I am trying to figure out how to tell you all our story w/o writing a novel. I will do my best, but please bare with me if this gets lengthy.
I am 31, my husband is 32. We have been married for almost 8 years. We have a 4 year old son and I have a 10 year old Step-Daughter. My husband’s daughter from a previous marraige. My husband and I had a wonderful marriage. We had our ups and downs like in any marrige. We trusted each other 110% and the thought of infidelity never crossed either of our minds. Maybe we trusted each other too much, perhaps and immature trust, if that makes any sense.
My husband was in the Nat. Guard. The thought of deployment never really crossed our mind b/c he had signed back up into a “non-deployable” unit. Well, they ended up pulling him out of that unit and putting him back in his old one, so that he could deploy. We had been married for almost 3 years when this happened. He was in Iraq for over 18 months, but out of our home for nearly 2 years altogether b/c of training before he ever left. He came home for R&R halfway through his deployment. We had an awesome visit, and that is when we got pregnant with our son. I had a hard time while DH was gone. I have never been good with money, but I went into a type of depression. I let the house go and the money go. We got in a few fights while he was over there, mostly money related. Do you know how hard it is to argue over the internet? Then, worry that something might happen to him before we had a chance to make up. Anyway, before DH came home from Iraq I went to all of the meetings about how he would be when he returned. What to do and what not to do, etc… Nothing in the world could have prepared us.
When DH returned, I was 7 months pregnant. We had about 2 months to reconnect w/ each other and prepare for our son. Not to mention the things my DH was dealing with. He never talked much about what happened in Iraq. And we were taught not to ask, but I know he was a sniper and I know that it was very hard on him. He went straight back to his civilian job, so he could get the promotion he was promised. We had our baby that May and we were very happy. My first child, so I didn’t know how to balance my duties as a mother and my duties as a wife. I guess I kind of neglected my husband w/o realizing it. Anyway, his promotion required him to go out of town to a school for 7 weeks! He could come home on most weekends. Our son was barely 4 weeks old when he left. That was hard. I realized that he wasn’t coming home as often as I thought he would. He said it was b/c of money and it was a long drive to come every weekend. I thought nothing of it. I mentioned it once or twice and we kind of got in an argument, but he made the comment that we had been through worse and we would get through this too. One of those weekends he surprised me by coming home a day early. I was so glad to see him, but felt bad b/c the house was a wreck. He immediately began cleaning and wasn’t happy with me at all. I know that he was upset about that.
Anyway, when he came home from his school I thought everything was ok and going to get back to normal. I began to notice that he was running a lot of errands and spending a lot of extra time at work. I asked him about it one night. He told me that he wasn’t happy with me anymore, that things weren’t fun anymore, that he felt lost. He told me he still loved me, but didn’t know what to do or how to get it back. He said that I never did anything with myself anymore and that the house was always a mess, etc. I was crushed. I could tell he was lost and I didn’t know how to help. Well, about two days after that I began to find text on his phone from a women. I would confront him and only get part of the truth, then find something else only to get a little bit more of the truth, and finally found out that he had been unfaithful while he was gone away to this school. Each time I found new evidence he would tell me he was just going to leave. He was physically unfaithful with this woman only twice as far as I know. She lived 4 hours away from us and he swore he didn’t love her and that he still loved me, but that he ruined our trust which was something we took great pride in . This was true, but I knew that I was guilty of all the things he told me he was unhappy with me about. Granted NO EXCUSE for what he did and he took responsibility for that, but it hurt me that he was so quick to leave. I would beg him to stay everytime. It wasn’t like he as threatening to leave me, he felt that if he left he would be doing me a favor. Funny how, I was the one that was cheated on and I was the one that was begging him to stay. You would think it would be the other way around. This bothered me, but I loved him so much, and I could see how lost he was.
One night, when I finally found out the real truth, he was out on a job. He called me and could tell something more was wrong. I told him what I found. He got mad and told me that he would pack his stuff when he got home and we could just say it was a good 5 years while it lasted. That he was tired of fighting. He had talked to his dad about our problems and his Dad told him that it was him. That ever since he had been back from Iraq all he wanted to do was fight, etc. I still begged him not to leave. I was waiting for him when he got home. He was still determined to leave and it was like a switch went off in me and I was doing everything I could to get him to stay, even physically. He told me he didn’t want a divorce, but that he thought everyone would be better off if he just left and was by himself. He is stubborn and I finally convinced him to stay until morning. I still didn’t want him to leave, despite all the hurt that had been done to me. I was beginning to see that he was truly lost and that it had taken this many months for signs of PTSD to show up. When he woke up the next morning I helped him get some clothes together and told him that I loved him and that I always would. He left and was going to work. I had gotten myself together and began to accept that he was gone as far as I knew. I was in my car ready to go pick up my son, that I had taken to a friends so he wouldn’t have to witness any of this, when DH called me and said that he was coming home. I was confused. What had changed his mind? Should I let him come back? But I so desperately wanted him to come back so we could work everything out and get him some help. Well, this is a good stopping point. I will continue later. There is still quite a bit more, so I understand if you want to get the entire story before making any comments or suggestions. I have a few work phone calls to make and then I will add to this thread. Sorry this got so long… Continue later.