I'm fairly confident the issue with the women in my life is an issue of jealousy and misunderstanding. I know mothers can be protective of their sons and that can lead to issues. The only time there have been issues with my wife and my mom is when my wife fails to listen to what she says and misinterprets a conversation. I know this because she does the same thing with me and others. Sometimes she hears what she wants or is just not paying attention to a conversation and thinks she heard something she didn't. The issue as someone pointed out earlier, is that she goes to my sister in law with this misinformation or misinterpretation rather than coming to me. Or even if my mom/sis did do something wrong to them, why wouldn't my wife tell me. That is something we need to work on. I will take the advice and try to discuss this with her to see what I can do to help that situation although I fear that it will result in an argument. Perhaps its just girl talk or perhaps she thinks I'll go back and tell my mother (which I wouldn't) but whatever it is, we need to fix that. The issue for me is still that they have such a level of hatred to talk the way they do about someone meanwhile they are all lovey dovey with them when they are in person. The two-facedness really bothers me. I know my wife as a loving person who tries to help everyone she can so I dont understand this hidden evil face and it honestly makes me fear what she says about me.....
Oh, dude, seriously... you're heading for the abyss.
Don't know where to even begin here! :eek:
Okay, I'll just say I'm writing this as a mother, as a former daughter in law and as someone whose xh hatedhatedhated my mother for stuff she never did, or stuff he read into what she said that wasn't even there but he was paranoid and mean... so I've seen it from ALL angles.
First off... you don't like your wife much, do you? As a woman, we pick up on that real quick. We know who is in our corner. Are you mommy's precious baboo, and somehow you have ended up with an evil two-faced woman who doesn't listen to you and even if she does, she misinterprets, or doesn't hear or misconstrues what you say?
Gosh! HOW did you ever marry someone that awful when you grew up with a saint like Mom! When you say "jealousy and misunderstanding" who are you referring to? Because your mommy is a bit old to be jealous of your wife. (I'd love to hear the stories of how SHE got on with HER MIL because that would shine a whole new light on this....) And at this stage, your wife should have NO reason to be jealous of your mother, unless your behavior causes her to feel second fiddle. It's different with daughters and their mothers and some men feel cut out of a friendship there. But you are a son and your relationship with your mother as a grown man should have changed when you got married.
Your mommy doesn't need to protect you from your wife. Send her a memo if you haven't already.
Now, all the misunderstandings may not be misunderstandings, if I can read between the lines here. (it's what we women do... we never just go on words alone, when body language, tone, raised eyebrows and glances with other people in the room can say soooo much more than "How are you today, dear?"
Just that one sentence alone... can convey earnestness, compassion, love, concern, or wariness that the nutball is in the kitchen again and she might blow, and do we need to take cover under the kitchen table?
Women pick up on the secondary meanings and inflection really well.
So your wife misinterprets you too? Did nobody in your family learn to communicate effectively? Or did you just pick a bad one to marry? Because something is wrong here. Or maybe she hears VERY clearly, and YOU don't trust her enough to really LISTEN to what she is saying. In which case, how long ago did she give up trying to talk to YOU and now just finds people who will listen to her? (Did your brother also magically find a wife just like that, who also misinterprets Saint Mommy and she doesn't listen to him either?)
See... you're afraid to have an honest conversation because that will result in an argument. Why would it result in an argument? Because you will knee-jerk defend mommy and not want to hear anything bad about her? Because mommy really IS a saint and you've realized you married a shrew? Because your listening and empathy skills are defunct? Because you don't agree on much anyway? Well, if it always ends in an argument, THAT is why your wife goes to Sister in Law. Because they AGREE.