need advice


#1

I need some advice from some parents out there. My father-in-law is a convicted pediphile(his victims have always been boys). He was in prison for about 10 years and recently got off parole. While on parole he was only allowed to see my children if it was approved by his parole officer and I was there with my children. My mother-in-law(his ex but they are still good friends) is coming in town for a visit. He asked if my daughter (7) could go w/ them to a play. Seeing that he is no longer on parole this would be perfectly legal. My husband already told him that she could go. I trust that my mother-in-law would make sure nothing happened but I have a fear that just won’t go away. How would you handle this situation?


#2

I would say to come up with a reason for everyone to get together. I wouldn’t let my children go unsupervised like that, I don’t think people like that can change.


#3

Can you or your husband join them? If not, I guess my gut would say don’t let her go. Find another way to get together so you can be present.
He is a repeat offender if he has victim**s. **Just because he has only abused males in the past, doesn’t mean he wouldn’t abuse a female given the chance. Did he do any rehabilitation in prison? counseling?
Will it cause a problem with your husband if you suggest she not go with them?
God Bless
Weezir


#4

Your primary responsibility is to ensure the safety of your daughter. If you cannot accompany her to the play then you should not allow her to attend. Personally, I wouldn’t care if I offended the feelings of anyone as long as I kept my daughter out of harms way.

God Bless.


#5

[quote=Bud Stewart]Your primary responsibility is to ensure the safety of your daughter. If you cannot accompany her to the play then you should not allow her to attend. Personally, I wouldn’t care if I offended the feelings of anyone as long as I kept my daughter out of harms way.God Bless.
[/quote]

I totally agree with Bud.


#6

I do not believe it is worth the risk. It only takes one small incident and the damage is done and your daughter would have to live with it the rest of her life. Once it happens, nothing can take it back and make it ok for a child. Even if your daughter is young, she’ll remember it clearly forever.


#7

Listen to me. DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER leave your child with a known pedophile. You are just asking for trouble. Don’t expect your mother in law to protect her. She wasn’t successful in protecting the boys that were molested before.

As a prosecutor I deal with sexual abuse cases every day.
These clowns get access to children by buffaloing the parents into trusting them. Psychologically, the call that behavior “grooming.” The pedophiles seduce the parents (by gaining their trust) to have access to the children.

I love my wife more than anything in the world, but I would seek a civil divorce from her if she insisted on letting a child of ours anywhere near a pedophile. You need to put your foot down on this.


#8

If my last post doesn’t convince you…think of this not too far fetched scenerio

Girl goes with father-in-law and mother-in-law is present. They have a great time. Nothing bad happens but because of that great time father-in-law wins the trust of your daughter. He buys her cotton candy, takes her to the pet store.

One day unbeknownst to you, father-in-law sees your daughter playing where you aren’t around. He says come with me. She trusts him because of the prior contact. Mother-in-law is not around this time. Father-in-law molests your daughter and remembers what happened last time a little child told on him so he doesn’t take any risks. He kills your daughter and throws her in the river.

I dont mean to horrify you but you need to know that molestation by relatives is usually not a one time event. It is a process that is started by grooming and gaining trust of the child’s parents and then the child himself.


#9

Say this out loud to yourself “Is it good idea to let my child go to dark theater with a known child molester?”

The answer should be obvious…NO.

-D


#10

Uh, I have nothing else to add short of DON’T DO IT. And it was unfair for any of them to ask you to. If you can go, fine…if you find something else to do and to include them, fine…but that’s your kid and you obviously are uncomfortable with it or you wouldn’t have asked, right? I would be ticked if someone in my family put me in your position.

JELane


#11

[quote=Lorik]I need some advice from some parents out there. My father-in-law is a convicted pediphile(his victims have always been boys). He was in prison for about 10 years and recently got off parole. While on parole he was only allowed to see my children if it was approved by his parole officer and I was there with my children. My mother-in-law(his ex but they are still good friends) is coming in town for a visit. He asked if my daughter (7) could go w/ them to a play. Seeing that he is no longer on parole this would be perfectly legal. My husband already told him that she could go. I trust that my mother-in-law would make sure nothing happened but I have a fear that just won’t go away. How would you handle this situation?
[/quote]

There is a difference between “legal” and “wise.” Although there may be a few exceptions, most pedophiles do not change. One a child molestor, always a child molestor, more or less.

Also, I would not be so confident that his victims were always boys. Even if you have access to all the court records and psych records (and I bet you don’t), all that means is that all the victims ANYONE KNEW ABOUT were boys.

Do not allow your daughter anywhere near this clown. It’s too big a risk.


#12

There is no way in life I would ever let him see my children again, whether they are boys are girls. Sorry----he is a sicko~~~


#13

Jeff (PittsburghJeff) –

God bless you in your work! and thank you for your replies in this thread.

I have a dear girlfriend whose husband was recently convicted of molesting their granddaughter. Since he was caught in this instance, other people have come forward and told my friend that her husband had molested them, too. All family members so far.

There is no way on God’s Green Earth I would let my child associate with a KNOWN molester. Hang him, hang the mother-in-law, hang the husband. I would even go so far as to separate from a husband who would not protect our child.

I am fiercely adamant about this! My friend has shared photos of “before” and “after” of this absolutely gorgeous little girl whose spirit has been damaged by her grampa. Once a charming feminine little waif, now she wears oversized baggy heavy clothes, even in the heat of summer. Her personal hygiene and grooming have been sacrificed, once lovely hair now hangs unkept around her face. Even when she’s supposed to be “happy” you can see the haunted look in her eyes. I know more about this situation than I ever wanted to know, because my friend has needed someone to “dump” on and I’ve been convenient and willing to listen.

I wish anyone who hurts our children would be packed far far away and the key lost forever.

Oh – this man forfeited the right to have his “feelings” considered when he hurt the kids. His ego doesn’t count any more. He did something horrible, the consequence is that he just flat-out DOES NOT COUNT any more.

Jeff, I hope our friend here takes your posts as seriously as they deserve and takes necessary steps to protect her child.


#14

Lorik,

If a flat out “no” would be difficult, there is always the “fact” that your daughter has plans on that day that her daddy wasn’t aware of when he said she could go. She can always have “other plans” and eventually the message will get across in a less-than-in-your-face way.

I’m not in the group that says “string-em-up.” Your FIL may feel terrible about his sickness, no need for anyone to add to his possible misery. He needs prayers and probably some compassion, but NOT the company of your daughter without you being around!

Just my opinion.

Debbie


#15

Thanks LauraL for your kind remarks

If I seem fired up about this issue its because not only do I work with victims almost every day but I have had the horrible displeasure of having had to view child pornography as part of my job (prosecuting).

Talk about a horrifying experience. The most bloody crime scene photos in the world cannot equate to the horror of having to view one of those photos of a young child engaged in sexual acts with an adult.

Just to know that there are people out there who get excited about that is horrifying…It goes to show how sick they really are


#16

Well I pray you listen to everyone’s advice. I think you have heard it all. JUST SAY NO!


#17

Boy, I am in the doghouse now! I told him that she doesn’t want to go, that I took her to see a Peter Pan play and we had to leave early b/c she was bored (all true). He already bought her ticket and I told him that I would pay him back. He told me not to worry about it, he doesn’t want the money back. About an hour later my husband’s grandmother called to tell us that my father in law canceled his b-day party that we were all supposed to go to b/c nobody loves him and no one cares about him anyway. That makes me so angry. She’s just a little kid that doesn’t want to go to a stupid play. She was crying b/c my husband and his mother told her that if she doesn’t go to the play that it will hurt her grandpa’s feelings but she didn’t want to go. My husband doesn’t even know the details of his dad’s crimes and doesn’t want to know and is in complete denial that anything is wrong. I know that I need to talk to his dad and tell him that I don’t care who else is around, my children will not be in his presence w/o me. This is just not the right time to get into that w/ him, but I know I will have to do it soon if I’m going to avoid any more messes like this. I know he needs love of his family if he is going to avoid relapse. That’s why I’ve tried to work things out the best I can but this is just stupid, to get so mad about a play.
Thank you everyone for your responses. Sometimes I just need to be reassured that I’m not the bad guy in this. They all want so bad to forgive and forget and I can understand that but not at my children’s expense. If I forget my kids pay the price. Please pray for us I’m afraid we have a long road ahead of us. Thanks again, God bless!


#18

Good for you, for saying, “No.” It sounds like your father-in-law is still being manipulative. The correct answer would have been, “I understand,” and for him to come up with another idea to celebrate his birthday. To say, “Nobody loves me…” come on! I’m glad you didn’t fall for this. Good for you. You’ve done good, and you should proud of yourself.


#19

LoriK

I agree with Mamie…You should be proud of yourself! Way to go! One of the most important jobs as parents is to protect your children…and you are doing just that. I have a question…it’s personal…feel free not to answer it…did your husband suffer any abuse as a child from his father or another family member?
I certainly will keep your family in my prayers.
God Bless You
Weezir


#20

Hey Jeff- I just wanted to give you a nod. I worked on the investigation end of child pornography. Theres no way to explain to other people what we’ve seen, how much of this is going on, and the horror of it. It’s frustrating to be so unable to get the bad guys and put an end to this. Its not covered on the media- so you just have no idea about this stuff until you work in it…
pax tibi
K


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.