Need some advice


#1

hello, my names beth and i’m new to this forum, i’ve been here once before a while ago but i don’t remember my username so here we go again …

i have a bit of a problem and i don’t know where to turn to, this is largely a problem based around religion so i figured this was the best place. i’m a little, uneducated, about the bible and such though, so please forgive me.

when i was thirteen i was largely influenced by celebrities such as guy sebastian, who went public saying he’d made a decision to wait for sex until marriage. until then i’d never heard of such a decision, i kind of just assumed people did wait i guess. my parents brought it up and i was told my mother didn’t wait but my father did, and when i was sixteen, based on the influence of my parents and of like minded celebrities, i prayed to God making a promise that i too would wait. my family isn’t largely religious, i think my parents were being more so over protective over there little girl more than anything.

this hasn’t really been a problem until a year and a half ago, when i met my boyfriend. he was raised catholic, went to a catholic school and all, but has sort of fallen away from religion in recent years. he was absolutely fine with my decision, but as expected, it caused a bit of tension.

within recent weeks it’s become an issue, especially the past few days. also, about two weeks ago i found out my parents did not wait, i was under the impression from my dad that they both waited until marriage (with each other, regardless of my mum’s past) but she let it slip that this was not the case at all. i feel a bit cheated on, because i based such a huge decision largely on that. anyway, it’s become an issue. i don’t talk to my parents about it because it’s an awkward topic, i actually see a psychiatrist but again, i felt awkward speaking about such things and the last time i saw him i didn’t know how serious this was. and i don’t go to church, because my family aren’t overly religious, in fact i’m probably the one who looks up most to God in my family.

i’m scared that this is going to pull me and my boyfriend apart and i’m petrified of that happening. i know some of you may think because he has different beliefs to me maybe he’s not the right person for me, but i don’t believe that. he is a very good person, i know that other boys would have had a problem from the beginning and would pressure or force me into such things, and i know that God sees the goodness in him and doesn’t judge him for normal boyish feelings. honestly i believe he is the one for me, regardless of what anyone else might say, i know i sound like every other teenager out there but i do know that he makes me happy and is very good to me, and is everything i want in the person i want to spend my life with. perhaps i should mention that he hasn’t exactly waited, his ex pressured him into it earlier on and being young and perhaps not having the right kind of support he gave in. i don’t want that to tarnish anyone’s opinion of him but perhaps thats important to the story.

as mentioned before i see a therapist, within the past year i’ve suffered depression and anxiety and am finally managing to take control again, and this is largely due to the support and help of my boyfriend. although i know if something were to happen between us i would probably sink back down again and without him it would be near impossible to break free once more. i don’t really have many other friends, they all left when i became ‘unwell’, he is the only one who stuck beside me outside my family, so i’m pretty screwed if we break up, haha

so there are all the problems. while i’m glad i made a decision to wait i feel as if it was very wrongly influenced, i feel that my parents were acting out on their anxieties about me growing up as opposed to giving me advice and letting me choose my own way. obviously i don’t want to give up my promise, as much as i know that he’s the one for me i also know that God’s love is much stronger and He will be there always. also i don’t think i could live with the guilt for the rest of my life, so basically, i’m not about to give it up. however as mentioned about the depression before, i’d much rather feel guilt about wanting to give up than feel severe depression and suicidal feelings. i don’t know how to make things easier for my boyfriend, or what to say to him, he doesn’t want a religious opinion on this which is understandable because he’s not a religious person.

i guess no one can really give me much advice, because i already know i can’t break my promise, i guess i’m more so looking for some support which i don’t know where else to turn to. i hope you guys can help. i’m sorry if i don’t seem like a good enough catholic or if i’ve said something wrong here or something that’s offended anyone. i just need someone to help and say that i’m doing the right thing, because it’s very hard to believe only myself when all my peers tell me to cave in. everyone else i’ve known that has planned to wait for marriage gave in as soon as they came under any pressure like this, a part of me wants to because thats all i’ve been taught and it’s a lot harder because of that, but i know it’s not right.

all in all i believe in the power of love and i know that if we get over this rough patch we would have the most wonderful life together, i just hope that somehow we can get through this time. any suggestions?

thank you so much for your time, i know that was a lot to read and i’m very very greatful!


#2

Hi Beth and welcome back!

I am here to encourage you to keep your promise and WAIT.

I'm waiting with you as are many others of us. Only at one time have I considered breaking that promise, but as things did not work out in that relationship, I am SO GLAD it never came to having to make that decision. I know I would have regretted it. And being someone who has to cope with (sometimes) severe clinical depression, breaking that promise would have sent me into a downward spiral because I know I would have felt disgusted with my deplorable and unloveable self.

Beth, chastity is more than keeping a promise to God. It's keeping a promise to yourself. You deserve to be treated well by others - and also by yourself.

Yes Beth, I understand the depression is helped by having someone close to you who helps you to feel more loved. But the love of your boyfriend isn't nearly as fulfilling as the love of the Lord who created you and asks you to wait until the right time. In the right circumstance. If this man really loves you, he will wait for you.

I too learned of my parents involvement prior to their marriage when my mother, who felt desperate for a grandchild, was trying to convince me to not be a prude ... that was long before I found Catholicism, btw ... it was shocking and disappointing. I had been lied to all my life. I know how hard that is to accept.

And if down the road things don't work out with your boyfriend, you'll still have your chastity, and you and the Lord will know you are willing to sacrifice and wait. How wonderful to think the Lord can trust you! We can trust Him. He's the only one we can truly trust in all things. Everyone else will let us down at some point. And we will let others down. That's the nature of our being. We are imperfect. But God is perfect. And we can be perfect like Him in keeping this one commandment. How wonderful to build His trust of us by keeping one of His commandments no matter what!!

One last thought. Lots of things can bring on a depressive episode for those of us who suffer and struggle with depression. I'm going through one right now. And I can tell you that God is the source of my strength and my courage. I can trust Him. And I will not give up. I may give in from time to time to the feelings of uselessness because I just have to let out the built up emotion, but I cannot give up. There is too much to keep working towards in this life as we journey toward the next.

God loves you, Beth. Hold fast to your promise. It will be worth it. Do not be afraid of losing your boyfriend. Rather, accept one of the special gifts of the Holy Spirit which is fear of the Lord, which helps us want to do what is right so that we don't disappoint Him! Fear of the Lord isn't fear, like being afraid. It is respect. And that's what chastity offers you and your boyfriend. Respect for one another. No matter what. Don't ever be afraid of doing the right thing.

May God bless you and your boyfriend,
Hope


#3

Beth,

I'm sorry you are going thru this. It always disappointing to here that someone you looked up to led you to believe something that was not true or that they did not stick to their values.

As a married guy that did wait until marriage, I can assure you that waiting is the right decision. Not only morally, but it is best for the relationship, especially for teens. You deserve to be with someone who truly loves you for you. I know you believe that he loves you for who you truly are and I have no reason to believe otherwise. But as you know, relationship are hard. Marriages are hard. Adding something like a sexual relationship to add to the confusion is asking to make things more difficult. I know you can wait and you will be glad you did. Be strong, pray, pray pray. Even if you family does not go to church, you can. You need to surround yourself with people who have the same values.

Now with that last comment... There will always be people in you life that will not hold to values. There will be people that you think will never give in, and they will. You have to remember that waiting is hard and sometimes people are under a lot of pressure to give in. Just because they give in does not mean that you have to give in. Remember that you are worth the wait. Ask God to give you strength.

I will pray for you and your boyfriend.


#4

Welcome (back) to CAF, Beth! :wave:

I also would encoruage you to remain steadfast in your promise (as you seem to have resolved to do already).

It is always difficult to learn such things about our parents. However, I encourage you to view it as an opportunity. In choosing to wait until marriage, you have made the right decision. Now you have the chance to really make this right decision for the right reason. It's not about doing what your parents did, it's about doing what God has planned for you and what is best for your spiritual, emotional, and physical health.

As a young person, these issues can be very difficult to work with. If this boyfriend of yours truly loves and respects you, he will wait for years until you are married and will never pressure you. If a guy is pressuring you at all in this regard, it is not out of love and concern for your well being (trust me, I'm a guy!).

I cannot speak to your situation, but speaking from my own experience, I dated a few girls in college and each time I started out being sure that this was the woman I would marry. However, in each instance, it didn't work out in the end. I am so thankful that I waited as the break-ups would have been 1000 times more painful if sex had been part of the equation. Now, I am happily married. :)

If you wait until marriage, you can hold your head up high when the issue arises with your children. They will never have to experience the feelings you have felt discovering what happened between your parents.

Incidentally, you might be interested in this wonderful website for Catholic girls and young women:

http://www.saintmariasmessenger.com/

They have a forum and other great resources that might be of help to you.

God bless! I will pray for you!


#5

thank you so much, it's so wonderful to hear some support!
i feel much better today, both in reading that and in feeling a lot more settled in my self, i've been very stressed lately so to add stress like that too makes things seem so much worse.
i'll keep coming back to this page to read your responses everytime i need to be reminded i'm doing the right thing, they've helped so much, thank you all again :D
i guess i just have to wait things out and see what happens, and remember that everything (bad or good) is part of God's plan!


#6

I want to foucus on a small part of your message, or else it wont let me post my response.

[quote="mollywobbles, post:1, topic:203926"]
hello, my names beth and i'm new to this forum, i've been here once before a while ago but i don't remember my username so here we go again ..

i have a bit of a problem and i don't know where to turn to, this is largely a problem based around religion so i figured this was the best place. i'm a little, uneducated, about the bible and such though, so please forgive me.

when i was thirteen i was largely influenced by celebrities such as guy sebastian, who went public saying he'd made a decision to wait for sex until marriage. until then i'd never heard of such a decision, i kind of just assumed people did wait i guess. my parents brought it up and i was told my mother didn't wait but my father did, and when i was sixteen, based on the influence of my parents and of like minded celebrities, i prayed to God making a promise that i too would wait. my family isn't largely religious, i think my parents were being more so over protective over there little girl more than anything.

this hasn't really been a problem until a year and a half ago, when i met my boyfriend. he was raised catholic, went to a catholic school and all, but has sort of fallen away from religion in recent years. he was absolutely fine with my decision, but as expected, it caused a bit of tension.
I am sad to hear it.

within recent weeks it's become an issue, especially the past few days. also, about two weeks ago i found out my parents did not wait, i was under the impression from my dad that they both waited until marriage (with each other, regardless of my mum's past) but she let it slip that this was not the case at all. i feel a bit cheated on, because i based such a huge decision largely on that. anyway, it's become an issue. i don't talk to my parents about it because it's an awkward topic, i actually see a psychiatrist but again, i felt awkward speaking about such things and the last time i saw him i didn't know how serious this was. and i don't go to church, because my family aren't overly religious, in fact i'm probably the one who looks up most to God in my family.

i'm scared that this is going to pull me and my boyfriend apart and i'm petrified of that happening.
If this supposedly Catholic boy would end a relationship because you refuse sex before marriage, then I don't think he's right for you. It shows that he sees you as an object to be desired, not a girl he loves, but one he wants.

i know some of you may think because he has different beliefs to me maybe he's not the right person for me, but i don't believe that. he is a very good person, i know that other boys would have had a problem from the beginning and would pressure or force me into such things, and i know that God sees the goodness in him and doesn't judge him for normal boyish feelings.
My previous statement did not mean to break up, just to be careful. If he is fine with waiting, then wait. It SHOULD NOT come to the point where you must have sex to keep the relationship.

honestly i believe he is the one for me, regardless of what anyone else might say, i know i sound like every other teenager out there but i do know that he makes me happy and is very good to me, and is everything i want in the person i want to spend my life with. perhaps i should mention that he hasn't exactly waited, his ex pressured him into it earlier on and being young and perhaps not having the right kind of support he gave in. i don't want that to tarnish anyone's opinion of him but perhaps thats important to the story.
Sadly, this does not surprise me. Guys are much easier to pressure into this kind of thing. I hope he learned fro his experience, and doesn't pressure you the same way he was pressured.

thank you so much for your time, i know that was a lot to read and i'm very very greatful!

[/quote]

Don't try to make it confrontational though. It sounds like you like this guy a lot, don't lose him over something that might of might not happen. :thumbsup:However, don't be afraid to stand up for what you believe. You'll be in my prayers.


#7

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