My Wife has left me after 17 years


#1

Hello,I’m new to this site and I’m not a big computer user but I need some advice and some prayers too.This is a long story.Three weeks ago my wife of 17 years moved out of our home and moved into an apartment.She told me she was tired of being treated like a slave.She said I just wanted to take everything away from her and have total control over her. I never treated my wife like a slave.All I asked from her was the same thing that every other wife and mother does.Do the dishes,dust,keep the house reasonably clean,cook,foodshop.Sometimes I’d ask her to do a small chore like go to the post office to mail a package or make an important phone call.I work odd hours and long hours so my time is very limited.She told me I wasn’t doing my share of the work.I have spent the last 18 years of my life working all kinds of odd hours…second shift,third shift and God only knows how many thousands of hours of overtime I worked,not to mention traveling 40 miles there and 40 miles back home every day.All to provide a better standard of living for my wife and our son.I also did more than my share of the work at home.I fix things around the house,I get the repairs done on the cars,I cut the grass(no easy task, we have alot of property) We also have alot of trees so you can imagine how many leaves I rake in the fall.It takes the whole week!. I shovel the snow in the winter. I take care of our swimming pool,I do almost all the yard work myself.I go up on the ladder to clean out the gutters,I do my own laundry,I do my sons laundry.I clean out the garage every spring.I decorate the house for Christmas(inside and outside) I put water sealer on the deck,clean the bird cage,take the air conditioners in and out of the windows,trim the hedges,trim the trees,cook food on the grill.I ask you,does this sound like someone who’s not doing thier share of the work? In the 17plus years we’ve been married,I never once asked her to get a full time job.Most of those 17 years she worked part time.Sometimes she didn’t work at all which I didn’t mind as long as she took care of our son and kept up with the house work.In the last 3 months she started working full-time(by her own choice) Now she wants to use this as her excuse for not doing the house work.I told her that just because you work full time dosen’t mean you can neglect your other responsibilities.Even before she started working full-time she wasn’t keeping the house clean and the reason for that is because she has an addiction to the computer.She gets on the computer around 10 pm and dosen’t get off sometimes until 5 or 6 in the morning.I’d come home from work at 1 or 2 sometimes 3 in the morning completely exhausted and find dishes piled up in the sink and find her on the computer.The house would always smell because there were always dirty dishes in the sink.Naturally I would get angry and we would start arguing.I would complain that she needed to spend less time on the computer and more time being a responsible wife and mother.She also got us into some serious financial trouble with various computer scams.I kill myself working overtime and she throws away our money on scans.I had to take her credit cards away because I was scared to death we would lose our house.If something went wrong with the computer,she would go and buy another one before we even got the broken one checked to see if it was only someting minor.She was also meeting with people who she got to be friendly with on the internet.I was very angry at this because you hear about internet predartors all the time. Another thing is that in all the years we’ve been married,we never kept our money or cars seperate.It was always our money and our cars.As soon as she got this full time job that was the end of the word our.All of a sudden it was her money and her car.I asked her to help me pay the bills so we could get some home improvements done but all she cared about was buying another computer.Maybe it’s just me but does she sound just a little selfish? Why get married in the first place? I’m sorry for ranting like this but I guess I needed to get it off ny chest. I know I need to speak to a priest and I will. Do you think I have just cause to ask for a divorce or seperation? I’m trying to be a devout Catholic and I know what the bible and the catechism of the catholic church say about divorce but she left me.I didn’t ask her to leave although I shold have because she almost gave ne a nervous breakdown.Even if she came back I don’t think I could take her back because she will not change.She will not admit she has an addiction to the computer.I feel my health and well being would be at risk.She is completely irresponsible at this point.She not only abondoned me but also our 14 year old son.Please pray for me,my wife and ny son.Thank you and God bless!


#2

It sounds like your wife has an addiction to the computer. I recommend you attend a Retrouvaille weekend together.
retrouvaille.org/


#3

Sorry for your situation. I will say a prayer for you.

God Bless


#4

Thank you for the advice but I doubt she would be willing to go.She will not admit she has an addiction problem.In her mind,it’s all my fault because “I treat her like a slave amd I want total control over her”


#5

To go to retrouvaille she doesn’t need to think she has an addiction. Retrouvaille is a marriage saver, and would help BOTH of you work on your marriage and your shortcomings together.

In most marriages, it seems that each partner sometimes feels like they have the short end of the stick. I know in my own marriage I can sometimes feel like DH has all the fun and none of the responsibility. Meanwhile DH could feel that he is working 10 hours a day at his job and just wants to have the rest of the household responsibilities taken care of. Neither of us is wrong necessarily, but in a loving relationship we must each serve each other without wondering what is in it for us or what the other person is doing to pull his weight.

A happy marriage isn’t measured by a task list with equal levels of work on each side. A happy marriage is one with love, respect, affection, encouragement and appreciation on both sides.

I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.


#6

Thank you for your advice and your prayers but this goes much deeper than just who is or who isn’t pulling thier weight.My wife has a very serious addiction which has taken over her life and led to a seperation.Because of this addiction she has neglected her responsibilities as a wife and mother,she has gotten us into serious finacial trouble and put herself in danger by traveling far from home to meet with people she knows only through the internet.I’m sure you have heard of internet predators.I admit I have become a controlling husband because I can no longer trust her due to her irresponsible behavior.Furthermore she has left me and my son without speaking to a priest about her decision.I feel I have been abondened.


#7

I agree that it sounds like your wife has a serious problem.
However, she also sounds lonely and depressed from your post. She’s gotten to the point where she’s reaching out to befriend random people from the internet because she has no one else. Plus, it sounds like you’re both pointing fingers at each other for not being more helpful around the house…

This is not a simple “computer addiction” problem (although I’m sure that’s *part *of it)… it’s a total marriage crisis.

My advice… look into marriage counseling. It’s not JUST for HER… sounds like you both need to work together here.


#8

Sorry for what has happened to you, the best thing for you to do right now is to go talk to your Priest.

Your wife’s problem with the computer addiction and meeting with people she has met online is a whole seperate issue that she has to deal with, if she even wants to.

Marriage encounter or counseling is not going to do anything if she is not willing to do anything about her addiction. If she is not willing to address her addiction she will not even entertain the idea of marriage counseling! You need to think about yourself and your son right now., and pray for your wife. You are all in my prayers.


#9

Maybe she is lonely and depressed but if she is why wouldn’t she tell me? Even if she is lonely and depressed,that can’t excuse being irresponsible and walking out on your husband and your child.


#10

Apart from leaving you and her son, what she is doing is very dangerous, physically AND spiritually. You all will be in my prayers.
Please for the sake of your wife’s safety, try to put your feelings aside for the moment and work on trying to get you both to counseling. She is putting herself in physical danger and that is very serious.


#11

Thanks for your prayers! I will be speaking with a priest on Monday. I don’t think she will agree to any encounter or counseling either.She left over 3 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since.If she cared about saving our marriage,she wouldn’t have moved into an apartment.Thanks for understanding!


#12

I have tried to tell her she is putting herself in danger and that what she is doing is bad for her physically and spiritually but she just dosen’t want to hear it.It’s hard to help someone who refuses to be helped.Thanks for your prayers!


#13

The magaizing Faith and Family had an article about computer addiction recently. They also reccommened Retrouvaille for the couple along with counselling for the person with the addiction. I am glad to hear that you will be meeting with your priest. I will be praying for you.


#14

I will pray for you and your wife.


#15

I’m sorry for this situation you find yourself in…may I ask…do you think she has found someone else? Not saying that is iron clad, but I wondered that reading this thread…seeing that she has done this before, (meeting people)…it could explain a lot of her behavior. Just curious if you think this?


#16

I certainly have wondered about that possibility. I actually did ask her once if she had been unfaithful to me and she swore she was never unfaithful. I do not think she has been unfaithful and I have no proof that she has been but since her behavior has been so irresponsible I can’t help but wonder.


#17

I mean, one hates to think about such things about his/her spouse, but…if we avoid the possibility of it, then we can never find out what is really at the core of the problem. I am sorry you are dealing with this–you are in my prayers.


#18

Prayers for you both. :gopray:


#19

My prayers and heart are with you sincerely for I too am seperated fom my husband he has left over 10 weeks ago and we have 2 small children. I am not sure of any answers. I have sought counseling for myself and this has helped. Maybe talking to your wife about counseling for you together so you can become a better couple would be the answer, trying not to place blame on each other. Trying to understand her frustrations and lonliness that she felt she must leave. Trying to rekindle the love that is within you both to heal your marriage. I have heard wonderful things on Retrouville maybe a counselor. Maybe a letter to your wife with some of her favorite flowers. A peace offering. I have no idea what to tell you, the pain and rejection you are experieincing is so fresh in my heart that I ache along with you. God now is with you more than ever. I pray for you, your wife and son that the Holy Spirit guide you back together. May God bless and watch over you in this difficult time.
Kristen


#20

Oh Kristen, I’m sorry to hear this too from you…I will pray for you.


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