My single 28yr.old daughter is on birth control


#1

My single 28 yr. old daughter is on birth control (nuvaring). She is staying with us for a few weeks. She has a steady boyfriend. I just found the prescription papers in the trash. How do I broach this subject with her? Where do I start? She wasn't raised to think this is right.
I'm already praying about it, but I want to say just the right thing. Advice appreciated.


#2

I don't know that there is anything one could say that would be appropriate.


#3

I'm a 33 y/o male who's currently in the dating world. I'm not having sex with the women I date, but I know I'm in the minority.

The vast majority of men my age (even 'Catholic' men) make women feel like they have to have sex while dating. It's really sad, but it's a fact. Many of the women I've dated have even told me they've never met a man in his thirties who actually practiced chastity.

So your daughter is probably under a tremendous amount of pressure to have sex. You have your work cut out for you, trying to convince her to embrace chastity. Like many women her age, she just may not believe that chastity is possible in this day and age. I'll pray for you both.


#4

[quote="wannaknow1, post:1, topic:218446"]
My single 28 yr. old daughter is on birth control (nuvaring). She is staying with us for a few weeks. She has a steady boyfriend. I just found the prescription papers in the trash. How do I broach this subject with her? Where do I start? She wasn't raised to think this is right.
I'm already praying about it, but I want to say just the right thing. Advice appreciated.

[/quote]

I think that you say that the Church teaches that birth control is a grave sin, that you consequently feel the same way, and that your daughter certainly knows that. She has free will, and if she has made the decision to start taking birth control to avoid pregnancy (which is probably the case, but maybe not) you would prefer it if she didn't rub it in your face whilst living in your house. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Now taking the pill isn't the sin, of course. It's the fornication that usually goes with it and the act of controlling pregnancy through use of hormones. But she's too old to lecture on that subject; though she'll always be your child, she's certainly not a child anymore.

But I'd use this as a chance to open up a discussion about where she is - in general - in her religious life. (I certainly wouldn't harp on the B/C aspect.)You might find an opportunity to address some much larger issues with which your daughter is struggling.

Pax,
OA


#5

**I think at her age there isn't anything you can say to her. She knows what's going on and she has to make her own decisions..I know you don't like thrown in your face...but you could do much more harm by confronting her...

stormy**


#6

[quote="stormy99, post:5, topic:218446"]
**I think at her age there isn't anything you can say to her. She knows what's going on and she has to make her own decisions..I know you don't like thrown in your face...but you could do much more harm by confronting her...

stormy**

[/quote]

I would disagree with you there. If the daughter thinks sex is completely no big deal, then yes, she's probably beyond discussing the issue. But if she's at the place where she liked the idea of chastity, but just felt it was just unrealistic, then there's hope. She just needs to be convinced that there are good men out there who won't pressure her into sex.


#7

It's difficult to say something when your daughter is now independent. In her mind, she probably thinks that she can make her own decisions and doesn't need approval. Unfortunately, this can lead to very bad decisions, especially ones that go against the Church. Like others have said, perhaps she is feeling pressured by her boyfriend or society to have sex. It would be a good idea to find a nice quiet time where you both can have a private chat and approach the subject, casually at first, and then become more serious so she doesn't think you are being the bad guy. I've had to do this with my mom on occasion because she is, unfortunately, a cafeteria Catholic and doesn't know the rules or refuses to believe that she must abide by them.

I've had to discuss birth control with her because she thinks it's ok. She even told me that it is between the husband and wife what they want to do and no one should say differently. My first reaction was to get angry and yell "IT IS NOT OK!" But I took a deep breath and calmly explained that the Catholic Church views birth control as an intrinsic evil. It is fine if you are taking it for therapeutic reasons such as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or acne and you are not sexually active, but if you are active, you are setting yourself up for sin. It is an occasion of sin--which we are taught to avoid.

My advice is to be calm and rational and find some good research sources and have a private discussion. If she still doesn't believe you, you might recommend that she talk to a priest. If she still doesn't listen, then it won't be on you. Continue to pray that she changes her mind, but you can't force her to do the right thing. Best of luck!


#8

Don’t say anything. She is 28 - she knows.

Begin an evening rosary with her, your husband and her boyfriend if he visits. Give her to the Queen Mother. Just make the intention the sanctity and salvation of your families souls. She knows what that means as well, and the Virgin Mary will give her pause to reconsider.


#9

[quote="stormy99, post:5, topic:218446"]
**I think at her age there isn't anything you can say to her. She knows what's going on and she has to make her own decisions..I know you don't like thrown in your face...but you could do much more harm by confronting her...

stormy**

[/quote]

I have to disagree with this also. It is our Catholic duty to inform our brothers and sisters of their mistakes in a Christian way--no fighting, no bad mouthing--just calmly and rationally. The Bible explains that just turning your cheek to bad behavior makes you just as responsible for the sin as the one who commits it. This may be a bad analogy, but think of it as someone who knows about their friend or family member who is planning to murder someone but figures that since that person is grown up, there is nothing they can say about it. That is a crime because you are an accessory to the act. You have a duty as a baptized member of Christ's Church to stand up for what you believe in.

If your brother sins, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.--Matthew 18:15-18


#10

She is an adult now. She knows what your views are, quite likely, as well as those of the Church, particularly if you brought her up as an active participant in your parish. Let her live her own life.


#11

[quote="Orleans_Attny, post:4, topic:218446"]
I think that you say that the Church teaches that birth control is a grave sin, that you consequently feel the same way, and that your daughter certainly knows that. She has free will, and if she has made the decision to start taking birth control to avoid pregnancy (which is probably the case, but maybe not) you would prefer it if she didn't rub it in your face whilst living in your house. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Now taking the pill isn't the sin, of course. It's the fornication that usually goes with it and the act of controlling pregnancy through use of hormones. But she's too old to lecture on that subject; though she'll always be your child, she's certainly not a child anymore.

But I'd use this as a chance to open up a discussion about where she is - in general - in her religious life. (I certainly wouldn't harp on the B/C aspect.)You might find an opportunity to address some much larger issues with which your daughter is struggling.

Pax,
OA

[/quote]

I do not see how this could possibly be construed as "rubbing it in their face". The OP didn't say that the daughter's boyfriend was staying with them - only that their daughter was staying with them - and the OP found her prescription while going through the trash.


#12

I'm a bit shocked at the replies saying simply to leave it alone. The OP never gave us any indication whether her daughter would be closed to discussing the issue, so why presume it outright?

I know many Catholic women around the age of the OP's daughter, who, although sexually active, are not opposed to chastity outright. Unless the OP says otherwise, I'm not writing her daughter off. She may well view chastity as a noble goal, but find it too difficult or believe that it is unattainable.


#13

[quote="Havard, post:12, topic:218446"]
I'm a bit shocked at the replies saying simply to leave it alone. The OP never gave us any indication whether her daughter would be closed to discussing the issue, so why presume it outright?

I know many Catholic women around the age of the OP's daughter, who, although sexually active, are not opposed to chastity outright. Unless the OP says otherwise, I'm not writing her daughter off. She may well view chastity as a noble goal, but find it too difficult or believe that it is unattainable.

[/quote]

The OP is asking if she should broach the subject with her daughter. If she thought her daughter was open to discussing it, she would have already, without asking for any advice here.

Her daughter is an adult now, and needs to have her private life respected. Mother-daughter relationships can be quite complicated, especially if mothers give advice when none is asked for. She may feel her mother is treating her like a child who needs to be told what to do.


#14

[quote="Ailina, post:13, topic:218446"]
The OP is asking if she should broach the subject with her daughter. If she thought her daughter was open to discussing it, she would have already, without asking for any advice here.

Her daughter is an adult now, and needs to have her private life respected. Mother-daughter relationships can be quite complicated, especially if mothers give advice when none is asked for. She may feel her mother is treating her like a child who needs to be told what to do.

[/quote]

Perhaps you should reread the OP's post. She didn't ask if she should broach it, she asked how she should broach it. She quite clearly states that she's looking to "say the right thing." And you are instead advising her not to say anything, in spite of what she's asking.


#15

[quote="Havard, post:6, topic:218446"]
I would disagree with you there. If the daughter thinks sex is completely no big deal, then yes, she's probably beyond discussing the issue. But if she's at the place where she liked the idea of chastity, but just felt it was just unrealistic, then there's hope. She just needs to be convinced that there are good men out there who won't pressure her into sex.

[/quote]

While that is a possibility, most people who have had sex (more than just one random encounter) tend to like it...

However she may be on ABC because she is having problems with her period. Maybe they aren't regular or she has extremely heavy bleeding and the Dr told her this would fix it and sex has nothing to do with it.

I believe it's worth broaching the subject, your concerns may not be as bad as you thought. Perhaps it's even best to open the conversation with that topic and see where it goes. "I noticed you were taking ABC, have you been having problems with your cycle recently?" Then you can see where she is willing to take the discussion.

Just a thought...

Joe


#16

[quote="jwashu, post:15, topic:218446"]
While that is a possibility, most people who have had sex (more than just one random encounter) tend to like it...

[/quote]

Oh I'm aware. I've been practicing chastity for years, but I didn't always. I know firsthand that it's possible to come back.


#17

[quote="wannaknow1, post:1, topic:218446"]
My single 28 yr. old daughter is on birth control (nuvaring). She is staying with us for a few weeks. She has a steady boyfriend. I just found the prescription papers in the trash. How do I broach this subject with her? Where do I start? She wasn't raised to think this is right.
I'm already praying about it, but I want to say just the right thing. Advice appreciated.

[/quote]

I would gather material that reflects the Church's specific teaching regarding premarital sex and regarding artificial contraception first. Then I would sit her down and in a non-judgemental and non-confrontational way, and show her the material, and then I'd pray for her. Rather than assume she knows and understand the rules of the Church, I would assume she does not, and just educate her. Beyond that, she has to make her own decision, but you have made her aware of the teachings of the Church.

You are the only person here who is familiar with your daughter. Only you know how to influence her in a positive way. And you know what kind of influences affect her in a negative way as well. If my mom would try to come down on me with an iron fist, and try to force my hand, or try to impose rules, I'd just pull and tug the other way -- especially as an adult. And I'd do what I want anyway. But if she sat me down, showed me the material, and left it up to me, I'd think about it. You can't force her to comply with the teachings of the Church, but you can make her aware of them, and make her think about her actions and inactions, and with a positive and loving attitude, you can make her want to comply with the teachings. If you give her a choice, she is more likely to choose correctly. If you try and take away her choice (which you can't do anyway), you may risk that there won't be any thinking about it at all.

At least that's how I'd approach it....but everyone is different :)


#18

I think you should speak to her but in a loving way. I used to be on ABC and sexually active until someone I loved spoke to me about how special sex is and the harms of ABC. It took a long time to get me used to the idea and now I can't imagine it any other way! I feel deep down inside everybody knows that sex is special and should only be in a marriage but it's hard for a girl to see this when society teaches her very different information from such a young age.

Maybe you can give her articles to read. There are a lot of good ones on catholiceducation.org/.


#19

[quote="Christopher68, post:11, topic:218446"]
I do not see how this could possibly be construed as "rubbing it in their face". The OP didn't say that the daughter's boyfriend was staying with them - only that their daughter was staying with them - and the OP found her prescription while going through the trash.

[/quote]

That's your opinion. But I think that throwing out an empty bottle of wine in a house that forbids alcohol, tossing a Penthouse Magazine in your Grandmother's trash, or tossing a condom box or a b/c perscription into the bathroom trash in a devout Catholic's house is . . . at best coarse and thoughtless.

Pax,
OA


#20

[quote="Havard, post:6, topic:218446"]
I would disagree with you there. If the daughter thinks sex is completely no big deal, then yes, she's probably beyond discussing the issue. .

[/quote]

I disagree. I can speak from experience that while a girl may say sex is no big deal, she knows it is. She may act aloof about it but that's not truly how she feels. Girls are so ingrained with the idea that sex isn't a big deal so they try and ignore that feeling that they are doing something wrong or that feeling of regret. If you love your daughter, talk to her and show her how special being a woman is and how she should be valued. Don't let her give herself away because with each man she sleeps with, she dies a little more inside and gets a little more cynical (think sex and the city).


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.