Need advice


#1

There is a guy at my church who has shown interest in me, and even though I try to avoid him, I keep running into him. He is very nice (from what I've been told because we've never spoken to each other), attractive, does a lot for the church, etc, but there is a HUGE problem. I am too old for him. There is a 12 year age gap. He's in his midtwenties. I know he doesn't realize it, though, because I do look really young. No one ever believes my driver's license, either. I am thankful for my youthful look, but I don't want this poor guy to have any false hopes when it's an impossible idea to date each other.
Anyway, I have thought about asking some trusted friends to sort of mention my age around him so that way he gets the drift and moves on. It's already frustrating to look so young but be older without kids and unmarried. I seem to be just meeting guys who are either too young, too immature, or don't want to commit or have a family even though they're in their thirties. Dating is so frustrating already I do not need another complication. I prefer just to not date anymore because I've had so many disappointments in the past.
I feel sorry for this guy and pray a nice girl his age comes along for him. But in the meantime, how should I handle this? I'm afraid he's going to at some point try to ask me out if he gets the nerve to ever speak to me directly, and I'd like to spare him the embarrassment of realizing I'm too old.
:blush:


#2

Well, you could get a cane and a shawl... :)

I think your plan of having your friends work your age into the conversation is a great idea, IF he isn't hunting an older woman. He may know and not care how old you are. There is a subculture of young men who look for older women because they are 1) experienced 2) confidant and 3) hot!

If he were to approach you, it would be awkward, it's true, but you'd just have to be honest with him and let him know that you aren't a cougar and aren't going to become one, however cute he might be.


#3

Yeah, maybe for next Sunday since it's Halloween, I can dress like an old woman. Or just wear a t-shirt that says how old I am with, No, really, on it.
:blush:


#4

Is the fact that he's younger such a bad thing? Otherwise he sounds like a great guy. A lot of successful marriages have age gaps. It all depends on what you have in common and values,etc. You mentioned even some guys in their 30's don't want to commit and have a family. I also know a lot of guys in their 20's who DO want to commit and have a family. I wouldn't totally rule him out based on age. I would be up front with him about your age though just in case it would scare him off, to avoid future dissapointment. If he does ask you out just say sure as long as you don't mind being seen with an older woman...or something like that. Try to make it funny and lighthearted. He may not care. Especially if you look young. Unless the age gap really bothers you...then just say it's nothing personal but I think you are too young for me.


#5

I think you have received some good ideas already. I just wanted to chime in and say that I would try not to make too big a deal of it. Having someone else casually mention your age to him is a good idea ("Can you believe therese_lisieux is 3#!? She looks so much younger than that!"), but I wouldn't assume that would definitely scare him off. He may not mind.

If he does ask you out, then just be up front with him. It will be a learning experience for him.


#6

Therese,

I am a woman who got sat next to this guy when I got a new job. This guy and I, besides having to work together, started talking, started seeing each other, started making plans, and now this guy and I just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary last month–and he is 17 years younger than I am. He was 29 when we met. More than the ages, it’s the personalities of the people involved. He is my second husband (yes I need an annulment) and he is 180 degrees out from the first husband. He is Christian, has high morals and principles, financially disciplined, and is the love of my life. I was very cautious and gun-shy, as you might imagine, but we worked it out and even though we have our problems, we keep our commitment to each other in mind always. We have the rule that our marriage is second only in importance to our relationship with God. Now if you really aren’t interested in the guy, OK. But please realize that it does happen! I’ll be praying for ya. :heart:


#7

[quote="therese_lisieux, post:1, topic:217356"]
There is a guy at my church who has shown interest in me, and even though I try to avoid him, I keep running into him. He is very nice (from what I've been told because we've never spoken to each other), attractive, does a lot for the church, etc, but there is a HUGE problem. I am too old for him. There is a 12 year age gap. He's in his midtwenties. I know he doesn't realize it, though, because I do look really young. No one ever believes my driver's license, either. I am thankful for my youthful look, but I don't want this poor guy to have any false hopes when it's an impossible idea to date each other.
Anyway, I have thought about asking some trusted friends to sort of mention my age around him so that way he gets the drift and moves on. It's already frustrating to look so young but be older without kids and unmarried. I seem to be just meeting guys who are either too young, too immature, or don't want to commit or have a family even though they're in their thirties. Dating is so frustrating already I do not need another complication. I prefer just to not date anymore because I've had so many disappointments in the past.
I feel sorry for this guy and pray a nice girl his age comes along for him. But in the meantime, how should I handle this? I'm afraid he's going to at some point try to ask me out if he gets the nerve to ever speak to me directly, and I'd like to spare him the embarrassment of realizing I'm too old.
:blush:

[/quote]

Well, this may not be the advice you are looking for, but....
What makes you say he is "too young"? My Dear Wife is 16 years older than me and ours has been a spectacular marriage of 17+ years and counting. The first ten healthy and the last 7 dealing with her illness.

Regardless of the hardships, she is my soulmate and the best thing that ever happened to me.

Now - granted we were "older" when we married, she was 54 and I was 38, but I just want to say, don't disregard this man purely on age. Others have told you that he is "very nice". Why not talk to him. Perhaps it won't lead to anything - but perhaps it will.

Perhaps it will lead to the great Love of your (and his) life.

Just my 2-cents

Edit: I see that others have already suggested that an age difference isn't necessarily a big thing.

Peace
James


#8

Keep in mind that guys, on average, die seven years before their wives. So, now we're talking more about a five year difference...kinda. :)

That being said, it's your call. If you don't feel comfortable dating a man that much younger, that's okay, too. You might have someone you know in common make a comment where he can hear like, "Boy, you'd never think she was 37 years old (or however old you are). She looks so young! I wish I knew her secret." That, alone, may scare him off. :)


#9

Unless you are 24 and he is 12, there is no major conflict there.


#10

I appreciate all the input. Wow, I am kinda surprised at how many people have that kind of age difference with the women being older. I'm curious as to how you both handled that in your relationships and how you pursued her and how she responded.
I don't necessarily have any hangups about dating someone younger. I have been in a relationship previously with a guy 5 yrs younger and dated a few times a guy 10 yrs younger (his age and maturity level showed bigtime!), but I just don't know how he would react and if on down the line he would trade me in for a younger version. I know, this is just all speculation, but I can't help but think about those things. :(
He appears to be a decent person, but another thing that bugs me is that I would like a family, and I am not unaware of my age. Not that I want a child tomorrow, but I want a family and hope to have my first by the time I'm 40. I just don't know if that's possible at this point. :(
To make my relationship story short, I married at 23 (to someone the same age), we divorced 2 yrs later, he went on to marry again and had 3 kids while I shied away from relationships and marriage for a long time until I got engaged again at 33 to a non-practicing Catholic, got my annulment and soon after I was confirmed, I lost my job and he dumped me. That was a year and a half ago. A few months ago, my ex-husband passed away from cancer so now I am as single as I was before I ever got married, but I'm just scared of disappointment and continuing to meet guys who are either not Catholic, non practicing, or they don't even want a family. It's frustrating. I figure, why try anyway?
Sorry to ramble, but I pray a lot about this and struggle to trust God in all these things.
Thx again for all the input. I doubt this guy would ever get up the nerve to even ask anyway because he will even start to walk towards me to talk to me then at the last second go a different direction.
I've even thought of just going up to him and telling him to stop staring at me because I'm too old to be looked at like that. LOL!


#11

Jesus,our Lords peace be whit You.
I say this again,I do not read the ansvers others have posted to You because I don't want them to in any way affect my ansvers.
I understod so much of it that You don't want anything to happend,and that You,as I understand,don't have feelings for him. OK,I ansver whit a story,a true story from my life. When I wos 15 (1975) I fell in love whit the most beutifull girl I ever have seen since,she wos 12,and we did "date" for three days,maybe the best days in my life. Then it wos over,but we stayed best friends for moore years I wish to remember,and I can tell You honestly that when I married my x-wife,I wos thinking about her,not my soon to be wife,well,that marriage ended up in a good and welcomed divorce because I had somewhere around the way get a strong call to priesthood. Well,I never became a priest,I still have my call,and therefor live in celibacy whit my dog,and yes,I have three wonderfull kids, a son,a daughter and a step-daughter,all grown up and on their own,and now this story went a bit out of hands,but maybe I will get a Pulitzer for this one. Anyway,when we still where young,I did one moore "trye" and told her that I love her,and looks like I always will,and then this small,blue-eyed angel whit golden hair that sparkled in the sun like the morning dew,thouhed me on my chin,lightly,looked straight in my eyes and told me whit the most gentle woice I ever heard that she don't love me that way,but as a friend she did. A hardly teenager wos able to understand so much,and do all right things,well,I guess You could do the same,this story do have a sad ending,I lost her about six years ago to drugs and alcohol,I don't know where she is,and in what shape,so I also ask You to pray for her,believe me,she is worth every pray there is,and yes,I still love her,from the bottom of my heart I love her. So You go and do the right thing,I think You now know what that is,and how to do it,unless You don't love him after all,then take all Your love and give it to him,and he will give You all his love.


#12

Totterman, I do not know if there are any feelings because I don't know him at all. I've never been formally introduced to him although he's been around in the same room and group settings as I have so it's a bit premature to make that kind of call.

I'm sorry for your situation. I pray you find peace about it.


#13

Therese, do you know for a FACT he doesn't know how old you are? Granted, it's not something that generally comes up, but I'm just saying you're making a big assumption.

If you truly are not interested in him, I would find a way to make your age evident without coming out and giving the number. Discuss music you listened to in high school or something similar that properly "dates" you. That way, the message is given, but it's not entirely obvious what you're doing.

OK, now my own story. My husband and I met when I was 25 and he was nearly 40. I had absolutely NO idea. He had never been married, had a full head of dark hair and ran marathons. I thought he was in his early thirties. Now, granted, it was a crazy shock when I realized he graduated from college when I was in the second grade...that said, he is an amazingly good man. I'd have been a fool to let age get in the way. Good luck!


#14

Therese,
I tried to write my story, but frankly it was complicated, messy and there are aspects that I am not proud of. I was living a rather sinful life at the time and well........Let's just say I was justifying things that maybe shouldn't have been justified.

Very Short story -- I knew my wife for 20 years before we got together. So we knew each other pretty well. When my first marriage was ending she and I both knew very quickly that we wanted to wed. If you remember the song, "This magic moment", the lyrics go like this:
This magic moment, So different and so new.
Was like any other Until I kissed you.
And then it happened. It took me by suprise
I knew that you felt it too, by the look in your eyes.

Sweeter than wine, Softer than a summer's night
Everything I want, I have. Whenever I hold you tight.

This magic moment, While your lips are close to mine,
Will last forever, Forever, 'til the end of time
Well it's was like that song....
We did wed, but outside the church. Then a few years ago I applied for an annulment which was granted and our marriage was convalidated.

How did we handle the age difference? Frankly we never really thought about it. We'd get a kick out of it when people mistook us for mother/son and get embarassed....I would tease that, "when she graduated highschool, I graduated potty training".
Of course neither of us was looking to have kids and, in fact, she was unable to get pregnant anyway. The big thing is that we both thought alike about respect, marriage partnership, money, intimacy etc....right on down the line. I never in my life got along with another person as well as we did/do.

Of course we weren't anticipating her getting Alzheimer's at 65 yo. But that is the cross God gave us.

But you know what? I know that, if it were me instead of her with the debilitating illness, she would be doing exactly the same thing that I am trying to do. She would be taking care of me. So in a sense, nothing has changed even though "Al", as we call the disease, has stolen her memories, she is still the love of my life.

So I guess the thing is that, Ww knew each other and liked each other as friends long before the idea of "romance" came up. Friends are good. So just don't put any pressure on you or him. As for children and biological clocks, well...adoption may be an option.

Peace
James


#15

JRKH, I am so sorry to hear about your wife. My grandmother also has Alzheimer's and rarely makes any sort of noise beyond babble anymore. Occasionally, she has some lucid moments, which are comforting to see. You are an admirable man for taking your vows seriously and honoring her. I thank you for your viewpoint.

Irish, I do not know for a fact that he doesn't already know. I am assuming, you are correct. I guess I just know from experience that nobody guesses I am 37. Many of my friends in their twenties often forget that I'm that age because I am so youthful looking.

I am trying to stay open to whomever God chooses for me because obviously I don't know what I'm doing. :p It's hard to trust totally but I'm trying. Regardless of age, etc.


#16

[quote="JRKH, post:14, topic:217356"]
Friends are good. So just don't put any pressure on you or him.

[/quote]

Therese, think about when you are driving, and see someone in the other lane trying to change lanes. I can usually anticipate that the other driver wants to change lanes, even before he uses his index, because he is trying to position himself a few yards ahead/behind my car, trying to take on a speed that's similar to mine, etc. I'm not talking about aggressive road ragers who think they own the road. I'm talking about less experienced drivers who might need a little help and cooperation. And I do help them, even before they put their index. If I'm behind them, I drop behind even more, so that they realize there's plenty of distance between us and that they can now safely change lanes. Or, if they try to get behind me, I push the gas to create a gap behind me, so that they can easily change lanes there.

OK, now to your situation. :) I think a nice relaxed friendly atmosphere as JRKH suggests is the best. If the guy is coming your way, and it's clear to you that he is interested (because he has been staring at you long enough already :p), just smile at him and ask him how is he doing, BEFORE he gets close enough to get frightened at the last moment and change direction. :D

Again, I see these Sunday drivers on the road all the time. I can tell from half a mile away that they are going to need, or want to, change lanes, but they are just too awkward and inexperienced to do it all quickly and in a fluid motion. So, I help 'em. :D

You too, just anticipate the situation and give some friendly help where it's needed. :D

This way, you can break the ice and initiate friendship with a nice guy. There's nothing wrong about becoming friends with a good Catholic guy. :) Then just take it from there and let the chips fall where they may.


#17

Therese,

Why not have a mutual contact introduce you at one of the upcoming group meetings. The two of you could have a conversation in the security of your church setting, that may reveal a mutual attraction. The disclosure of your age (if he doesn't already know if anyway) will come from a normal conversation about where you work, what you like to do for fun, where you grew up and went to school, your family, all those things that allow the facts to come out naturally rather than treating age as the making or undoing of a relationship. Why not look at it as God has put the two of you in proximity. Perhaps He has a plan that involves the two of you. Pray for His direction and be open to His will.


#18

Those are good ideas. I guess we'll see which happens first although I'm afraid to ask anyone to introduce us. THat might seem too pointed. Knowing my friend who asked very loudly if I were dating anyone in front of him, she'd be more than happy to do that. What I'm really praying is that God intervenes because I really am afraid to do anything since I have such a horrible track record on choosing guys.
Maybe I will just say hello if an opportunity comes up such as him passing by or us standing in the same group for something.
I am already feeling anxious about this. I hope I don't make a fool of myself. :p


#19

[quote="therese_lisieux, post:18, topic:217356"]
Those are good ideas. I guess we'll see which happens first although I'm afraid to ask anyone to introduce us. THat might seem too pointed. Knowing my friend who asked very loudly if I were dating anyone in front of him, she'd be more than happy to do that. What I'm really praying is that God intervenes because I really am afraid to do anything since I have such a horrible track record on choosing guys.
Maybe I will just say hello if an opportunity comes up such as him passing by or us standing in the same group for something.
I am already feeling anxious about this. I hope I don't make a fool of myself. :p

[/quote]

If I may share....
My dear Wife, was single for some 25 years after getting out of an abusive marriage of 10 years and 5 kids. She went through much of what you are going through. All the best guys seem to be taken, that sort of thing....The funny thing is that she had given up "looking" by the time I got my divorce and so when we got together it came as something of a surprise.

So - When she was "looking", she couldn't find and when she stopped "looking"....in walked Love....

Peace
James


#20

Well, I am not actively looking, for sure. I am so busy right now with building my own business and spending time with my girl friends and friends in general.
I don't mind having him as a friend. THe only reason he's been on my mind pretty constantly lately is because I started dreaming about him last year when I was dating someone else. In the dream, we were at church and I was following him trying to get him to talk to me because I needed him to give something to someone. He wouldn't speak but I knew in the dream that he was upset that I was on my way to be with my then-boyfriend. I didn't dream about him again until recently. In the second dream, I could only see his face staring at me with brilliant blue eyes, like a dream I had about Jesus many years ago where His eyes were this brilliant, crystal blue, penetrating eyes. In the most recent, we were standing somewhere in the rain, and he was trying to protect me from the weather and keep me warm. Haha, silly, right?
I'd love to know how God made our minds to work in dreams.:)


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