My wife just told me cheated on me.

I came home from work today and my wife told me she cheated on me on saturday night. She had went out dancing and drinking with her girlfriends and then meet up with a co-worker. She didn't arrive home until nearly seven in the morning. She originally told me she had just stayed out to sober up at work. In hindsight I know this seems obvious that this was risky behavior, even if she had only done exactly what she said but I trusted her and took her at
her word. I feel like such a fool.

Right now I don't know what to do. Everything feels surreal, like it's all a horrible dream. When she told me I felt like I was going to faint, I couldn't breathe and I just kept waiting for her to say it was just some sort of sick joke.

It's been about 5 hours now and I can't sleep. I feel like I have the flu now. I think I have a fever but I have the chills, I feel lightheaded, nausatious, my mouth is dry and I have a terrible headache.

I am also having terrible thoughts. I can't stop thinking about the actual sex act she did with him. I keep thinking about going and beating the hell out of him. I am also having fleeting thoughts of suicide.

I don't know what to do. I know we haven't been the best Catholics. I don't want to get divorced but I don't know how to handle this. My wife seems remorseful but the thought keeps going through my head that if I stay, it's like I'm telling her it's not a big deal. I wonder how I can ever trust her again.

I just don't know what to do, what to say. Please pray for us.

Where can we go for catholic marriage counseling? Has anyone else dealt with this?

A good wife should get 3 strikes. Sounds like she might have been under the influence of alcohol. Sure something like that can can be painful but you can make things a lot worse by holding it against her. Pray for serenity to calm your mind and best wishes.

Hi.I know how terible you feel right now.The bilbe says forgive those who offend us so that our father in heaven will forgive us.Its not easy for you need the grace of God to forgive your wife.Ask God for that grace.I will pray for you,

Many years ago, before I was married I both cheated on my then girlfriend (not the woman I later married), and on a different occasion slept with a married woman.

These mistakes can and do happen. It is a dreadful breach of the trust of your relationship, and I do know how bad it hurts right now.
Adultery is a heinous sin - against the Family and society, and against the sacrament of Matrimony. But it is not unforgivable - By God, By you or by any Christian.

I assume from what you have posted, that your wife is probably eaten up with guilt and remorse right now...
the good news is that all the signs are that both you and your wife want to rescue your relationship. Remember that Adultery might be grounds for divorce in US law (and law of other worldly nations - but it is not grounds for divorce in the Catholic Church, or the Kingdom of God.

Pray the Our Father.
Read at the book of Job,
Read the gospel passages where Jesus intervenes to save the Adulterous woman

Remember in your own life the occasions where you have felt tempted, Fantasised or contemplated allowing opportunities develop where you could do the same.
As a man I find it hard to envisage a another man living in the western world who has not faced these temptations.

Women even more than men are most likely to seek comfort or solace outside their marriage if their emotional needs are not being met at home... is it possible that there is an underlying lack of communication or tenderness between you that has made you both vulnerable to this happening?

As already suggested you need to speak to a good, Catholic marriage counsellor. Together. Your parish priest should be able to put you in touch.
I'm sure I've heard EWTN Radio advertising "Marriage Encounter" Weekends. Could a retreat like one of these help you?

Pick up your telephone. Call your priest. Do it today, ASAP.

May God bless you and protect you both.
Lead us all, not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Can you tell us what country and Diosese you are living in?
That will help people direct you to the appropriate services in your area.

That’s tough. I am sorry this has happened. Keep in mind that you are not the first nor the last that this has happened to.

There is a group here on CAF that may interest you:

forums.catholic.com/group.php?groupid=659

I like the advice to go to speak with a priest immediately.

I will be praying for you and your wife.

Abba

[quote="distraughtlost, post:1, topic:255911"]
I came home from work today and my wife told me she cheated on me on saturday night. She had went out dancing and drinking with her girlfriends and then meet up with a co-worker. She didn't arrive home until nearly seven in the morning. She originally told me she had just stayed out to sober up at work. In hindsight I know this seems obvious that this was risky behavior, even if she had only done exactly what she said but I trusted her and took her at
her word. I feel like such a fool.

Right now I don't know what to do. Everything feels surreal, like it's all a horrible dream. When she told me I felt like I was going to faint, I couldn't breathe and I just kept waiting for her to say it was just some sort of sick joke.

It's been about 5 hours now and I can't sleep. I feel like I have the flu now. I think I have a fever but I have the chills, I feel lightheaded, nausatious, my mouth is dry and I have a terrible headache.

I am also having terrible thoughts. I can't stop thinking about the actual sex act she did with him. I keep thinking about going and beating the hell out of him. I am also having fleeting thoughts of suicide.

I don't know what to do. I know we haven't been the best Catholics. I don't want to get divorced but I don't know how to handle this. My wife seems remorseful but the thought keeps going through my head that if I stay, it's like I'm telling her it's not a big deal. I wonder how I can ever trust her again.

I just don't know what to do, what to say. Please pray for us.

Where can we go for catholic marriage counseling? Has anyone else dealt with this?

[/quote]

What you are feeling is perfectly natural. If you did not love your wife, you would not feel that way.
On the other hand, alcohol and sex do not make a good company, I mean, under the influence of alcohol you lose all your bearings.
It is not going to be easy for you. It would be easy for me to tell you to forgive as Jesus said but better said than done.
It will take a long time to heal, as the wound is deeply into your soul.
Your wife is not feeling well either. She does not know how it happened and she did not on purpose. She was caught by alcohol. She learnt that alcohol does not mix well with the opposite sex.
Your feelings of killing and suicide are natural, for your situation as a matter, you want to get rid of the opponent and on the other hand you say that without your wife's love, life is not worthwhile.
I would say what I say in everyday trauma of people: one second at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.
I cannot figure out what is going to happen. So take each moment at a time to survive. Past is gone, future is in God's hands.
We will pray for you. We want to you make mends with your wife, how difficult and painful it will be.
God knows what the future holds for you. You are in God's hands. May Gos show you the way and to your wife the repentance and mending the shredded cloth.

Take a few deep breaths and put things in perspective. She had a moment of weakness and drunken stupidity. Be grateful she didn’t come home and tell you she has cancer. This you can fix. What she did is horrible, but she is remorseful. Consider your own sins and ask yourself if God can forgive you if you cannot eventually forgive her.

There is obviously something wrong with your marriage, although that thing may only be her character. Yet, it is worth exploring in order to save your marriage. Speak to your parish about finding marriage counseling in line with Church teachings. And then lay down some ground rules, and lay them down firmly.

  1. No more girls’ nights out.
  2. Either she leaves her place of employment or her accomplice leaves. Frankly, I would think she would be too humiliated to show her face there again since everyone will know about it within the week, but I’m for him leaving as well. How that comes about depends greatly on the type of establishment and your willingness to pursue. In any case, one or both have to leave and they are never to see each other again.
  3. Consider having her evaluated for alcoholism. Drunks make stupid decisions. Maybe she needs to stop drinking entirely.
  4. Let her know that you still love her and do not want a divorce, but she has to regain your trust, and it is going to require effort and time. You also have to be willing to consider your own role in her rebellion. That’s what it was.
  5. If you have not both been actively developing your Catholic faith, then you know what you both need to do. Maybe this is a second chance.

Good luck, and God Bless. This is not the end of the world. It’s just pain and betrayal. It will heal.

Hi distraughtlost,

This is not necessarily the end of the world. I good friend of mine was in your shoes, more than 20 years ago. It was a one-time mistake on the part of his wife, she regretted it, they put it behind, and they went on to have a happy marriage with 2 kids.

That your wife admitted her wrongdoing is actually a good sign. Go ahead and take whatever actions you need to take to keep her from going out with bad company and getting drunk in the future. Make sure you take actions to prevent this from ever again happening in the future. But also be compassionate to your wife, don't beat her up in an emotional sense, remember how we are all sinners. Also, don't do anything foolish - don't assault the other guy. Just cut him out of your lives (no more contact with your wife or yourself) and that's it.

I will pray for you and your family.

If you were the one who committed the fault, how would you feel about yourself and about your spouse? put yourself on her very own shoes. As Jesus have said: do not look on the brow of your neighbor without even looking at your own brow (sorry but it is something like that). In other words: we are not perfect at all, we are sinners, we can never say that we will never do that very same mistake or fault. Have compassion on your wife, who most be even more regretful than you, who is suffering evenmore than you, since she is the one who committed the fault. It is time for talking about those private matters that sometimes in our marriage we just keep forgetting but that are very meaningful in our lives as a family. Didn't Jesus say: Forgive as i have forgiven you. How many times we have sinned and God has forgiven us and He is still forgiving us? Do not look into your own inner pain but into the pain of the other and talk about what your marriage might be lacking of that made your wife commit such sin. When we realize how imperfect we are and we have been, how can we ask for our spouse to be perfect or closer to perfection? As you have mentioned before: you and your wife do not go to church and get nourished by the word of God constantly, maybe you have never prayed together. Try to pray together, remember that when 2 or more people pray together; God is there. Prayer which enrich our spiritual life and consolidate our marriages is an important part of a christian family. They say that the family that prays together, stays together. You can also look for family counseling with your local priest. I hope my words help you to meditate about your present condition. May God be always with you and your wife.

OP, Sorry that you are having to go through this. You may find this article helpful...forgiving will not always automatically lead to "feelings" of forgiveness.

catholic.com/thisrock/2003/0309bt.asp

Saburo gave you excellent advice. She must find another job. She should hand in her resignation considering the man works with her.

Yes, couples do survive infidelity and adultery. From what you wrote, she sounds contrite but she must change her ways. Go back to Church, she should change jobs, come home after work, socialize with family and married couples, if she has a problem with drinking get help.

You are in shock. Just as you would if you had been in an accident or had a trauma of some kind, make no serious decisions right now. Take good care of yourself. Pray, and make sure to eat enough to keep yourself healthy. This all takes time to sort out. You have been betrayed, and that is a serious wound to the relationship, even if she is remorseful. She will need to be very patient and understand that this was a huge wound to the relationship because of her choices. Even if drunk, she still made the choice to do the wrong thing.

The problem is that you have been through a terrible experience, but you have no support as you would if someone had died or if there had been some accident. You can’t really share this with anyone right now, but you do need support. Go to your priest right away, as soon as you can. You will get some comfort from him and he may have some referrals to Catholic counselors in your area. You can use a Christian counselor but be aware you will need a spiritual director to cover the Catholic issues. I would not recommend a secular counselor because they may not be as stalwart about keeping your marriage together.

Are children involved? You didn’t say.

Try to keep your mind off specifics. When the image or thoughts come into your mind, chase them away with a few Hail Marys. Say the whole rosary when you can. Exercise. Work on projects around the house. Do physical things to distract yourself.

I will add you to my prayers tonight. I am so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself, this is a horrible trauma.

:frowning:

What she did is not excusable, but it is forgiveable. That is not something that you are going to work through immediately, though. You have to absorb the nature of the offense, the nature of the betrayal, and then work into the truth and courage required for such immediate repentance on her part. It is going to be a process.

For today, it is OK to simply grieve, to mourn your innocence. I doubt that your body will let you do anything else. You will go through all the stages of grief, including anger and denial and all the rest.

I think your marriage has an excellent chance of surviving, but the healing will take time and the scar will not disappear entirely. It will be another of the trials that make a marriage: not something you would ask for, but something that courage has to cope with because fear and denial can't take it away.

See a priest, and soon. Absolutely get counselling, both for yourself and together. Get her in counselling, too. If she is going to return to the straight and narrow, she is going to have to go through the humbling process of admitting what she did but then letting go of the guilt and the shame. This is also going to uncover issues that the both of you will have to face together in order to clear the foundations for rebuilding trust.

You have a lot of work to do, but look at the Cross and remember: the message of the Cross isn't that bad things never happen to those who are faithful. The message of the Cross is that for those who are faithful, God can take the worst thing in the world and transform it into the best thing in the world. What it takes is to be willing to hang in there and believe that if you do your part and accept the cup that comes, if you do not let despair tempt you, God will do the heavy lifting and God will give you the victory. That is true no matter what your wife has done, or what she does tomorrow, either.

[quote="distraughtlost, post:1, topic:255911"]
I came home from work today and my wife told me she cheated on me on saturday night. She had went out dancing and drinking with her girlfriends and then meet up with a co-worker. She didn't arrive home until nearly seven in the morning. She originally told me she had just stayed out to sober up at work. In hindsight I know this seems obvious that this was risky behavior, even if she had only done exactly what she said but I trusted her and took her at
her word. I feel like such a fool.

Right now I don't know what to do. Everything feels surreal, like it's all a horrible dream. When she told me I felt like I was going to faint, I couldn't breathe and I just kept waiting for her to say it was just some sort of sick joke.

It's been about 5 hours now and I can't sleep. I feel like I have the flu now. I think I have a fever but I have the chills, I feel lightheaded, nausatious, my mouth is dry and I have a terrible headache.

I am also having terrible thoughts. I can't stop thinking about the actual sex act she did with him. I keep thinking about going and beating the hell out of him. I am also having fleeting thoughts of suicide.

I don't know what to do. I know we haven't been the best Catholics. I don't want to get divorced but I don't know how to handle this. My wife seems remorseful but the thought keeps going through my head that if I stay, it's like I'm telling her it's not a big deal. I wonder how I can ever trust her again.

I just don't know what to do, what to say. Please pray for us.

Where can we go for catholic marriage counseling? Has anyone else dealt with this?

[/quote]

Call your parish office in the morning and ask to make an appointment with the priest for counseling. He will be able to counsel and guide you into repairing your marriage. You will be able to forgive and trust your wife again, but it will be a long painful process and she must be willing to do whatever it takes to put your marriage back on track. It can be done, but it takes 101% commitment and patience from both parties.

The liberal media is increasingly glorifying these trashy acts in the movies, TV, and movies, which are more common with portable media, so it's no surprise that more and more people will copy them in the future. You wouldn't want an alcoholic living next to a bar, so why do we want to tempt ourselves into viewing acts which are unhealthy for true love? People are the sum of their experiences. Time to turn off the liberal media, before it's too late.

I really feel for you, but you must be strong. And, don't do anything stupid.

Absolutely see a Priest.

Also, your wife must make a good confession. If she is truly sorrowful & repentant she will receive absolution and I believe this will go a long way to ensuring it does not happen again.

Then, together, you should examine your faith, learn more about Catholic teaching and what makes a good Catholic marriage.

Together, you can overcome this. It will take time & effort from both of you but there is no reason why you can't have a long and happy marriage. But you need to strengthen your faith.

Good luck my friend, my prayers are with you.

ill say a rosary for you. God bless.

There is also something pretty important here: you and your wife should also analyze if her coworkers are indeed a good company for her, as a married woman and mother, if she is already. Our friends play an important role in our lives and sometimes we do get influenced by what they do, talk, etc. You should really talk both of you in depth about the good and bad points that until now you marriage has been all about. It might be lacking of something important, maybe for both of you, maybe more important for her than for you, etc. friends are secondary people and they are great sometimes, but remember that the most important thing for both of you: it is your marriage, therefore, both of you must refocus about the priorities of it. Pray, pray both of you together, during deep prayer we ask for what our spouse is requesting God for and we realize also his/her needs. Prayer unites, have faith, not only you, but both of you evolve to become better spouse to each other. May God always bless you.

My wife and I went to morning Mass and meet with the priest afterwards, went to confession and talked with him. He is going to find an appropriate counselor and he also said that just a week ago a couple told him that if any married couple was contemplating divorce because of infidelity to have them contact them.

First, I want to thank everyone for the advice and prayers.

Secondly, this is a bit stream of consciousness so it may seem all over the place but I don’t feel I can share if with anyone.

As far as the cheating, it was not just a drunken mistake. She had been drinking but she has admitted to me that she had developed a crush on this person in the previous week or so and that very same night had discussed with another coworker that this man wanted to cheat with her. She told the other coworker she wouldn’t do it but loved the attention. She meet up the the man with the intention of flirting and later left with him with intention of cheating. Literally the morning of the very day she went out at night, she brought up out of the blue that she loved me so much she didn’t think she could leave me if I ever cheated on her. It wasn’t just a situation she fell into. She put herself into a situation were she knew this was a possible outcome.

My wife has self esteem issues. I know this so I make a strong effort to compliment her, tell her she looks attractive. I never criticize her looks or call her names. Which is why it hurts so much that she wanted to go outside for validation. I compliment her for nearly a decade, emotionally support her and protect her feelings and someone she meet 2 works ago calls her a nice, attractive person and she tosses me aside for the simplest of pickup lines. It’s emasculating. It’s humilating.

I am scared. I am heartbroken beyond anything I have ever felt. I know this sounds awful but when I came home and saw the look on her face, I know what she was going to say and in that brief time before she spoke I though “please God, not this. Maybe she’s going to tell me someone died but not this.” I feel ashamed that I still wish it had been a death in the family.

The priest told us that sometimes after cheating a marriage can be better than ever. I’d like to believe that. I WANT to believe that. But I don’t believe that. Maybe I’m just too caught up in my emotions but I don’t see how this is possible.

We’ve had marital difficulty before. When we first got together my now wife felt like she had to discuss the #'s of past sexual partners. I had none before her. She gave me the # and details about some of them (one night stand, dated for awhile, etc). I didn’t ask (mostly because I was embarrassed about being a virgin, I was not a Catholic at the time or a practicing Christian, we converted a few years after we were married) but just though “okay.” The problem was that slowly through our marriage she would mention things that were inconsistent with what she had told me before. Relationships changed, the # got bigger. I could have accepted that as being ashamed and wanting to protect my feelings, because she knew some of those details could be hurtful. But with her friends, she laughed about these stories and told details of her past she had never told me, details that she knew where humiliating.

When this information came out, bit by bit, I became more and more depressed. I stopped going to Mass and was angry that God wasn’t helping with my pain. I hated God for that and cursed his name everytime I had those depressing thoughts. We went to non Christian counseling and through the course of it my wife told me the entire truth. I know many of you may think I didn’t need to know, that it seems like I was judging her for her past but I wasn’t. It wasn’t a matter of “I need to know everything” it was that I was finding this stuff out in some of the most humiliating ways possible.

During and after this we stopped going to Mass. I was still angry with God. But I slowly started to heal from this rough part in our marriage and felt a draw back to the Mass, first at the invitation of my wife, that we should be going to church. We both went to confession and started attending regularly again. At first it felt odd to be back but then, for lack of a better word it felt, nice. It felt like home.

I thought we were in the best place possible in our marriage. We have never been able to have children but even that didn’t feel lacking. If it happened, it happened, no worries. I felt so alive, so happy, so content. And now this. My life is changed forever in a 6 hour time period.

I’m not angry with God. At least not now. I can’t say that I won’t experience that emotion in the future. But as of now, I am so hurt. I keep asking God “why?” Why did you allow this? Why didn’t you tell me there was a problem before? Why didn’t you warn me? Why did you let me think everything was so great just to let the rug be pulled from under me? I am drowning! I am dying inside! Why aren’t you helping with this pain?

My wife quit her job. She also changed her phone number and cut ties with her friends at work. She said she wants to rebuild trust, that she doesn’t have to work and that she wants to be open and not hide her communications with friends. Mostly i find this reassuring but a small part of me is very scared she is going to resent all of these changes and leave me.

The priest said not to make any decisions for 6 months or more. I know this is the right thing to do. My emotions change minute to minute. I can’t imagine basing a life altering decision on the way I feel now.

I am not drinking. I want to. I want to really badly. I just want to feel numb. But I don’t think I could stop if I started right now. And I know alcohol and depression don’t mix very well.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.