My sister lost her virginity, what should I do?

My older sister came up to me a few days ago and I could tell she had been feeling upset. She told me if she tells me something I cannot tell our parents because things could get worse, so I said ok. She told me she had sex with her boyfriend a day ago. I was really shocked and confused. I knew what she had done was terrible, but I really don’t want her to feel worthless and like trash. I made sure she got to confession and did not have communion before she went to confession. I even gave her one of my “Theology of Her Body” book, which she was grateful for after reading it. My sister is 16 and I am 15, but telling my parents is not an option. My biggest concern right now is if she truly regrets it. She says she does and that she will never do it again, but I am not sure. I have tried to talk her into breaking up with the guy, but she won’t. She says that now I should be hoping that they get married. He is not a bad guy, but he just does not realize that this sort of stuff is grave. I tried to tell her that I would like them to get married if their relationship leads them to be better people, but they should still take a break. But I also said that if she thinks that if there is any way that they will just be leading each other to more sin than they NEED to break up. Did I say the right thing? I am afraid of saying too much and act like her mom and give her too many pep talks that mean nothing to her. I also do not feel like I can say all of this to her since I have not been the best catholic at times. She says that now she is not sure if she should have told me since I am just going to judge her. I know secretly she is scared. She is actually a really good caring person. I am trying to be loving, but I think I need help.

If there is any advice I could get that does not involve my parents, that would be greatly appreciated

She needs to go to Confession.

After that, if she is not ready to have a baby, time to stop doing what makes babies.

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Talk to her boyfriend and find out what his mindset is. There are people who genuinely don’t understand the sin of fornication. My cousin got pregnant out of wedlock, and she did eventually marry the father of her daughter, not during the pregnancy, but a few years later.

If her boyfriend is leading her to sin, they should breakup. She’s 16: she’s got plenty of time to find someone more in line with her values.

Tell her that if she can’t talk to your parents she does need to talk to an adult.
If they’re sexually active at 16, yes, they need to take a break. Your sister would be smart to stick with chaperoned situations for awhile, too.

Don’t say things like she is “actually” a good caring person. It is highly unlikely anyone here would doubt that. This has little to do with how good and caring she and her boyfriend are. It has to do with how inexperienced they are. They underestimated a very powerful force that is in their natures. It isn’t a bad force, but it is a bad force to underestimate. They did what they did not intend to do because they don’t know themselves very well yet and they don’t appreciate what is necessary to keep their passions in check.

Do you know how they tell people not to drive even their SUVs through flood water, because a current of just a matter of 18-24 inches can sweep a car or even a truck away? That isn’t because the drivers don’t have enough skill to drive in flood waters. It is physics, and it is a matter of how difficult it can be to judge how deep flood water crossing a road actually is. It is the drivers who imagine they are “good enough” drivers who get themselves into trouble. Good drivers believe that they need to stay out of flood water. They don’t allow themselves to imagine physics works differently for them.

You do not have the experience or appreciation of what she’s going through to be her counselor. It is just beyond you, like giving advice to a pilot. You only know theory, and not a lot of that. That’s nothing against you, but your job is only to steer your sister to confide in an adult she can trust. I would suggest that she go to her confessor and ask him who she can talk to confidentially. She does need that support and guidance. Yes, I would tell her that her alternatives are finding someone with some experience to talk to or telling your parents.

Honestly, a lot of times, just telling the parent you are most comfortable with is the best choice, but she has to choose someone she can talk to without fear or shame. Chances are that your parents would neither shame her nor attack her, but she needs to find someone she feels comfortable with. If you do not know what to do as you go forward, your confessor is also a good resource for you, since you know he will keep this confidence. It is very important that your sister have support from people she trusts completely and that you only share this with someone you know with certainty will keep the confidence.

By the way, this is not what she had intended. Don’t express disappointment. Express sympathy. “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.” We have all done things we regret because we gave temptation too much room. That’s why what is in order is empathy and mercy, not condemnation.

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Well that’s good, because she’s not. Most of us have made poor decisions, and that’s what she did. She made a poor decision.

I would encourage her to talk to your pastor about this.

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Let’s be clear: we don’t know that this error had just one leader, or that it was the boyfriend doing the leading. That doesn’t mean they ought to be spending time in any more passionate embraces. I’m only saying this is no time for fault-finding or auto-scapegoating.

Yes, you’re right, though: this couple should not see each other on a “passionate” basis for a good long time.

I’d say it is time to get a bit farther from this near occasion of sin than that. That’s going to be difficult, but if she’s going to remain chaste from now until she marries (which will be many years from now), she needs to take a BIG step backwards.

The best thing would be for your sister to talk with your parents. If she won’t, her doctor might be a good choice. Sadly, she has exposed herself to the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.

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Okay.
Your sister made a mistake. You convinced her to go to confession. Now she gets to pick herself up and move on.
I’m not making light of this, but the spiritual life is a marathon and not a sprint.
She’s not damaged or less-than. God loves her. She did wrong, but God is a God of second chances.
She needs to figure out how to avoid occasions of sin after this.

Peace :slightly_smiling_face:

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That was one of the things I asked her. I was really upset to find that he had been keeping condoms in his room. So even though those are not good, does it protect her from that stuff? Also They were both at fault, she said she felt like he had been pressuring her for awhile, but she understands that they both gave each other consent, therefore they both are responsible for the sin.

There have been a lot of young women who had sex, got pregnant, and the guy disappeared. Too many women. They are taking on the risk of pregnancy and all that goes with it. A young man, if he loves his girlfriend, would never be so very selfish to put that risk and burden on her. He is demonstrating the opposite of love.

During the teen years is when a young man should learn how to honor and respect young women, treat them with dignity and in a way that honors God. There are no regrets when we do it God’s way. There is plenty of heart ache when we think we know better and go away from His plan for singleness, dating and married life.

Thank you for loving and caring for your sister. Pray for her, as I am sure you will. Some people insist on making a train wreck with their decisions. You can make smart decisions with your life. God bless you.

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Seems highly inappropriate to me for a 15 year old to talk to a boy about his sexual activity with her older sister. No offense, OP, but I don’t think you should be involved in this conversation other than learning from your sister’s mistakes. She needs proper guidance from one or two of a select few adults.

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Show care from this point on? But that’s about it. I mean you might encourage her to talk to your parents? Or at least one of them? Or your priest? But other than that you’ve done a great job here and really shouldn’t feel the need to carry this any further.

It’s just tough sometimes when someone involves you in their mistake, but then leaves you helpless to help. I know the feeling. It’s a tricky spot for sure.

But I’m proud of all you’ve done already. You’ve shown your care and your fidelity. The rest now is up to her and God. Just pray she finds the sense to look for stronger help.

Peace Jackie. I hope she doesn’t let herself get talked into much more.

Very VERY highly recommend you and especially your sister look up Jason Evert and his website chastityproject. Great Catholic based material; it will completely change your life for the better in this area. Women have far more to lose than men in the moral state we find ourselves in today. She is worthy of a love so great that the guy WON’T pressure her at all, but instead respect and even protect her purity. Our society has it so very wrong…!

His talks on his website or YouTube are superb.

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Exaaaaaaaaactly! It’s like any other transgression. Sex doesn’t exist in this separate realm of the Unforgivable. Reconciliation, when done correctly, is supposed to remove the guilt.

Do you have more context? Was he putting excess pressure on her? How much of the initiative was hers vs. his?

Also, does her peer group emphasize sexual activity? In other words, was she facing social pressure to start having sex to fit in with non-virgin friends?

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These are not things for the younger sister to put her nose into. She needs to get her sister to an adult who can discuss these things in a place where the sister can be open and not feel as if she’s adding to “family lore.” The younger sister will increase her sister’s trust in her if she avoids trying to inform herself too much but instead concentrates on getting her sister an ear that is confidential and knowledgeable in the professional sense. Their pastor can probably help her find someone like that.

I am not saying she shouldn’t be willing to listen, but that her sister will trust her the most if she tries to help her with a minimum of prying. That will let her sister know the younger sister is looking at this as if she were in her sister’s shoes.

If the older sister persists in seeing her boyfriend after saying she isn’t going to do that, though, the little sister shouldn’t be afraid to take some consternation from her older sister because the younger holds the older up to her own word. That is what friends do, even when it gets them some guff.

Your sister should go to confession.

She is a minor. If someone is having sexual relations with her you should tell her parents.

Am I the only one who feels like it is entirely inappropriate for us adults on the internet to be advising how one minor should deal with his minor sister’s loss of virginity?

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Nope. You are not the only one. I posted a thread on the site topic about this very thing. CAF is putting itself at risk in this climate if you ask me. I am reporting the thread.

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