"My Wife Is Expecting Twins and I Am Not Happy About It"

I read the following article and it just shocked me, but I guess it shouldn’t. I pray the kids never find out their parents felt this way. Thoughts? Disclaimer, some details some may find a little graphic.

Written by Albert Garland* for Babble.com

I’ve been doing some spying lately, casually asking friends and acquaintances about their experiences with having twins.

A buddy from college said of the first year: “Think of the worst thing you can imagine. That’s what it was like.”

An industry contact back from maternity leave said: “I literally couldn’t wait to get back to work. Every weekend is way too long.”

A former colleague was more blunt: “Twins were always my worst nightmare.”

And now it’s my and my wife’s nightmare; we’re expecting twins this August.

Related: 10 things I learned about life when my twins died

To say we’re excited would be an exaggeration. More truthfully, we’re pissed. And terrified, and angry, and guilty, and regretful. Why regretful? Because we brought this on ourselves. This is what we wanted, so to speak.

We already have a son, and he’s wonderful. But my wife and I each have a sibling, and we wanted him to share that experience. We desperately tried to get pregnant for nearly two years, first the natural way, then via several IUIs (intrauterine inseminations). But getting pregnant when you’re both pushing 40 is sort of like trying to blow up the Death Star; it’s possible, but you need the perfect shot. Each month we checked my wife’s fertility; had forced, dispassionate, purely functional sex; and struck out. It hurt worse every time and caused us both to become more jaded than ever. It affected our relationship, and not in a “this-will-bring-us-closer-than-ever” kind of way.

Each IUI (and we tried three or four) was even worse. Oh, how I miss the cup sex and rushing to the fertility clinic, knowing that I probably wasn’t the only one on the subway carrying a jar of semen in my bag. (I never did figure out what exactly was appropriate to masturbate to: A bigger house? Moving to the suburbs?)

And then came the decision to try IVF (in vitro fertilization). Given our ages, we knew the odds were only one in four. And with each shot costing like $10,000, we knew this was money that wasn’t going to go toward our house, the kids’ college fund, or any other future plans. We also knew each failed attempt would add more cracks in the foundation of our relationship.

Thankfully, we nailed it on the first try. But while we were hoping for one girl, instead we got two boys. My initial reaction was full of disappointment, anger, fear, and guilt. My wife, who had been dreading the possibility of twins for weeks, took it worse. In her mind, this was her fault, since she’d encouraged the fertility doctors to put in two embryos to stack the deck.

As horrible as this might sound, we found ourselves wishing these twins away.

We considered a reduction for about 30 seconds. (That’s essentially an abortion of one twin, not both.) If you thought that IVF involved playing God, a reduction felt beyond brazen – Machiavellian, even. Give us a reason, we thought, as we had the twins tested for genetic anomalies. None came.

Two blessings, two bundles of joy. How could you not be happy, you ask? Of course I’m sympathetic to people who can’t get pregnant, or who spend a couple of years trying IVF after IVF. But having kids is a selfish endeavor, and in these cases it’s all very relative and highly personal. In our case, my wife and I know better than to think that life with three children is going to be perfect.

When our first son was born, I was naïve. I remember thinking it was going to be nice to be home for a while and have some time off. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Those first six weeks were brutal. Then the colic arrived. Two months later, we were shattered, frazzled, damaged. Two years later, our son was still waking up for hours on end in the middle of the night. Three years later, we still struggle mightily with a boy who’s fiercely strong-willed and seems to inherently know that crying pushes our buttons.

Our fear is not the new parent fear of the unknown. It’s the smart, informed fear of the known. Our biggest nightmare is that we’ll have colic again, or double colic. This time around, we’re counting down – not like expecting parents but like cancer patients with only months to live. Enjoy life while you can, for soon it’s double the diapers, double the feedings. Half of zero sleep is … less than zero?

So tell me how this isn’t going to suck. (Did I mention we live in a one-bedroom apartment?) Sure, in 10 years I could have close to a starting five of super-athletic, NBA-hopeful alpha males living under my roof smelling up the joint. But right now it’s hard for us to see twins as good news.

I’m trying not to be so bitter and to embrace what’s ahead of us. It’s possible these kids will sleep at some point, I suppose. In the meantime, I’ve promised to stop referring to one of the boys as “extra” and have told my wife I will try to refrain from calling my first-born son “the free one.”

With four months left to go, I’m not sure what stage we’re in at the moment – but it’s not acceptance. My wife and I even both privately admitted that we don’t like the new children, which is of course insane. Excited? We’re not there yet. Terrified? Yes, when we’re not practicing denial.

They say the most important thing is the kids’ health – but what about ours?

*Editor’s note: This dad wishes to remain anonymous, so we’ve published this piece under a pen name.

From huffingtonpost.com/babblecom/my-wife-is-expecting-twins_b_3141819.html

This kind of awful thought process is not uncommon.

"The Two-Minus-One Pregnancy

As Jenny lay on the obstetrician’s examination table, she was grateful that the ultrasound tech had turned off the overhead screen. She didn’t want to see the two shadows floating inside her. Since making her decision, she had tried hard not to think about them, though she could often think of little else. She was 45 and pregnant after six years of fertility bills, ovulation injections, donor eggs and disappointment — and yet here she was, 14 weeks into her pregnancy, choosing to extinguish one of two healthy fetuses, almost as if having half an abortion. As the doctor inserted the needle into Jenny’s abdomen, aiming at one of the fetuses, Jenny tried not to flinch, caught between intense relief and intense guilt. "…

Entire article at link: nytimes.com/2011/08/14/magazine/the-two-minus-one-pregnancy.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

More commentary on the above article here.

parents.com/blogs/dadabase/2011/08/14/deep-thoughts/the-half-abortion-only-keeping-one-twin/

I posted an article a couple of year ago about a woman who killed one perfectly healthy baby and carried one (or maybe two) to term. I’ll see if I can find it, since you may be interested in that discussion.

How inestimably sad…

First they work and plan and spend money to “buy” a baby through modern medicine, and then when despite the horrid things they subject themselves to go about it, they are nonetheless blessed with two and they are still miserable.

Hugging my late in life miracle baby (who is now 16 years old). I had my short spat with God when I found out my baby wasn’t going to be “normal” during my pregnancy, but thankfully, my husband and I got over that “woe is me” nonsense early in my pregnancy and he was welcomed into the world with great joy and happiness and love. I sure hope those two sad souls recover from their selfishness, abandon the pity party and come to their senses soon and can welcome their two (TWO!) blessings in the same way. Hopefully, the man who wrote those words is already regretting his temporary outburst.

I never read anything soooo selfish in my life. There are lots of twins in our family, my grandmother had 15 children, two sets of twins. My sister had 7 children and then twins. I have aunts & several cousins with twins, several nieces, and I have twin grandsons. I have 9 children and would have loved to have had twins but it wasn’t to be. My cousin’s grandaughter has twins and she also has twin sisters. I am sooo thankful my family welcomes and loves each baby. All of these twins were come by naturally. God Bless, Memaw.

I found the older discussion, but my recall was wrong about posting the article, I only commented on it in a discussion about “The View” television show. And, the woman killed two perfectly healthy babies and carried only one to term. Disgusting.

Here is the link to the depressing article, “When One Is Enough,” written by Richards.

When One Is Enough
nytimes.com/2004/07/18/magazine/18LIVES.html?pagewanted=print&position=

I agree, the dad sounded like they regretted the “consequences” of becoming parents the first time, so I do not understand why they went through the treatments to try to have another one.

My parents come from large families and I love having so many relatives. There are a set of twins on one side and it’s such a blessing.

Oh my! I guess I never thought this sentiment was so common. So sad and maddening:mad:

First off you are not alone. Anyone who is expecting multiples and is not at least a little scared is most Likely a bit naive. I have beautiful 6 year old twins and a great 9 year old and even now, if God would have given me the chance I still would have had them one at a time. But! You will get threw it and you will have pervious memories that those who do not have multiples will ever have. It gets easier each year. Here are a few things that might help.

  1. Remember there is a reason God gives us 9 months to get ready.
  2. Line up as much help as you can and do NOT turn anyone down when they offer.
  3. Join your local Mothers of Twins club. Keep them informed of when the babies arrive. Most clubs will help with a meal or two and they have great clothing and baby equipment sales every 6 months.
  4. Get TWO eclectic plug in baby swings!
  5. Save as much money as you can, I know this is a hard one.
  6. Be the rock for your wife. Tell her everything will be ok.
  7. Let your church know you will need help,
    Now take a big deep breath and relax and be happy! You are having twins!! I promise, from one reader to another, it really does get easier each year and they are a ton of fun!

Well, just an FYI, I did not write the article, and I do not have kids. It was published online anonymously. But this is good advice to anyone expecting multiples

Wow, the devil is out there… It is interesting how some people that have become desensitized to abortion use the “fact” that abortion is “ok” to go ahead and do this, even though they seem to know with every fiber that what they are doing is horrible (it is also an abortion, but I guess people aren’t as desensitized to it, so they can still innately realize it is bad, and can only justify it by using the same reasoning that makes abortion “ok”). That and IVF… artificial means of having children make them more of a commodity, and so if you created them, it is ok to go and kill them, since they wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for you. This is something that people that support IVF should think about as well.

This is horrific. I cannot understand the point of view of the person narrating the story. It’s just terrible. My little girl started out as twins, and one didn’t “take”. She is nearly 3, and I still find myself missing her brother or sister, and wishing she had a sibling.

Yeah, I don’t really get why it was so important to them to have another child. Sure they wanted to “give” their child the same experience they had growing up, but it did seem like he really resented his first kid already.

I’m one of a set of fraternal twins, and I think they’re very blessed. Sure, twins are a handful-- technically two handfuls ;)-- but they’re also lots of fun, identical or not.

Sad they aren’t willing to see all the positive things in their lives. They’re very blessed to have three healthy little boys. :frowning:

Man…the world seriously depresses me at times. This is just selfishness…all the way around.

A good friend of mine was nearing 40 when she got married and then pregnant! She was so excited to find out she was having twins!

Then one of the babies wouldn’t take and she ended up miscarrying one of them. She had a difficult pregnancy and fought hard to keep the remaining baby.

He is a healthy and rambunctious 3 year old little boy who has recently welcomed his little sister this past Christmas. :smiley:

I have another friend who recently had twins…and, despite how difficult they can be, he beams with pride and love every time I ask him about them and how they are doing.

:frowning: I really pray these children never come to know how their parents felt.

The good news is they couldn’t justify an abortion. Thankfully, it was only considered out of fear and dismissed with a spark of rationality. I pray the Holy Spirit move them to love these twins as fully as He does.

This is very true! I pray they are able to put these feelings aside and move past them, for everyone involved.

I can understand being scared about it but DANG! What a jerk! Nobody made them do all that stuff to have another baby!

I so wanted a large family, but was only able to have 2 children. I still mourn the baby that miscarried. WIth each pregnancy I prayed for twins, because I knew that being older, the odds of having a large family were small.

How sad that there are people who don’t want their babies, just becuase there are “too many” of them. :frowning:

If they can only handle one child, they could just give the other one up for adoption. There are plenty of loving families out there who want children, and from what I hear, there are not enough adoptees to go around.

This mindset is heartbreaking, but not surprising given that in our nation, children are viewed as a “right” instead of a gift. When you seperate the gift of the child from the Giver of Life, the child essentially is viewed as a commodity instead of a person made in the image and likeness of God.

In regards to this story, I am hearing an increasing amount of stories similar to this one. I recently heard a story about a couple who underwent IVF and the wife got pregnant with twins. He is heartbroken because his wife intends to terminate the life of one of them.
It’s so selfish and sad…

Where do these people come from? I know someone who had twins, spontaneously, two years apart - four kids under 3! They were beyond excited with their “insta big family.”

Honestly, I can see being scared (because twin pregnancies are often complicated and the babies are more often premature) or overwhelmed (because even one newborn is a lot of work) - but angry and disappointed??. For the love of Pete. What an ungrateful, selfish, nasty jerk. He needs to be supportive and reassuring for his wife’s sake - he needs to be strong and let her know that things are going to be okay. Instead, he’s sharing this baloney on the 'net. And what is this about expecting a girl? Did they not realize gender is a 50-50 proposition??? They sure don’t make men like they used to.

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