I’m new here. I’m a 41 year old WAHM from Northeastern U.S. And I’m having a bit of difficulty regarding my relationship with my mother. Please let me explain.
I’ve always loved my mother very much, and I still do. She had me when she was 19 years old, and she and my father separated before I was born. I went years between seeing him, so he wasn’t a factor in my life, and he and I have no contact at all now. He’s not the problem, since I’ve given up on a relationship with him. The problem is my mother.
Approximately 20 years ago, my mother met a man named Dean at a club in a neighboring town. When she met Dean, she lied about her age, saying she was 11 years younger than she is. She also told Dean she was never married and had no children. At the time, my mother was a nurse, but she didn’t work. She told Dean that she was in medical school to be a doctor. I met Dean only once, briefly, at a political function. I was introduced as my mother’s sister instead of her daughter. My mother lived with me, but she would visit Dean on weekends. Dean has two sons, and the boys would go over every other weekend, so my mother had a relationship with them, although she told me she didn’t. I found pictures of her with the boys. She also had a relationship with Dean’s mother and aunt. But I was never invited to any family activities or to Dean’s house. Well, a few years after meeting Dean, he proposed marriage. He was planning a wedding. She was becoming panicked due to all of the lies. Soon, she told Dean that her mother, who lived in Europe, died, and she was too distraught to have a wedding. She just wanted to marry quickly in Las Vegas. Well, that was a total lie. Her mother (my grandmother) never lived in Europe and passed years prior to her meeting Dean. When she returned from Las Vegas, she continued living with me and visiting him on weekends. Soon, I married and my husband bought a house with a vacation house at the edge of the backyard so my mother could live there. He paid for it to be fixed properly, and he paid her bills for a very long time. I had a baby two years after I married. Dean knew nothing of my husband or my son. About four years ago, my mother left and moved in with Dean. She didn’t tell me she was moving. She just left her dog for me to care for and took her clothes and jewelry and we wouldn’t hear from her for three or four days at a time. She told us that she was giving him one Christmas (this was in November), and after that, she was going to leave him. Well, that didn’t happen. But here’s what did happen.
She now lives with Dean (in a neighboring town) without him knowing she has a family here - me, my husband, my son, my aunt and uncle (her sister and brother-in-law) who live next door to me. She comes to my house every day except Tuesdays and Saturdays. She comes to my house from 10 until 4. I believe it’s because she’s telling Dean she’s working as a doctor. My aunt called Dean’s house one time and was told she was at the hospital working. She insists that she tells him she’s visiting “her sister” every day. This is very annoying to me. My son attends a Catholic School, and I’m heavily involved there as a volunteer on a daily basis. I’m there at least an hour every day. My mother use to come with me, but now she just stays at my house while I’m gone, watching TV. My husband works out of town and leaves at 7 a.m., not coming home until 6 p.m., so she’s gone before he comes home. But I can’t work while she’s here or do anything I need to because I can’t concentrate properly. I feel like I’m being used terribly because she’s lying to her husband and needs a place to go. I can’t visit her or even call her house, yet she’s at my house every day while I’m suppose to be working (I’m a professional writer).
However, the main issues are the lies and denial of me and my son. I have argued with her countless times to tell her husband the truth. If he accepts it and forgives her, wonderful. If he doesn’t, then it’s a bed she needs to lie in. Her response, every time, is that she isn’t telling him the truth because she’s going to leave him. And until she leaves him, she wants peace. She’s having a health issue right now, and she says after it’s over, she’s getting an apartment. She’s been saying this for years now. I don’t know how much more of this I could take.
My mother was always loving. But she did have moments of trouble. When I was 9, she started dating an alcoholic that caused trouble for her (and me). That was short-lived. Later, when I was a teenager and in my early 20’s, she would beat me on occasion. And believe me, I wasn’t a bad teenager. Never involved with sex or drugs or drinking. Thinking back, I can’t even remember why I was beat. It wasn’t daily but at times during an argument. When I was in my 20’s, she stole money and clothes from me. And she was verbally abusive. We started to mend things to my satsifaction when this situation starting going on with Dean.
She has said she was sorry, but she’s not doing anything to correct the situation. What I’m asking for is for advice on forgiving her and mending the relationship. I really have periods of resentment and anger. I feel disrespected and used. Any advice would be wonderful.