Caution: this story is going to probably be wordy and I’m sure I’ll miss stuff. I’ll try to be brief. I am simply seeking help.
I am a 22 yr old Catholic convert who came into the Church after much deliberation when in college. As I was going through RCIA, I began to feel called to the priesthood. I did some reading and research, talked with my pastor, and even formally met with the Vocation Director of my diocese after coming into communion with the Church. However, I was dating a non-Catholic girl (we had been together almost 2 years) and things were already not going well with me becoming Catholic so I pushed these feelings aside. It got so bad that I stopped going to Mass, because it would only make me think of a possible vocation to the priesthood and it tore at my heart.
This past fall/winter, I began to feel the call again. I was unfulfilled in my career and was constantly wanting to be with Jesus and helping His people. I started going to daily Mass, biweekly Reconciliation, daily Rosary, monthly Holy Hour, increasing my spiritual activities, reading, etc. I met with my pastor often and eventually met with the Vocation Director again. After much thought and prayer, I broke up with my girlfriend (now of over 3 years) to fully devote myself to discerning a possibly call to the priesthood.
After some time (A TON of prayer) and meetings with the Vocation Director, I began my application to the diocese and seminary and everything was going great. As the application process came to a close (I was told I was “an excellent candidate” and I was waiting for the final approval,) I began to miss my ex quite a bit and long to be with her.
I discussed these concerns with my pastor, who was essentially my spiritual director, several times. He eventually advised that maybe I see my ex and see if the feelings were still there. We met and I really missed her and decided to end my application and start dating her again. However, the same thing happened again. I felt the call constantly at Mass and doing Church related activities. The internal struggle was truly taking a toll on me and I stopped going to Mass again.
I moved to a new city (my gf moved close to me as well although we do not live together) and began a new job. However (same story, second verse) I have been miserable. My life feels so unfulfilled and I feel like I am wasting every day. I also have a profound sense of regret. My gf and I are together and she talks about marriage and I feel uneasy. I worry every day that I’m wasting her time and hurting her and wasting God’s time and hurting him, because I am ignoring a possible call. I love my gf to death, but I am so confused and conflicted on what to do.
Anyways, this is incredibly long. If anyone is still reading I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am seeking advice, wisdom, opinions. Really anybody to listen.
Thank you for your time and I will make sure to pray for you for reading my story and/or offering advice.
May the Lord bless you and keep you.