My wife and I went to morning Mass and meet with the priest afterwards, went to confession and talked with him. He is going to find an appropriate counselor and he also said that just a week ago a couple told him that if any married couple was contemplating divorce because of infidelity to have them contact them.
First, I want to thank everyone for the advice and prayers.
Secondly, this is a bit stream of consciousness so it may seem all over the place but I don’t feel I can share if with anyone.
As far as the cheating, it was not just a drunken mistake. She had been drinking but she has admitted to me that she had developed a crush on this person in the previous week or so and that very same night had discussed with another coworker that this man wanted to cheat with her. She told the other coworker she wouldn’t do it but loved the attention. She meet up the the man with the intention of flirting and later left with him with intention of cheating. Literally the morning of the very day she went out at night, she brought up out of the blue that she loved me so much she didn’t think she could leave me if I ever cheated on her. It wasn’t just a situation she fell into. She put herself into a situation were she knew this was a possible outcome.
My wife has self esteem issues. I know this so I make a strong effort to compliment her, tell her she looks attractive. I never criticize her looks or call her names. Which is why it hurts so much that she wanted to go outside for validation. I compliment her for nearly a decade, emotionally support her and protect her feelings and someone she meet 2 works ago calls her a nice, attractive person and she tosses me aside for the simplest of pickup lines. It’s emasculating. It’s humilating.
I am scared. I am heartbroken beyond anything I have ever felt. I know this sounds awful but when I came home and saw the look on her face, I know what she was going to say and in that brief time before she spoke I though “please God, not this. Maybe she’s going to tell me someone died but not this.” I feel ashamed that I still wish it had been a death in the family.
The priest told us that sometimes after cheating a marriage can be better than ever. I’d like to believe that. I WANT to believe that. But I don’t believe that. Maybe I’m just too caught up in my emotions but I don’t see how this is possible.
We’ve had marital difficulty before. When we first got together my now wife felt like she had to discuss the #'s of past sexual partners. I had none before her. She gave me the # and details about some of them (one night stand, dated for awhile, etc). I didn’t ask (mostly because I was embarrassed about being a virgin, I was not a Catholic at the time or a practicing Christian, we converted a few years after we were married) but just though “okay.” The problem was that slowly through our marriage she would mention things that were inconsistent with what she had told me before. Relationships changed, the # got bigger. I could have accepted that as being ashamed and wanting to protect my feelings, because she knew some of those details could be hurtful. But with her friends, she laughed about these stories and told details of her past she had never told me, details that she knew where humiliating.
When this information came out, bit by bit, I became more and more depressed. I stopped going to Mass and was angry that God wasn’t helping with my pain. I hated God for that and cursed his name everytime I had those depressing thoughts. We went to non Christian counseling and through the course of it my wife told me the entire truth. I know many of you may think I didn’t need to know, that it seems like I was judging her for her past but I wasn’t. It wasn’t a matter of “I need to know everything” it was that I was finding this stuff out in some of the most humiliating ways possible.
During and after this we stopped going to Mass. I was still angry with God. But I slowly started to heal from this rough part in our marriage and felt a draw back to the Mass, first at the invitation of my wife, that we should be going to church. We both went to confession and started attending regularly again. At first it felt odd to be back but then, for lack of a better word it felt, nice. It felt like home.
I thought we were in the best place possible in our marriage. We have never been able to have children but even that didn’t feel lacking. If it happened, it happened, no worries. I felt so alive, so happy, so content. And now this. My life is changed forever in a 6 hour time period.
I’m not angry with God. At least not now. I can’t say that I won’t experience that emotion in the future. But as of now, I am so hurt. I keep asking God “why?” Why did you allow this? Why didn’t you tell me there was a problem before? Why didn’t you warn me? Why did you let me think everything was so great just to let the rug be pulled from under me? I am drowning! I am dying inside! Why aren’t you helping with this pain?
My wife quit her job. She also changed her phone number and cut ties with her friends at work. She said she wants to rebuild trust, that she doesn’t have to work and that she wants to be open and not hide her communications with friends. Mostly i find this reassuring but a small part of me is very scared she is going to resent all of these changes and leave me.
The priest said not to make any decisions for 6 months or more. I know this is the right thing to do. My emotions change minute to minute. I can’t imagine basing a life altering decision on the way I feel now.
I am not drinking. I want to. I want to really badly. I just want to feel numb. But I don’t think I could stop if I started right now. And I know alcohol and depression don’t mix very well.