Here’s the thing. When I was younger, I was sexually abused by my aunt. She would fondle my penis from time to time. This felt strange(really strange), but after some time it started to feel normal. When I found out that Jesus said that if anyone looked at a woman lustfully, then he had already committed adultery with her in his heart, I was petrified because I did this all the time. I think I was either 5 or 6 when I found out. I didn’t need porn to start these fantasies. It just followed because it was nothing new. I discovered masturbation accidentally.
I have succeeded in not masturbating since July and I’m very proud of that because that is the longest period of time I have gone(since I started masturbating) without engaging in it. This is partly due to the fact that I started college last fall and am an engineering student so I was either busy of tired most of the time. From time to time the urge came and during the thanksgiving break I was literally floored because the urge was so immense, I almost lost my mind. But towards the end of the semester it kept getting greater and now I’m on break and I just can’t seem to get it out of my mind for long. I say both the rosary and chaplet of divine mercy daily but it just seems to be getting stronger. The lust just seems part of me because I have done it most of my life. I keep fighting but it seems to me that sooner rather that later, my resolve will be broken.
Will it be considered sinful?