My parent's oppose my wedding/respect for parents


#1

Okay, so I know this question has been asked before but somehow I think it will make me feel better to ask it again. Please bear with me as I explain.

I am 24 yrs old .I spent several years descerning religous life. I was in several communities where I learned alot about myself and some of my faults and strengths. After 6 yrs of descernment it was obvious that I was not emotionally or even physically capable of living the life. Partly because I entered at 18 and came from family where I was over sheltered and where my parents were constantly fighting and threatening divorce. Quite simply, I was not called and the grace was not there. So in much confusion I left.

In past two years since I left I met a wonderful man who has become my best friend in all the world. We had a long distance relationship for a year and half and now are live near each other. We got engaged last August and are planning to get married in June,2010. By the time we get married we will have known each other for over 2 years. He has made me realize that I am beautiful and lovable person in the eyes of God and others. It was an up and down road for us but now we seem to see the road really opening up and God just seems to be opening all the doors for our marriage like we never dreamed! I am certain and at peace about my vocation in life and that has been an amazing grace!

Anyway, the problem is my parents. My parents have opposed every decision I have made since I left the convent. They say it is out of concern for me because I was in and out of 3 orders and had gone through times of much uncertainty. I on the other hand, had gotten advice from priests and counselors to disregard my parents concerns and move out and get a life of my own. I am an adult and I need to live my life, make mistakes, have my own triumphs,ect. Anyway, so I have been living on my own for the last 2 yrs and have grown leaps and bounds from it!

Now I am ready to get married and my parents are pitching a fit. I wanted to be all traditional and have my fiance ask my dad's blessing for our marriage.He called my dad and my dad told him he had to talk to me. My dad then called me and asked me if I wanted to marry FI. Well, after a very short conversation my dad just said he did not know my fiance well enough to give a blessing. My fiance had visited with my family about 4 times before that including the entire day of Easter and more. While he was there they barely talked to him! It made me so angry that I did not want to bring him around that much. As I said it was a long distance and hard for us to find time and money to visit them.

So my dad not giving a blessing sort of threw us of course because my older sister's husband did not know my parents well, as they had a long distance relationship as well, and my dad readily gave consent. Anyway, so my fiance decided to propose to me anyway on the feast of the Assumption. I said yes but we agreed to wait a few months before making it public in order to give my parents a little more time. In that time my fiance made a point to visit again. NEVER ONCE since the day my dad called me did they ever bring up our engagement or even ASK about my fiance again...

Well after a novena to St.Joseph and him working some major miracles I was able to move closer to my fiance last month.This meant living 7 hours from my parents. I told my sister I was moving and I think she told my parents before i could. When I tried to call my parents so that I could tell them about our engagement and my future move, they would not answer the phone. I was unable to go see them do to car trouble. So I sent them an email as last resort.

So here is the short of it. I moved,my parents got angry and say that I am disrespecting them and dont love them. They say that are concerned about me since I have issues in the convent in the past. They want us to wait a few more years to get married and spend more time with them. They do not want me to live far away from them and ignored me when I tried to call or email for the last month. They pretty much told me that I either had to choose them and doing what they want, or my fiance and doing what we believe is God's will. They make a point to tell me over and over how God is displeased with me and how God would never lead me to do what I am doing. That it could not be God's will for me to get married with my parents opposing it. If I choose against them then I am choosing to shut them out of my life and they will have no more part of me or my fiance.

I am torn up inside. No matter what I say there is no pleasing them. I find being tempted to just throw in the towel...I mean its easier then fighting but there is no way I could just give up my fiance and our upcoming marriage plans. I have been seeing a Catholic counselor to sort of help me get and stay on the right track. He says that my parents are playing a game with me cause they want to control me. They are unwilling to let go and I am unhealthy in the way that I allow it to affect me. He told me cut it off. So I sent them an email telling them I would only talk to them on the phone or in person and that I am not playing this game anymore. I am not choosing between my family and my fiance because I choose both. It is THEM who are choosing to be a part of my life, my fiance's life, and our children.

So needless to say I got a response. the first response after a month of being ignored. Apparently I got to them. They say my email was disrespectful and childish and they will pray that God will give me deep sorrow for all I have done to them. I have given no response.

So here is the question..what are your thoughts on the situation? I hate going through this and I need some support.


#2

Just an extra thought. My parents and I have not been close for many years. We have lived in the same house and yet I feel they really dont know me. They never really try. In the last two years whenever I would visit they would say a few simple superficial things but most of the time act like they are more interested in yelling about what is wrong with the Church, the world, and everyone else. They never think about whats wrong with our family and how to change it. They are very depressed and very critical of everyone. I am sorry but it is hard to take advice on how to be happy when the people giving it are always miserable. They are SUPER religious and super strict. They always assume I am off doing something bad and telling everyone they know how bad they are..its crazy.I know they love me and they believe they are doing everything right..but its misguided love...no?


#3

*There's nothing in your story to indicate that your fiance is a bad fit for you. He sounds wonderful, and I'm so happy for you both, that you found true love! And that he's Catholic and that you share the beautiful faith. I think your parents are just being protective, but you're not a baby...you're 24. They can give their blessing or not, that's how I look at it....it should not stop you from marrying a good man, whom you love. I would have a heart to heart with them, express that you love them, but that this is your decision, and you'd love it if they were on board, but you intend to go through with it, if they are not.

You can't allow your parents to dictate your life. They play a huge role in your life, but again...if you were marrying a ''bad guy,'' I'd say...listen to them. They are just looking out for you, I understand, but you should just explain your feelings, and stance on the whole thing. Hopefully, they will come around sooner than later. :o

God bless you and your fiance and may you have a wonderful life together! :love:*


#4

My advice is for the two of you to kill them with kindness.

Write them both a loving letter every week. Tell them what's new in your life--let them know moments when you missed them specifically (I always miss my mom when I'm baking, and I know she loves to hear that I can't bake without thinking of her.) Try your best to include them in wedding plans (even if they refuse, consistently ask for their opinions.) Express how much you love them and miss them. Find positive memories from your childhood, perhaps ones where you witnessed your parents acting lovingly toward each other, and tell them how their guidance and example shaped you and prepared you for love. Perhaps once a month, include a brief note from your fiance--he can talk about his job, his family, his pending excitement about marrying you, thank them for bringing such a beautiful person into the world, and express his hope that he will get to know them better in the future.

They will probably not respond right away. You will probably feel stupid and rejected for awhile. But you'll be slowly driving a wedge into their stubbornness. Even if it has no effect at all, the two of you can rest easy knowing that you did your best to keep them in your lives. :)

Edited to add: send them handwritten letters, rather than emails. When they read an email, it's just too easy to hit "REPLY" and start spitting rage onto the screen. With a letter, they will probably read it when more relaxed and, even if it angers them, it will take more time to walk over to the computer, log into email, and start typing.


#5

They do not want me to live far away from them and ignored me when I tried to call or email for the last month. They pretty much told me that I either had to choose them and doing what they want, or my fiance and doing what we believe is God's will. They make a point to tell me** over and over how God is displeased with me and how God would never lead me to do what I am doing**.

Wow!!!!

Does the Pope know that your parents are in direct communication with God?

Do what you feel you need to do, but I seriously doubt that anything you choose will meet your parents approval. Since it is obvious you can't please them, go ahead and please yourself. In fact you are doing exactly what you parents chose to do, get married and have a family.


#6

*Augusta's response is great! Mine might have appeared a bit cold. I had a similiar situation to yours, rose. My dh is almost 11 yrs older than me...and my family didn't accept him, largely due to that. (they thought he was too old for me, bla bla) My sister and brother in law raised me since I was 10 (my parents died when I was young) and so she acted like a mother figure to me. My then-fiance-now-husband was very nice to my sister and BIL...and she was just bent on not 'giving her blessing' to him and me.

We decided to elope. Years later we had our marriage validated in the Catholic Church. But, the moral of the story is this...I allowed my sister/family to rob me of a wedding. Not that a wedding is the end all, be all. But, still. I allowed that to happen, because I was afraid with all the tension that they were creating, that they were not going to show to the wedding, or in some way, make the day nothing but about them. My advice to you is to follow Augusta's advice...but at the end of the day--this is your life. You sound like you have a great man to share it with...don't let ANYONE, EVEN YOUR PARENTS ruin the moment, or prevent you from marrying someone you believe God blessed you to have as a spouse.

I'm a little jaded when I hear stories like this, sorry. :p*


#7

Your 24, get married and live your life. If you parents see that you are happy they will come around. Life is too short for all this nonsense. The job of a parent is to raise a child into a responsible adult. You are an adult now -its time for you to live your own life even if your parents are not ready or willing to let you. They will get over themselves eventually.


#8

Your parents sound like they have problems letting you go.

It sounds like you have a wonderful fiance. But I do have a concern about your getting married. It isn't about your fiance, though; it's about you and your relationship with your parents. I think you need to make peace with your relationship with your parents before you are ready to marry. That doesn't mean that you fix it; it might not be fixable any time in the next few years for all I know. You just need to make sure you can live with the relationship and not make your husband miserable if your relationship with your parents will not be good.

Do not make your *husband *responsible for your troubled relationship with your parents and don't expect him to have to help repair it. He can help to make a good impression when he is still your fiance but one married the parental relationship needs to be on a back burner on low setting.


#9

To the OP:

OMG, your story is JUST LIKE MINE almost to a tee!!!! My mom is very displeased at my DH and has made my life absolutely hellish since I moved away!

What your parents are doing is just like what my mom is doing, and yes, they are trying to be controlling and manipulative by sending you on a guilt trip! I hate to say this, but after my mother not talking to me and me making MANY trips to come up and see her, calling her, trying to keep in touch with her for the past 2 1/2 years, she STILL WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE how much I still love her and is trying to put me on a guilt trip still.

Yesterday, my dad called me. He was talking to me on the phone and when my mom went by I heard him ask her if she wanted to talk to me. Now, remind you, the last time we talked was months ago when I called her. She has NEVER called me even ONCE and now that I'm pregnant with their first grandchild, you think she would have some interest in me. She curtly told my father "no" like she was annoyed he even asked that question! You can't imagine my hurt that my own mother doesn't even want to talk to her daughter that is carrying her first grandchild!

The point I'm trying to make is that a relationship is a 2 way street. If your parents want no part in you because of your future husband there is very little you can do outside of pray. You can call them and visit them constantly like I did but to be honest it has to be their change of heart that will mend things.

You have done nothing wrong, remember that, and don't let your parents make you feel guilty! They are trying to control you in doing what they want, which is obviously join a convent. The bible tells us we are to leave our parents and cling to our spouse which is our new family which is what you must do. When it comes down to it, your husband ranks above your parents, period. I know that's hard because we all love our parents and want our family as much as our spouse, but your responsibility will be to him first and your parents second.

You have done nothing to disrespect your parents and as long as you continue to love and respect them even if they refuse to talk to you, you are at no fault. I love and respect my mother though she has done nothing but shown hatred towards my husband and lack of caring towards me. I have stopped trying to call and visit as much to be honest, it is just emotionally draining to try to make someone who is angry at you not be angry. This is why I say it is a 2 way street and you will only be able to do so much on your end.

I will pray for you, you are in for a long, heavy cross if your situation continues like mine is. It is 2 1/2 years later and she still has never called me or visited me not even once. All of our contact has been initiated by me and I'm getting tired of it. I pray for her but I know my family is very stubborn and it will probably be many more years before she starts to turn around. :shrug: She was the one that told me she knew God's Will for me and I was committing mortal sin by moving away from the family because I was "abandoning them" when in reality she has abandoned me by acting like I don't even exist anymore. So heartbreaking, esp. since my mother and I used to be very tight, we were best friends. It is like being stabbed in the heart, but what can you do? Pray, pray and pray and don't let them make you feel guilty! You have done nothing wrong!


#10

*ARGH! :mad: That makes me so sad for you and your husband, gamrchic! :( Gosh, I didn't realize that others went through what I did. My sister and I are now, VERY close...but like you gam...it took MANY years of me being the one to initiate. I would look up at the ceiling (to God) and say out loud...''can't You do something about this woman already?'' LOL :p And He did. In God's time, people will come around...I think you just keep being loving and kind, and eventually if your mom never gets it, then you know you did all you could. As Augusta was advising. But, I remember a few years of my sister giving my husband the cold shoulder...even at our engagement party, that SHE threw. :rolleyes:

rose, you have done nothing wrong. Sometimes, parents live their lives through their kids, and it seems to border that here a little. I hope things work out. But, don't let your parents rob you of the joy you have with your soon to be husband!!! Your parents will always be your parents, and we are to honor them...but honoring one's parents doesn't cross over into allowing them to control your life. Just remember that. :hug1:*


#11

[quote="SMHW, post:8, topic:178239"]
Your parents sound like they have problems letting you go.

Do not make your *husband *responsible for your troubled relationship with your parents and don't expect him to have to help repair it. He can help to make a good impression when he is still your fiance but one married the parental relationship needs to be on a back burner on low setting.

[/quote]

Actually I have kept him out of it as much as I could cause I do not want him to have to suffer through it. Neither one of us deserve this..but him especially. My parents and I will always have a rough relationship. My entire family has a tough relationship. Its just how it has always been. There is little any of us can do if everyone is unwilling to try.

As far as treating them with overwhelming kindness...we have been. I sent them flowers in Thanksgiving and called twice..they never responded. I am sending my mom a birthday card today as well as some sort of gift. But when i do that they say that I am crazy and living in another world and ignoring the problem. Everything ends up getting twisted back...somehow..


#12

[quote="roseinthewinter, post:11, topic:178239"]
Actually I have kept him out of it as much as I could cause I do not want him to have to suffer through it. Neither one of us deserve this..but him especially. My parents and I will always have a rough relationship. My entire family has a tough relationship. Its just how it has always been. There is little any of us can do if everyone is unwilling to try.

As far as treating them with overwhelming kindness...we have been. I sent them flowers in Thanksgiving and called twice..they never responded. I am sending my mom a birthday card today as well as some sort of gift. But when i do that they say that I am crazy and living in another world and ignoring the problem. Everything ends up getting twisted back...somehow..

[/quote]

*
What exactly is this ''problem'' that your parents see that they think you are ignoring?? :confused:*


#13

More mother in laws should be like mine, my husband's mom. She had nine kids...some have left the Church, she still treats them with love and kindness, unconditionally. Some have been through numerous divorces, still shows them unconditional love. And in return? ALL of her kids shower her with love, affection, attention...not because they have to, but because love begets more love. It comes back to her, naturally. I have learned much from her example, and other parents would be wise to show their kids unconditional love... :heart:


#14

[quote="gam3rchic, post:9, topic:178239"]
"abandoning them" when in reality she has abandoned me by acting like I don't even exist anymore. So heartbreaking, esp. since my mother and I used to be very tight, we were best friends. It is like being stabbed in the heart, but what can you do? Pray, pray and pray and don't let them make you feel guilty! You have done nothing wrong!

[/quote]

You have no idea how many times i have been told that i am "abandoning" my family and setting bad example for my young siblings!! Wow it is sooo nice to hear someone else had gone through that!!!


#15

[quote="whatevergirl, post:12, topic:178239"]
*
What exactly is this ''problem'' that your parents see that they think you are ignoring?? :confused:*

[/quote]

The fact that I disrespected them by not listening to their advice and setting bad example to my siblings by doing so..because they only have my welfare in mind.....


#16

[quote="roseinthewinter, post:15, topic:178239"]
The fact that I disrespected them by not listening to their advice and setting bad example to my siblings by doing so..because they only have my welfare in mind.....

[/quote]

*So, it's more that they feel disrespected than anything. There is really nothing you can do about THEIR feelings. They choose to have those feelings...the guilt they place on you, etc. Getting married to a Catholic man is somehow setting a bad example to your siblings? Ok. I wish I could tell you that it will be easy forging ahead...but SOMEDAY, it will be worth following your own dreams, etc. Heed the advice of the wise priests who told you to live your own life. Your parents can choose to accept your decisions or not. It doesn't require you changing the course of your life, to show love to your parents. I expect to see wedding pics on here after your wedding next year. :) *


#17

[quote="whatevergirl, post:10, topic:178239"]
*ARGH! :mad: That makes me so sad for you and your husband, gamrchic! :( Gosh, I didn't realize that others went through what I did. My sister and I are now, VERY close...but like you gam...it took MANY years of me being the one to initiate. I would look up at the ceiling (to God) and say out loud...''can't You do something about this woman already?'' LOL :p And He did. In God's time, people will come around...I think you just keep being loving and kind, and eventually if your mom never gets it, then you know you did all you could. As Augusta was advising. But, I remember a few years of my sister giving my husband the cold shoulder...even at our engagement party, that SHE threw. :rolleyes:

rose, you have done nothing wrong. Sometimes, parents live their lives through their kids, and it seems to border that here a little. I hope things work out. But, don't let your parents rob you of the joy you have with your soon to be husband!!! Your parents will always be your parents, and we are to honor them...but honoring one's parents doesn't cross over into allowing them to control your life. Just remember that. :hug1:*

[/quote]

it is kinda nice hearing people that have similar problems, makes me feel like I'm not alone. Especially after yesterday when my mom didn't want to talk to me, made me very sad and made me wonder why am I doing all the calling, visiting, reaching out, etc, if she wants no part of me? Some people are telling me when I have the baby it will bring her back, but I'm not holding my breath. :(

[quote="roseinthewinter, post:14, topic:178239"]
You have no idea how many times i have been told that i am "abandoning" my family and setting bad example for my young siblings!! Wow it is sooo nice to hear someone else had gone through that!!!

[/quote]

[quote="roseinthewinter, post:15, topic:178239"]
The fact that I disrespected them by not listening to their advice and setting bad example to my siblings by doing so..because they only have my welfare in mind.....

[/quote]

yes, this also shows the controlling/manipulation by telling you what you need to do and that you are "disrespecting" them by not making the decisions THEY wanted for you! They are trying to guilt you into doing what they believe is right. They are the ones that need to realize it is your life and they have no control over it anymore.

I'm just gonna warn you, be prepared for many more causes of hurt. You will send them things, try to talk to them, etc, and they will ignore them all for a while. It is gonna hurt and be very painful emotionally. :( But continue to do your best and do what you feel is right and in the end God will know you did what you could.


#18

I remember when my father told me I had to be a nun, I didn't want to be one and since they wouldn't listen to reason I did what most rebellious unhappy with parent's decisions on future did, rebell! Took off got married to my hs sweetheart had a bunch of kids got divorced!!! LOL

I didn't grow up happy with the male power over women in my parent's marriage, esp since he used to abuse her...I felt I could never let a man do that to me and wouldn't accept it...Barely now accepting the whole male role playing in family life and it's not easy! :( Still work in progress...

When they first found out about my fiance, everyone rejected him and mistreated him, until he paid off my car and bought a house oh now my whole family loves him! But when he was unemployed, broke, and hopeless needing love and friendship everyone turned their back on him and wouldn't even direct him at all....It hurt him because he loved my family, now he's just like "they're your family I respect them and that's it!" Which I understand...I stood by him through this all, without being his wife, we got into this commitment even though everyone against us made me doubt myself so many times...

We're expecting a baby out of marriage with a lot of problems my problems..health wise...It's a huge challenge and I pray that my fiance doesn't get tired of me, he has been very patient and lovable, GOD willing he doesn't give up on me...I am trying to control myself but let me tell you I can't even stand myself! :(

Against everyone's wishes I stuck by him and loved him, he loved me, we love each other, and hope to marry soon! We are GOD willing having a baby adding another member to our family, and GOD willing all will be well with both of us.

I wouldn't be here with a wonderful man if I would have listened to my family! your honey doesn't sound like he did anything wrong nor is a bad person...Marry him! Love him! Take care of him, respect him and shower your family with love...My fiance tells my mother and father he loves them even if deep down he feels resentful. He's a good man and your man sounds like it too!

We don't get these blessings every day, learn to accept what GOD has infront of you! Love GOD above all else and get married! :D Invite your family, let them know you respect them and love them and only wish they would celebrate a great blessing that GOD has sent you both! Marriage! Holy Matrimony under GOD! Hopefully they will be there! GOD BLESS!


#19

Thanks all. This has been a real encouragement. My parents say they know that I am an adult and I have my own life and have to make my own choices.... I actually know that my mom has gone to a 12 step program in the past for families of alcoholics and one of her biggest problems is letting go of her kids lives. I overheard a conversation where she admitted to my aunt that she just wants to make all our choices for us and would if she could . Now she knows that and admits that and says that this is my life and they have no control..and yet I think they feel that I am going to cave and come running back to them if they keep reacting this way. I think she knows she has no control and this is my life..but she has not let go of WANTING it. They guise all their objections by telling me to see how many bad decisions i have made in the past ( going in and out of the convent) and that I do not know what is best for me and they do cause they have a special graces as my parents....They do not see how much I have grown from all the experiences and choices I have made. To me they are not failures. They are like..chapters in a book...or sentences in a story..and I regret NONE of them...

Sorry I know I hashing it all over and over...the counselor says I need to limit how much time I think about this...so I will stop hashing it here cause I think my time is up! God Bless you all and thanks a million for your support! I will keep you posted!


#20

rose...you are wiser beyond your years. You sound like such a sweet soul. :o I LOVE how you word your ''experiences...'' not as failures (if you had some) but ''chapters in a book.'' I LOVE THAT! God bless you and may you have a very special wedding and marriage...and may your relationship with your mother and father mend itself. :heart:


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