My wife wants out - help needed


#1

Hello,

My wife of ten years recently let me know she doesn't love me anymore and wants out of our marriage, this was told to me on our ten year anniversary. We have four very beautiful little children and we have had a wonderful ten years together (or so I thought).

She let me know she stopped loving me a year ago and was contemplating leaving me at that time but thought she would wait it out until our ten year anniversary. We have had our ups and downs, as most marriages have, and have worked through the issues (I thought). She now tells me she never got over the past issues and doesn't want to work on us any more and feels I will never change. I told her I would do anything to work on saving our marriage and keep from hurting our children. The answer is still "No".

I felt she had been having an affair because of all the red flags popping up the past few months but she tells me she has been faithful and all the red flags are coincidental but agrees they appear suspicious. I've pleaded with her to give us a try and work this out, go to couple counseling, but she said "No". Through many weeks of prayers and several discussions, she has begrudgingly agreed to go to a marriage encounter. She says this will help her solidify in her mind that we have nothing left to work on, and this way people can't say she didn't try.

Anybody have any ideas on how to get through to her?

My heart is breaking in two and my world feels like it is caving in around me. I am devastated at the thought of what this will do to our small children.

Any advice and prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you and God Bless.


#2

Dearest Leap of Faith
You, ur wife and marriage are in my prayers.
I believe other people will too, even if they do not post.
Strength.


#3

I will pray for you and your family. God can work miracles and I hope He does in your case!

I am sorry you are going through this.


#4

Marriage Encounter is not for people in troubled marriages. It is marriage enrichment.

You need to look at Retrouvaille, which is really what you need at this point in your marriage.


#5

** I really don't have any advice and it breaks my heart to say this, but her making SURE the marriage went ten years tells me she wanted to make sure she hit the ten year mark to be able to some day collect on your Social Security. (You have to be married for at least ten years for that to happen). I'm so sorry to have to say it, but from where I see it, she has already checked out a long time ago, is not interested in making it work and is just going through the motions of a Marriage Encounter so she can say that she "tried."

I am so very sorry this is happening to you and your family.
I will keep you in my prayers :console:**


#6

[quote="tuscany, post:5, topic:240830"]
** I really don't have any advice and it breaks my heart to say this, but her making SURE the marriage went ten years tells me she wanted to make sure she hit the ten year mark to be able to some day collect on your Social Security. (You have to be married for at least ten years for that to happen). I'm so sorry to have to say it, but from where I see it, she has already checked out a long time ago, is not interested in making it work and is just going through the motions of a Marriage Encounter so she can say that she "tried."

I am so very sorry this is happening to you and your family.
I will keep you in my prayers :console:**

[/quote]

:(:(:eek:

That's really tragic. I hope that's not the reason - if she remarries, she doesn't get his SS does she?


#7

See how counseling goes. Keep your heart open. Listen to what she says about past hurts.

But one thing I have to point out -- I have noticed that in a lot of cases where one spouse doesn't even want to try and is very adamant about it....there is already another person involved. I'm sure it's not true 100% of the time, but I see it an awful lot.

Most people who are just unhappy want to at least try to see if they can reclaim their feelings of love. Those who INSIST that there is nothing to talk about, that they won't change their minds, etc...there's an affair going on.

If you see other red flags, please don't ignore them. Your marriage doesn't stand a chance in counseling if she's lying, and simply going to the sessions in order to make herself look better to outsiders.

Good luck and God bless.


#8

**To TheRealJuliane-
If she were to remarry once, or several more times, when she is old enough to start collecting Social Security, she could collect it on any husband she was married to for at least ten years. So if husband number one made the most money, she could collect on his record, or if it was husband number three who made the most money, she could collect on his record. She can only choose one of them, but she does have a choice if it was a marriage that lasted for at least ten years.

To Leap Of Faith~
I have already said a Rosary for your family tonight, and I will keep doing so daily.
Take care of yourself my friend, I know you are in a lot of pain.**


#9

If she's been thinking about it for that long, seems like her mind is already made up. You can ask her to go to counseling with you and see if she is willing to do that. But I think there's a chance that there's someone else involved already, at least an emotional relationship with someone else. That was my experience and the experience of some other people I know.


#10

[quote="Leap_of_Faith, post:1, topic:240830"]
Hello,

My wife of ten years recently let me know she doesn't love me anymore and wants out of our marriage, this was told to me on our ten year anniversary. We have four very beautiful little children and we have had a wonderful ten years together (or so I thought).

She let me know she stopped loving me a year ago and was contemplating leaving me at that time but thought she would wait it out until our ten year anniversary. We have had our ups and downs, as most marriages have, and have worked through the issues (I thought). She now tells me she never got over the past issues and doesn't want to work on us any more and feels I will never change. I told her I would do anything to work on saving our marriage and keep from hurting our children. The answer is still "No".

I felt she had been having an affair because of all the red flags popping up the past few months but she tells me she has been faithful and all the red flags are coincidental but agrees they appear suspicious. I've pleaded with her to give us a try and work this out, go to couple counseling, but she said "No". Through many weeks of prayers and several discussions, she has begrudgingly agreed to go to a marriage encounter. She says this will help her solidify in her mind that we have nothing left to work on, and this way people can't say she didn't try.

Anybody have any ideas on how to get through to her?

My heart is breaking in two and my world feels like it is caving in around me. I am devastated at the thought of what this will do to our small children.

Any advice and prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you and God Bless.

[/quote]

Reading your post absolutely makes my heart break. I will pray for you and your family.


#11

Your story is so sad, but you need to protect yourself and your children. Pray, seek marriage counseling, but still see the best lawyer that you can afford. Your wife may have "friends" who are advising her, so you need the best legal advise that you can get to preserve what you have so that you can provide for your children.


#12

If I would decide to leave my marriage (which I won't no matter how hard it is) I would do exactly the way your wife does it

I can tell you from my perspective, that maybe has nothing to do with your wife. It is my story.
But maybe can give you a new perspective.

Marriage is too precious, and your children not to try anything to save it! I will pray for you!

She must have been loved you - otherwise she wouldn't give birth your children, as much as 4!

But something along the way made her so alone, bitter and abandoned (or mad, disapointed or so) that she just closed one by one little piece of her heart to you. You hurt her so many times until nothing left to hurt. And she didn't forgive.

Maybe you don't listen to her.
Maybe you are impatient with her needs.
Maybe you are too critical, or not open enough.
Maybe you are not selfless in giving.

Maybe now she is having an affair - which is also a sign of her lonlines, abandonment and quest for support and love which she wasn't getting in your marriage.

I don't know what exactly is going on. But something hurtful for her was going on for years.

Woman's decision to leave with 4 children is always motivated by deep and helpless suffering in bad communication and relationship.

If she came to that conclusion and is so certain and determined - it only means that all the suffering, second thoughts and pain she experienced you didn't realized or recognized, or you refused to listen. Or withdrawn from communication because watching TV, working or fishing was more satisfying for you. How hard is being ignored? How big gap between husband and wife must be that she can undergo such a venture (coming to terms with idea of leaving him, and becoming determined and without regrets) in her mind without him even realize that SOMETHING is going on? Can you imagine how many nights you lied by her not even realized she is agonized, sad or dissapointed?!

If your wife just decided to leave, and you have no idea why, it is just enough of a sign that you didn't payed attention to her. Many man don't pay attention to women physical need for rest while they have babies, don't help them get daily rest... I know women who were hurt and couldn't make it anymore - just because they were too tired, overworked and overstressed. Family broke because man didn't want to let woman sleep for few hours a day, or help with loundry... how sad is that! How little they should do and yet they tried to ignore that and see what happens - if they still enjoy TV time as much as they like.

When child comes from school you KNOW how it was, did he did something stupid, or is he in love. You KNOW your child, you invest time, you care, you ask, watch and dig until you find out.

But with spouse we ask, demand, ignore and try to fine tune him or her so that our life is as good as it gets - not his or her.

We don't observe, we don't try to find out, we find small talk, or big talk drudgery - it is mostly men's guilt... and when zillion little wounds and sufferings, hopes and dreams passes without togetherness, and slips beside supposedly loving person, it is just naturally our heart closes. And without faith and God it is just plain natural that we just find other source of closeness, love and support. We all need it. It is just too hard to bear all life difficulties if our spouse is distant and not open to communication.

If spouses don't deeply follow Christ, if they don't use benefit of confession and repention, if they don't really understand vow of marriage it is hard to find peace and endure.

No one but Christ is able to love unconditionaly when abandoned, ignored, trivialised, criticised, tortured... no one but Christ and people who "die to oneself and live for the God" - but people always suffer more than they can transform into love and I just can not judge anyone who says - I can't handle this anymore.

As much as having an affair is sinful, bad for the family, and plain stupid, I think that it happens all too often because human nature is made for love, but so often love turns into using us for one's own comfort.

I feel deeply for you, and your wife.

And my suggestion is that you try to go to confession to experienced priest so that Holly Spirit shows you what you can do to regain love and trust of your wife. As a woman I can tell you that it is movingly easy to regain a love of a woman who gave birth to your children.

But it asks for sacrifice, humility and selflesness; not in your terms, but in terms of her needs and needs of her soul.

And yes, she needs to repent and go to confession and understand vow of marriage more deeply, but until than if you want to save marriage - do the first step. Give her your sacrifice, love, support, showing her Christ-like love.

I hope you will be happy toghether!

Good luck!


#13

Thank you zenzena,

There is a lot of truth in what you are saying. Not exactly the same circumstances in this marriage, but a lot of similarities. Most of your suggestions I have already implemented into my daily life recently. I am praying God soften her heart and allows faith to guide her decision.

I will do anything for her and my children, they are my everything and I can’t imagine my life without them. She knows how much pain I am in and is seeing that I am proving my love for her, but she says it is still to late.

I will never give up, and feel the Blessed Mother will guide me through this. I feel it was her that brought us together in the first place and I must place this in her hands.

Thank you and everyone for all the kind words, thoughts and prayers. We must fight the good fight of faith, May God bless you and your family always.


#14

[quote="zenzena, post:12, topic:240830"]

If she came to that conclusion and is so certain and determined - it only means that all the suffering, second thoughts and pain she experienced you didn't realized or recognized, or you refused to listen. Or withdrawn from communication because watching TV, working or fishing was more satisfying for you. How hard is being ignored? How big gap between husband and wife must be that she can undergo such a venture (coming to terms with idea of leaving him, and becoming determined and without regrets) in her mind without him even realize that SOMETHING is going on? Can you imagine how many nights you lied by her not even realized she is agonized, sad or dissapointed?!

If your wife just decided to leave, and you have no idea why, it is just enough of a sign that you didn't payed attention to her. Many man don't pay attention to women physical need for rest while they have babies, don't help them get daily rest... I know women who were hurt and couldn't make it anymore - just because they were too tired, overworked and overstressed. Family broke because man didn't want to let woman sleep for few hours a day, or help with loundry... how sad is that! How little they should do and yet they tried to ignore that and see what happens - if they still enjoy TV time as much as they like.

When child comes from school you KNOW how it was, did he did something stupid, or is he in love. You KNOW your child, you invest time, you care, you ask, watch and dig until you find out.

But with spouse we ask, demand, ignore and try to fine tune him or her so that our life is as good as it gets - not his or her.

We don't observe, we don't try to find out, we find small talk, or big talk drudgery - it is mostly men's guilt... and when zillion little wounds and sufferings, hopes and dreams passes without togetherness, and slips beside supposedly loving person, it is just naturally our heart closes. And without faith and God it is just plain natural that we just find other source of closeness, love and support. We all need it. It is just too hard to bear all life difficulties if our spouse is distant and not open to communication.

If spouses don't deeply follow Christ, if they don't use benefit of confession and repention, if they don't really understand vow of marriage it is hard to find peace and endure.

No one but Christ is able to love unconditionaly when abandoned, ignored, trivialised, criticised, tortured... no one but Christ and people who "die to oneself and live for the God" - but people always suffer more than they can transform into love and I just can not judge anyone who says - I can't handle this anymore.

As much as having an affair is sinful, bad for the family, and plain stupid, I think that it happens all too often because human nature is made for love, but so often love turns into using us for one's own comfort.

I feel deeply for you, and your wife.

And my suggestion is that you try to go to confession to experienced priest so that Holly Spirit shows you what you can do to regain love and trust of your wife. As a woman I can tell you that it is movingly easy to regain a love of a woman who gave birth to your children.

But it asks for sacrifice, humility and selflesness; not in your terms, but in terms of her needs and needs of her soul.

And yes, she needs to repent and go to confession and understand vow of marriage more deeply, but until than if you want to save marriage - do the first step. Give her your sacrifice, love, support, showing her Christ-like love.

I hope you will be happy toghether!

Good luck!

[/quote]

This is REALLY common in marriage. The man goes on like he did before the kids came along and the woman is working her ### off. She becomes resentful and nags husband...husband wonders why she's being such a ##### and he begins to distance himself from her. She then gives up and closes off all communication with husband. Husband then begins to think that everything must be fine b/c wife is not on his case anymore...then out of the blue BAM!!! She wants a divorce and her mind is made up.

Both parties are in the wrong. Nagging someone won't get the results you want. You cannot force someoen to change. The woman has to learn to be assertive instead of passive/aggressive. Husband was at fault when he distanced himself from wife. He should have tried to understand why she was nagging all the time. He should have stepped up to the plate and let his wife go out and have a social life a couple of nights a week...let wife sleep in on Saturdays...make dinner...wash dishes...

Husbands think to themselves, "well I work all day; why should I have to come home and make dinner; wash dishes???"

Well...wife worked all day too whether or not she has a job or stays at home...she worked all day too and she's very tired.

Both parties are at fault and it tends to lead to divorce. How sad!

OP...if you can better understand what led up to this point, you can perhaps save your marriage.

I second a Retrouvaille weekend instead of Marriage Encounter.


#15

check out Wife Wants a Divorce thread. There's great information in there also.


#16

Pray Blessed Mother, I will too, that is wisest decision we can make!

But, don’t forget that no one leaves the one who loves THEM dearly. Loving WIFE and KIDS is lame if you don’t love Mrs. xy as SHE is, and kids who they are.

My hubby always says how much he loves me, but has no idea what I like and dislike, what I need and what I think.

He says that my thoughts burden him, that is he tired and bleak when he has to do things I love, and constantly buys me presents I dislike. For 8 years…

And so he loves me, would do anything for me, likes me…realy does… :rolleyes:

Honestly, if it wasn’t for God, and for the children’s sake I wouldn’t stay in this marriage not a second more.

What would be the point?


#17

Thank you Serap,

I see what you are saying here, unfortunately I caved in to her wishes for going out way to much and this caused strain in our marriage. We tried to work through the issues and came to a compromise a year or so ago. We were both happy from this compromise (or so I thought) and I felt our marriage was going great.

We have had a very loving family life together until a few months ago when she started shutting me out of her life. I begged her to talk to me and let me know what is wrong because I could see and feel the distance she was putting between us, but she continually told me it was in my head and we are fine. I started looking for reasons for the withdraw and Red Flags for an affair started popping up everywhere. I couldn't (and still don't) believe this could be my good Catholic Wife's life but with all her outings with "friends" I don't know and am not allowed to meet, the signs are hard to ignore. She still tells me there is nobody else and I have to believe her for our marriage sake.

Again, I have to leave it in God's hands and place all my trust in him and the Blessed Mother. I feel it was the Blessed Mother who put us together to begin with.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. May God bless you and your family always.


#18

Well, it’s one thing to own your part, it’s another thing to have people justify an affair. Your wife is wrong if that is what she is doing. No one deserves to be cheated on, I don’t care how inconsiderate you have been. NOTHING justifies adultery, so don’t blame yourself in any way for her immoral choice. IF that is what it is, and it does sound as if something is going on, then SHE made that choice and SHE is wrong in it. The previous poster almost made it sound like you are the party to blame in all of this.


#19

[quote="zenzena, post:16, topic:240830"]
Pray Blessed Mother, I will too, that is wisest decision we can make!

But, don't forget that no one leaves the one who loves THEM dearly. Loving WIFE and KIDS is lame if you don't love Mrs. xy as SHE is, and kids who they are.

My hubby always says how much he loves me, but has no idea what I like and dislike, what I need and what I think.

He says that my thoughts burden him, that is he tired and bleak when he has to do things I love, and constantly buys me presents I dislike. For 8 years...

And so he loves me, would do anything for me, likes me...realy does... :rolleyes:

Honestly, if it wasn't for God, and for the children's sake I wouldn't stay in this marriage not a second more.

What would be the point?

[/quote]

If his wife had an affair, the blame is on HER for that choice. NOTHING he has done justifies that betrayal. So if he hasn't been reading her mind, he deserves this? Stop blaming men for everything that goes wrong in a marriage! We women expect men to read our minds and then we lash out when they can't! When your finger is pointing outward at someone else, three fingers are pointing back at yourself!


#20

Thank you TheRealJuliane,

In my heart I want to believe that it is all the little things she is claiming that caused her to give up on “us”. I don’t want to think that there is a possibility she could be cheating, I don’t see this as part of her moral upbringing.

To know she is willing (even if begrudgingly) to go to Retrouvaille with me gives me a shred of hope to hold on to. I love her with my heart and soul, and would put my life down for her and the kids. I told her this (and am trying to show this as well) and she still says there is nothing left to work with.

I must remain strong, and keep the faith. God want’s what is best for us, and I know this is not what her would want. I am willing to do whatever it takes but I need her to allow “us” another chance.

May God bless you and your family today and always.


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