[quote="Frozen, post:16, topic:188294"]
thanks for your responses
We've tried counseling in the past. It usually ends up that the counselor spends all of the alloted time trying to coax my husband into actually talking. Nothing is ever really accomplished. We've had dozens of people help make out to-do lists and schedules for him. They get followed for a week or two and then abandoned.
What do you do when they get abandoned? Can you get together and put the to-do lists, etc., back together? Or start a new one?
You said that he has trouble prioritising--could it be that when the plan is "new" he is more aware of the high priority, and then as time goes by, that awareness dissolves?
We tried a weekend couple's retreat. That was a disaster. They told all the men that wives want their husbands to listen and understand rather than try to problem solve. They told the women to be sure not to deny their husbands sex. For months, he felt justified in not addressing any issues I brought up, because some moron told him that I don't need him to solve problems.
Oh, man, I had something similar happen to me, and that is such a bummer.
If he's still on that, tell him when the problem is *him *(OK, be nice and say when the problem is his health problems!), he has to help problem-solve, but when you have a rough day at work, he has to listen and understand.
And nobody even mentioned that he shouldn't deny me sex, apparently that's just fine.
Might this be related to the brain problems he is having?
I've reached the end of my strength. I feel like I can help him get settled in a place of his own. But other than that, I don't want him weighing down the family's finances or time.
I realize that I probably should tough it out. But I really don't think I can. I'm weary of dealing with this.
In your first post, you exhibited a lot of anger and frustration, and you are certainly in a very frustrating situation. However, I wonder too how much of this is showing to him? How long you have been experiencing it? The reason I ask is that it seems like maybe you two have slipped into a pattern of relating that is not healthy marriage-wise. You are the mommy, and he is the kid.
It's hard to say if the tough love approach is appropriate because we don't know how much of what he is doing is a result of his health problems, but if you are acting like the mother instead of the wife of a man, who is disabled, then that might not be helping either of you, and certainly won't help your marriage.
I know you said he won't talk with a counselor--you also said he has trouble putting his thoughts together. So maybe that's not the way to go. Altho I don't like to recommend that one spouse go for counseling while the other one doesn't go, perhaps this is an instance where you might be better off going to a support group for spouses of those with problems functioning. If you don't have access to anything like that, maybe call Al-Anon and ask if you could go there.
And, not to be crass, but I miss sex, and I would like to have the opportunity to look again for a partner. I'm not gifted for celibacy.
Well, we are Catholic, so we think that you are married, and that even if some legal actions were taken were to occur, you would still be married in the eyes of God. A lack of sex may be a part of your cross.
I would like to tell you about a woman I know. She is in her late 60's/early 70's, and I have known her for several years. However, it was only a few months before her husband died that I found out her story. I had always assumed that her husband was incapacitated due to old age, but it turned out that he used to drink heavily, and that he had had an accident years before, while drunk, and become completely incapacitated as a result of that accident. He was bedridden for 17 years before he died, and she cared for him all that time.
We can't really tell you what to do in your situation, since we know so little about it. But from what you have written here, I really think that your marriage might be salvageable, even improvable. But you would have to make a commitment to stay with your husband and work on that rather than dreaming of setting him up in his own place. As long as you are fantasising your "defective" husband's replacement, you will remain angry and frustrated.