Well, I’ve tried to avoid this, but this time things are looking really grim. I think I’d better post this before I gather enough composure not do it, but instead suffer quietly and prolong this.
Some of you may have heard about my struggles with thoughts about my ex-girlfriend. A couple of times I’ve thought I’ve been over her and over it, but this isn’t so.
Basically, whenever I get closer with a girl - and by this I mean acquainting a little, don’t know, some playful chatter (maybe a little flirtacious sometimes), or a feeling of friendship, I begin to think of my ex-girlfriend sooner or later. It feels like no matter what I do, I can’t free myself. It’s as if it were a certain bond of loyalty or I don’t know what.
That I don’t want to involve myself with anyone, knowing I won’t have anything like I had with her any time soon and until then I will mostly see I don’t have a similarly close relationship, is not so much of a problem. I really should stay single for a while, I think.
The problem is, I still think of her, miss her, regard her as someone close. I used to pray a rosary a day for her, which I did until perhaps some two months ago, then less often, recently, regrattably, just every couple of days if at all. I still prayed for her in my normal prayers, but that’s it. Anyway. I knew she had filed for a scholarship in my country (a little bit more than 600 miles away, both in Europe), because she did when I was visiting her, but I didn’t know if she had been accepted and she wouldn’t have told me, either, since we haven’t exchanged a word online or otherwise for about two months.
I remember when we were breaking up (her decision), she said she still wanted to meet in real life, she would come to my country no matter what and so on. Well, today I asked her to let me know if she would like me to show her around, if she would be coming. She said something like, “Hello. Yes, they’ve accepted me, but I’d rather we didn’t meet at all. Hope you understand. Greets.”
It didn’t really sound protective or defensive, but rather some kind of hostile. I don’t understand where those emotions are coming from. Several months ago she said the break-up was almost uniformly a positive event for her, but she was some kind of friendly.
Before, while first she said she still loved me, later she started changing on that, telling me she only loved me as a friend or brother or something like that, that the feeling of being in love had never been strong, and so on. I was surprised actually, and it didn’t really ring true, remembering the way she acted when we were still together. It’s possible she has changed her mind on wanting to see me the same way she changed her mind on loving me, but on the other hand, if she’s coming anyway, and not coming here for me, there must be something emotional preventing her from seeing me. She can’t really say she’s so unaffected.
As for some more background info, we haven’t talked online for at least two months now (and rarely before), the break-up happened in February, it was devastating for me (still is), while she claimed not to be affected much. She supposedly felt better and as I said, the feelings were not strong in her case, according to her. Recently, I’ve been questioning myself on forgetting or being too tired - or preoccupied with work or play (more often the latter, alas) to say my rosary for her. It felt a bit as if she needed my prayer, although I make no pretence to know such things.
At any rate, I’m going to church now and hopefully I won’t decompose tonight or this weekend, since I need to finish my thesis by Tuesday evening. Just can’t allow myself to get emotional and live this through, but I don’t know what I’m going to do with this pain, how I’m going to survive the weekend, what I’m going to do in this situation.