Need advice fast


#1

I have a sister who recently got a divorce, just about two months ago. He was the one who came home one day and told her that he didn't love her anymore and wanted a divorce. She was shocked for he was suppose to be this good Christian husband.(They are not Catholic.) They met together three times when they were separated in an attempt to prevent a divorce, but he told her that she would never change and gave her a long list of things that she needed to change. Apparently, they agreed in making a list at one of their meetings of what they felt the other needed to change and his list was very long and she had a short list for him. She was very angry to say the least. Anyway, he would not listen to anyone, his parents, or even his brother in law who was a protestant minister. We all thought he was having an affair. He was seen around town with another woman and my niece, who is 23 yrs. old, who babysat the kids for him on his weekends with the kids, found evidence that he was dating someone even before the divorce was final.

Well, my sister and her mother-in-law, who is very religious in her religion, and has a strong faith, asked everyone to pray for a miracle and so we all have been doing that, but the divorce happened. The mother-in-law never gave up nor did I for they are still married in the eyes of God, but he has done things to upset my sister that she wants nothing to do with him except talk to him only in reference to their children. One day he was at her house and she asked him to leave and he said no. She got really angry and asked him again and he said no. She did not want to call the police for she did not want to do that to her kids. So she waited until he left on his own. After that incident, she hated him. She hates hearing his name. I don't know what happen or why she wanted him out of the house. My sister is very private. We don't know what happened in the marriage for all we knew they were happily married for that is what she told us, but when they were separated she told us they were in marriage counseling. She said she kept things quiet for it was their business, but I told her we all could have prayed for their marriage.

Anyway, here is my problem. My sister has been getting text messages from her ex that he wants her back. He has told this to her also in conversations. She doesn't want him back. She has not told me, but has told my mother. I have talked to my mother and asked why won't she give him a chance if he is willing now for they were married 17 years, but she just says my sisters almost hates him now. Apparently, when he asked her if he could come back home, he didn't apologize and gave her list of demands, like more sex and this upset her. I received an email from her ex's mother, for we are friends, about two mothers ago to pray for their marriage. I knew something was up. Yesterday, I hear that my sister is changing the locks on her house and the code on her garage. I did not hear this from her but from my mom again. I asked if things were that bad. She just said that my sister is tired by her ex bothering her and she doesn't want him coming into her house uninvited. I called my sister yesterday to talk to her about my mother's birthday for it was yesterday to see if we were all getting together but got my other sister and she also told me of the locks being changed and the problem with the ex text messages and emails and calls. I asked her if it was so bad that they tried to work things out and she said he has not apologized yet. At that moment I said and these were my exact words to her, "If only he would contact one of us sisters to talk to us, we would advice him to apologize for all that he has done to her and how he has hurt her and he is going about this all the wrong way, he could win her back." At that I said goodbye to my sister.

Today, I get an email from my sister's ex and in the subject line it said, "call." He asked me to please call him on his cell phone and to keep it quiet that he wants me to call him. I have not called him yet, but I think I know what it is about. I know it is no coincidence that he emailed me and that I said what I said to one of my sisters and then he communicates with me in an email. I know the Lord wants me to talk to him. I just need to be careful and I will be honest I am scared. This is a marriage and I know they are divorce legally, but if I can help in getting them back together that would be great.

I have not told this to my husband and part of me is thinking I should not call him and part of me is saying I need to call him. What do you all think? I feel the Lord is calling me to talk to him, but I don't want to screw things up. This man has a temper too, but I am use to dealing with men with tempers for I am married to one.

What is your advice? Call or not call. Get involve or not?


#2

I would seriously discuss this with my husband first. From what you've said this fellow may try to put you in the middle - him not wanting anyone to know that he wants you to call him. Why doesn't he just ring you if it's that important?

If you do speak to him (and I"m sure you wouldn't - but just in case) do not say anything about the changed locks or security codes. It sounds like he feels what he doesn't have is what is always greener - and it also sounds like with the calling, texting etc, he may be becoming a bit obsessive. Your sister is private and I can appreciate that - but if she's private and you know what you know, just think about what you havn't been told. Talk to your husband - this could get volitile really quickly. Of course, pray as well - but I would pray for your sister to discern God's Will in her life - pray that she will be safe as well - God'sWill may be that she stay as far away from him as possible - it was he who wanted the divorce. Do not let him put you in the middle - it can get very easy to get stuck in the middle when you're trying to help.
God Bless
Rye

p.s. - I can't imagine that this person is so dense that he would think that the sister would let him back without at the very least first apologizing. Something is odd there!


#3

[quote="nana3, post:1, topic:205111"]
I know the Lord wants me to talk to him. I just need to be careful and I will be honest I am scared. This is a marriage and I know they are divorce legally, but if I can help in getting them back together that would be great.

I have not told this to my husband and part of me is thinking I should not call him and part of me is saying I need to call him. What do you all think? I feel the Lord is calling me to talk to him, but I don't want to screw things up. This man has a temper too, but I am use to dealing with men with tempers for I am married to one.

[/quote]

If God wants you to talk to someone, God will give you the appropriate words.
If you have fear or desire or any sort of personal agenda within you, your fear and/or desire/personal agenda will block both your connection to God and the flow of the appropriate words.
Therefore, you must only speak to someone if you have zero fear and zero desire/agenda. Not easy, but if God really wants you to talk to someone, you will absolutely feel neither fear nor desire, nor have any personal agenda whatsoever. You cannot have a personal agenda to get them back together nor get him to apologize nor anything. You cannot have any personal agenda at all if you are to speak and God is directing you to speak.

If you feel extremely strongly that God really wants you to talk to someone, my advice is to do it.
The last time I felt extremely strongly that God really wanted me to talk with someone having serious relationship problems I was too stupid to listen to God because I argued with God, arguing that their business was for sure none of my business.... I didn't know either of them hardly at all.... and neither of them had contacted me at all.

He tried to kill her 24 hours later and spent the next 10 years in prison.
To this day I do not know if I had said anything to him, if it would have made any difference...
but honest to God, I wish I had tried.


#4

May God bless you and guide you in your own marriage.


#5

If you desire to stay in good graces with your sister, your husband and God, then you should stay out of it or talk to your sister, not her ex. Talking to your sister does not require permission from you husband. But to talk to this man, divorced cheater, I think not. I would be angry if I found this out about my wife. You make it sound like when we get angry we're tyrants. No, we're just angry, that's all. There is such a thing as justified anger too.


#6

I wouldn’t call him. He sounds like bad news. Has your sister received counseling since this happened?


#7

I really agree with Irishmom's viewpoint. There's always a lot of drama that goes on in situations like this. This opens up a whole can of worms, he-said she-said and a host of others. Avoid the drama as much as possible. Be supportive of your sister to the extent she chooses to involve you.

"At that moment I said and these were my exact words to her, "If only he would contact one of us sisters to talk to us, we would advice him to apologize for all that he has done to her and how he has hurt her and he is going about this all the wrong way, he could win her back." At that I said goodbye to my sister."

I would guess anyone in his position would be able to figure out the "apologize" requirement without secret intervention by a third party.

God bless, and hopefully you will find a way to continue to be a loving support to her in the way she prefers.


#8

[quote="Irishmom2, post:4, topic:205111"]
May God bless you and guide you in your own marriage.

[/quote]

I thank you for your statements but I respectfully disagree with you. You make it seem like I am in it together with this ex and my other sister called him to tell him to contact me so that we could talk. My other sister just happened to be at my sister's house for they live less than half a block from each other. My parents were there too. If I was there, my sister would also tell me what has happened, but I was not there. It is not as if it is a secret from the rest of the family. She doesn't want other people to know like strangers, but the reason she is private has to do with another situation in a divorce of my other sister which got so ugly that there were many court dates and child abuse. The ex of that sister is not well liked by my family and this sister wants to prevent that from happening to her ex. So she is still painting him to be a "good and nice man and father" to everyone her family and friends. That is who she is. It is not that she is keeping if from me as a secret.

I have told my husband about his man calling me. He knows all about it. He knows this man and how he is. He told me to pray about it and if I am called to talk to him to call him and if not, don't call him. My dh knows he has a temper and he knows this man has a temper. When I say my dh has a temper, I don't mean a regular temper, but a disorder. My dh knows that. He is taking medication for that, so for those of you who were offended, I am sorry, that was not my intention and I did not say all men are this way, I was talking about my dh and this man. I know both of these men.

I will be careful. I guess I have a problem in how I express myself on these threads. I speak two languages and that gets in my way and sometimes, I offend people and I don't mean too. I guess I should stop asking for advice and just trust in God alone.

Sorry to those I have offended and to those who think I am some awful person who have instigated this, you couldn't be so wrong, but my conscious is clear. I only have to answer to God and He knows me.

God Bless you all and thanks for taking the time to write to me.


#9

Greetings to all in this particular thread. I have read what nana3 wrote. I believe she expressed herself and her hesitations quite plainly. Why would she not have hesitation? For one reason this is her sister she is talking about. So she is trying not to get in the way, but she is handling this with kid gloves. I read what Irishmom wrote. I must say I was shocked. This person perports to have the right answers, but in fact she is not responding in a Christian way, but in a way that is assuming to much and at the same time being judgmental herself. How does anyone in this thread know for sure that her sister called the ex. to e-mail the OP? In my thinking based on my own knowlege as a Roman Catholic, usually a person who attacks someone with a good heart based upon not only what she wrote, but also for her love of her sister and a firm belief in the Sacrament of Marriage should not be writing anything negative or be in danger of acting as a judgmental person. If someone knows of another person who is in emotional conflicts, and that person is acting out of love, then this person is acting in impersona christi (Imitation of Christ). If you respond with love you have a better chance of obtaing your goal. Remember that Jesus said if you enter a town and are unwelcomed then kick the dust off your sandles as you leave this town. Someone who prays before acting on an issue like this is herself invoking the Holy Spirit to aid her. Jesus said he does not like divorce. So it is within reason that he may be using nana3 as an instrument of His Divine Providence.:)


#10

[quote="dulcissima, post:6, topic:205111"]
I wouldn't call him. He sounds like bad news. Has your sister received counseling since this happened?

[/quote]

No, she refuses to go to counseling. She is very strong in her faith and feels God alone is all she needs.

By the way, that you Dulcissima for not being so judgmental like some others. You gave me your advice and were to the point. I do want to clarify one thing. I did talk to my other sister, the one that Irishmom thinks called my sister's ex and told him to email me. She did not call him. Know of us has called him for our sister has asked us not to call him unless he contacts us or calls us. That is the case here. He has contacted me. What Pilot said is what I believe. I did not express myself correctly. I believe Divine Providence intervened. No one in our family called this man and after I made that statement he emailed me. What am I to think?

I have prayed about it and so far, I have honored what this man has asked me to do. I have talked it over with my husband and one of my cousins who is a psychologist and holds a PhD. I am waiting on her response. I have felt in my heart to talk to my sister before calling her ex. I know he doesn't want me to do that, but that is what I feel is right. If I know her like I think I do, she is going to tell me to go ahead and call him and see what he wants. But I will give her the honor of letting her know he contacted me.


#11

I am pretty concerned about your description of the way the ex is treating your sister. It is totally lacking in respect for her as a person.

1) He said he didn't love her any more and wanted a divorce
2) He wouldn't leave her home when asked
3) He not only didn't apologize and come back to her with a list of demands, including sexual demands.

He sounds like someone who views your sister as a tool for his own pleasure. It's no wonder your sister doesn't want him back after seeing what it is like to be away from him.

For your sister's sake, please let her deal with this on her own.

If your sister's husband is truly sorry, he doesn't need you to tell him to apologize.

I know your heart is in the right place, but I don't think that this is a situation that you should become involved, other than to offer support to your sister.


#12

Thanks Dulcissima for responding. I am not going to ask my ex BIL to apologize to my sister. I prayed about it and I was just going to listen to what he had to say. But after today, I called my sister for I felt I needed to know what was going on. There is a lot going on and this man is very manipulative and controlling. He has a bad temper which I knew about, but my sister always denied in her married life. Let me just say my sister is afraid of him now and I recommended after hearing her today, that she file for a restraining order. She told me another person told her the same thing. This man, her ex, is almost obsessed with her. He wants her back but is not humbling himself or groveling like you think a man would who really wants to get his wife back,but is demanding this and that and telling her that she needs to change this and that about herself and he doesn't need to change anything about himself. After listening to her, I came out and just asked her what she wanted me to do, call him or not. She asked me to call him and tell him to leave her alone. She said that she has been praying for days for a person to intervene to talk to him to tell him to leave her alone and maybe it was me since he contacted me. So I will call him. I will listen to what he has to say. I will tell him to back off and leave her alone and that they are divorce now and he needs to accept that and move on with his life. That is what my message will be. I don't know what else he will tell me. I will also tell him that I will not keep secrets from my sister and that all he tells me she will know.

Thank you all for listening and your advice. If I can ask you please to pray for my sister. The situation is bad. She is scared of him and she hates feeling that way. Please pray for her. Thanks.


#13

He has a temper and you think he is dangerous? No. No. NO. Absolutely DO NOT contact him, not to listen to him, not to reason with him, not to tell him what to do…not to ask him about the weather. Get her legal help if she needs it, get her some place safe where he cannot contact her if you can, but avoid getting him into any contact with your sister or anyone connected with her, directly or indirectly.

Why? Because if you are dealing with someone you believe to have a controlling or sociopathic personality to the point that he is dangerous, what you need to do is get your sister off of his radar, not get yourself onto it. If he turns out to really be dangerous, anyone on his radar could be in danger. The way to get off of his radar is to not give him any kind of drama to obsess on. Don’t give any opinions on his situation. Be as calm, non-engaging, and as non-dramatic as possible. Better yet, just be impossible to get in touch with.

If he has not listened to her, he is not going to listen to you. The best thing that could happen is that he will totally ignore you. The worst that could happen ranges from hurting you to going to her and using threats against you as leverage again her, or just that he could fly into a rage because he feels he is being “ganged up” on.

The best advice I could give you is to take your sister tomorrow and go to a women’s shelter for advice on what to do and how to keep her safe. Maybe they will be able to talk her into counselling, but at the very least they may be able to impress upon her how dangerous her situation could be and what real practical steps she can take in order to be as safe as possible. Your relative with the background in psychology might also be able to help you find an expert in this area.

Your sister doesn’t just need counselling. She needs a counsellor with experience with this issue. He could be going through a short-term thing that will blow over, but this could also really could be a life-or-death matter. Try to convince her not to mess around.

Good luck, and God bless you!


#14

I don't know whether you have already called him or not, but if not, when you do, I would suggest that it be a brief call, asking him to not contact her. Don't engage him in any kind of discussion of any sort. Better yet, call a domestic violence hotline for their advice on how to handle him. I don't know if asking him to stop contacting her would make him angry and more determined. I know with my ex, he would be livid if a woman contacted him and told him what to do, and he certainly wouldn't do it, even if it were in his best interest.


#15

I have not contacted him and think it is in my best interest not to anymore. Things have changed and I have more information. My niece baby sits my nephews when he has them and she has told me more scary things. I have told these things to my sister and have adviced her to get an attorney. We both came to the same conclusion. He is following her. Then my niece today told my sister something else. My niece when on vacation with my sister to a resort not far from here. She invited us all to come down for the weekend, but I only sent my daughter off with my parents. On one of those days, my nephews, my sister’s boys claimed to have seen their father’s car and their father. They told my niece, who is 23 years old, “There is daddy!” She looked but the car was gone. They swear it was their father and she just dismissed it as so many people have the same car, but told this to my sister today. She was going to question my other niece, who is 13 yr old, for she may have seen the car and him too. Needless to say, this is scaring her. I called my other sister, the one who has the 13 year old and told her that I don’t think she should go to his house tonight to baby sit for she was going tonight. I don’t like it that my 23 year old niece is involved with him either. I agree now, he is very dangerous.

I advised my sister to take this seriously. What she doesn’t know is that I have been talking to our cousin who is a psychologist and she is very scared of his behavior and believes he can snap at any moment. I have not told this to my sister yet. My cousin told me a sad true story of a friend of her husband who was a mild, quiet man who would not hurt a fly. This man committed suicide after killing his ex-wife in a very violent way. He hit her head against the toilet bowl and then took a hammer to her head. So she said her husband could not believe it, but it happens. She warned me to warn my sister. I think my sister needs to talk to her and she would know who to refer her to, as you said. She use to live in this area and knows all the psychologist in this area too for she has moved since.

My ex- BIL did contact me again in an email, but all he wrote was, “Have you told anyone that I have contacted you?” I have not responded for then our computer stop working after that and my hubby wasn’t home to fix it. Since then I also found out that he has also already approached my dad and this has angered my sister too. Thank God my dad told him that he will not get into the middle of this all and it was between him and his daughter, but he did try using his own son to get my dad to talk to my sister. He said his son was so troubled for his mother is sad and alone in that big house and that he would be happier if mommy and daddy get back together. Can you believe that? Those are his words that he told his son. He made his son promise to keep it a secret but his son told his mother for it was bothering him. He is using the kids. He is scum.

I didn’t know him that well when they were married for he didn’t come to many family functions, but my sister is now realizing she lived a life of lies. I will give her the advice you said, but I will wait and see what her lawyer tells her too.


#16

I am from the email generation and if I got an email from another man that had married into my family and divorced out of it by choice that said, "Call." like i was some kind of dog my dh would have his own words to say to that man.

Enough said.


#17

I'm really not surprised to hear all of that. Best to support your sister and help her get her head back on straight.


#18

[quote="dulcissima, post:17, topic:205111"]
I'm really not surprised to hear all of that. Best to support your sister and help her get her head back on straight.

[/quote]

Thanks and yes I am supporting her. She is not going to her attorney just yet and I don't know her reasons why. I do know that her ex has not stop bothering me now. He keeps emailing me. She told me he will not stop now either. She is meeting with him tomorrow and really doesn't want to, but he is the one who insisted. I called her to tell her what he wrote in his last email that I should be praying for my sister for she is going to be making the biggest mistake of her life. He doesn't get that he was the one who asked for the divorce and she asked for a separation trial to see if he needed time apart and he insisted on a fast divorce. She is living in fear. I hate to see her like this. I also advised her to call those abused women hotline, not that she is abused of physically, but emotionally and she admits to that. I hope she takes my advice. Please, pray for her.


#19

Praying that your sister remains strong and firm in her meeting with him.


#20

[quote="nana3, post:1, topic:205111"]
*He was the one who came home one day and told her that he didn't love her anymore and wanted a divorce. *

*he told her that she would never change and gave her a long list of things that she needed to change. Apparently, they agreed in making a list at one of their meetings of what they felt the other needed to change and his list was very long and she had a short list for him. She was very angry to say the least. Anyway, he would not listen to anyone, his parents, or even his brother in law who was a protestant minister. *

*One day he was at her house and she asked him to leave and he said no. She got really angry and asked him again and he said no. She did not want to call the police for she did not want to do that to her kids. So she waited until he left on his own. After that incident, she hated him. * RED FLAGS WAVING HERE

Anyway, here is my problem. My sister has been getting text messages from her ex that he wants her back. He has told this to her also in conversations. She doesn't want him back.

Apparently, when he asked her if he could come back home, he didn't apologize and gave her list of demands, like more sex and this upset her. I received an email from her ex's mother, for we are friends, about two mothers ago to pray for their marriage. I knew something was up. Yesterday, I hear that my sister is changing the locks on her house and the code on her garage. I did not hear this from her but from my mom again. I asked if things were that bad. She just said that my sister is tired by her ex bothering her and she doesn't want him coming into her house uninvited. I called my sister yesterday to talk to her about my mother's birthday for it was yesterday to see if we were all getting together but got my other sister and she also told me of the locks being changed and the problem with the ex text messages and emails and calls. I asked her if it was so bad that they tried to work things out and she said he has not apologized yet. At that moment I said and these were my exact words to her, "If only he would contact one of us sisters to talk to us, we would advice him to apologize for all that he has done to her and how he has hurt her and he is going about this all the wrong way, he could win her back." At that I said goodbye to my sister.

Today, I get an email from my sister's ex and in the subject line it said, "call." He asked me to please call him on his cell phone and to keep it quiet that he wants me to call him. I have not called him yet, but I think I know what it is about. I know it is no coincidence that he emailed me and that I said what I said to one of my sisters and then he communicates with me in an email. I know the Lord wants me to talk to him. I just need to be careful and I will be honest I am scared. This is a marriage and I know they are divorce legally, but if I can help in getting them back together that would be great.

I have not told this to my husband and part of me is thinking I should not call him and part of me is saying I need to call him. What do you all think? I feel the Lord is calling me to talk to him, but I don't want to screw things up. This man has a temper too, but I am use to dealing with men with tempers for I am married to one.

What is your advice? Call or not call. Get involve or not?

[/quote]

I was troubled by several things I read about his behavior in this post. He sounds controlling to me. Now he's trying to control you. I would watch out and support your sister in her decision to have nothing more to do with him and she's right when she says her marriage was her business. It sounds like she gave a good go at trying to work it out but he wasn't there too. I would just stay out of it and pray for Gods will in this matter. He seems like a classic emotional abuser to me but it's hard to say for sure. The fact that stands out the most to me is that he didn't leave when she asked him to....that says a lot. :shrug:


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