need advice please


hello, am roman catholic and my boyfriend is jewish we have been together for 6 years now we both love eachother very much and are thinking of getting engaged and later married. But of course being catholic i want my church wedding with the priest, i want my children baptised and all my family and friends there. I wont convert cause i have been thru alot in my life and if it wasnot for my catholic faith i wouldnot be here. So, this is extremely important to me and of course my family. Am scared that what happens with my boyfriend wont convert which doesnot bother me to tell you the truth but i do want my church wedding and my kids to be catholic just like me i really hope this is not a problem cause i love my boyfriend with all my heart. why is it a problem??? i pray everyday that everything will be ok. I HOPE IT WILL CAUSE I TRULLY LOVE HIM. HELP I NEED SOME ADVICE ANYONE OUT THERE HELP ME my boyfriend is coming down thrusday to ask me to get engaged… so i really need some advice on how to talk with my boyfriend about this issue b4 we get engaged. thanks


A priest would probably be a better person to talk to but it would seem that you are seeing the reality of the situation. Ask yourself what God wants you to do and be open to the answer. It’s good to think about your future children. It’s about what would be best for their spiritual welfare. Many prayers.


There is instruction the vatican II post councilliar documents on this (and other inter-religious cases)… and it’s explicit.

I just can’t get to my copy to look it up.


I’m Catholic and my husband is Jewish. Marrying someone of a different faith will complicate your marriage. It’s not impossible to make it work, but it will add some dificulties.

Even if your boyfriend says he will allow your future children to be raised in the Catholic Church, he may change his mind once they are born. Everything changes when you have children.

You may want to think about how you will explain to your children why their father doesn’t attend Mass with the rest of the family. And how you will respond if they want to see what their father’s religion is about, and want to go to synagogue with him.

My husband objects to me doing anything with the Church other than Mass on Sundays. This has caused problems in our marriage and we have both had to compromise on this issue, and neither of us is particularly happy with the outcome.

I love my husband and have no intention of leaving him, but if I had been practicing my faith when I first met him I probably would not have married him due to our religious differences.

As another poster said, the best thing is to discuss this with your priest.


Please consider what you are asking bf to do, go against one of the strict teachings of his own faith, to marry a non-Jew and what that will mean for his family. Even if they are not observant, most Jews understand that it is the mother who passes on the Jewish identity to the child, so for a a Jewish man to marry outside the faith means his children will not be Jewish, a tragedy. If they are very observant, it may mean cutting him off from his family completely. There is a lot more to marriage than love. Love means loving the entire person, their identity, heritage and what is essential to them. If your religion is not essential to you now, it should be, and your first priority should be getting straight in your relationship with God and basing crucial decisions like whom and when to marry on discerning God’s will for you.


If religion is really important to either one of you, you will find someone who shares it to marry and make kids with. This is not a trivial, background issue.

The PP was right, everything changes when you have kids. What happens when your first son is born, and he reneges on the Catholic baptism, wants a bris, and looks forward to a Bar Mitzvah? (Although, he would have to put the child through a formal conversion, which a bris would be part of, as the mother must be Jewish for the child to be considered Jewish.) What happens when he tells your children that Jesus is not the Messiah, and that the Messiah has not come yet? What happens when you tell the children that the Jews are wrong, that Jesus was not only the Messiah, but the Son of God? The Pharisees, the keepers of Jewish law, engineered Jesus’ crucifixion because he called himself God’s Son and said he could forgive sins! (This is not anti-Semitic “the Jews killed Jesus” stuff. Just pointing out what happened in the Bible.)

You said you would not convert because your faith is so important to you. Well, if it’s that important, you should build a family with that faith at its center. A lot of times in these situations where the parents are different religions, the children end up growing up with NO faith. And that’s not good for anyone.

Love, by itself, is not enough to make an exclusive lifetime union work. Compatibility in other areas is important, and religion is the biggest and most vital of those. Often, young single people will claim their religion is not important enough to refuse marriage to someone of a different faith. BUT when children are born, people usually have a strong desire to reconnect with the things that were important in their childhood. The desire for tradition, stability, and supportive community surface, and most people look to the faith community they were raised with for those things. Suddenly, those young single people who really didn’t care about their religion realize how important it is to them, and that they do not want to let go of it, regardless of what they said at the time of marriage. Then, religious war in the household, whether outright and declared, or subtle and quiet.

Shared faith is such a cornerstone of my own marriage. We would not be as united, stable, happy, or compatible as we are without it.


You have the obligation to do your best to bring up the children as Catholics. Before, the obligation was not even to do your best, but simply to do. And to bring the spouse to Catholicism or keep working on it. As for the ceremony, it can be done outside a Catholic church if you obtain the appropriate dispensation from the appropriate bishop (normally yours).


This is not something to be taken lightly at all.

I understand 6 years is a long time, but I am sure that the rest of your life will most likely be much longer than that. You most likely will have children. I guarantee you this will be an issue, even if it is not now.

You are charged within the Bible to find someone “equally yoked” to you. There is a reason, founded in logic and theology both, for this.

I HIGHLY suggest you visit a priest immediately, alone, and with your boyfriend both - and certainly BEFORE you get engaged.



I concur with the others: DO NOT TAKE THIS LIGHTLY!!!

My wife isn’t Christian (though she was raised in a nominally Lutheran ELCA Home), and I didn’t realize that until after marriage. She agreed to, and is living up to, raising the children in the Catholic Church.

11 years and counting, and a large part of our difficulties are around my faith. Most specifically, around her not being willing to let me attend the seminary. (And I’d ask you to pray for her reconversion from apostasy.)

She has recently become active at the church, participating in the Bell Choir… and it has made life much easier…


I will pray for God’s will to be done for your situation. I hope it gets worked out.

I know I could never marry anyone who was a different religion. All the struggles with the spouse and kids, the personal hurt and loneliness in having to be alone with my faith in my own house. The arguments and possibly being kept back from worshiping the way I want just because the person I married doesn’t like it. No Way. Its not worth it, no matter how much love there is. Those who do it, I pray for. Because it has to be a lonely life spiritually.


Spiritual loneliness is a scary perspective.

closed #12

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