Need of marriage help


#1

This is my first post and it is an important one! *I need help with my marriage. My wife is struggling with her love for me and if we are soul mates. *We were married in the catholic church 14 years ago, and are high school sweethearts, so even thought we are young we have been together for 25 years. God has graced us with two beautiful daughters which we would do anything for them.

During the years I neglected her, took her for granted, acted immature and did not show her how important she (and the girls) were and how much I love her. *When she tells me what I did (or didn't do) I can't believe how stupid I was. Needless to say, I have now seem the light, it's like God pushed my reset button. I show her how much my family means to me and how much I love them and how sorry I am but it is hard for her to trust me and know that I am pure.

I pray so much for God to give us the strength to help with this. I don't know what to do, when I try to talk to her about everything she get frustrated and it pushes her away.

Plead pray for us and offer any advice you have.*


#2

May God continue to grace your life.

The bottom line is that, as you have discovered, once trust is lost, it is awfully hard to get back.
Abut the only thing I can advise is that you keep doing what you are doing now. Show her how much you love her and the kids. Try to "win her" all over again.

Accept that you may never be "soul mates" like you once were (or thought), but that your relationship can be a beautiful one none the less.

One other thing. Don't "press" your lady. Let her come to you emotionally. Make sure that she knows she can take all the time she needs - that you will be there for her.
She needs to "fall in love" with you all over again. This will take time, patience, careful and loving effort, and God's grace.

Peace
James


#3

ill pray for you and your family


#4

I agree with the other poster who said that you should not press your wife. Instead, I would tell her that you appreciate the fact that she has stayed with you even when you were not appreciating her and you are determined to be the best husband you can be from that say forward. And then be the best husband you can be from that moment on.

If you have realized that you have neglected your wife and want to show her how you have changed and how much you do love her, you want the validation from her that she understands. I get that. But this is no longer about you. And it isn't about her accepting the fact that you have changed and everything going back to the way things were whenever they were good. This is about making everyday a day where you fall in love with her and she with you.

I will pray for you and your family. I hope that my advice helps.


#5

Tony, without knowing all of the facts it's hard to dish advice that's worth anything at all. My wife and I have been married for 10 years, have known each other for 12. That's about half of your relationship! And we were married at a much older age. I went through much (probably more) of the immaturity you expressed, but I just wasn't married during that period.

Anyway, all I can say-- marriage is as much a decision to work though the differences as anything else, a decision to love, a decision to persevere. I think when you go through these valleys this commitment is what sustains you, and then hopefully true feelings/emotional affirmation will follow, in time. Kind of like "fake it until you make it".

The whole 'soul mates' thing-- that kind of talk never resonated much for us. My wife and I are committed. When we hit rocky terrain, we retool-- we fix, we make a course correction, and then we move on. To us it doesn't matter if we are soul mates much because we love each other and know that God has chosen us for one another, plus we know we are good for one another. That's it. So we make an intellectual decision to work out whatever we have to work out.

In your case, as you stated, there are trust issues on her part. Are you guys doing counseling? A strong therapist with experience in couples counseling could help immensely--- my wife is in this field and has helped many marriages get back on track.

At the end of the day, the healing power of the Holy Spirit can and will move in your lives to repair this wound, provided you are both cooperative and willing. You'd have to think that the Lord wants you guys together. It's in his will. So praying on this frequently will put you in alignment with the Lord's will for your lives, and should bear fruit in time. Until then offer this anxiety, this suffering, up to the Lord-- that it will become redemptive for your soul, and draw you closer to our savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. I have offered you up in prayer. God bless your family, may he illuminate your minds and bring the love back into your marriage!


#6

I have never been married, but this is what I think.

For years she has felt you rejecting her. For years, three were incidents where she wanted to tell you how bad you hurt her but decided not to because she just knew you wouldn't take her seriously and she wasn't in the mood to have her feelings invalidated. I know you are probably thinking 'Wait a minute, she nagged me all the time'. Trust me, for everytime she nagged you there are at least twice as many times she didn't because she was exhauted from the fights and all she remembers is the times she kept her feelings to herself

Now that you are finally admitting to your mistakes, she is thinking 'Finally I am going to be heard' so that is why she is 'telling' you how mad she is at you. Not necessarily in words but in actions. Finally she gets to feel like she can reject instead of being rejected. It is a new found power.

If you wheather the storm, it will hopefully get out of her system. (the reason I think it will get out of her system is because she did stay with you after all so she does love you)

This is going to require a lot of patience on your part. And eventually, small boundaries. (Don't let her overdo it)

They you can focus on building back your marriage as a team

CM


#7

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