My Sister's secret keeper


#1

So my lil sis (who turns 21 in july) confided in me a few days ago that she and her boyfriend are considering becoming engaged. While I am excited at the prospect of a wedding I am very concerned about this move on their part. I am the only person in the family who knows about this...so I can't really ask advice from anyone.

1) BF is not reliable and he is controlling. In there 4 year relationship they've broken up 3 times over very petty things like not getting enough attention. He stays friends with ex gf yet she can't remain friends with ex bf or he gets jealous. Most recent break up 6 mo ago he admitted to sabatoging my sister's relationship by telling the guy she was seeing she was cheating on him when she wasn't! :eek:

2) Can't take rexponsibility for self. He can't hold a job because he can't wake up to an alarm clock. He was also arrested 1 yr ago for failing to pay traffic tickets (leaving my sis stranded in a bad area of town at 2 am) and yet found money to take both of them to a concert the month before in another city.

3) He is bipolar and she has severe aniexty. Neither take meds regularly as instructed.

Maybe I'm overreacting but I don't think "taking the relationship to the next level" as she puts it is a good idea. Lil sis is still at home and makes a little over minimum wage at part time. When I ask her why she wants to get engaged now her only was she was tired of living at home and having curfew so she couldn't stay the night at his house... :shrug:

I want to say all these things to her but I'm afraid it will just push her away from telling her anything. I'm at a loss as to what to do without making her feel as if I'm preaching to her. I am the only catholic in my family of Easter and Christmas christians. Family is uncomfortable with nfp, praying before meals, the pope, etc. and openly mock us for these things. I know bringing christian morals into this could further that divide.

I have no problems with engagement IF both parties accept responsibility. I have this fear they are only doing this as a means to mask other issues or he is doing this to continue his control. I also have concerns that due their inability to take medication they may be feeding each others' insecurities (if that makes sense) and they think taking the next step will solve that.

Do i sit by and watch this happen or speak up at the risk of losing her? I've been praying about both but i haven't found peace with either. :(


#2

No you absolutely need to say something to her in a loving supportive way - once. If after that she decides to go through with it be there for her and be supportive of the marriage in a way that we are called to be supportive to the vocation of marriage. I would strongly suggest since they both are diagnosed with psychiatric issues that they take meds for that they should get into couples counseling before the wedding as a sort of an extended pre-Cana - it may even be something that the deacon or priest can help find someone reliable and Catholic to recommend after all if one or both lack the ability to form proper consent then these are all things that could be cause for a decree later. However, this is something that can work out with work and love as well.


#3

OK,here we have a situation that can leads to two things,a happy marriage or a bad divorce. He is,and now I must lean on your words,not a boyscout,but he can shape up,we all can,and needs to.
Try to talk with her,I mean,it can be just a "dream" they are making "real" by talking about marriage. But what is important,she trust you,and don't change that. You may talk to your priest,but you can't speak with anyone else about this matter for now. I admit that it is messy thing,but it can work,but it takes lot's and lot's of efforts from both parts,and I reckon you should tell that the them. But don't forget that she trust you. God bless you all.


#4

Joan - I had asked about pre marital counseling when she told me and being that neither is catholic they have no obligations to it. She danced around the question so I'm not sure what they'd do. She said they would get engaged at the end of the summer so that does give time for me to evaluate my concerns before approaching her. Biggest problem is I live 10 hours away so I wouldn't be able to do this talk in person as preferred.

Sum - you are right I need to remember she trusts me. She has best friends and other family closer she could have told but she didn't. She did mention that she would like both of them to keep a steady job before they get married, but I worry once they get engaged the dream of planning a wedding will divert them from that goal. :shrug:

He cares for my sister and that is important to me. Dh thinks I should only speak up when asked bc my sis is already very mindful that most of the family doesn't like him.


#5

The last thing in the world she needs to do is marry this guy! She needs to run for the nearest exit as fast as her legs can carry her. Tell him good luck and goodbye! Otherwise, she's in for a lot of misery!


#6

Hello Laurie_86,

As a person who deals with failed marriages on a daily basis, I would suggest that now is your best time to say something to your sister. You have been indirectly asked to give your opinion and you should. I hear many people say “I didn’t think the marriage was a good idea but I didn’t say anything. I should have said something.” If it turns out that you voice your concerns and the marriage happens and is good, you will still not regret saying what you said.

It isn’t a matter of not liking the guy. It’s a matter of loving your sister.

Dan


#7

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