I don’t usually hang in this section. I hang in the Spirituality section. But I was caught by this thread called, can a homosexual be a heterosexual?
My answer would be YES!
Here is my story
I am a female, 21 years old, of chinese descendent, living in Indonesia. When I was around 14, I fell in love with this woman, her name was Sandra. She wasn’t that pretty, but I thought, at that time, something caught me more than just her externals. She was my english teacher at that time. Lo and behold, I experience that “falling in love” like, head over heels. I have never experienced that before. Before that I identify myself as a heterosexual. But after experiencing that falling in love, I don’t know anymore.
I started researching on the Internet, and I found this gay forum, which was horrible. And I made some friends. These friends were older than me. And have had more experiences in this matter, and one of them gave me “gay movies” And I started watching them.
I didn’t want to identify myself as a lesbian or bisexual, because I just don’t think I am. I was just in love with this person who happened to be a woman. But my weaknesses got in, and I started watching gay porn. And little by little I was lead to believe that I was gay.
She got married, and had to move to the US, because her husband is American. I was crushed, at that time, very crushed. And as a teenager, full of vigour and dreams, I think I would go to America and “stole” her from her husband so that she could be mine. And we can live happily ever after (haha, that was a MORTAL sin)
I wasn’t happy during that time, during my teenage years, I committed many mortal sins and lived far away from God. I got invoved in pornography almost daily and constantly, and I have to say, that I think it is almost impossible to be a homosexual and living chastely.
I gave up my school to earn this scholarship to America (my thinking at that time), but I failed. But during that time, I emailed her, around once every two weeks, and I let her know my feelings, how I was in love with her. She was happy to know that I was in love with her, and I guess our feelings were reciprocal. The only difference is that she didn’t consider herself to be gay, and she loves me, but not in that way.
When I was older, around 20 years old, I began to make sexual moves on her on our emails, because I was drunk. She never replied again, because she was hurt. She loves me and she had suggested that we should be friends, even friends till old age. She finds me interesting and a person with interesting and witty personality (in her own words), and I was touched.
But when I was around 16, my dad got in an affair, and I was desperate. I thought about committing a suicide ( a mortal sin, and I can go to hell straight away), but thankfully I didn’t have a courage. But I was desperate and have lost hope. I turned to Jesus. I said, putting my head near the closet, because I had been plundering about things in the bathroom, I said, Jesus, have mercy on me a sinner.
Jesus have mercy on me a sinner!
Jesus have mercy on me a sinner!
As many times as I liked. And I went to this place which I thought were a retreat place, but it was not. It was a rehabilitation centre. There were some mentally ill people (people who spoke to themselves), but some of them had the same complaints. They were stressed out with their lives. I stayed there about 3 months. I went to confession, read the bible, prayed the rosary daily. And everytime I fell, I just say, Jesus have mercy on me a sinner.
Truth be told, I was in desperate condition at that time, I did not feel like I was a human. I didn’t know what I was anymore, because of the sins I was involved before, because of being hurt by my father. But Jesus healed me little by little, he healed my soul, my body, but gradually. As I continued to say, Jesus have mercy on me a sinner!
After that I was taken to this monastery, a poor clares monastery, and I met this sister, Sister Elfrida. She was very sweet and gentle, she looked at my condition and felt pity on me. She helped me, and she asked me what was the problem. I said, I fell in love with this woman and I quit school to pursue her, she already had a husband. And this sister told me, you are not a homosexual. You are precious in the sight of God. You are smart, you are beautiful. In short, she made me feel like I am precious. And she gave me love.
Love and attention that I’ve been looking for from my mother and father yet have not had it.
And she told me, maybe you have heart wounds, you know, someone who have hurt you in the past, let’s take care of that.
And she asked me to tell her stories about my past. And I remembered vividly, that at around the age of 8 I saw my Dad watching porn, and I was horrified because at that time I didn’t know what it was. I just saw a woman naked, that’s all. And I was hurt. Because it was my DAD. He was supposed to be faithful and loving to my mother, not the other way around. And around that time also, I saw my mother and father “having sex”. They watched porn while doing it, and kept condoms in their room.
The keyhole at the door at that time is “peekable” , meaning, you can take a peek. So I did, and I saw my mother butt naked. And I was horrified!
There was this porn music surrounding it. And I was only eight. I know nothing about sex and it was my first time of knowing it in such a terrible and horrifying way.
Turned out, it hurt me. And after that I cannot make friends with any boy whatsoever and I think that boys are evil and dirty. Before that I have had friends who were boys, have had close ones as well. They were Weyta and Weyli.