Need parenting advice for controlling whining


#1

First of all let me say that I’m under a lot of stress - please read my post about DH’s kidney stones. What I forgot to mention there is that DH has been very beligerent to me in his suffering and has cussed me out on a daily basis up till the last few days after I really let him have it.

That said, the whining situation with my 3 boys is something I’ve been struggling with for some time. It seems our morning routine is frought with whining and frustration and nagging and I’m yelling before 8 o’clock!!! Not how I want to start my day.

I typically get them up and try to get the little ones dressed before I start breakfast so that they can come in and either help prepare breakfast or help set the table. I’m finding the most difficulty with my 19 month-old. He’s right at that stage where he wants to get involved, but we both get frustrated when he’s trying to push his chair up next to me to help stir the oatmeal and I’m moving him around b/c he’s crowding me. Or I don’t get his juice fast enough or he’s pestering his older brothers getting into the silverware that they’ve put up to the table or getting him to wait until after grace to eat.

I’m beginning to think maybe I should just let him stay in his crib with some toys till it’s time to eat. He normally does better if I hold him during grace so his food isn’t right in front of him.

Also struggling with my 3.5 yo just not listening. I’m to the point where I just want to send him to his room for the entire evening only letting him out to use the potty or eat and just blacking him out. I try to send him to the corner, but he always ends up in his room b/c he won’t stop asking to get out and it just agitates me and I need to put some space between him and me. He always seems to be fighting with the little one and not sharing.

Yeesh!!! Any helpful advice would be sincerely appreciated.


#2

I’d switch the routine up for a few days and see what happens…

First day - let EVERYONE sleep in. Get breakfast all prepared by yourself. Wake the kids (maybe the extra sleep will quell the whining?)… sit, eat…

Second day - just wake the oldest… spend special alone-time with him.

Third - just #2… again, maybe the alone-time will be special…???

Etc…
Just an idea… definitely switch things up and see how they react… if it doesn’t work, try something different the next day.


#3

With our 20 month old what I do is pull his high chair into the kitchen, he has his own little spoons and bowls that he "cooks" with. So he is right there with me, feels like he is helping, without really being in what I'm trying to do!

My kids are all morning people...I am not! I'm the one whining:o Perhaps your little ones just aren't ready to be helpful and up for a lot of talking first thing in the morning. I remember when I was a kid my mom trying to get me to have conversations with her right after I got up and I just didn't want to. I was only 8 or 9 asking her to please let me wake up a little first. She just didn't get it. It was a struggle with her until I moved out. Could be that they need a few mins. to wake up, have a little quiet time and then start into the morning stuff. I still don't like to be talked to when I first get up. It's something I work on as I'm the only non-morning person in the house....not sure how that happened.


#4

[quote="happymommy, post:3, topic:251486"]
With our 20 month old what I do is pull his high chair into the kitchen, he has his own little spoons and bowls that he "cooks" with. So he is right there with me, feels like he is helping, without really being in what I'm trying to do!

My kids are all morning people...I am not! I'm the one whining:o Perhaps your little ones just aren't ready to be helpful and up for a lot of talking first thing in the morning. I remember when I was a kid my mom trying to get me to have conversations with her right after I got up and I just didn't want to. I was only 8 or 9 asking her to please let me wake up a little first. She just didn't get it. It was a struggle with her until I moved out. Could be that they need a few mins. to wake up, have a little quiet time and then start into the morning stuff. I still don't like to be talked to when I first get up. It's something I work on as I'm the only non-morning person in the house....not sure how that happened.

[/quote]

^^ Good point... my oldest son is the same way - thank goodness he expressed this need very specifically when he was about 6 or 7... "Mommy, I love you - I'm just not awake enough to think in the mornings." Ever since I really LISTENED to that, things have been peaceful. I just smile at him, ask basic, simple questions ("Cheerios or mini-wheats?"), another smile... that's it. 30 minutes later he's a new person!


#5

[quote="Em_in_FL, post:4, topic:251486"]
^^ Good point... my oldest son is the same way - thank goodness he expressed this need very specifically when he was about 6 or 7... "Mommy, I love you - I'm just not awake enough to think in the mornings." Ever since I really LISTENED to that, things have been peaceful. I just smile at him, ask basic, simple questions ("Cheerios or mini-wheats?"), another smile... that's it. 30 minutes later he's a new person!

[/quote]

Oh, good mommy! I wish my mom would have listened! Would have made life a lot better!

I like to get up before the kids if I can so I can sit, have some tea and just be still. Then I can be a normal person, but if we all get up at the same time; I tend to get grumpy very easily!!


#6

First of all let me say that I'm under a lot of stress - please read my post about DH's kidney stones. What I forgot to mention there is that DH has been very beligerent to me in his suffering and has cussed me out on a daily basis up till the last few days after I really let him have it.

The children are noticing the stress. You have to make an effort to remain calm.

Em's advice about getting them up after you start breakfast, let them eat in their jammies. Then get them dressed.

3.5 year old children are technically still toddlers and have a short attention span regarding listening. Having him stay in his room all night isn't going to teach him anything, except maybe that you find him irritating.

I'm sorry if I'm blunt....that concerns me that you find him that exasperating you want to black him out. 3.5 year olds can be headstrong, but they can also be so charming and sweet. Give him the patience that you would want your DH to have.

Maybe brouse throught anything by Dr. Sears or Greg Popcak.


#7

[quote="happymommy, post:5, topic:251486"]
Oh, good mommy! I wish my mom would have listened! Would have made life a lot better!

I like to get up before the kids if I can so I can sit, have some tea and just be still. Then I can be a normal person, but if we all get up at the same time; I tend to get grumpy very easily!!

[/quote]

I am not a morning person either, and my husband STILL after 22 years of being married to me, will sometimes ask me complicated questions or ask me to make decisions at 6:30 a.m. after I've been up for 15 minutes or so!

:eek:

His brain wakes him up thinking - mine finally fully awakens about 2 hours after I get up!


#8

I never woke up my little kids in the summer unless we had plans to go somewhere. Let them sleep! I like to sleep, too! I am definitely not a morning person, so I can relate to liking sleep.


#9

[quote="Mary_Gail_36, post:6, topic:251486"]
3.5 year old children are technically still toddlers and have a short attention span regarding listening. Having him stay in his room all night isn't going to teach him anything, except maybe that you find him irritating.

[/quote]

I agree with you here and that's one area where I'm struggling is formation vs. discipline - that I'm not training them what TO DO, just what NOT to do. At times if 2 of my children are not getting along or giving what I call the 'right response' I will make them stand there and repeat the right response several times until they do it right or if they're speaking rudely to me or whining, I will make them ask again and again until they get it 'right' without whining. It just doesn't seem to stick quickly enough and I'm dealing with the same situation in only a matter of minutes and I give up and just make 'em 'sit down and shut up.'

I am an avid fan of Dr. Popcak, but I find it difficult going around 'putting out the fires' all the time and I just want to extinguish them by sitting them all down in separate spots from one another till I can deal with the situation, but it seems the time never comes. I know, I know, I have to MAKE that time.

It seems like it's never just one kid, it's all three at once and it feels as though my mission in life is just to make my kids cry. Them I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to have anything to do with any of them. Ugh!!!


#10

Oh heavens - see I'm the morning person and DH is NOT!!! I have one kid that's a deahead like his dad and it stinks b/c he's the most helpful and independent whereas the one morning kid is the one who doesn't listen so well. He seems to do well only when he's by himself and he'll get going well in the morning like me, but it's a struggle to get him out of bed.

Hopefully as soon as DH passes his kidney stone and recovers he can start keeping the boys again and our mornings will be peaceful again - it's just getting everyone up and off to the sitter on time so I can get to work that's icky.


#11

[quote="JLCecilia, post:10, topic:251486"]
Oh heavens - see I'm the morning person and DH is NOT!!! I have one kid that's a deahead like his dad and it stinks b/c he's the most helpful and independent whereas the one morning kid is the one who doesn't listen so well. He seems to do well only when he's by himself and he'll get going well in the morning like me, but it's a struggle to get him out of bed.

Hopefully as soon as DH passes his kidney stone and recovers he can start keeping the boys again and our mornings will be peaceful again - it's just getting everyone up and off to the sitter on time so I can get to work that's icky.

[/quote]

I sympathize with needing to get everyone off in the mornings (I work too)...
But definitely consider switching stuff up...

Recently I was having morning battles with my 3yo daughter... whining, etc...
I started giving her baths in the morning - as SOON as I woke her up - she sat in the tub for 5 minutes and it was just a more peaceful transition for her.

This would have NEVER worked on my boys... so really, they're just all unique and it sometimes requires switching things around (and being flexible depending on the child) to find the right "mix" for each personality...


#12

Funny thing I'd actually like to try so I can sleep in on Saturdays b/c my kids normally wake me up before 8. A gal I know (whose kids are grown now) was the kindest, gentlest, warmest SAHM, so it struck me as funny when I heard her strategy for getting some morning time to herself. She put a clock in her kids' room and told them that they were not aloud to come out until 8. That ensured that she could either sleep in our get up and have some quiet time to herself before the onslought began.

I'm always running frantic in the morning that the only 'sit-down' time I have is reading while I'm drying my hair!


#13

[quote="Em_in_FL, post:11, topic:251486"]

Recently I was having morning battles with my 3yo daughter... whining, etc...
I started giving her baths in the morning - as SOON as I woke her up - she sat in the tub for 5 minutes and it was just a more peaceful transition for her.

This would have NEVER worked on my boys... so really, they're just all unique and it sometimes requires switching things around (and being flexible depending on the child) to find the right "mix" for each personality...

[/quote]

Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. I may have to just start putting the 19 mo down an hour before the big kids so he can get more sleep. He def. does better if he can wake up on his own rather than me waking him up. He's a grumpy little bear, so he probably really just needs more sleep. That's never occurred to me till now.

I always just tend to lump my kids together when I'm trying to get tasks done with them. Although I've started staggering bathroom time - i.e. brushing teeth b/c getting 2 kids in there equals fighting over the stepstool or flooding the sink and playing in the water and just dawdling.


#14

I feel your pain!!

I have 3 boys also, ages 2,4&6. Mornings can be very difficult- I have recently read a book that might be helpful, it was reccomended by a dear friend I meet here on the forums! Its called.. " A Mother's Rule of Life- how to bring order to your home and peace to your soul." by Holly Pierlot. This was a great help to us we've been dealing with similar stuff, and I know how hard it is. The boys start that whining voice and I just want to scream!! The book doesn't address whining but it does address the issues we had that were making it hard for my boys to function in a way that didn't promote whining. With my oldest, I just have to say- listen to your tone nad he knows he's starting to whine and usually corrects it, unfortunately thats not quite as successfull with the others! Hang in there try to remember they are only in this stage for a little while and soon they will be able to help for real!!

Praying for you and your boys...
myboysmommy:signofcross:


#15

[quote="myboysmommy, post:14, topic:251486"]
I feel your pain!!

I have 3 boys also, ages 2,4&6. Mornings can be very difficult- I have recently read a book that might be helpful, it was reccomended by a dear friend I meet here on the forums! Its called.. " A Mother's Rule of Life- how to bring order to your home and peace to your soul." by Holly Pierlot. This was a great help to us we've been dealing with similar stuff, and I know how hard it is. The boys start that whining voice and I just want to scream!! The book doesn't address whining but it does address the issues we had that were making it hard for my boys to function in a way that didn't promote whining. With my oldest, I just have to say- listen to your tone nad he knows he's starting to whine and usually corrects it, unfortunately thats not quite as successfull with the others! Hang in there try to remember they are only in this stage for a little while and soon they will be able to help for real!!

Praying for you and your boys...
myboysmommy:signofcross:

[/quote]

Thank you for the kind words!!! Our boys are 5, 3.5 and 1.5. I've read the book, but obviously I didn't retain any of it. Will have to dig it back out and dust it off. Once I listened to a Kimberly Hahn speech and she said that there were 'those' days where she was having a difficult times with the little ones and so she would call her sister and every hour on the hour, she would stop and say a Hail Mary just to help her make it through the next 60 minutes. I need to carry an egg timer around with me to remind me!!!


#16

I just thought I would share my favorite prayer with you...

O Lord who thaught Monica to prservere for the good of her family, help me to be a better parent to my children. Help me to have patience with them when they misbehave, and give me strength to guide them gently to the right path. Permit me always to forgive their misdeeds, and to keep from speaking harshly, or punishing unwisely. Please help me to be a beacon of goodness for them as they grow to adulthood, and to be a good example to them in all I say and do. Amen

I have a copy in my car because that seems to be where they fight the most and it helps me to not yell so much!!

God bless you and your boys...
myboysmommy:wave:


#17

[quote="myboysmommy, post:16, topic:251486"]
I just thought I would share my favorite prayer with you...

O Lord who thaught Monica to prservere for the good of her family, help me to be a better parent to my children. Help me to have patience with them when they misbehave, and give me strength to guide them gently to the right path. Permit me always to forgive their misdeeds, and to keep from speaking harshly, or punishing unwisely. Please help me to be a beacon of goodness for them as they grow to adulthood, and to be a good example to them in all I say and do. Amen

I have a copy in my car because that seems to be where they fight the most and it helps me to not yell so much!!

God bless you and your boys...
myboysmommy:wave:

[/quote]

Beautiful words - could not think of a better way to pray it! Many thanks.


#18

Sometimes I need help through the next 60 seconds!! The Hail Mary trick works- my boys now know that if mommy starts praying out of the blue out loud that they better cool it!! Boys are just that though- BOYS! Tell you what- I'll pray for you and you pray for me- know that someone out there is in the same boat helps a lot!!

Blessings,
myboysmommy:hug1:


#19

[quote="myboysmommy, post:18, topic:251486"]
Sometimes I need help through the next 60 seconds!! The Hail Mary trick works- my boys now know that if mommy starts praying out of the blue out loud that they better cool it!! Boys are just that though- BOYS! Tell you what- I'll pray for you and you pray for me- know that someone out there is in the same boat helps a lot!!

Blessings,
myboysmommy:hug1:

[/quote]

That's a deal!


#20

I'm pretty sure you will have heard of this already, but Ray Guarendi's discipline books are very good for suggesting realistic consequences & keeping parents calm. Half the battle for us has been having some proportional consequences in mind. It works with our gang.

ETA: our gang is 7,6, 4, and 20 months, for reference. The Holly Pierlot book really made a difference too.


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