Need some advice


#1

My husband and I have been seperated for two months now. Yesterday we discussed at length about reconicilating after a long seperation. (6 months or more.) My husband hates my family and wants nothing to do with them. This has been the crux of the problems in our marriage. However my husbands response to my wanting him in my family’s life has been to get physically violent at times.

My family wants me to stay as far away from him as possible. They doubt his love for me and feel he was trying to get an easy seperation out of me. (I have a good claim for alimony). My husband has done almost everything I have asked him to do. He has gone to counselling, gotten on stronger pain and anti depressent medication. (He is in constant chronic pain.) as well as a mood stabilizer.

I love him and want to give this another go, but I am afraid of what might happen. Besides the physical abuse my husband makes me feel like my family are bad people and I always end up resenting them, until I’m away from him long enough to really see that they are genuinally good people who truly try to make their inlaws feel like family. I become a very resentful cold and angry person and I don’t want to become that again.

At the same time I do remember the man I married. He was a very loving gentle kind person And I also remember the vow I took to love him for better or for for worse. I take my vows seriously. I don’t know what to do. Help!!


#2

Distancing yourself from him physically, at least for the time being, may enable you to think more clearly. No one ever “deserves” to be abused.
Kathy


#3

Have you gone to counseling together yet?


#4

We are going on the 3th of January


#5

Sweetie, I could have written your letter 13 years ago. I took mine back after a year separation. He refused to go to any family functions, weddings, funerals. He wouldn’t let my family come to my youngest child’s baptism. Eventually he moved me 1700 miles from my family and divorced me with a restraining order. Now I can’t take my kids back home to live until the youngest is 18 years of age.

I wanted to help him save his soul. The meds… the violence… my memories of the man I thought I loved… all my hopes were false hopes. It was the same as you say.

I have been hit just because he did not want me to talk to them on the phone. He began saying horrible things about them to our children. The children knew they could not mention them to him.

He did the same things to me… taking quotes out of context and almost convincing me my own family didn’t like me. By saying them over and over and over.

Your family isn’t the problem. His own insecurity is. My family couldn’t have been more welcoming and trying to make him feel like a member. He was the one who decided they weren’t good enough for him. He projected his own motives toward them and attributed those motives to them.

And they didn’t see him through any misty filter of love or happy memories. They saw a hostile man who would sit and not say a word to them for four hours. They saw a man who talked to me in a tone in front of everyone that made them wonder how he talked to me when we were alone. They saw small children who seemed afraid of him. They saw me becoming more withdrawn, more depressed, less humorous. They were petrified of what was really going on. Of course I tried to protect him by not telling the world what was going on.

Listen to your family. Marriage is a sacrament that brings you closer to God and each other. What you are living through will end up making you doubt the very love of God and your own parents if you wait long enough.

You have already said that when you are around him you turn into someone you don’t want to be. Eventually, he will convince you that YOU are a crummy person who doesn’t deserve love and it’s all your fault he’s angry at you all the time. You will end up tiptoeing around in your own soul. Afraid to tell him any of your thoughts or emotions because he will spit them back at you in a moment of rage or a lecture and twist it to make you sound horrible and crazy.

I’m sure he’s ranted that you need to be on medication, right? If not, it’s coming.

Just. say. no.

For this reason: He is probably twisting the Bible at you and making you feel you should give up your family and cleave unto your husband. He is twisting the word of God to alienate you from the people who can help you. He is brainwashing you against your own family. It is a VERY common abuser’s tactic. Diabolically clever one. Who can argue with God about a couple clinging to each other. But that kind of man never listens to the Bible verse about the man who loves his wife like his own body, or like Christ loved the Church, i.e., lay down his life for her.

He is pulling you in half. Love doesn’t make it an “us or them” view, where you have two worlds you live in, his and your family’s. It’s a schizophrenic existence. You emotionally commute between his universe and the whole universe you want to live in. It’s not about your happiness at all. Mine ranted that I made it a prerequisite that he attend family functions for me to allow him to come back. He refused to comply. And I went to family functions for years alone. As if I was single. It had nothing to do with my choice about things. That is the root problem. It’s about control, not about your family. It’s about him refusing to give you something you want or need that is important to you. And there will be many other things he refuses to do.

And you shouldn’t have to live in fear of what he is going to do next. That wasn’t in the Till Death Do you Part contract. “Thou shalt put up with Arbitrary Beatings for things you don’t know you did wrong until death.” Wasn’t in my vows.

God and the Church do not require you to threaten your health, your safety or your sanity to stay in a marriage with someone who cares about none of that where you are concerned.

Your family is scared for you. Listen to them. Good luck!


#6

Careful with counselling. I was afraid to say the truth in front of the counselor, for fear of what he would do to me for “making him look bad” when we got home. He spent all the time ranting about my horrible family and my dependence on them. When I tried to talk, he interrupted me and told the counselor what I was really thinking.

A wise counselor will talk to each of you separately. Mine went to lots of counselors to find one that would agree with him. Whenever one said I had a valid point and wasn’t insane, he stopped going to that one.

I hope your counselling session makes your husband understand you are not property and that his way of treating you is alienating. But somehow I doubt it.

BE HONEST ABOUT ALL THE ABUSE!! Mine never admitted to the abuse. He told me I made that up and he never hit me. He told the kids who witnessed it that mommy coached them to say it and they didn’t see what they said they saw.


#7

Thank you Liberanosamalo for your advice. My husband doesn’t quote scripture against me but then again he isn’t religious that way.

He gets angry that I expect him to “Honor” my parents. I don’t think I used that particular word although he says I used it all the time. What I tried to convey to him was I expect him to “respect” them the way I respect his children. (My stepkids). I believe there are some people deserving of respect just for they are, and that a spouses deserve respect just because they are your spouses family. His opinion is “respect is earned.”

Your story sounds frightenely similar. However could it be possible that my husband and my family just got off on the wrong foot. I will admit they did make some mistakes. My husband is 23 years my senior and due to that fact and the fact that my grandfather was 11 years older then my grandmother and she ended up looking after him through most of my dad’s childhood my father refused to even meet him when we were dating. It was months before he agreed to meet with the man. My mother is one of those mothers who love to have her children around. When I didn’t show up for a family meal (which occured at least once a week) I got lectured on why I wasn’t there. Both of my parents have changed their ways. But I do know that although they have tried to make him feel welcome, they did initially cause problems in our relationship and perhaps my husband can’t get over this.

I guess what I’m asking is am I dealing with a truly abusive man who only wants control, or a man who genuinely loves me, regrets the abuse, but doesn’t love my parents?


#8

It should also be noted that he is making it clear what he can not give me, and giving ME the opportunity to walk away. He has asked me over and over “why do you want a man who won’t go to family events or give you a child?” "Another man can give you everything you want. " My response has always been “I didn’t fall in love with another man, I fell in love with you.”


#9

Kelly, did you fall in love with him, or with who you hoped he would be?

The big disparity in age tells me a lot!! A man who looks for a woman so much younger can sometimes indicate someone who is looking for an easily malleable young woman. The problem is, you grow up and grow different and then they become infuriated as you stand up for yourself and your rights and needs.

Let me get this straight: He expects you to help him to treat his kids with respect, but he won’t let you give your parents the respect they are owed?

The fact is, he is demanding you violate your conscience and treat your parents in a way you were not raised to treat them.

Don’t make excuses for bad behavior. However your family initially encountered him, HE is the one holding the grudge and throwing it in your face as if it is your fault. That kind of personality will also throw in your face everything YOU did 12 years ago or 15 years ago as if it was yesterday. A few months ago I had my xh ranting to my daughter that I called my mother on my honeymoon to tell here where we were staying. That was 18 years ago and he is still angry about it.

If he is opening the door to let you walk, you might want to consider it. And that little thing you threw in there… he won’t give you a child?

Why indeed do you want him? Do you want HIM or the IDEA of him (as you imagine him in your wildest dreams?) Sweetie, you are not in a valid marriage. If he won’t have children, that is not a valid marriage. Even if you got married in a Catholic Church building, he is defying one of the vows on the altar of God to accept and raise children that God sends.

Yes, he is abusive. He won’t give you children. You are expected to have your needs filled through his. He is trying to cut you off from your family. Everything seems to be on his terms. Even the continuation of your marriage is based on him telling you to take it or leave it, this is the best you’re getting.

Me? I’d take the open door and run and never look back. What I know now, the first time I was hit, I should have picked up the babies and walked out and never looked back. Yes, he is controlling and abusive. He’s even controlling your fertility.

He doesn’t respect people because of who they are. Respect must be “earned?” Well, sweetheart, eventually YOU will be the one who hasn’t “earned” his respect either.

Why didn’t his first marriage work? Did he beat that wife too? If he was such a prize, she would have kept him. Wait… she was a crazy witch? She had mental problems? She didn’t put the marriage first?

He seems to be a little too willing to let you free. Maybe six months of living as a bachelor made him change his own mind about marriage.

Please listen to your family. There are red lights flashing all over here. A good person forgives people’s initial mistakes and doesn’t use them as an excuse to make his wife miserable.


#10

3 reasons for divorce

Adultery
Addiction
Abuse

You have #3, cut your losses. Stop thinking “if only I” he would be better, he won’t. He is an abuser.


#11

Kelly… Listen to Liberanosamalo… I could tell you the same story sans the physical abuse… mine was a psychiatric nurse and let me tell you how cruel emotional abuse can be… mine even withheld sex to punish me and make me feel unlovable… I swear, Liberanosamalo hit the nail on the head… what happens if you do get pregnant? What will you do when he hits the kids? Will you still go back to him? Do you want your kid(s) to learn how marriages are supposed to be from this example? I never advocate divorce, but hon… take it from a few of us that have been there done that… either he treats you and your family with respect or you will end up resenting him for the rest of your life. At some point you will regret and resent him robbing you of motherhood too.

Liberanosamalo said your family fears for you… they do! They are scared he is going to hurt you or your kid(s). He is also acting out to make you choose him and to separate you from your support system… don’t let that happen! When my ex walked out the door I was finally convinced that my family hated me, I had no friends and I was the worst mom in the world… but then this funny thing happened… friends started reappearing, family was happy he was gone, and after 6 months my kids told me that daddy was beating them when I wasn’t around… Once they were sure he wasn’t coming back, they opened up about it. Trust me… this isn’t the way to go… don’t wait until he convinces you that everything is all your fault and you lose everyone you love.

Oh… the separating from the family thing… mine got me to move half way across the country to get me away from my family… I was so alone! Thats they way it works… divide and conquer. When they convince you that it is all your fault they have all the power…to control you, to manipulate you, to blame you…etc…

Think about it… if he loved you wouldn’t he show some respect for your feelings and show your family some respect?


#12

I dont want to sound cold hearted but are you willing to go on without your family. And do you want to be told what to do the rest of your life. If the answer is yes go back to him. I am sorry but he has abused you and taken everything away from you. Now the choice is yours to let him do it again or get away. Please seek help for yourself. You deserve so much better. You have a family that loves you please let them help you. Dont let him take everything away from you again. He has taken enough.


#13

Kelly you can get advice from so many people but at the end of the day you are living this situation and not us. At the end of the day you have to decide what you are going to do.

You have a choice you can either leave him or stick it out. Abuse is abuse no matter how you look at it. Be it physical or emotional abuse at the end of the day it is abuse. My ex was abusive physically and emotionally and I stuck it out becoz I believed that I loved this man and that I had to obey the marriage vows that I took. But as time went by he wanted to control me 101% where I go, who I see, and what I can and cannot do and he was 1 year older than me. He even caused a rift between me and my family we were not on speaking terms for over a year. But anyway two years ago after 12 years of marriage he got involved with a 19 year old girl then he was 33 years old. And this girl he can control and her family does not know his history of abuse.

But now that I look back I am so much happier without him. It hurt like hell in the beginning and I tried the whole suicide thing and cried myself to sleep etc, etc. But now that I look back I am happy on my own with my kids.

You need to decide that first of all this man is abusive, secondly you family is your family you cannot throw them away or push them aside becoz you husband has issues with them. I am sure that you do want kids and what if you by accident do fall pregnant one day (these things do happen) is he going to tell you to terminate it. This is not a easy decision to make but sometimes the best thing to do is let go.

Have you thought of going to Retrovaille it does work for some people maybe if you really feel that you want to give this marriage a chance then attend Retrovaille. You have a big decision to make and ask God to guide you in the right direction. You will get the answers you need sometimes the answers we get is not what we want to hear and as time goes by you come to realise that you made the right decision.

My ex and I were just not meant to be. Now that I think about it this loved his kids so much and when this teenager came into his life he forgot all about his kids.

Hang in there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will keep you in my prayers.


#14
  • Remember God is with you.
  • No matter where you go - God is with you.
  • No matter what happens - God is with you.
  • Not only is God with you, but He is also for you.
  • In addition God wants to live in you.

Clear Out the Debris…And Let the River Flow

Deep inside each of us, there is a river—a river of life. This river is a wonderful gift given to each of us by God. It refreshes, renews and revitalizes our lives. I’m sure all of us have known people from time to time who defied all logic and stayed alive years longer than they should have. Or you may have known people who’ve been able to keep a positive outlook on life even though terrible things happened to them. Their river ran strong and didn’t stop flowing.

On the other hand, there are those who always seem to be down, whether physically or emotionally. No matter what they do, they can’t seem to “snap out of it.” Their river has been stopped-up, and only a little trickle seems to pass through.

God places this river in every one of us. It flows with good health, a positive outlook on life, and a generous and forgiving attitude. Ideally, this river flows freely through us. When we allow this flow and keep our well from getting plugged-up, there’s a peace or an ease—a current that takes us along—and everything seems easier. Good things come our way. When wonderful opportunities are presented to us, we’re ready for them.

Many people, however, have allowed their well to become stopped-up. Years of neglect have caused the river, which used to flow powerfully, to become choked down to just a small stream. Everything’s hard—nothing comes easy. People with a stopped-up well have to strive for things that come easily to others. It’s as if they’ve become mired in a mud hole and every step is a struggle. Do you know people like this? Does this sound like your life?

I once had a stopped-up well in my life. I struggled to tap into the river that I knew was in me. I was constantly digging dry wells—working on projects and chasing ideas that were disappointing and unfulfilling. I believed that if I could just make something work, I would be happy; I would find peace and fulfillment. I would strive after these things every day, but never found the peace I was looking for. I found that over the years I had allowed my well to become stopped-up with “stones” and “debris.” The river no longer flowed freely, and I was miserable.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I really struggled with issues like unforgiveness, anger, selfishness, offense and disobedience. These issues became like stones, dirt and debris that had caused my well to become stopped-up. With God’s help, these issues are being dealt with one by one in my life. It’s been a long process, but the stones are much smaller today than they used to be. The river in me flows much stronger now.

Are you tired of your life being dry, confused and without direction? Are you weary of having to strive for everything in life? Just remember, until you’re able to get your well cleared out and unplugged, everything will be difficult, disappointing and unfulfilling. No matter what you try, you’ll be unable to taste the water from that river. And that water satisfies like nothing else.

Remember, God put a river of life inside each of us. We just need to tap into that stream by clearing up what blocks its flow. God can help you forgive, see the needs of those around you, and let go of past hurts or wrongs. He wants to help you deal with the “stones” and “debris” that are stopping up your well.

Make a choice today to stop spending your life fighting, struggling and trudging through the mud with every step. Stop taking inventory of what you’ve lost, and take a good look at what you’ve got left. Ask God to help you clear out the debris. Then enjoy the satisfying flow of the river of life!


#15

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