My husband and I have been married for 10 years. As with most couples, we have had our share of good times and bad times. However, over the years there are many serious issues that have come up that have not been dealt with. Unfortunately, my husband seems completely oblivious to the problems and the effect they have been having on me and the family.
To begin, there is zero communication going on between us (unless you’re talking about things that are important to him only - his job, hobbies, family, etc…). Imagine the last time you fought with your spouse and they gave you the “silent treatment”, well it’s like this 24/7 in our house. I’ve tried opening up to him so many times but he doesn’t seem to acknowledge my feelings. It hurts so much that I don’t want to talk to him anymore. Our issues aren’t resolved, just pushed under the rug. I don’t know how to get his attention anymore…
When I became a wife, I promised to put my husband first in my life. It seems my husband forgot his end of the bargain. For example, if we’re having a conversation about what to do on a specific day, my husband and I will begin to exchange ideas, and no doubt one of the children will interrupt the conversation. “Daddy, let’s do this…” Then, I have to remind them not to interrupt us. But the fact is that 9 times out of 10, he’ll go with whatever the children want to do, even if that means that I can’t/won’t want to come along. Our date nights are few and far between, but his outings with family/friends are far more frequent. We’ve spent ONE weekend away from the kids EVER, but he’s once again going to see a concert out of town with his brother.
I’m not getting the sense that he respects my need to have interests either. He keeps telling me that I need hobbies, but then he spends his time telling me that they’re pointless… If I’m on CAF, he’ll tell me that I need to do other stuff with my time. I don’t tell him that his hobbies are pointless… He spent at least 10 hours doing guitar tabs this weekend while I just sat next to him. He’s a past alcoholic and seems to spend ridiculous amounts of time on unimportant things like this, it just makes me feel like I don’t exist to him. Why would he spend so much time doing these things when we could be talking? But I don’t know how to tell him without him getting angry at me. So it’s not OK for me to spend 30 minutes on CAF, but it’s OK for you to spend 5+ hours NONSTOP doing guitar tabs???
As for our sex life, it’s okay. Unfortunately, it’s the only thing that differentiates us from other unmarried folks. The monthly talk about being open to children is something I dread to say the least. He basically almost ridicules me for even bringing it up. His idea is that we are done having kids… I’m open to having more someday, maybe now is not the best time, but I can’t help but wonder what would happen if we had an “oopsie” baby.
I’ve tried bringing up these issues with my husband several times. Many times these conversations end up as shouting matches. When he does take them seriously, he does so for a few days and then it’s back to normal. I’d really like to go for couples counselling, but our insurance will only cover two more visits this year (I’m in counselling for my own mental health issues). And the whole idea of spending money on counselling, to him that would be the greatest waste of money. The hundreds of dollars could go toward the trip with his brother, or a new musical instrument, after all…
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a ghost, invisible to him. If I weren’t Catholic, the solution would be easy: just pick up my bags and go. There is so much tension, the kids are really picking up on it, but he isn’t!! I don’t want my children to think that this is what marriage is, but at the same time, I don’t know that separation is the best approach. I want to heal our marriage and rid myself of my feelings of hurt and resentment.
Please pray for the reparation of our marriage.