As I read through the threads in these forums, I discover the majority of people who frequent here appear to be of a strong unwaivering faith. Either people here do not struggle as I do or they chose to keep thier doubts and doubtful moments to themselves.
My struggles are unceasing. I have come to believe that I will always suffer with them to the same degree I struggle with them today. The reasons for this, I feel, are intellectual ( I didn’t say intellient I said intellectual). It seems the more I study, the more questions I encounter. I feel answers to these questions
are never fully satisfying. They simply lead to the next round of questions.
I can state many specific examples of these troubles. However what would happen is a warm-herarted person may respond by
tackling the specific example. And, (hopefully this doesn’t sound arrogant) but I have heard most of the point/counter points already of these specifics already.
Let me attempt to state it this way. The simple fact that apologetics are necassary, or purhaps better put, exist at all, I find troubling. It is simply an infinitly long struggle of people trying to convince people they have the truth. We (Catholics, Evangelicals, Muslims, JW, Atheists…etc)
all use the same tools to make our point(s). It becomes a battle of wit and intellect. This alone is deeply disturbing to me.
I have to ask why would God give us such a confusing revelation that the entire world is in vast disagreement as to how to interpret this revelation. Or, for that matter, if there was a revelation at all.
This post doesn’t come from a person who is not trying to understand. In fact, it has become an obsession. While pondering what is Truth, I go to Mass twice a week, say the rosary fairly often, have brought my family to the church, and read the bible nightly, have read dozens of books by dozens of wonderful authors. . I’d do more if I wasn’t away from home 60+ hours a week making a living. Yet I ramain unsatified.
I find, when praying, I am always praying with a certain despondence. I pray with mixed emotion, wanting desperatly to believe someone is hearing me, yet feeling a bit the fool
for even hoping. When praying the rosary I am constantly interupting my prayer and asking forgiveness for not fully believing anyone is listening.
I don’t know how to bring this struggle to an end. I fear I never will.