Need some advice about dates


#1

My fiancee and I have been together for 3 years now and we are getting married in August of this year. The thing is, we have recently been making huge efforts to oercome old habits, by that I mean thoughts, actions (alone and with eachother) that lead to sins of the sexual nature. We recognize the importance of being chaste and practicing purity, but we have found it very difficult. In the past we have gone farther than we should have and no it is so hard to stay pure! We miss eachother so much! It has even come to the point where he won’t come and see me because he is worried about what might happen. I really hate this. Do any of you have some advice on what we can do as a couple to keep ourselves on track? We go to confession and pray for strength, but what else can we do? Your adivce is much appreciated!


#2

I would suggest activities outside of one anothers homes–such as having a picnic–going for walks or bike rides–going shopping.


#3

Spend time outside or doing fun activities in public. Instead of cuddling on your couch, cuddle on a park bench :smiley:


#4

We both live at home with our families still, so being home doesn’t mean being alone. Usually our difficulties occur in the car believe it or not.


#5

[quote=migurl]We both live at home with our families still, so being home doesn’t mean being alone. Usually our difficulties occur in the car believe it or not.
[/quote]

Advice given to me in my younger days by a saintly woman - when you are in the car with your sweetheart, keep the Bible on the seat between you :slight_smile:


#6

I used to have that problem many years ago…

Just make sure not to ‘park’ at any of your old haunts…if will power alone isn’t enough to keep you from ‘parking’ keep in mind how silly it is for full grown adults to do so–especially ones that are about to get married! Keep in mind that in not so many months you can do all sorts of things together!

If you were my personal friend I would probably also tell you that sex is overrated and after a couple years while still exciting will be nothing like when you were new to it all (in other words no need to rush)


#7

Hello Migurl,
Bless you and your fiance for your efforts. Keep going. God will bless you for your work. God will not be outdone in generosity; the two of you are building an incredibly grace-filled marriage by making these sacrifices now. Just last night EWTN’s Life on the Rock had a couple (Chris and Linda Padgett) who described just the struggle you are dealing with. Go here: ewtn.com/audiovideo/index.asp

and look for the video feed of Life on the Rock. The Padgetts show up about 20 minutes into the program. I’ll pray for you.


#8

[quote=migurl]My fiancee and I have been together for 3 years now and we are getting married in August of this year. The thing is, we have recently been making huge efforts to oercome old habits, by that I mean thoughts, actions (alone and with eachother) that lead to sins of the sexual nature. We recognize the importance of being chaste and practicing purity, but we have found it very difficult. In the past we have gone farther than we should have and no it is so hard to stay pure! We miss eachother so much! It has even come to the point where he won’t come and see me because he is worried about what might happen. I really hate this. Do any of you have some advice on what we can do as a couple to keep ourselves on track? We go to confession and pray for strength, but what else can we do? Your adivce is much appreciated!
[/quote]

My precious Husband and I were in a VERY similar situation the year before we married. Compounded by the fact that we were living in school dorms not too far from each other. The best advice we got was from a GREAT Opus Dei priest:
Make a HUGE effort to NEVER be alone. And by that I mean, have someone there interacting with you as much as possible when you’re inside. Try to do things that do not involve the car… walks are good, b/c then you be busy while you’re talking, which is important. Or make it a rule to not touch one little pinky until you’re out of the car. Go to the mall, just to walk and talk and hold hands. Also, (and this one was very hard) at 8pm every night, say goodnight, part ways. DO NOT be with each other, even with other people in public, even on the weekends, after that time. He said, and I think he’s right, that the nighttime dates are hardest on purity. We went out to lunch instead of dinner, matinees instead of evening movies… etc. I know that sounds terribly strict, but for us, this kind of strictness saved our relationship. When we wanted to complain about it, we would just tell each other that we had brought it on ourselves, and that it was WORTH IT! Also, in addition to prayer and sacraments, fasting is also a good thing to help with purity.

I remember how very hard this was for us, but how wonderful it was, too, to finally have a pure relationship! We grew closer in 1 week than we had in the 2 years previous.

God be with you!


#9

Thank you for your wonderful suggestions. My fiance and I unfortunatly cannot go out on day-time dates due to the fact that I have school, he works and on saturday my parents need my help too much for me to be gone. The only time I allowed to go out is at night.


#10

Migurl,
Like consecrated, my husband and I had similar problems preceeding our marriage. Some things that help: invite friends (or a friend) over when you’re together, go on double dates with catholic/devote couples, sign up for an adoration hour together (not only will such thoughts flee when in the presence of Christ, but it will help strengthen your resolves for the next situation you face), pray together about this issue, possibly talk to a priest or spiritual advisor (it’s much easier if you have outside encouragement, etc), also, perhaps get involved in a group (or maybe initiate one with engaged/courting/married friends) an evening a week to work on spiritual growth as a couple.

Even if you don’t end up spending as much time together, from my experience it’s worth it. Even now more than a year after marriage (and confession) I have many regrets that the time we could have set asside in spiritual preparation was in many instances used for unchaste activities.

God bless and keep you both,
k


#11

You sound like a very sweet couple. I can only recommend that you keep doing what you are doing, take the advice of the other posters, and UP THE WEDDING DATE TO SOMETHING SOONER, IF POSSIBLE.


#12

Considered eloping?? In the Church, of course…


#13

I just wanted to say that if you mess up, don’t beat yourself up too bad. Get back up and start trying again.


#14

[quote=JeffAustralia]Considered eloping?? In the Church, of course…
[/quote]

Ohhhhh DH and I wanted to do this soooooo bad… :o It wasn’t in God’s plan for us, though. He wanted us to offer it up and wait the few more months, in chastity!

And I forgot Adoration! This is a GREAT idea!

Too bad you’re restricted to night-time dates. I’m sure, though, you will be able to make it work, with grace and lots of creativity! Is it possible to let a few really close friends in on your struggle (w/o being too detailed, of course), so they understand when you ask for company, etc? We had to do that with DH’s roommate and his gf. They thought we were nuts, b/c they certainly didn’t believe in no-sex-b/f-marriage, but they went with it, and ended up being a great help. I like to think we were a good example, and so made up for some of the times when we were a huge source of scandal. :frowning: And like someone else said, when you fall, get right back up again. Resist with all your might the temptation to get discouraged, b/c that will only make it easier to fall again, ya know?

You’re in my prayers… I remember vividly, four years later, how hard it was. I, too, have regrets about the time we wasted in sin. But God can make all things new again, and He will if only you ask!

My signature says what it says for a reason. We leaned heavily on the help of our Blessed Mother, and she did not let us down. :love:


#15

Dear migurl:

Have you looked online for information about natural family planning, and looked into a book by Nona Aguilar about natural family planning?

The two of you should read it together, and whether you find yourself sexually active either in marriage, or outside marriage at least the two of you will have done something with knowledge about each other’s bodies. Natural Family Planning strengthens relationships according to those cases cited in the book by Nona Aguilar. Dr. Hannah Klaus of the NFP center in WA, DC is someone to look-up online.

Basicly what NFP boils down to is taking your vaginal temp. every morning, charting it–letting the man chart it apparently is the best way, and checking the mucus secreted around the labia is a big help: when it is opaque and pasty it is a natural spermicide, and you will not get pregnant for anything, but when it is slimy and stretches between your fingers anywhere between two inches to five ft., you are fertile; additionally, your skin will be supple, and your body temp. will be high. The position of your uterus changes, and the cervix when you are fertile softens to the touch. When you are infertile–it is hard to the touch. Some women are fertile all the time, most can only conceive between some six days within their ovulation, menstruation cycle.

When a woman is fertile–a man does not even need to penetrate into the vagina: sperm on the pubic hairs can get you pregnant.

Hope the info. helps you play it safe should you happen to get to fooling around with your fiance, the two of you can always do a check on your body, and it must be your body, because a man is fertile just about all the time; though, after ejaculation it can take about a month before full potency returns.

If you haven’t read the book by Nona Aguilar, please read it. It really is fascinating. You shouldn’t let a man near your body unless he can figure out when he is most likely to get you pregnant anyway–it would be irresponsible of him, and of you not to talk about it, and to learn each other about it.

There is nothing overrated about sex in a marriage–it is the reason for marriage: if you’re not going to have sex in marriage, why marry. If the sex is bad and the two of you are unwilling to make it good, why marry? If people are telling you sex is overrated–don’t let it be underrated in your relationship–it should rate very high in a marriage, and outside a marriage: it is very powerful stuff; children are created from it. If however the two of you treat each other like you are nothing more than pleasure machines, then the two of you might as well just masturbate, because your’re just treating yourselves like toys, and you might end up playing with little kids sexually someday.

I don’t think that I need to say much more to the two of you: both of you sound more moral in practice than I was in anycase, most of the time–you have to get yourself worked up to have sex; so, don’t make it out like the two of you are so bloody eager to have children with each other, because you probably aren’t. In other words the two of you are probably already lying to yourselves, and why? Because of sex, and the talk everyone gives about it. So, chastity means: be honest. Good luck. Keep praying the Rosary.

Most sincerely,

Kristopher

Most sincerely,

Kristopher


#16

OK.

Visualize this:

The two of you are sitting on the sofa together…

… and facing you, sitting across the room from you on another sofa are Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Smiling and being amiable. Looking forward to your wedding. Enjoying being in the company of two lovely religious people.

Standing up next to the sofa… on one side is St. Paul and on the other side is St. Peter. And if the sight of Jesus, Mary and Joseph aren’t intimidating enough for you;

then consider that St. Paul will

kick

your

butt … if you get out of line.

Consider also, including going to Mass together as a date.

And include a visit to the Blessed Sacrament whenever you go out on a date. Just a brief, five-minute visit enroute to a restaurant or day trip.


#17

ok, here is some new stuff. I really need some help. I am having serious trouble resisting temptation. My fiance is, in a word, gorgeous! and he has an amazing personality. I am obviously attracted to him, but we have tried prayer, (he goes to daily mass and bi-weekly confession) I go to confession as well and daily prayer and I want things to go well, but I am so tired! It takes so much work to keep myself from thinking or doing things that I know I shouldn’t! I need help and prayers!


#18

Have you read The Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West? Maybe the two of you could read it together on your dates.


#19

I’ve found memorizing and meditating on Scripture to be of great assistance. The words of Scripture are a concrete thing I can run through my mind at any time and in any situation and they have really helped me keep my thoughts on the right track – when I actually take the time to actually do that!

Also, just pray for more of the power of the Holy Spirit to be in your life. It is by walking in the Spirit that we can resist the desires of the flesh. It is he who makes us holy, so we should invite him to do so frequently.


#20

I am going to say something that sounds a bit weird… but I actually envy your “problem.” :o I have been married for 8 years now and I remember many times during the two year relationship/courtship before our marriage that I wished we would have waited it out. Even when we got engaged, I remember so vividly wanting/desiring to tell him “We should really wait”. Because we didn’t (on many occassions… I wasn’t a practicing Catholic then), I can’t tell you how wonderful sexual relations are after you’re married had you waited. I can only speak from someone that has twinges of regret for not waiting. Yes, sex does become a bit “overrated” after marriage as you naturally start to feel just very comfortable. It’s not degraded or something like that… just it does lose it’s newness. (Does that make sense?)

So, please… it may be hard, but offer that up to the Lord. Let that sexual tension build because on your wedding night… that will make it all worth it. Continue to wait and if it really does become so hard, abstain from dates for awhile. Communicate over the phone or through email.

And yes, if you do learn about NFP, you will learn your body signs… and pretty much any woman on this board can tell you that you are at the most ahem amorous when your are ovulating. So keep that in mind.

Good luck, God bless, and keep on trucking! You are almost there! :smiley:


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