Need Help Moving On


#1

Hi all,

My girlfriend and I of 5 and a half years recently broke up 2 weeks ago, it was her doing. We broke up because I was raised as a Catholic and she is an Greek Orthodox, my family was religious while her family not 1 bit, their religion was more a cultural idenity than anything else. It came to that she wanted the children to be baptised Orthodox because if they were raised as Catholic they will grow up to resent her for being Orthodox, I explained to her she was being stupid, but she firmly believed what she was doing was the best thing and left, no more contact she has changed her number and refuses to answer any communications I have sent her. I am not welcomed over at her house or anything, because her mother is very controlling she is 26 years old and makes her think like this, I know it is the mother.

Last Good Friday I decided to go to the greek orthodox, and the mother was shocked that i was praying while every1 else was talking, she told my ex-gf that you got to watch out for that boy, he is too religious. This woman is an old-school Greek off the boat but left her religious values in the old country, where she chose marriage over family when she was 18 and left the country. This mother allows her son to let his gf to live under their roof as well.

I am just very confused, all my friends tell me to give her up and let her be, it is her loss, i agree but I can’t throw 5 years out the window and just move on. I have been praying and saying the rosary every day, I can’t watch tv or play games anymore because it doesn’t bring me any happiness, I haven’t slept in weeks, my immune system got real low and I got sick and the worse thing I am encountering is a broken heart with the flu.

Throughout the whole relationship I made it clear the children would be Catholic but I would never try to convert her, I told her to go to her church and learn her faith, she doesn’t know anything about it, I have tried teaching her but she doesn’t follow through, her family hasn’t taught her anything about it.

I even compromised with her, saying I just want the kids be Catholic and u can teach them Greek, but she refused and ran away sent me a text that it was over and it was too late.

I just need help, I need advice, I need your prayers, I do want her back but I think it is too late, I have been praying and praying. I just don’t know how some1 can just breakup with a person via a text message and cut all communication like that, especially over 5 years. I need help


#2

I stopped reading when you called her “stupid”. Not too smooth.


#3

Sometimes an end to a broken situation is the best outcome. Pray for God’s will and accept what he gives you.

If you are utterly convinced that God wants you to be with her, pray and maintain a virtuous life that God will make her aware of. You cannot force/convince her to come back. She must choose. Donate yourself to others and wait for God’s time.

my $.02


#4

I rhear you that after 5 years, breaking up with a text is cold hearted.

However, thr flip side is she started to date you at 21. Most girls that age just want a steady guy not marriage, And at 26 maybe she is starting to think of marriage and no longer wants to play games. Obviously she can not do the 'Catholic' thing and maybe she wants to meet someone while she is still young enough.

This is all just an opinion. I know it is hurtfull for you. Prayers that you will find peace

CM


#5

5 years is too long to date (red flag 1)
26yo employed person living at home (red flag 2)
controlling mother whom you dont know after 5 years (red flag 3)

shall I go on?


#6

Getting “dumped” stinks!!! :frowning:

But, trust me. It gets better with time. Let yourself feel bad. Cry if you want. Over time, it will get better.

Don’t get stuck on how long the relationship was. 5 years, 5 months, or 5 days. It doesn’t matter. What matters is what you both were able to bring to the table. It didn’t work out. That stinks and that hurts. But you will eventually feel better. Trust me.

I’ll pray for you!


#7

You are beginning a new life I believe. First, you are right to push for a catholic upbringing. It is the one true faith.

If she cannot break away from her "apron strings" now and join you in a new and wonderful life then you have all you need. You can see now she will never be able to fully be with you in the faith. She will be permanently connected to a cultural faith that is quite frankly not so orthodox. After all, they have no primacy for our great Pope. And after JP-II and our current Benedict XVI, you have to wonder what they are thinking!

But then again, this schism goes way back and most have forgotten why they are not in communion with Rome.

This is a real blessing. You are being given the signals now to break away. I fear that staying will cause a break away much later when children have entered the picture and two divorce lawyers are demanding some of your hard-earned money.

Another point to consider. It is better to lose five years with one person than to stay and forego six or more. It only will get worse.

Leave man! Run like the wind!


#8

5 years is too long to date (red flag 1)
26yo employed person living at home (red flag 2)
controlling mother whom you dont know after 5 years (red flag 3)

the trifecta of marital doom.

ipray, keep praying to padre pio. he will help you offer up all your suffering for the reparation of sins and for the conversion of sinners. please know that raising kids in a very strong but very secular and culturally ‘religious’ environment would be an agony to you.

(avoid telling anyon their beliefs or suppositions or conclusions are ‘stupid.’ there’s no place to go but crash from there.)


#9

I’d agree with the first and third but the second is actually very common in Mediterranean/Latin culture. I’m sure if my family stayed in Italy, I’d live at home. As an American girl, I wouldn’t dream of it now, but most of my Italian family (save my dad) is still in Italy. My Albanian boss said she would have done the same if her family lived here when she was still fairly young. Hasn’t anyone seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding? ;-))

I do agree that you should never date someone if their parents are controlling.

Also, when you’re really young and not thinking of faith differences, a lot of kids don’t mind dating someone who isn’t Catholic, especially if you’re both Christian. Further, the Orthodox have the same sacraments and a valid priesthood. However, when you start taking marriage seriously, that’s where it all comes to a head. Especially when babies enter the picture.

Move on with your life. Thank God it was a breakup and not a marriage!!!


#10

Yeah, what was this? OP, she is not “stupid” for having concerns that the two of you could not make it work, and for wanting her children to be baptized into her church. It seems to me like she recognized that she cannot be okay with having your children baptized and raised as Catholics, and better for you and her both to part if you don’t agree on such an important thing.

I’m not trying to undermine the difficulty of breaking up with someone you’ve spent so long with and wanted to marry. It will take you time to get over. But I think your friends are right- you need to move on and let her do the same. The purpose of dating is to find a spouse, it’s a discernment process and not a guarantee. If someone has decided she doesn’t want to marry you, as difficult as that is to internalize, you need to believe it and not think of her as “stupid”. In fact, she is being smart and responsible.


#11

I have to agree with this. It is time to move on, I understand the heartache of a lost relationship, but when God closes one door He opens another. Be sure to pray for GOD’S WILL to be done in your life. You never know what He has waiting for you. Not trying to start an arguement, but now it is time to evaluate what YOU want in a future spouse, being Catholic should be a on tops of that list. This girl has moved on, time for you to do the same.

Never (EVER) compromise your faith. It is best that this breakup has happened now instead of after a few years of marriage with kids involved. Look at the many threads of fathers that are going through that…that is something that you never want to have to deal with.


#12

I suppose you didn’t call her stupid and at any rate, even if you said “nah, don’t be stupid” or something like that, it was well meant anyway? (People use words like “stupid” in different ways.)

Anyway, while I can’t say her family wouldn’t kind of hand her over to you without trying to control her after she married you (one of the possible attitudes), I wouldn’t bet on it.

In fact, I would be very, very alarmed by a woman whose decisions were being made by her mother or otherwise her family or other people.

Next, I would be worried about somebody’s having a concept of “too religious”, then also by someone’s being willing to live a religion half-seriously anyway.

Well, perhaps you’ve been saved from doom. I’ve been in a similar situation, there was a lot of pain.


#13

call and sign up for a class you always wanted to take, put your money down for a project, that she didn’t want to do and start again.

Key words are “start again” . One day at a time and learn something new that you would find interesting. Be open to make new friends, and pace yourself.

Meanwhile, continue your faith practices, and as God to fill your emptiness, everytime you think about her. He needs to be first anyway…and this breakup and loss is very distracting to your relationship with HIM.

Peace.


#14

You are going to need a lot more than two weeks to get over a 5 year relationship. She has made it very clear that it is over and now all you can do is take it one day at time and try not to think about it. Try to arrange your activities where you will nice, Catholic girls who will share your faith and values.


#15

Breaking up is harsh, anyone who tells you different is a liar or has never broken up with anyone before.

As harsh as it is now, you’ll move on eventually. If you don’t, seek professional help. You wouldn’t be the first to speak to a shrink after a tough break up.


#16

I am so sorry to hear of your trouble and anxiety concerning your Greek girlfriend.

I was a cradle Greek Othodox(now a Catholic convert) who married a Catholic and I can tell you from years of painful experience with my own parents, if the Greek parents are difficult concerning Catholicism it is probably a blessing in disguise that this break up has occurred. Trust me, you are better off moving on since they will never accept you. God Bless and I'll pray for you.


#17

Hi thank you for all responses,

Firstly I didn't say stupid, i thought it. But honestly I take every day as it comes, I do miss her but you are all right it could have never worked, we couldn't compromise on the main issue and it was not fair to me or to her for one of us to change our beliefs.

I do feel remorseful because during the time of dating we were living in great sin (pre-marital sex) and I justified it, I would still go to Church but not take the Eurcharist but still commit the act when the opportunity arise, I was young, stupid and selfish. This past month I have been reconnecting to the church, confession, Eurcharist and learning my faith. My biggest regret is the mortal sins we committed together, that will be a mark on my soul and a reminder for the next person that comes into my life, I will never justify my sins or commit those mortal sins, it will be hard but I pray that i will never be tempted again.

Since the breakup roughly 4 weeks ago I have quit my addiction to Porn, made the promise to do the rosary everyday, and to read/listen to religious talks (Michael Voros is a champion) and I have followed through with everything, the power of pray really works I haven't be tempted one bit.

Thank you all for reading my story, I will tell you this break up has brought me back to the faith, and that God is more important than anything, and you can't justify any sins for self pleasure.


#18

[quote="Ipraytopadrepio, post:17, topic:246088"]
Hi thank you for all responses,

Firstly I didn't say stupid, i thought it. But honestly I take every day as it comes, I do miss her but you are all right it could have never worked, we couldn't compromise on the main issue and it was not fair to me or to her for one of us to change our beliefs.

I do feel remorseful because during the time of dating we were living in great sin (pre-marital sex) and I justified it, I would still go to Church but not take the Eurcharist but still commit the act when the opportunity arise, I was young, stupid and selfish. This past month I have been reconnecting to the church, confession, Eurcharist and learning my faith. My biggest regret is the mortal sins we committed together, that will be a mark on my soul and a reminder for the next person that comes into my life, I will never justify my sins or commit those mortal sins, it will be hard but I pray that i will never be tempted again.

Since the breakup roughly 4 weeks ago I have quit my addiction to Porn, made the promise to do the rosary everyday, and to read/listen to religious talks (Michael Voros is a champion) and I have followed through with everything, the power of pray really works I haven't be tempted one bit.

Thank you all for reading my story, I will tell you this break up has brought me back to the faith, and that God is more important than anything, and you can't justify any sins for self pleasure.

[/quote]

[quote="Mirror_Mirror, post:11, topic:246088"]
I understand the heartache of a lost relationship, but when God closes one door He opens another. Be sure to pray for GOD'S WILL to be done in your life. You never know what He has waiting for you. Not trying to start an arguement, but now it is time to evaluate what YOU want in a future spouse, being Catholic should be a on tops of that list. This girl has moved on, time for you to do the same.

Never (EVER) compromise your faith. It is best that this breakup has happened now instead of after a few years of marriage with kids involved. Look at the many threads of fathers that are going through that....that is something that you never want to have to deal with.

[/quote]

Just wanted to repost that, you never know what God has in store for you. Go to confession and know that your sins have been forgiven. It seems that you have done that, if so, the sins are washed away and you are now clean. Make a committment to chastity and to purity. Stay pure for your future spouse. While it is not your original virginity that you are saving for her, you are now starting over and saving yourself now for her. Make that committment. Praying the rosary for those gifts will greatly bless you.


#19

[quote="Rascalking, post:15, topic:246088"]
Breaking up is harsh, anyone who tells you different is a liar or has never broken up with anyone before.

As harsh as it is now, you'll move on eventually. If you don't, seek professional help. You wouldn't be the first to speak to a shrink after a tough break up.

[/quote]

Absolutely. There are no magic words to make it easier, I can say it's better now than twenty years in the future when you have three kids. True, but abstract for you. You're in pain now.

Give yourself a break, moving on isn't jumping into a relationship, latching onto someone out of need now. Getting together with someone new isn't a sign that you've moved on. Moving on is getting the emotional distance to be able to rationally look at your relationship-- what the positives were and what the negatives were. Use that as a basis for realizing what you will want and what you can't live with in your life. So that when you do meet someone you will be able to ensure they align with those things.

If you're any kind of a man, you didn't stay with someone for 5 years because you truly thought they were being stupid about a lot of things. You found many aspects of her that you loved. Things that you respected. Getting over that emotional investment is tough and does take time.

So, first you have to accept she doesn't want to be with you. And her reasons only need to be valid for her. You don't want to force someone to be with you. You want them to be with you by choice. She has the right to leave, let her.

Second, you have to focus or re-focus on being you. By that I mean enjoying the hobbies, activities, work in your life, your friends. Do not live in the past, hoping and wishing she hadn't left, allowing her decision on whether to come back or not control your actions. Appreciate both the little and big things in your life. Be open to God's will. Have you ever heard the Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers"? About a man who sees his high school sweetheart at a reunion and thanks God that his prayers to be married to her weren't answered.

Third, again analyze rationally what you want from a partner in your life. Both big and little things. What you have to be compatible on-- as you begin to date again, when you find the person who stirs your feelings- consider how you'll be compatible long term. You should have learned a lot about that from your 5 year relationship.

ETA: And yes, the other person's family is important to consider. Whether controlling parents, or siblings they're constantly bailing out, or lifestyles of relatives that you wouldn't want your children to be around. etc. etc.

Don't know if any of this helps right now. Again, our pain is our own and can't be completely understood or felt by anyone else. Offer that pain to God for the poor souls, he will provide what you need to get through it.


#20

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