I feel like God is far away. I feel He is mad at me for not praying much. I know you are to pray a lot. I pray at mass on sunday. I pray at bedtime and meals. If I remember I say a short prayer for a person in need. I do this while I am doing the daily work. Or when I take a walk. Most days that is it. I watch tv or read the rest of the time. It helps to pass the long time my husband is at work. We do not have children. I know that is bad when you are catholic. Please do not get mad at me. We do want them but they have not come. Maybe I am barren. I feel God is mad at me for that too. I sinned in my past. Maybe that caused this. I do nothing right it feels. It makes me sad. I want to do better. I want to love God right. I want Him to be happy at me. Can you please pray for me?
From the diary of Saint Faustina:
- The Trial of Trials, Complete Abandonment - Despair
98 When the soul comes out victorious from the preceding trials, even though it may stumble here and there, it fights on valiantly, humbly calling upon God, “Save me, I am perishing!” And it is still able to fight on.
At this point, however, the soul is engulfed in a horrible night. It sees within itself only sin. It feels terrible. It sees itself completely abandoned by God. It feels itself to be the object of His hatred. It is but one step away from despair. The soul does its best to defend itself; it tries to stir up its confidence; but prayer is an even greater torment for it, as this prayer seems to arouse God to an even greater anger. The soul finds itself poised on the summit of a lofty mountain on the very brink of a precipice.
The soul is drawn to God, but feels repulsed. All other sufferings and tortures in the world are as nothing compared with this sensation into which it has been plunged; namely, that of being rejected by God. No one can bring it any relief; it finds itself completely alone; there is no one to defend it. It raises its eyes to heaven, but is convinced that this is not for her-for her all is lost. It falls deeper and deeper from darkness to darkness, and it seems to it that it has lost forever the God it used to love so dearly. This thought is torture beyond all description. But the soul does not agree to it and tries to lift its gaze toward heaven, but in vain! And this makes the torture even more intense.
If God wishes to keep the soul in such darkness, no one will be able to give it light. It experiences rejection by God in a vivid and terrifying manner. From its heart burst forth painful moans, so painful that no priest will comprehend it, unless he himself has been through these trials. In the midst of this, the evil spirit adds to the soul’s suffering, mocking it: “Will you persist in your faithfulness? This is your reward; you are in our power!” But Satan has only as much influence over the soul as God allows him, and God knows how much we can bear. “What have you gotten out of your mortifications,” says Satan, “and out of your fidelity to the rule? What use are all these efforts? You have been rejected by God!” This word, rejected, becomes a fire which penetrates every nerve to the marrow of the bone. It pierces right through her entire being. The ordeal reaches its climax. The soul no longer looks for help anywhere. It shrinks into itself and loses sight of everything; it is as though it has accepted the torture of being abandoned. This is a moment for which I have no words. This is the agony of the soul.
101 Jesus, You alone know how the soul, engulfed in darkness, moans in the midst of these torments and, despite all this, thirsts for God as burning lips thirst for water. It dies and withers; it dies a death without death; that is to say, it cannot die. All its efforts come to nothing; it is under a powerful hand. Now the soul comes under the power of the Just One. All exterior temptations cease; all that surrounds it becomes silent, like a dying person who loses contact with everything around it: the person’s entire soul is in the hand of the Just God, the Thrice-Holy God,-rejected for all eternity! This is the culminating moment, and God alone can test a soul in this way, because He alone knows what the soul can endure.
When the soul has been saturated through and through by this infernal fire, it is, as it were, cast headlong into great despair. My soul experienced this moment when I was all alone in my cell. When my soul began to sink into this despair, I felt that the end was near. But I seized my little crucifix and clutched it tightly in my hand. And now I felt my body separate itself from my soul; and though I wanted to go to my Superiors, I no longer had the physical strength. I uttered my last words: “I trust in Your Mercy!”-and it seemed to me that I provoked God to an even greater anger. And now I was drowned in despair, and all that was left me was a moan of unadulterated pain which, from time to time, tore itself from my soul. The soul is in agony-and it seemed to me that I would remain in this state, because by my own strength I could not emerge from it. Every recollection of God opened up an unspeakable ocean of suffering, and yet despite this there is something within the soul which is drawn to Him, though it seems to her for this only-that she suffer more. The memory of the love with which God formerly surrounded it is still another kind of suffering. His gaze pierces it, and everything within the soul is burned by this gaze.
102 After some time, one of the sisters came into the cell and found me almost dead. She was frightened and went to find the Directress of Novices who, in the name of holy obedience ordered me to get up from the ground. My strength returned immediately, and I got up, trembling. The Directress recognized immediately the state of my soul and spoke to me about the inscrutable mercy of God, saying, “Do not be distressed about anything, Sister. I command this of you in virtue of obedience.” Then she said to me, “I see now, Sister, that God is calling you to a high degree of holiness; the Lord wants to draw you very close to Himself since He has allowed these things to happen to you so soon. Be faithful to God, Sister, because this is a sign that He wants you to have a high place in heaven.” However, I did not understand anything of these words. When I went into the chapel, I felt as though my soul had been set free from everything, as though I had just come forth from the hand of God. I perceived the inviolability of my soul; I felt that I was a tiny child.
Sure I will pray for you, and thank you for your post because it reminds me to pray for those whose faith or prayer life is lacking, lukewarm or absent.
God is calling to you-try sitting down with your Bible, say a prayer for guidance from the Holy Spirit and then start reading the Word of God.
John’s Gospel is good to read very slow-
or you can begin with the Acts of the Apostles-
Psalms and Proverbs are always helpful.
If you can, attend daily Mass-at least once a week, as often as you can.
Say the Stations of the Cross-at Church or look in your Bible for the illustrated version.
Spend time with Mary and Jesus by reciting the Rosary and thinking about the mysteries of the life of Christ and His Holy Family.
May God Bless you and yours always.
(think of the joy of Elizabeth, St. John the Baptist’s Mom, and of Sarah, Abraham’s wife)
Our Heavenly Father is not mad at you.You are His child.In the Book of Ps,An Angel went to The Lord,and asked Him:What is man that you’re so mindfull of Him?The Angel is basically asking God,why do you love man?God does not reply because there is no reason.We can’t make God love us,earn His love etc.Our Heavenly Fathers love is unconditional.Trust Jesus.Peace.Rocky.
Praying for you, God loves and cares for you…will pray for your faith and love to grow…
Praying that God’s will be done in your lives. Open yourselves to him and him alone.
Praying for you…
From what you said, you pray well. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. There are physical reasons of some sort that you haven’t conceived. It isn’t that God is punishing you, Love! You have perhaps not found out whether there is some reason for the problem in either your husband or you, but is has to do with facts of physiology, not whether or not God loves you. He knows and loves who you actually are.
Appreciating others [and oneself!]
Jesus, I honour others for their goodness. Yet, help me to share Your compassion, respect and delight in those who seem to reflect Your face poorly. Grant me the gift of conveying to each person, the beautiful, glimpsed vision of self, as You love him/her, a fallible human with entwined faults and virtues.
One sometimes glimpses another’s discouraged self-judgement, for he/she fears that Your plan of salvation builds upon some unlikely ‘ideal self’. She perhaps hopes that to others, only the good is evident. **She fears that were others to sense the extent of her unworthiness, they may reject her—as indeed she fears You may. **
Jesus, please extend Your hand to her through those who see her efforts and who have faith in the secret, unique miracle of her. Let her know that You love her as she is, and that You plan her holiness around her actual self.
You fulfil Your dream of her and serve others through her flawed personality with its abilities, gifts and virtues, along with its faults and scars. Assure her that her efforts to live the Gospel are more precious because of her temptations and flaws, so that she is encouraged to faith and self-acceptance.
God let me see and share Your beautiful, unique, creative vision of each brother and sister, [and of myself] regardless of ‘apparent’ flaws. In my warm acceptance of her grant to each person that restoring, blossoming fruitfulness of love—which the image of her cherished and accepted as she really is—produces in the most barren and bleak heart. 1982 My sister, “Do not be afraid, you will not be put to shame.” [Isaiah 54:4]
I’ll pray for you that the problems to conception can be uncovered and if posible healed so that you and your husband can have the baby you so want.
God bless you, Love.
There are a lot of good things in all posts but I would also recommend daily Mass as often as possible. And talk to the other people there, especially the other ladies. While this forum is great, it is what we do when we have free time and are not at the real place of worship
My prayers are with you, I’ve never know God to abandon anyone, he is always there, we have trouble connecting from our side, myself included.
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou amongst women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death.
Of course I’ll pray for you! Try developing a ‘conversation’ with God during your days. When something happens that is good or bad, or just different enough to make you stop and notice, then tell God about it. Just say, “Wow, God…look at that.” Sounds simple maybe, but I talk to God. I sometimes don’t count that as prayer, but you know…it IS!