I have been reading the forums for a while, and have truly gotten some great advice through searching for situations similar to ones I needed help with...but I am at a loss with how to deal with this situation,and I hope you all will have some advice for me:
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We were both 20 years old when we got married. We dearly loved each other but we were understandably immature and honestly didn't know a thing about making a marriage work. We had trouble in our relationship and really didn't know how to work on it. We had been married only a short time when I changed jobs. I worked around a lot of men who paid me a lot of attention. I did a lot of flirting, but there was one man in particular that I felt a huge attraction for. The feelings were mutual, and eventually he kissed me. I did not sleep with him, but there were other physical things that took place.
Surprisingly, at that time, I felt little guilt (and I am someone who feels guilty for anything I do wrong!). By this time I had been at this job for a couple of years and my relationship with my husband had gotten very strained.
However, I really feel the man upstairs intervened for me at this time, because my workplace underwent some major changes and I felt as if I had to quit my job. After I got away from my workplace I had a clear head and realized what a mistake I had made. I decided I should try to treat my husband the same way I treated this man at work that I had feelings for.....
And a truly amazing thing happened. My husband and I got closer and closer, little by little. My husband has turned out to be the most amazing man in the world, and I made a vow to myself that I would make up for my past behavior and I would be the best wife anyone could ever be.
For the next several years, every time I would think things couldn't get any better, they would! I now have the most amazing marriage I could ever imagine. We are really best friends. And it has been 7 years since the huge mistake I made with the other man. I have had occasional pangs of guilt, but for some reason, now, after all these years, I have started feeling guilty about more and more often. I can't stop thinking about what I did. It seems to pop up at the worst times (when we are on vacation having fun, when I am ill and my husband is being wonderful taking care of me, etc)...I start to feel unworthy of his love and devotion.
A few years ago, I told my husband that I felt guilty about some things that had happened....that I hadn't slept with anyone else, but I still had been unfaithful. He just hugged me as I cried...he said that it was in the past, that we all make mistakes, and that I needed to not be so hard on myself. He said he didn't want details and that we needed to just focus on the here and now.
But all I can think about are the "details". I don't want to tell him everything that happened just to make myself feel better, but I do not know how to get over this guilt. I don't think he would leave me if he knew everything that happened, but I am afraid it would do serious damage to a beautiful relationship.