Need advice about my ex-husband and his wife


#1

I am on friendly terms with my ex and is wife. In fact, she and I occasionally email each other. She sent me an email this week asking me questions about my experiences with her husband (my ex). She talked about how unhappy she is in her marriage and wanted advice woman to woman. She also asked me not to say anything to my son. I’ve been very careful not to say anything much about my ex and instead focused on my own faults in the marriage. I also told her how happy he seems in photos - more so than with me.

Basically, I’m trying to counsel her on how to save her marriage to my ex-husband, but from what she has written, she’s already made up her mind to get a divorce. However, I feel awful keeping such a secret from my son. I feel as if I’m somehow taking sides with the ‘enemy’. I didn’t ask her to share all this with me and wish I didn’t know.

She said she doesn’t want my ex to hear about a divorce before she tells him, but this is a tremendous weight on my shoulders. I don’t want to tell her secret, but I also want to protect my son’s father. In fact, I’ve never even met h er - I only know her through a few e-mails.

I’ve talked with my priest, who really couldn’t help much - sort of said sit quiet and see what happens.

I’'d love to hear what others here think.

Thanks


#2

My step-mom did this with my mom and when it became to heavy of a burden for my mom my brother (who was in his early twenties at the time) called my step-mom and told her to never call my mom again about her problems with my dad. My step-mom is still with my dad and they are still as miserable as ever. You should let your ex’s wife know that her problems are hers and that it is none of your business and that she needs to find someone else to talk to. Let her know that you wish the best for your son and that is all that matters to you.


#3

Wow you are a strong women to be able to be so friendly with you ex and his wife. My parents continued to talk after their divorce and everyone behaves at graduation and weddings but i can’t imgaine my mom confiding in my step mom lke your ex’s wife is. She has put you in the weridest of sitations. I know you want to protect your son and ex since it sounds like she wants a divorce but you are not a God nor her medical or spiritually advisor so you can’t fix things or save anyone. You ex decided to marry her and you don’t know the full situation beyond what she says the sistuation is. My suggesting is don’t get involved. Tell her that you appericate her confiding in you but you can’t help her beyond suggesting that she see a consuler. You didn’t say how old your son was. IF he is an adult then if it comes up just say “Your step-mother sent me an email and it sounds as if they are having some issues. Keep her in your prayers.” I don’t think he needs to know any specfic because your not taking sides. You just happen to be the person that she happened to vent to. Werid choice but her choice never the less.


#4

Sorry, I should have said my son is grown with a wife, daughter and another on the way,.


#5

Goodness!!! Perhaps you could tell her you are praying for you and suggest counseling? There is a chance that they could stay together too and this could all blow over.

The fact that she is confiding such personal details to you seems odd to me. Especially since you have never even met this woman face to face! And as far as telling your son, you are not obligated to tell him…nor should you. What good would it do? This woman told you information that you should not have even been told in the first place…why would you pass that on as more gossip? Besides, what is your son supposed to do? He has a pregnant wife and family to worry about. If he finds out his dad is getting divorced tomorrow or he finds out several months from now what difference will it make? I would bet you are probably not the only person she is gossipping about her marriage problems too. This woman needs prayers more than anything. Maybe she is just seeking sympathy. Tell her you care but you feel funny giving her advice and stop doing it even though it will be hard. Hope this helps a little.


#6

It helps a lot. I, too, thought it was odd that she would confide all this to me. She told me she has been unhappy since she got married and cries herself to sleep every night. Perhaps she was looking for dirt of my ex, but why would I share it with her. My marriage was a different one from her’s.

I did suggest counseling to her, and she said it didn’t help. Frankly, I believe she’s already made up her mind; I asked her to move into his bedroom (they’ve slept separately since wedding - another tidbit I didn’t need to know) and try and stick it out a few more months. As another poster said, it could be something that will blow over and if it doesn’t, perhaps they’ve live unhappily ever after without taking any steps.

Thanks to everyone for an outsider’s view. I’m going to try and put it out of my mind.


#7

Try telling her, “I wouldn’t want to get in the way of anybody’s marriage, esp. yours. Please don’t tell me anymore.” Then, if she tells you again (and again and again), ignore the parts about her husband.


#8

Since you really don’t know her well, and she’s just emailing you… I think, now this is my opinion, that it’s possible she’s got some issues going on and she’s trying to get some dirt on her husband, (your ex), to maybe use against him or something. In a sense, maybe trying to justify leaving him as well as, maybe mentioning to him during a fight. Or even, to throw in his face.

You really don’t KNOW her that well.

Stay out of it. Tell her that it’s none of your business.

I think it was very wise to focus on your own faults in your response, very mature. Maybe she’ll see that you aren’t willing to air it all out to her and she’ll leave you alone. Otherwise, you may have to get firm with her.


#9

I think it is unadvisable in the extreme to discuss these matters with the new wife. I would recommend to refuse these discussions. This is none of your business and I seriously doubt that you could shed any disinterested light on the subject. Sorry for being so blunt, but that is my opinion.


#10

She may have been hoping to get dirt on my ex. However, my ‘dirt’ would not be relevant to her marriage. I told her in my last letter (in which I suggested she try sleeping in the same bed as her husband to make her marriage work:D ) and told her I wasn’t giving any more advice.

Haven’t heard anymore, so maybe my last letter took care of it.


#11

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