s what I think about - how much better it would be with so and so and I ruined my life with this loser.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have read on these posts of women losing weight, but I just gain it and gain it and gain it - of course that just makes me worse in his eyes. After all, of course he deserves a rich doctor to take care of him his whole life with a rich family - and oh yeah, she better be a model. That’s what he deserves after all. I am white trash worth nothing and deserves no one.


#2

Sweetie, I still hear xh’s voice telling me horrible things. Ignore it. He’s projecting onto you. Everything he says about you he really thinks about himself.

Once you realize that, you will listen to everything he says differently. When he accuses you of stealing money, he’s probably putting it in an account without your name on it.

Call Safeplace or a domestic violence hotline and talk to someone who can advise you about your rights and his ability or not to take a child out of the country. If this is a real worry and not just something he’s trying to bluff you with, your option is to try to find a way to stay with him until your son is older, or to get the courts to forbid him to travel and you retain control of your son’s passport.

Anyone who’s been married to an NPD recalls those moments when they started to view earlier romantic possibilities they discarded for valid reasons as preferable to what they have now.

You ask yourself “Why did I fall for NPD, when I saw through those other people and didn’t want to take on their problems and flaws?”

If you can find an answer to that, I’d like to know it.


#3

Thank you for responding. I do have my son’s passport in a safe place - I wouldn’t even think of handing it off to him unless I was directly ordered too by a judge. I also have 2 letters signed by him (not notorized though) saying he basically doesn’t care about or want our son if we get divorced ( lately when he’s threatening divorce though he always throws it out now that he does, but I kept hold on those signed letters). They may not be a legal document in court, but they do mean something. I also have some pictures of physical damage he’s inflicted on me.

But, I have come to maybe the same conclusion (or possible conclusions) - wait until my son is a little older and is able to say to the court that basically my mother does everything for me and about his dad’s attitude. I mean, I don’t want to put my son through my husband’s problem, but right now I can’t say I can get out and get full custody of him because of how manipulating my husband can be. If my H has rights while my son is so little, it can turn into a dangerous situation. I mean, he has a plan of how to get him out of the country even without a passport - don’t know if he would be successfull, but it says to me that he could try should the situation arise.

Thanks for writing and for letting me know my thoughts and feelings aren’t irrational.


#4

My ex used to threaten that he would divorce me and get a really good attorney and pay me no child support. I finally ended up leaving him and he found out that there is no way around paying support. He has also threatened to leave the country to avoid paying, but hasn’t followed through. My attorney assured me that even if he moved to Europe, other countries will still enforce child support orders. So much of the threats they make are not based upon reality that it is ridiculous how much they can scare us with them.

I seriously recommend that you contact a domestic violence center and put together a plan for leaving safely. Do it for your son, and don’t wait for him to get older and think that is how a husband is to treat a wife, or let him see that the way that his dad treats you somehow means you are not someone worthy of respect, because that is what eventually happens if that is what he grows up knowing.

Prayers for you and your son.


#5

I have no idea what NPD is but if it is a mental illness or disability I would leave it to a professional for diagnosis and recommended treatment.

OP needs to talk to her priest about remedies for her own marriage situation and what needs to be done before she can be received into the Church. If her husband is Catholic, and refused to convalidate, there are remedies, but she must speak to the priest.

If any woman has reason to believe she or her children are threatened with abuse, she needs to get the help necessary to leave him, and she needs to do it now. If she refuses to do so, she becomes an accessory (IMO) to the abuse inflicted upon the children.


#6

I second the others’ suggestions, also wanted to point out that basically what you wrote as quoted above has happened/is happening in my case too. Lots and lots of money “somewhere out there” where he knows and I don’t have any access to, while the kids and I have no $ and are being supported by my family. Editing to add: all of my children would require daycare as they are very young, so my going back to work isn’t feasible right now. Anyhow guess what, legally this is starting to turn into yet another case of letting him hang himself (figuratively). But even these victories are short-lived, because the cycle repeats wearing another costume and the kids will suffer.

Also wanted to say prayers for you sweetie and that little boy of yours.


#7

Oh do I hear familiar thing here!

MY ex used to be a Hell’s Angel back in the 60’s and 70’s, and some of his former buddies are now cops in that county. They used to drive by the house and shine their lights into the living room to say ‘hi’. So ex used to threaten that if I left he’d call in favors from these guys to track me down and take my daughter away and s uch. When I did leave, he did call them, but once I spoke to them on the phone and told them I was heading for a shelter, they couldn’t do a thing.

He too couldn’t hold a job…assaulted my son…threatened my life…

It’s amazing these guys think they are so powerful and that we are at their mercy. I went to the Domestic Violence Coalition in my area. They helped me develop an exit strategy and we got out. His lawyer ended up firing him because he had told her so many lies about the situation. He tried to have me arrested during our mediation sessions - for something HE did. The judge had to repeatedly tell him that paying child support was not an option - he would go to jail if he didn’t pay. Well, he tried to not pay, and got summoned into court, so he paid…

There is a lot more but the point is, you can’t live with the fear. I had hoped that our leaving would force him to take stock of his life and get some serious psychological help. That didn’t happen (because of course, he doesn’t think he’s in need of it). But that was his choice.

I gained weight too, from the stress.

That was in 2006. Life is so different now! Not care-free of course, and at times being a single is very challenging financially but still it’s a lot better than before…

I hope you will at least talk to the domestic violence people in your area. They can help you assess the situation. And pray! God is the best comforter…


#8

**First off, you have my prayers. I am so sorry about your entire situation and especially about how helpless you feel about your son. My heart breaks for you:(.

As to you wanting to wait until your son is older so he can let the courts etc know that you are the parent who does everything and dad has a bad attitude… I hope some of the women who have experience with this sort of thing chime in. Just from reading the other threads it seems more likely that the older your son gets the more he will side with dad because he is “nicer” (no rules) and also because he will be trying his hardest to win the love from his dad that he so craves (but will never get from an NPD).

Please please please get in contact with professionals!!! You need to know exactly what you can and cannot do to get yourself and your son away from this man. They will be able to help you get somewhere safe and legally protect your son from being kidnapped (which is what you ex threatens). Is there any way for you to safely record any of his threats? Do you have family near you who can support you?**


#9

thedaughtersofcharity.org/ministries/_marian.htm#history

Hope till O.P is able to make other arrangements as needed, the above too would be a source of hope and strenght .

One good /conveniant feature is , it does not have to be worn by the one it is primarily meant to help but can be left in the room / car etc: and the prayers offered -Immaculate Heart of Mary , pray for us now and at the hour of our death ’ .

The scapular, as simple as it seems , needs and provides that bit of extra trust in God’s mysterious and often simple ways -almost like what the leper Naman experienced !

Interestingly ,seems Mariam in O.T suffered leprosy when she had an ‘attack’ of some narcissim traits and was cured by prayers of Moses !

As a nonCatholic , this could help to get to know the role of Mother Mary ( and hope you noticed the two Ms in their that come before the N :slight_smile: ) .

If narcissism /self centerdness is the weakness of our fallen fearful nature to be ’ perfect’ in ourselves and controlling / ’ godlike’ , by giving us the help of our bl.Mother, a creature who is sinless and perfect becuase of our Lord, may be was meant also to help us to see our need for her prayers as a good antidote for the basic pathology of narcissism !

The scapular is made of wool that represents The Lamb of God …and color green - I am guessing , could stand for the comforting Presence of The Holy Spirit who hovered over the waters to bring in the green of creation !

Could get even a few extras to give awy or put in palces to help to pray for others ; in our culture that is rampant in effects of the N pathology , many could use it !

There are some dissident sites that also promote the scapular ; the ones from the above site come blessed by the Vincentians .

Peace !


#10

As to those esp. noncatholics who who might be wondering about the presence of this pathology among Catholics too , may be words of St.Paul about those who recieve the Eucharist unworthily , may be appicable !

’ Many are sick and some are dying ’ by recieving our Eucharistic Lord unworthily … the wide prevalence of such practices as contraceptive use … holding onto anger / hatred … refusing to see same in oneself and thus not able to repent and go for confession , which is equated as powerful as exorcism - to drive out the devil that has been given the foothold by holding onto anger …and in all this , giving more room to role of creatures than being able to focus on our Lord and His Cross …His love for us even in our brokenness …and His way of Peace , in being with The Holy Spirit , in the midst of sufferings … us not spending enough time in The Word …( even all those long list of names in The Book - one has to wonder if they are there also as an aid for narcissism :slight_smile: !)

May our Lord In His Mercy, sprinkle us and protect us with His life giving , cleansing Holy and Precious Blood !


#11

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