Need Advice Regarding Unfaithful Husband


#1

Before I ask my question, let me say that I am new here and a little afraid to post my question. When I've tried to ask others for advice or help, they just tell me how awful my husband is and that I should leave him, he's abusive, etc. I would like to ask, if possible, that you please try to be kind because I just feel so alone and need guidance.

I am a practicing Catholic. My husband, though raised Catholic does not practice his faith and only attends Church on Christmas, Easter, our sons baptisms and First Communion. He never mocks my faith in front of our kids, but sometimes teases me in private about believing in Heaven and Hell.

Five years ago, while I was pregnant with our second child, my husband fell in Love with a younger co-worker. He was honest with me about their relationship from the start and never hid it from me. He confirmed my suspicions they were in love when our son was 2 weeks old. I fell into a deep depression and felt like I didn't want to live. My two sons were all that kept me going. My husband ended up having a two year affair with this woman while I did nothing. I had no where to go and no job to support me and my sons and honestly, I still loved him and didn't want to leave. And he didn't want to leave either. He confessed to me, he wanted two wives. When the other woman learned he wpouldnt leave me, she dumped him and he was devastated.

He became suicidal and wanted me to pick up the pieces.. I tried to mend him and hold our family together while trying to launch a career as a writer of my own. He often blamed me.

I tried talking to my priest about it all and he told me that my husband was being selfish and to give him the ultimatum of marriage counseling or divorce. I asked my husband to go to counseling, but he refused.

I couldn't imagine a divorce, though. As miserable as I was, I believe in the sanctity of marriage and don't want to give up. My husband used to be a loving, kind, devoted, somewhat faithful (to God and me) man.

So, about a year ago, my husband met another woman and began another emotional affair. He seemed happy again. Of course, I was glad not to see him miserable and once again being a part of our family ,I've, but was also heartbroken that I don't make him happy. I do try. But he thinks he needs constant devotion from more than one woman to be happy. He says I focus too much on our kids, but honestly I feel like he takes too much of my time and energy away from our beautiful boys. I'm always trying to figure out how to keep him happy. Praying for him. Feeling like I'm dying inside from not being good enough, to stay focused on the needs of my kids.

This new woman just told my husband she can't conti ue their relationship and he is falling apart and expects me to mend him. I don't know how. I know he needs God, but he won't hear me and pushes me away when I try to talk about faith. He gets so angry at me.

Please. I don't know what to do and have no one to turn to.

I prayed the Memorare every day, asking the Blessed Mother to pray for the end of his first affair, not knowing what it would do to my husband.

Does anyone have advice, words of hope, or ideas on how to be a loving wife in this unusual situation?


#2

you already got good advice from your priest but refuse to follow it, since he is the best source of advice on your individual situation, there is not much anonymous 3rd parties can add. praying.


#3

You think a faithful Catholic should seek divorce as her first option?

Wow? I really thought this might be a place of commitment to the sacraments and belief in marriage.

I feel even. Ore alone than ever. Thanks.


#4

[quote="ConvertedMama, post:1, topic:246523"]
Before I ask my question, let me say that I am new here and a little afraid to post my question. When I've tried to ask others for advice or help, they just tell me how awful my husband is and that I should leave him, he's abusive, etc. I would like to ask, if possible, that you please try to be kind because I just feel so alone and need guidance.

I am a practicing Catholic. My husband, though raised Catholic does not practice his faith and only attends Church on Christmas, Easter, our sons baptisms and First Communion. He never mocks my faith in front of our kids, but sometimes teases me in private about believing in Heaven and Hell.

Five years ago, while I was pregnant with our second child, my husband fell in Love with a younger co-worker. He was honest with me about their relationship from the start and never hid it from me. He confirmed my suspicions they were in love when our son was 2 weeks old. I fell into a deep depression and felt like I didn't want to live. My two sons were all that kept me going. My husband ended up having a two year affair with this woman while I did nothing. I had no where to go and no job to support me and my sons and honestly, I still loved him and didn't want to leave. And he didn't want to leave either. He confessed to me, he wanted two wives. When the other woman learned he wpouldnt leave me, she dumped him and he was devastated.

He became suicidal and wanted me to pick up the pieces.. I tried to mend him and hold our family together while trying to launch a career as a writer of my own. He often blamed me.

I tried talking to my priest about it all and he told me that my husband was being selfish and to give him the ultimatum of marriage counseling or divorce. I asked my husband to go to counseling, but he refused.

I couldn't imagine a divorce, though. As miserable as I was, I believe in the sanctity of marriage and don't want to give up. My husband used to be a loving, kind, devoted, somewhat faithful (to God and me) man.

So, about a year ago, my husband met another woman and began another emotional affair. He seemed happy again. Of course, I was glad not to see him miserable and once again being a part of our family ,I've, but was also heartbroken that I don't make him happy. I do try. But he thinks he needs constant devotion from more than one woman to be happy. He says I focus too much on our kids, but honestly I feel like he takes too much of my time and energy away from our beautiful boys. I'm always trying to figure out how to keep him happy. Praying for him. Feeling like I'm dying inside from not being good enough, to stay focused on the needs of my kids.

This new woman just told my husband she can't conti ue their relationship and he is falling apart and expects me to mend him. I don't know how. I know he needs God, but he won't hear me and pushes me away when I try to talk about faith. He gets so angry at me.

Please. I don't know what to do and have no one to turn to.

I prayed the Memorare every day, asking the Blessed Mother to pray for the end of his first affair, not knowing what it would do to my husband.

Does anyone have advice, words of hope, or ideas on how to be a loving wife in this unusual situation?

[/quote]

First of all, let me tell you that I admire you. It could be easy the way out, the divorce. But you are fighting, though you are suffering and I admire you. You are not one of those passive wives the feminists blame without courage to end relationships. You have a clear vision of what lies ahead of you but you fighting impossible odds.

Your husband is sick, he is not well. As a man, from my experience with unfaithful colleagues of mine, they are not balanced people. After the 1st, the 2nd and the 3rd, it will come more and more and he does not understand that women want fidelity, want him to leave you and not be lovers.

I would tell, empirically, though I am not sure I am right:

  1. See what qualities he admires in the other women and try to develop the same behavior. I remember a friend of mine who caught SMS in her husband mobile. The lover called him sweet things and my friend told me: "I cant say those kind of sweet sentences". I told here: "Imitate. Say the same things though it is not your kind of personality to say such things. That's what he needs, give him"

  2. I would say, get him exhausted with sex. Men want sex, Women want love. For a man, it is hard to understand a woman's wishes. For a woman, it is hard to understand men's desires, but sex impulses are strong on men. So, if you get him tired, he may not, I repeat, he may not (I am not sure) wish it somewhere else, as too much sex makes one become fed up with it.

  3. Pray, pray, pray. I advise you to pray the rosary everyday. You may pray it along the day, 10 holy marys here, 10 there and in the end of the day, you have it done. And wait, wait, wait. Have hope in God. the disciples said that if divorce was impossible, then, it would be better not to get married. And Jesus replied that what is impossible for men it is possible for God.

I dont care what other people think of you. For me, you are a heroine.

I will have a prayer for you. God Bless You,:)


#5

[quote="ConvertedMama, post:1, topic:246523"]
I tried talking to my priest about it all and he told me that my husband was being selfish and to give him the ultimatum of marriage counseling or divorce. I asked my husband to go to counseling, but he refused.

Please. I don't know what to do and have no one to turn to.

Does anyone have advice, words of hope, or ideas on how to be a loving wife in this unusual situation?

[/quote]

You've already been given two real, valid choices - counselling or separation/divorce - from someone who knows your situation far better than any of us here. So, I think you need to decide for yourself what your next step is going to be.

As you're thinking about what you're going to do, keep in mind that your children are absorbing what's going on between you and your husband. You as mother need to keep your children's best interests in mind when you decide where to go from here.

I'm saying a prayer for you.


#6

Unfortunately, although you mean well and have frankly been heroic in your efforts to do the right thing by your marriage and your family, you are in much the same position as a woman who stays with her husband and tries to make up the difference and keep things together when he won't stay sober.

If you have any choice at all, you need to consider that by staying with him you may well be enabling his choice to dishonor the marriage bed. You are a victim, but you may also be an accomplice to his serious sins.

You ought to also consider that he may be in his nature incapable of honoring the bonds of marriage. It may be only you who have the capacity to do what is right.

None of us here can know, though. Please, please, find a good priest and follow his guidance.


#7

[quote="supertubos, post:4, topic:246523"]
2. I would say, get him exhausted with sex. Men want sex, Women want love. For a man, it is hard to understand a woman's wishes. For a woman, it is hard to understand men's desires, but sex impulses are strong on men. So, if you get him tired, he may not, I repeat, he may not (I am not sure) wish it somewhere else, as too much sex makes one become fed up with it.

[/quote]

I have to disagree, and very strongly....I can hardly say how strongly! Unfortunately, this solution has been tried by many many women. It is practically certain to fail. I don't say this because I know the OP, but because I have never heard of this working. It is like the idea that if a woman is perfect enough for her husband who is given to fits of rage, he'll quit throwing fits and she can have the happy home she is desparate to have. It is tried and tried and tried, and it doesn't work. It doesn't work when husbands try to "fix" their angry alcoholic or straying wives this way, either. Often, though, it succeeds in totally devastating the spouse who tries it. If it doesn't change the man who says, "I wouldn't stray if you gave me more sex", then it is surely craziness to think it will change a man who claims he needs "constant devotion from more than one woman to be happy".

I would go so far as to say that if a priest were to tell a woman to do this, she ought to find another priest. Really. The track record of this well-meant idea is that dismal.

As for the Memorare, remember the story of the man who was stuck on the roof of his house in the flood, praying for God's help. First a boat came, then another, then a helicopter, offering a rescue. But the man would not leave the roof of his home, confident that God would save him. The waters continued to rise, and he drowned. When he met his Creator after this death, he asked, "Lord, I prayed for you to save me! Why didn't you come?" And the Lord answered him, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What did you want?"

There is a reason that canon law allows a spouse to end the common marital life in the case of adultery, even if the marriage is valid. This dear heroic woman needs to find guidance for her particular situation, and she needs to know that if she leaves on the advice of a priest, she will not have failed her husband, her family, God, or anyone else. She will have taken rightful rescue from a situation that God's creation of marriage never intended anyone to endure.

I did not choose the analogy of drowning lightly. This is an extremely serious situation, and the harm that doing nothing could do is grave, indeed.


#8

I can only imagine what your husband's actions have done to reduce your sense of self-worth, self-esteem, self-image. Nor can I imagine how it has changed your view of the sanctity and constitution of the blessed Sacrament of Marriage.

Without the Sacrament of Marriage my own marriage would be as destructive ~ to my husband and I because, without the Sacrament our marriage would be devoid of God. You did not say if you received the Sacrament therefore; I cannot assume you know that, if you had, you are unknowingly (until right now) disrespecting God. The two of you brought God into the marriage when you bestowed upon each other the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. And God sees this marriage as a very serious and indissoluble contract. With God as well as with each other, since it is a Sacrament. As far as I know, no one has ever misunderstood the Catholic teaching on Marriage as being between ONE man and ONE woman.

That notwithstanding; more than one of the Ten Commandments talks about what is going on in your marriage ~ that is what it is ~ yours as well as his. Adultery, Covet, Love, (and the greatest of these is love) etc.

If you do not respect the advice of your Priest, get the advice of a different Priest. Or a Nun. Or Deacon. As a matter of fact, ANY professional. Because I believe they are all going to tell you the same thing. You may spend a lifetime trying to find someone who will tell you what you want to hear but, when that person does; you won't feel any better. Because it is in your HEART that you know it is wrong.

Keep praying Mama. And pray too for the strength to do God's will ~ not your own, and not your husband's. Think about complicity as well. I want you to grow in and believe in the pure, all-encompassing, ever compassionate love for YOU. When you do you will see that God does not want you to allow your children to understand marriage to be anything other than a Holy Sacrament, a Grace from God, that does not allow illicit sex because of a man's sex drive, ego, control issues, or other personality disorder.

Deviance is relevant. Let's stop changing the definitions of malicious actions.

I will pray for you, your children, your husband, and your marriage.


#9

[quote="ConvertedMama, post:3, topic:246523"]
You think a faithful Catholic should seek divorce as her first option?
Wow? I really thought this might be a place of commitment to the sacraments and belief in marriage.
I feel even. Ore alone than ever. Thanks.

[/quote]

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this and even more sorry that your children are having to endure through it. However, you didn't take divorce as your first option (nor should you have). You have attempted to endure through this ordeal. You've presented the option of counseling to your husband only to have it dismissed. You came here and are asking strangers what your options are... you have 3:

1) Continue to live through this situation on the hope that someday your husband will come to his senses and that he does so before it taints your children (their respect for you and him as well as how they see the sacrament of marriage).

2) Seek out professional counseling both individually and as a couple. If he refuses to go, you should still continue to seek counseling for yourself.

3) Civil divorce - Which I might add does NOT end a sacramental marriage.

I personally don't see any other options to your situation. You either live with it, change it, or leave it. Of the three option #1 will most certainly cause the greatest amount of harm both to you and your children. If your husband refuses option #2, option #3 is all that remains. Remember, your first priority needs to be to your children and they do not need to see their mother treated like this. Nor do they need to be taught that such things are "normal" in a marriage. Remember, we're talking about a sacrament and in the situation that you have described, a sacrament that is being perverted and abused.


#10

Convertedmama, you really ought to go to counseling. Even if your husband does not go with you, go yourself. Sure, it is easier for everyone else to say, "divorce him and move on" but I understand that this is hard for you. Therapy would help you step back and see the situation from another perspective. Just because you are a Catholic and a Christian does not mean you need to allow people to treat you like a doormat or 'ol reliable'. It's not being a saint to put up with behavior such as your husband's. Instead, you are enabling him to use you. You are a temple of the Holy Spirit. You are a mother, a woman, a being made in God's own image. You have a dignity and grace that are uniquely yours. Don't let anyone try to sully it with their own selfish agenda.

For your sake and for your children, I would seek guidance with a professional. God bless.


#11

Surprise! The Church has been infected by the world.

I don’t fully agree with your priest, but you have to ask yourself what you want from your marriage. A civil divorce doesn’t mean anything at all with regards to your marriage. If your marriage is valid then you will be married to this man for the rest of your life whether you get a civil divorce or not.

If you are willing to have a common life with your husband, knowing that he is and will remain a serial philanderer, then there is no reason to get a civil divorce. Staying together would also be beneficial for your children, as long as the house isn’t full of anger and fighting all the time.

If you don’t want to have a common life with your husband, then you have sufficient grounds for separation and, in that case, a civil divorce might make sense. However, don’t go into that thinking that it is a way to end your marriage, because it doesn’t, and that’s not the point anyway. The point would be to legally cement your separation and ensure that you have recourse to civil law governing your situation, if necessary.


#12

To begin, I feel terrible for you. The way our husband has been treating you is not acceptable. I can not imagine the situation and feelings you currently have. Unfortunately, the advice you have been given by your priest is the best advice you can follow, in my opinion. Obviously we all believe in the sanctity of marriage, but marriages can not be one-sided (also, if it comes to a divorce, a civil divorce does not end the sacramental marriage). And nobody is saying that divorce should be the first choice; marriage counseling should be (if your husband refuses, then maybe you should go by yourself for a while). Continuing in this relationship is not healthy for you, your children, or your husband.Typically a divorce is frowned upon because of the children. Parents have a responsibility to raise their children and to teach them morals and values. It is only fair that children have a healthy family relationship that teaches those morals and values, but it doesn't appear that your husband is teaching your children what it means to be a faithful Catholic husband.I commend you on your efforts to keep your family together, and I pray that your husband comes to his senses, but you must consider your children as the first priority. I do not agree that staying in the relationship is always better for the children. Not having a role model is much better than having a bad one, in my opinion. In the end, the only one that truly knows the situation and what is best for all parties involved is you. I will be praying for you!


#13

OK I do not mean to scare you but there are other things you have to keep in mind here. First I would not say that divorce for you at this point is a first option. You have stuck this out and you have been praying. Is it possible that God has given you this answer?

Second if you divorce there is nothing that says you cannot continue to live your vows (ie not date or remarry) but live seperately but your children will not be exposed to this. As your children grow they will catch on to Daddy's cheating. Do you want your son to think it is alright to cheat on a woman or your daughter to think that it is alright for her husband to cheat on her? We most likely get into the types of marriages our parents had.

Third you may apply for a decree of nullity after a civil divorce. It is POSSIBLE that your marriage was never valid at all. You don't know. But it will give you a chance to find out. Personally (this is my opinion) I think there may be a case that your husband may have had an intent against fidelity from what you have said. But we are not a tribunal so we cannot decide that.

Fourth - let me explain something a little scarier. STDs do not just affect spouses. An STD like herpes has been shown to have an affect on the nervous system of newborn children by crossing the placenta as well as the blood brain barrier while in the womb. This can cause lifetime affects. So your husband is not only putting you at risk he is putting your future children at risk.

Personally I do not think asking him to go to counseling is such a big deal. I think his refusal speaks volumes to his comittment to the marriage. I will be praying for you. I am very pro-marriage by the way but I also believe in being pro-what-marriage-should-be.

God bless.


#14

[quote="Will_S, post:11, topic:246523"]
Surprise! The Church has been infected by the world.

I don't fully agree with your priest, but you have to ask yourself what you want from your marriage. A civil divorce doesn't mean anything at all with regards to your marriage. If your marriage is valid then you will be married to this man for the rest of your life whether you get a civil divorce or not.

If you are willing to have a common life with your husband, knowing that he is and will remain a serial philanderer, then there is no reason to get a civil divorce. Staying together would also be beneficial for your children, as long as the house isn't full of anger and fighting all the time.

If you don't want to have a common life with your husband, then you have sufficient grounds for separation and, in that case, a civil divorce might make sense. However, don't go into that thinking that it is a way to end your marriage, because it doesn't, and that's not the point anyway. The point would be to legally cement your separation and ensure that you have recourse to civil law governing your situation, if necessary.

[/quote]

Are you saying that toleration of ongoing adultery is beneficial to children, if only there is no open conflict? Remember: this is not a spouse who has strayed and asked for a chance to reconcile. This is a spouse who maintains he has a right to defile the marriage bed, that he *needs *to defile it!

Are you saying that the traditional Church has taught that a wife must submit to a husband's choice to* habitually* commit adultery? Even the Gospels teaching the indissolubility of marriage make the point that adultery is a separate case. I do not know what teaching is older than that.

On top of this, the woman's husband has been driven nearly to suicide by this situation. This is not some "healthy but difficult" sort of family life, as if he were in the military or something. This is profoundly wrong. It is not OK for anyone involved: not the wife, not the husband, and not the mistresses. Beneficial for the children? Until when? Until they are teens and learn what their mother has allowed? I can't see how that is possible.

She doesn't have to get a civil divorce, but I don't see how taking a permissive stance on her huband's behavior when there is a choice is morally acceptable. Either he has the ability to practice continence, in which case his immortal soul is at stake here, or else he does not, in which case a marriage was impossible from the very start. Neither possibility argues in favor of tolerating the situation by choice.

I say this in terms of the theory surrounding her case, about your pronouncement that "the Church has been infected by the world", and not as a judgement of her. She really needs to see a priest, and she really needs to let go of some idea that "good Catholic women" stay around no matter what the husband does with other women. That is not and has never been what the Church teaches.


#15

By the way I am going to tell the OP something because I feel I need to. My xh alongside being an abuser and a few other things was a habitual cheater. The woman that he went to live with after he left me did contact me after he left her to let me know she had tested positive for genital herpes. It has been a year and I am clean. Thank God. He only lived with this woman for six months. So in a six month time period he cheated on her, contracted an STD, got an outbreak, and passed it to her. This is how real these things are and how closely I dodged that bullet. God does help those that help themselves sometimes as well.


#16

[quote="joanofarc2008, post:15, topic:246523"]
By the way I am going to tell the OP something because I feel I need to. My xh alongside being an abuser and a few other things was a habitual cheater. The woman that he went to live with after he left me did contact me after he left her to let me know she had tested positive for genital herpes. It has been a year and I am clean. Thank God. He only lived with this woman for six months. So in a six month time period he cheated on her, contracted an STD, got an outbreak, and passed it to her. This is how real these things are and how closely I dodged that bullet. God does help those that help themselves sometimes as well.

[/quote]

I cannot get over people who don't think habitual adultery constitutes spousal abuse. How much more clearly can he say "you are insufficient"? I realize that very often it is not meant that way, the offender does not mean to "make a statement" by indulging his or her passions, but adultery still feels not just as a violation of trust, but also like a put-down. Not everyone feels the same about it, of course, and their feelings are their feelings, but feeling humiliation is very common and entirely natural. It is not wrong or unfaithful to the meaning of marriage to refuse to be treated that way. Many traditionalists would argue that refusal to tolerate adulterous behavior is a way of defending the meaning of marriage, rather than a sin against it.

More to the point, children who are grown enough to realize what is going on will feel humiliated on behalf of the parent that was cheated on, and on their own behalf, as well. They have every right to ask, How could you do this to my mother? Adultery is a betrayal of the trust of the entire family, not just the spouse.


#17

I would recommend you seek counseling for yourself. This must be very painful for you and you need someone that will listen to you and help guide you. You can even find a Catholic counselor that won't recommend divorce automatically.

Also, find a different priest if you do not feel the first one was giving you good advice.

I will pray for you.


#18

[quote="joanofarc2008, post:15, topic:246523"]
By the way I am going to tell the OP something because I feel I need to. My xh alongside being an abuser and a few other things was a habitual cheater. The woman that he went to live with after he left me did contact me after he left her to let me know she had tested positive for genital herpes. It has been a year and I am clean. Thank God. He only lived with this woman for six months. So in a six month time period he cheated on her, contracted an STD, got an outbreak, and passed it to her. This is how real these things are and how closely I dodged that bullet. God does help those that help themselves sometimes as well.

[/quote]

That is a scary story. I am happy that you dodged the bullet.


#19

[quote="EasterJoy, post:16, topic:246523"]
I cannot get over people who don't think habitual adultery constitutes spousal abuse. How much more clearly can he say "you are insufficient"? I realize that very often it is not meant that way, the offender does not mean to "make a statement" by indulging his or her passions, but adultery still feels not just as a violation of trust, but also like a put-down. Not everyone feels the same about it, of course, and their feelings are their feelings, but feeling humiliation is very common and entirely natural. It is not wrong or unfaithful to the meaning of marriage to refuse to be treated that way. Many traditionalists would argue that refusal to tolerate adulterous behavior is a way of defending the meaning of marriage, rather than a sin against it.

More to the point, children who are grown enough to realize what is going on will feel humiliated on behalf of the parent that was cheated on, and on their own behalf, as well. They have every right to ask, How could you do this to my mother? Adultery is a betrayal of the trust of the entire family, not just the spouse.

[/quote]

Thank you - and I am sorry I did not mean to imply that adultery in and of itself is not a form of abusive behavior in that it does say to the to the other spouse - you are insignifigant. However, I just meant to differentiate between the two. Honestly I personally believe adultery to be a form of emotional abuse. It is a sin against the covenant. Just as we have a covenant with God not to worship other gods - we should have a covenant with our spouse well you know....


#20

[quote="ConvertedMama, post:1, topic:246523"]
Before I ask my question, let me say that I am new here and a little afraid to post my question. When I've tried to ask others for advice or help, they just tell me how awful my husband is and that I should leave him, he's abusive, etc. I would like to ask, if possible, that you please try to be kind because I just feel so alone and need guidance.

[/quote]

My heart bleeds for you because I know what it is to feel alone. And I do hope you sense the love in my response. But please keep in mind that guidance very often means 'needing to do what we do NOT want to do' That is why when praying for guidance, it is a good idea to pray for the strengh to do what God's will. As for your 'friends', agreed some can be cold hearted. But remember, they are human and they can only listen to the same story for a limited amount of time before their patience runs thin.

[quote="ConvertedMama, post:1, topic:246523"]
Five years ago, while I was pregnant with our second child, my husband fell in Love with a younger co-worker. He was honest with me about their relationship from the start and never hid it from me. He confirmed my suspicions they were in love when our son was 2 weeks old. I.

[/quote]

Honesty without logical follow up action is useless.

[quote="ConvertedMama, post:1, topic:246523"]
I fell into a deep depression and felt like I didn't want to live. My two sons were all that kept me going. My husband ended up having a two year affair with this woman while I did nothing. .

[/quote]

I can understand your hesitance to do anything. But from where your husband is sitting, he got a very strong message his behaviour was OK.

[quote="ConvertedMama, post:1, topic:246523"]
I had no where to go and no job to support me and my sons .

[/quote]

Yes, this is quite the predicament. Place yoru trust in God.

[quote="ConvertedMama, post:1, topic:246523"]
And he didn't want to leave either. He confessed to me, he wanted two wives. .

[/quote]

I repeat 'Honesty without logical follow up action is useless.' You never told him to choose so again, he got the message his behaviour is OK

[quote="ConvertedMama, post:1, topic:246523"]
When the other woman learned he wpouldnt leave me, she dumped him and he was devastated.

He became suicidal and wanted me to pick up the pieces.. I tried to mend him .

[/quote]

This is like the wife of the alcoholic calling her husband's work to cover for him. If he does not have to face the consequences of his actions, how can he ever learn to behave appropriately

[quote="ConvertedMama, post:1, topic:246523"]
IDoes anyone have advice, words of hope, or ideas on how to be a loving wife in this unusual situation?

[/quote]

Tough love is what he needs. Stand up for yourself. Your husband needs to learn his lesson the hard way. Follow through on the ultimatum. Counsceliing and faithfulness or divorce.

One last point. I had a friend (a woman) who watch her dad cheat on her mom from the time she can remember to the time they divorced when she was 20. The emotional scars her dad's cheating left on her are ridiculous. She can not function in society. No one likes her because of her severe control issue. Can not understand someone having a bad day and is convinced they are mad at her. And the way she lets men use her because of the example her mom set.

Your kids are boys, so society will accuse them of being 'Woman users' and they will be seen as the bad person instead of the hurt person. But trust me, your boys need a mom with a back bone.

Praying for you


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.