Need advice: DH & coworker friendship


#1

Hello

I am confused about whether I should feel concerned about the friendship that is budding between my husband and his female coworker.

My husband and I are both in our late twenties, married for a year with a 2 month old. DH works at a local cafe as a supervisor.

Last night when I went to pick him up, he stated that we were"lucky" to have the relationship we have where we can forgive and love each other as we do. I inquired what spurred this reaction and he told me that he an his coworker (C, early twenties) were talking about her declining relationship with her boyfriend. DH described that C was considering ending her relationship because her boyfriend was emotionally unavailable. Somewhere in the conversation she also told my DH that her boyfriend didn't believe in make-up sex. My husband expressed how sorry he felt for his coworker. He advised her to seek counseling before ending her relationship. He told me that she doesn't believe in God.

My husband is a very caring person. He likes to help people in need/trouble.

My confusion lies in whether this is an appropriate conversation for him to have with C. I have a feeling that it was just the two of them in the conversation as there tend to be only two workers at a time in the cafe. I could be over-thinking this whole thing. It's one thing to share unhappy things in your life but to openly talk about bedroom troubles to a married man worries me. I fear this women accidentally (i would hope it would not be intentional) developing an emotional attachment/dependence to my husband because he is hearing out her troubles.

I plan on expressing my concerns to my husband but I wanted feedback on what you all think. Non-Christians have a tendency of not knowing when boundaries are being crossed in conversations. My husband is the type to shut down any advances but I don't know that he will notice them in conversations, even if unintentional.

Aside from this: my DH is studying massage therapy and C requested a massage but only if I okayed it. I was going to say yes but now I'm reconsidering my answer. Am I overreacting?

So am I just crazy? Or is this something that does make sense to you all??

Thanks for reading!


#2

"Non-Christians have a tendency of not knowing when boundaries are being crossed in conversations."

I don't think it's just Non-Christians that have a tendency of not knowing when boundries are being crossed in conversations.

Being a supervisor and having this type of a conversation with a worker is
inappropriate. Personal business is generally left in the parking lot and not brought into the work place.

A massage is really out of the question. He is her supervisor and needs to act that way.

Please understand though that I am not trying to imply that something is going on between the two.


#3

I think that since he is her supervisor, those types of conversations should not happen. Now, if this was someone he had known since childhood, or something along those lines, I don't believe it's inappropriate to have personal conversations. Long-lasting friendships sometimes include personal conversations. But under no circumstances do I think it's appropriate at work, especially between a supervisor and one being supervised.


#4

[quote="jfmarm81, post:3, topic:250548"]
I think that since he is her supervisor, those types of conversations should not happen. Now, if this was someone he had known since childhood, or something along those lines, I don't believe it's inappropriate to have personal conversations. Long-lasting friendships sometimes include personal conversations. But under no circumstances do I think it's appropriate at work, especially between a supervisor and one being supervised.

[/quote]

Totally inappropriate. And it wouldn't even matter if it was a life-long friendship in my opinion. If you are friends with a member of the opposite sex, once one of you gets married, details about either person's sexual activity is off the table. Plus the fact that she told your husband that if you approved she would love a massage from him, that's also inappropriate. She's crossed the line in my book, even if it appears innocent. It wouldn't be ok if it was my husband.


#5

You're not crazy. It's not appropriate for married people to have that intimate of conversations with a member of the opposite sex. This is exactly how an innocent friendship can turn into something more problematic. It's called "avoiding near occasions of sin." My policy is that when you're married you cannot be too careful. Better to be over-cautious and avoid mistakes than to be too "friendly" and potentially cause irreparable harm to your marriage.


#6

[quote="PatriceA, post:4, topic:250548"]
Totally inappropriate. And it wouldn't even matter if it was a life-long friendship in my opinion. If you are friends with a member of the opposite sex, once one of you gets married, details about either person's sexual activity is off the table. Plus the fact that she told your husband that if you approved she would love a massage from him, that's also inappropriate. She's crossed the line in my book, even if it appears innocent. It wouldn't be ok if it was my husband.

[/quote]

I agree with this also. It has nothing to do with whether or not he's her supervisor. It doesn't matter how they know each other, it's not appropriate. The woman sounds like trouble to me and your husband is being naive.


#7

I agree that those conversation shouldn't occur in a workplace. The cafe he works at has a very relaxed atmosphere amongst the employees unfortunately so while he is one of four supervisors, they are made to all feel as equals. However that does not excuse inappropriate conversations.

Thanks for your input. Honestly, I was even considering what you two pointed out.


#8

:eek:....:dts:....:tsktsk: ! !


#9

Wow this is all refreshing to hear. Here I was thinking I was out of my mind for being concerned. No wonder I was being nudged to ask others. The Holy Spirit sure is looking out for our marriage.

Thanks for everyone's input! My husband can be naive sometimes so I will act quickly.

I sincerely believe she means no ill will but I'm not afraid to confront her if this continues.


#10

[quote="jfmarm81, post:3, topic:250548"]
I think that since he is her supervisor, those types of conversations should not happen. Now, if this was someone he had known since childhood, or something along those lines, I don't believe it's inappropriate to have personal conversations. Long-lasting friendships sometimes include personal conversations. But under no circumstances do I think it's appropriate at work, especially between a supervisor and one being supervised.

[/quote]

I have a similar view...for some reason it doesn't bother me much if my husband has those conversations (one of our mutual female friends is his supervisee) and he doesn't seem to be too bothered if I have them. Almost every single friend who would "cross that line" with either of us is mutual anyway (most of them being our old high school buddies) and they know talking to one of us is essentially the same as talking to both of us. But that's the dynamic of our own relationship and the friends we have. Not everyone marries their best friend from high school and keeps in touch with their old circle.

On the flip side, I didn't even friend my co-workers on Facebook until I left my job. For professional reasons I tend to keep people I work with at arms-length. I'd definitely nix the massage. I'm sure there's no bad motives with your husband. But he is her supervisor...that's just not a good thing to do even if it is innocent.


#11

[quote="kgm724, post:1, topic:250548"]
Last night when I went to pick him up, he stated that we were"lucky" to have the relationship we have where we can forgive and love each other as we do. I inquired what spurred this reaction and he told me that he an his coworker (C, early twenties) were talking about her declining relationship with her boyfriend. DH described that C was considering ending her relationship because her boyfriend was emotionally unavailable. Somewhere in the conversation she also told my DH that her boyfriend didn't believe in make-up sex. My husband expressed how sorry he felt for his coworker. He advised her to seek counseling before ending her relationship. He told me that she doesn't believe in God.

My husband is a very caring person. He likes to help people in need/trouble.

My confusion lies in whether this is an appropriate conversation for him to have with C. I have a feeling that it was just the two of them in the conversation as there tend to be only two workers at a time in the cafe. I could be over-thinking this whole thing. It's one thing to share unhappy things in your life but to openly talk about bedroom troubles to a married man worries me. I fear this women accidentally (i would hope it would not be intentional) developing an emotional attachment/dependence to my husband because he is hearing out her troubles.

[/quote]

The question is "do you trust your husband?" And that applies not only to avoiding sin, but will your husband avoid the near occasion of sin? One of my friends (a female) comes in from out of town to visit from time to time. Due to the EXTREMELY high cost of getting a hotel in my area, I let her stay in my guest room. My girlfriend is okay with this because she knows that not only would I avoid cheating on her, but that if I were even tempted to cheat I wouldn't allow my friend to stay at my place.

More concerning to me is the fact that your husband expressed sorrow at the fact that her BOYFRIEND doesn't believe in make up sex. First and foremost, the proper place for sex is within the marital bond. Even if, however, we were to look at it from a purely secular viewpoint, her boyfriend is STILL right not to believe in make-up sex. You cannot substitute physical intimacy, especially something that chemically affects our reactions in our brain, to make up for a lack of true reconciliation. Her boyfriend is in the right here, if they're having issues they need to truly talk them out rather than hopping into bed, and your DH should be reenforcing that view (and reenforcing that sex outside of marraige complicates emotional issues and that his coworker needs to be aware of this).

Aside from this: my DH is studying massage therapy and C requested a massage but only if I okayed it. I was going to say yes but now I'm reconsidering my answer. Am I overreacting?

Absolutely not. As a manager, if I knew this was going on between one of my workers and a person (s)he supervised, I would shut that situation down IMMEDIATELY, and if it continued I would draw up paperwork on the senior of the two. Intimate contact, even in context of a reasonably professionally given massage, between a supervisor and a worker is not appropriate. This might be less a case of denying it because you feel your husband might be tempted (or she might get the wrong idea) and MORE a case of a good wife offering her husband counsel on what is good in his job... He can certainly give her a massage when he WORKS in that context and not as her immediate superior.


#12

It sounds like she's making the moves on your husband. I would put to a stop to sooner rather than later.

1) Sex is never an appropriate topic of conversation with a supervisor at work.
2) Sounds like she using you husband as a crutch for her emotional needs....classic damzel in distress mode....even smart guys fall for that one.
3) She could turn around and accuse your husband of sexual harassment....I've seen it happen.
4) A single females personal life is none of his business more especially since she is a subordinate.


#13

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