[quote=Cadence] He feels that there are some things about me that just wear him down and he does not think he has the patience to deal with it. He worries that this is causing him to take me for granted and not treat me as I deserve. He feels that this will make us both miserable and so we cannot eventually marry. He doesn’t want me to change for him- he says he wants to take me as I am or not at all.
There’s the red flag…
Marriage is all about change, trust me on that. Change in living habits, change in diets, change in routines, change in jobs/career paths, change in finances, change in spiritual levels, change in life - pre children, during children, post children.
Married couples help each other **grow **in life and in faith, and growth is change. The ideal situation is when a couple grows/changes at the same rate in the same areas but that is actually quite rare.
It doesn’t matter whether or not he wants you to change for him…what matters, and what you need to ask is whether or not he loves you enough to help you become the best person you could be, fully living God’s plan for you. You, then, would have to be able to trust that the advice he’s about to share with you is for your best interest. And this is what helps a young couple discern whether or not they are meant to spend the rest of their lives together.
It’s possible he’s right, you shouldn’t change the behaviors which bother him because they are part of who you are and they’re good…but then the fact that he’d rather walk away than work on changing himself so that he comes to appreciate those things which are good about you but wear him down shows he isn’t ready to commit to improving himself for someone else.
Keep in mind this is not a bad thing. It’s really not about you. It’s just an indication of the level of self-awareness he is at…he’s aware enough to recognize there are things about you which wear him down and that he’s not ready to commit to helping you change or changing himself. That will come in time, but he’s not there yet.
What to do in the meantime is resist the temptation to jump through hoops to change things just to hang on to him. If you want to change things about you for your own self-improvement, fine, but don’t do it to stay in a relationship. Pray for discernment during this time, God is speaking to you through your boyfriend’s journey. It’s pretty much how He works throughout marriages too…He really does work through each person in a marriage to help guide the other closer to Him but it’s up to each person to pray about learning to read the signs so they can follow and learning how to lead gently and lovingly. If you two are meant to be married this trial you are going through right now is important.