I’m not real sure as to how to go about discussing this or if this is even a question, but it is something that weighs on my mind quite a bit.
I have a problem with committing “sins of purity” against “myself”, if you get what I’m saying. I know that it is morally wrong and I do feel guilt about it, in fact, I take time to apologize and ask forgiveness. It’s NOT like I do this to directly defy my faith, I think I do it purely for the release/calming feeling felt afterward. I have a huge problem with anxiety and have been feeling lonely and I feel that it provides a little relief to that, but I know deep down it just makes me feel worse. The thing is, I’ve sort of built a habit of doing this when I’m feeling my loneliness or just overall feeling really horrible. I know I need to go to confession and confess this, but it’s rather embarrassing. I could die tomorrow and have this on my soul, but I think, that besides this one thing I’m an entirely good person have been thinking “why would someone so forgiving send a person to eternal damnation for this one thing?”
I don’t know, I guess I’m struggling with faith as well. I believe in my heart that there is definitely a higher power, but if he is all-knowing, wouldn’t he understand that struggle? I mean, I go to church every Sunday, I pray regularly, I do absolutely all I can to help someone in need if it is within my power. I just don’t know why someone would consider people like me (and me) struggling with the same thing eligible for damnation. I read through some of the posts here, dealing with similar things and I just found the responses very fear mongering. I don’t want “fear” put into me, I just want real help. I don’t think God would want someone to worship him out of fear anyway, because then it wouldn’t be coming from the right place. (Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to insult anyone or anything.)
Don’t get me wrong, I was raised Catholic, I still practice it for the most part, but every time I go to church I can’t help but feel really cr*ppy or that I don’t belong because these questions I have make me feel artificial. I enjoy the homilies the priest gives, but communion seems just like a ritual to me. I attend church with my mother and I go to communion more for her than for me, because I just don’t want to disappoint her. I also don’t want her to feel like it’s a sin on her soul when I don’t get because she feels she should have taught me better or something. I feel awful for her.
I need some guidance. If someone could just offer me a little guidance I’d greatly appreciate it.
P.S. I’m sorry that my post is everywhere, my thoughts are a bit wonky right now.