Let me first say I am very happy to have found this site. I hope someone to provide so advice. I have been married for 6 years and my husband and I have 2 beautiful children. My husband is my first and only love and I can not imagine what it would be like without him. The problem is he is an alcholic. I just realized this over the past year and a half. I saw signs before but I but I guess I just did not want to believe. Over the past year we have been experiencing financial difficulty and I have noticed the increase in the drinking. I am so scared because I am afraid I am beginning to love him less. When he drinks he put me down and constantly tells me all the things I do not do like other woman. I feel horrible and spend most of my time crying. I have prayed and prayed for a way to help him, but he does not want to go to counseling. He has said so many hurtful things to me while drunk and then the next day wants to act as though nothing happened. Could he really not remember? I do not know where to turn or what to do I have no family in this area. I am afraid that if I leave him he will get worse since he too does not have family in the area. Divorce is something I never thought I would have to consider. I thought we would be able to work through anything. Am I just being naive?
Well firstly, remember to always keep praying throughout the difficult times. Secondly, perhaps you can see a priest and talk with him about the situation, then try to bring your husband along the second time. When people are drunk they don’t really mean what they say, so though his words maybe hurtful, it’s unlikely he actually means what he says.
Did he pray before? If he doesn’t want to go to counselling, ask him if he can start praying. Say the rosary daily. Besides general catholic advice I cannot say more because I am not an expert on this kind of situation, check back often at this thread however you may get more replies.
If he gets physically violent towards you and your children you may have to consider the possibility of informing authorities though, you cannot risk danger to you and the children.
I will pray for you.
Unfortunately, You May Have To At Some Point Leave The Marriage.
For One Thing, You Cannot Risk Having Yourself Injured - Or One Of Your Kids - If He Goes Into A Drunken Rage When You Least Expect It.
For Another, It May Be The Wake-up Call He Needs If He Saw You Could Make It On Your Own. Catholic Charities Is Just One Agency Of A Few Out There That You Could Call On To Help You Out With Housing, Etc…
Our Friend’s Daughter Had To Do This A Couple Of Times In Her Marriage, And The Second Time It Snapped Her Husband Back To Where He Needed To Be Because She Said That Was It. He Had To Take Care Of That Problem Or Else. They Reunited And He Has Been Wonderful Since Then. Been Married For 12 Or 13 Yrs Now.
And One More Thing … Your Children Are Seeing This. Not Good!
I Pray He Will Come To His Senses And Get The Help He Needs [you Too … With Al-anon For Families Of Alcoholics] .
I’m really sorry that you are going through this, but it is a good thing that you are finally putting your worries into words and admitting the truth to yourself. That is a start.
The first thing I would want you to know, those horrible things that your husband tells you are not true. He is saying these things as a way to make you powerless, so that you will not interfere with his drinking. Don’t believe those things. Give his words no power over you.
I know you say that you are not near any family. Can you call them? Can you tell them what is really happening with your family? It is really important to be honest and to not protect your husband from the reality of his destructive lifestyle. I would probably also schedule an appointment to go and talk to your priest. Your parish can probably also let you know about any Al-Anon meetings near you.
You may or may not need to leave your husband. Really it is up to him. What you can not do is accept the status quo. I can tell you that I was married to an abusive alcoholic. He was actually much worse sober. So, I would say your situation has more hope than mine did. Really though, your husband needs to realize that there are consequences for what he is choosing to do. He needs to experience those consequences and decide what is more important to him, his family and the responsibilities that he has to them or drinking.
You are in my prayers, and congratulations on making the choice to face the truth.
Do not be ashamed or embarrassed about any of your questions or feelings.
I am a recovered alcoholic (sober 15 years). Yes, he can do things in a black out and not remember them.
You must be willing to protect yourself and your children, but you must also understand what it is like to be in love with an alcoholic. Al-Anon is a wonderful organization where people who love people like me and your husband find strength and courage and the ability to set boundaries around acceptable behavior without being made to feel guilty about doing so. Your husband may never get sober, but you can learn how to be strong and firm.
I am also going to suggest that you invite your husband to start saying the Rosary with you and the children every night. The prayer life you form with your family can help you and him.
If he ever says to you, “Why are you going to Al-Anon?” you should say gently and lovingly to him, “Because I love you but hate your drinking.”.
If you need to PM me, please feel free to do so. My prayers are with you - btw - St. Max Kolbe and Servant of God Matt Talbot are great prayer buddies to have for this situation.
I also encourage you to find an Al-Anon group in your area. These people have been where you are and are a wonderful source of comfort and peace.
Would your husband consider talking to a priest? Perhaps he is not willing to take any steps at this point.
I will pray for you. This is a heavy cross to bear. Please let us know how you are doing if you have time. I am happy you found this website. Please take care as best as you can. God bless.